Friend's husband asks me to lunch

[savignon]

I am recently engaged and have been friends with my girlfriend for years (and by extension, with her husband/family/children). At a holiday celebration last month, her husband congratulated me on my enagement and asked me if I was happy which I thought a bit strange. Then he told me as I was leaving that he'd take me to lunch one day if I was up for it. I didn't even think a thing of it and then he emailed me to offer again. I've never received an email from him nor spoken to him outside of my friendship with my girlfriend. That was a few weeks ago and I ignored it. My fiancee and I are going to their house for a New Year's Eve party next week. So, today I got an email saying, "Hey, just letting you know the lunch offer is still on the table when you're ready. Call me at work this week" and gave me his work #. I think it is so bizarre. I haven't told my fiancee about it b/c he would jump straight to the conclusion that this guy is interested and would not want to hang out with them anymore (me=lose my friend). I'm not all the way at the conclusion...my friend's husband is a great guy...it's just not sitting well with me.

Interested in your thoughts....

[redhearts]

You should talk to your fiance regardless before this guy says oh how come ya keep passing my invitation? I think its a little strange, especially the asking if your happy part, is he not happy? Trying to warn ya or something? lol

[rose2summer]

I would write him back saying,

 

"Thanks for the lunch offer, that's very sweet of you, however, I don't think it would sit well with my husband and for that reason I need to turn down the offer.

 

I thank you in advance for being understanding.

 

I hope you and "insert his wife's name" have happy holidays and I will see you both at New Year's eve.

[Hope75]

How about,

 

"I'd love to have lunch with you and (his wife) and my fiance when you both can come to celebrate our engagement. Let's try and work out a time at New Years when we see each other."

 

If he presses the 'just the two of us' issue I'd be frank and tell him that makes you uncomfortable and you'd prefer it be a group event.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Two ways to deal with this.

 

Either a polite refusal in an email as in, 'thanks, i appreciate the offer but am maxed out with holiday and wedding plans. looking forward to seeing you and your wife at new years.'

 

Or a message that says, 'how about you, your wife, my fiance and find a day when we can all lunch together.'

 

If he had any nefarious intentions, those two messages will get the point accross that you don't intend to meet him alone, and if he was just being nice, he wouldn't take offense at the suggestion you add other people to the lunch.

[annie24]

How about,

 

"I'd love to have lunch with you and (his wife) and my fiance when you both can come to celebrate our engagement. Let's try and work out a time at New Years when we see each other."

 

If he presses the 'just the two of us' issue I'd be frank and tell him that makes you uncomfortable and you'd prefer it be a group event.

 

i like that!!!

[KarateKate]

I agree that you should suggest a double date or decline the offer altogether.

 

I realize things could get uncomfortable, but I think you should at least consider telling your fiance. Part of the reason my boyfriend trusts me so much is because I've always told him about situations like this, and if it comes out later, he may be upset that you didn't tell him.

[Samedy]

When you were at that party, did he seem to make an effort to make this offer when you were alone?

 

I find it odd (and maybe telling) that he is giving you his work number instead of his own number. If his intentions are sincere and he just wants to go out for lunch then he really shouldn't have any problem with a lunch being known by others.

 

I think either way you should tell your fiance. You could just tell him that so-and-so has been making these offers, or if this is a New Years Party you could bring it up at dinner in front of the group. Not making a big deal out of it or anything... "Oh Frank, I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you about lunch. Maybe we should work something out sometime". If there is nothing to hide, why hide it?

[savignon]

You guys give great advice! I usually do, too,...just when it's ME, I'm like, "ummm, so what should I do here?"

Thanks and Happy Holidays!!

[savignon]

Samedy...he did make the original offer when we were 'alone' (not hiding or anything) at the holiday party. When we were saying our goodbye's he kissed me on the lips (just a quick peck), ....so that with the 'are you happy' and the lunch offer and then the email (which was on FB, b/c we don't have each other's private contact info)....just is making me uncomfortable. And I just love my friend so much and I know my fiancee will not like this so I'm kind of like, "I didn't do anything wrong and I don't want things to be uncomfortable in the future"...I love my friend and have been thinking of her too. Not that he necessarily has ill intentions...

I've found that I'm often 'confused' when really it's not confusing or an overly complicated problem...I just can't always work myself through it without some advice.

Thanks again, everyone!

[shikashika]

Have you hung out with this guy before? I know that with married friends I have gone out for lunch with only the husband as we used to work a block away from each other, but it wasn't like he was 'taking me out for lunch'.

 

Also, I might add, in my situation, we have been close friends for 10 years!

Otherwise, it might be a bit odd. With most of my couple friends, I'm good friends with them both and it wouldn't be an issue, however, in this instance, it does seem a bit weird.

 

I really like the suggestion of making sure it's a double date!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i dont' think you have to make a big deal about this... because you are not sure of his intentions and it could be very awkward if he had no bad intentions.

 

So just deflect it by using one of the techniques talked about above, and let it go, unless he starts pestering you. i don't think you need to tell your fiance either, because if the guy is innocent, you don't want to create friction between them. No harm, no foul, just deflect the invitation and let it drop.

[tictactoe2006]

Samedy...he did make the original offer when we were 'alone' (not hiding or anything) at the holiday party. When we were saying our goodbye's he kissed me on the lips (just a quick peck), ....so that with the 'are you happy' and the lunch offer and then the email (which was on FB, b/c we don't have each other's private contact info)....just is making me uncomfortable.

 

This seals it. You need to notifiy your fiancee and your friend immediately, in a non-confrontational manner, about this.

 

From the outside looking in - this guy is trying to 'build the conneciton' in cheaters parlance. If you went to the lunch, you'd hear about how his wife is a (expletive), etc, etc - he is testign the waters to see if he can get something started. I am the brother of a cheater, and my uncle is also a cheater, and this is EXACTLY the type of thing they'll do - make it look just innocent enough that maybe it is ok, but slowly begin breakign down the barriers.

 

No, there is no good that will come of this, none at all. And you really do need to talk to your fiancee about this.

[tictactoe2006]

i dont' think you have to make a big deal about this... because you are not sure of his intentions and it could be very awkward if he had no bad intentions.

 

 

True, but if he had no bad intentions, there would be no peck on the lips - the only person I ever kiss on the lips, peck or otherwise, is my wife.

[25thfloor]

I've been in this situation before. this is how i handled it. I emailed and said 'oh yes! thursday works for us. we will see you there'. and ... then..... sit back and wait. it's very interesting how they worm out of the 'date'.

[tictactoe2006]

I've been in this situation before. this is how i handled it. I emailed and said 'oh yes! thursday works for us. we will see you there'. and ... then..... sit back and wait. it's very interesting how they worm out of the 'date'.

 

VERY CLEVER! I love it! Glad to see someone else on my same wavelength with this, LOL.