Have we broken up? Was it my fault?

[bethy84]

Hi everyone. Any advice/ input would be greatly appreciated here. I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. Since we met we have broken up 3 times. The first was mutual as he was graduating and moving away (but we got back together after a month) and the next two times he broke up with me. After our last break up last year, where he started to get panicy after our mothers went to lunch, he went away on holiday on a boys trip and came back to tell me it was over. I did the whole NC thing and when he came back to me he promised me it was for good and that he would never hurt me again. since then he has been asking me to move in with him and i kept saying no because i wanted a commitment from him first (ie engagement). Anyway even though I am quite young (24 he is 27) I just want to be engaged to him to know he wants to be with me, and look to get married in the future. We talked about it a lot, that and having children which he does want but not now, and he promised me it would happen soon. Unfortunately i started to get impatient as everyone around me, my friends and my family kept going on at me about it, so I would just take it out on him.

 

Then last month we went to Bruges. On the way back he was talking about us going skiing for xmas and i said I can't leave my family at Xmas to go away with you unless we are engaged. He said, fine, we will go next Christmas then.

 

We got home from our trip and I was sad to leave him again and went into a mood about getting engaged and why we cant just be together all the time and he said to me why don't you just move in, and I said no. To cut a long story short I started being a bit mean and playing hard to get. I stopped calling him and made excuses as to why I couldn't see him. He asked me if i missed him and I said no. then he asked me if I would come and stay with him a bit during Xmas and I said no (he lives just outside of London, 40 mins from me). So he told me it is time for us to go on a break. I said to him, I thought we were happy and he replied "at times. I just don't see a future with you. Sorry" and that was it.

 

What do you think might happen now? This was two weeks ago, and since he has called me once but I didn't answer and he hasn't called me again. I have to say I know I was a bit mean but I have gotten so insecure as he keeps breaking up with me. It is for good now?

[abitbroken]

i think you were being a bit pushy. It is one thing to not want to move in with someone unless there is a commitment (that is totally admirable and a good move by most counts), but when you refused the ski trip "unless we are engaged" you are creating conditions. I mean, you could have got separate rooms if your point was not to sleep in the same bed or room, etc. I felt that you were "taking it out on him" rather than expressing a moral view, etc. If you have ever taken a trip together before, etc it seems a bit strange.

 

Perhaps he felt that you became really one minded about "engagement or bust." It is hard, I know when the family is on top of you presssuring you and friends are too and it is easy to have a reaction that doesn't match what the other person is dishing out when we obsess or discuss it over and over with people not really involved.

 

Talking about wanting kids someday, etc is a good move at that point to feel out if that person is compatible for marriage with you, but after that, the hint has been dropped and you have to lay off a little.

 

Maybe since you have been aiming for engagement you have changed and are more irritable the longer it goes without a proposal from him and he probably felt a lot of pressure.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with abitbroken...you were being way too pushy and snarky. The refusal to go skiing over Christmas with him unless you are engaged was really over the top. Then you started playing games with him in retaliation for not getting what you want. All those things serve to DISCOURAGE rather than encourage a marriage proposal. I can understand not wanting to move in with him unless engaged or married...but the other things you were doing and saying were just retaliatory gestures out of anger. You could have stayed with him a bit over Christmas since you are only 40 minutes away. You are also holding his breakups over his head...yes you are insecure...but retaliation is not the answer. Now maybe he never was interested in marrying you and he would have strung you along forever...but the better way to have found out would be to have set a timeline in your head...stop pestering him about it...have one talk about it and then let it go. Then, when that timeline has come and gone, have one more talk about where he is at and then if he is still not interested in marriage then tell him the two of you have different future goals and it is time for you to go separate ways. In other words, you end things on a mature note rather than on a "bratty" note. When a relationship ends in a mature fashion, the other person, over time, will remember you more fondly and may reconsider...when things end on a bad note with acting out..the other person just breathes a sigh of relief for dodging a bullet.

[savignon]

Ultimatums like the one you gave aren't healthy for a relationship. He might be feeling that you love him/are committed only under the conditions you dictate. If you're genuinely sorry and think you were wrong, you should call him and appologize...even if it doesn't result in anything. Take responsibility for your part and then see what happens. At the very least, you wanted to know if there was a future and it looks like he's ready to be more clear about it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>I just don't see a future with you. Sorry

 

If someone says that to you, it's time to throw in the towel. I think he was attached to you due to the 5 years, but obviously had decided he didn't want to take it to the next level of marriage. Perhaps he knew deep down he didn't want to marry you, but was sad at the prospect of breaking up with you and being lonely.

 

Lots of people who don't like to be alone won't make the final break until they've met a new person they are interested in. So you don't want to just hang on for years waiting for him to meet that person, instead, take your life into your own hands and go out and find someone who does really want to be with you and is willing to take it to the next level.

[KarateKate]

Well, I think the point of the ski trip was that it was at Christmas. She couldn't leave her family during Christmas for someone who wasn't also "family." I would have responded the same way.

I can understand the frustration. He's willing to take things to the next level by moving in together, but he won't ACTUALLY make the commitment. She's just supposed to uproot her life and move in with him and just hope he's willing to marry her someday. I would be angry, too.

I'm not saying it was handled in the best way, but I've been in your shoes, and I understand how crazy it can make you. I also think that if he loved you, and he really intended on marrying you someday, he wouldn't have gotten so agitated. Instead of responding, "don't worry, it's going to happen," he was angry that you expected any sort of real commitment.

I would call him to apologize, but I do think you need to think about whether or not you really even want to be with this person.

[catfeeder]

I would consider doing a combo plate; calling to apologize and also tell him you'd like to take a break from the relationship for a time so you can both work out where you stand with one another.

 

You're still living with your parents. That's not a terrible thing, but you've never even had the opportunity to live on your own, yet you're pushing for an engagement to a guy who's already dropped you several times?

 

Marriage won't prevent that from happening again, in fact, it sounds like the whole thing has turned dismal. That doesn't mean there's zero hope of a future together, but why not give yourselves both the time and space to explore life solo for a while and only then decide if you're a 'meant to be' deal, or if you're just together out of habit?

 

In your corner.

[bethy84]

Thank you for all your responses. FYI the Christmas skiing situation wasn't about me being over the top it was because I just can't leave my family during xmas to go off with someone who isn't family - like Karatekate said.

 

In an ideal world I would love to call him to tell him I am sorry but knowing him, he will act impulsively and tell me that it is over. He wanted a break - I will give him one. I think I will continue with this no contact and hope that he will make up his mind soon about our future. In the meantime I will try to just live my life to the fullest because I physically can't do anything else.

[abitbroken]

 

You're still living with your parents. That's not a terrible thing, but you've never even had the opportunity to live on your own, yet you're pushing for an engagement to a guy who's already dropped you several times?

 

I agree with living on your own before jumping in to live with a guy. It is invaluable.

[abitbroken]

Thank you for all your responses. FYI the Christmas skiing situation wasn't about me being over the top it was because I just can't leave my family during xmas to go off with someone who isn't family - like Karatekate said.

.

 

If you are at the point considering marriage with someone, they are becoming your family. If I had a fiance or a husband and he refused to go somewhere with me because "i am not family" he would have another thing coming...

 

But i agree - if you broke up so many times...maybe time to move on.

[bethy84]

I agree with living on your own before jumping in to live with a guy. It is invaluable.

 

Oh yes and about that I have lived on my own before:

 

4 years at uni

1 year Spain

1 summer in Los Angeles

[bethy84]

If you are at the point considering marriage with someone, they are becoming your family. If I had a fiance or a husband and he refused to go somewhere with me because "i am not family" he would have another thing coming...

 

But i agree - if you broke up so many times...maybe time to move on.

Thanks for your imput but you misunderstand the point: it would hurt MY family regardless of how I feel about him, if I were to leave them at xmas.