She called at 2:41 am ... TWICE

[zrehman]

Thanks. And I read your thread, I'm sorry to hear about the pain that your going through and I think you made a great decision of doing NC and I think your ex realized what her life would be like without you.

 

I have to tell her something and what it is that I'm going to tell her is:

 

"We are looking for 2 different things and I cannot revert my feelings back to being friends and holding the way I feel with you. It's not possible for me at this point in my life right now."

 

I mean, we talked about this last night and she said that it would be selfish of her to force me to stay in the friendship if its something I can't do, she said she would understand if I chose the decision of not wanting to be in contact. And her sister told her as well and agrees with me, that maybe I need time to heal before I can began a friendship.

[zrehman]

Thanks.. tough times but we'll get there.. get these damn holidays out the way

 

yep, i think what your going to say is fine, similar to what id say if my ex gets back in touch. Focus on moving on and getting your life back together.. 6 months down the line you may feel strong enough to be friends or you may meet someone new along the way.. who knows in this life..but remember the NC is for you.. not to try win her back..thats what i keep having to remind myself of.

 

look forward to your updates.

 

So say I want a better chance of winning her back ...

 

NC is better than staying in contact??

 

If I stay in contact we could fight more and thus us pushing away from each other. If I stay NC, she might realize my importance in her life.

[zrehman]

Any particular threads which have really helped you?

 

Do you mind posting the link so I may read some of them for inspiration?

[naturesown]

There are no mysteries about romance.....it is the most entertaining experience we go thru............it is all about entertainment...when we can't keep another attention on us and they become vague it is time to get out the bathroom window and improve your style and character for the next victim...........Only when we are real with ourselves will we be able to be real to another.......the deciet and lies that some of us have used to play the heartstrings of another are bought into for awhile...the real us always surfaces sooner or later.

Joe

[diamond78]

Ok Zehrman,

 

 

Here is the honest truth of what I think....

 

 

I just read back all your threads regarding you and your Ex and I firmly believe you two need to call it off for good.

 

In the span of 2.5 years you guys have broken up about 6 times (I actually began to lose count after awhile).

 

Your relationship together is littered with bad breakups, cheating, dishonesty, violent arguments, and goodness even the cops have been called out twice during this relationship.

 

It has developed into a pretty dysfunctional relationship.

 

I'm not surprised that you guys broke up this time and you are entertaining getting back together with her. This very same pattern has been occurring since the first couple months of dating each other. You guys have created a vicious break-up/make-up cycle and I believe the only way it will stop is if you let this current break-up remain permanent.

 

She is now telling you that she can't handle a relationship with you or anyone at this point and I believe her. You should too. Her past and current actions within this relationship makes that notion loud and clear for you and everyone to see. She has alot of maturing to do.

 

This is the perfect opportunity for you to get out of this situation, get your mind clear, and to build up your confidence again.

 

She is not the one for you and you are not the one for her - at least not at this moment in time. The sooner you accept this, the better off you'll be....

 

 

I know that this is not what you wanted to hear from me, but it's how I see the relationship as a whole. I think you need to move on and find someone better suited for you.

 

You say you love her, but I think you are more in love with the idea of her and what you hoped she would be to you.

 

Let her go.....If it's meant to be, she will come back into your life when she has emotionally evolved and you as well. But for now....let. her. go.

[PJPaul]

^yes yes yes!^

 

I couldn't have said it any better myself. also...You need to focus on what is best for you, not her. If you break and get back together six months from now you'll on ENA talking bout how you guys broke up again

 

Another point in being if that yo agree to be friends, she now has the best of both worlds while your in a position to easily get screwed over. What happens in on day you find out that she is with some other man while tryna win her back, while she has you as back burnner if the new guy falls thru. Your better than a back up dude. and i know she said that isnt doing that but come one man be logical here.

 

I think you should call it off, NC and you guys need work on your own lives.

 

Don't set yourself up to get hurt. You have a bunch of guys on here that man the same mistake and payed for it in full.

 

In the end its your choice but heed our warning. Every choice comes with its consequences.

[gut feeling]

Aussume for a minute you did win her back, how long do you think it will be before she returns to her usual ways of mistreating you??

 

Do you honestly think she will ever give you what you want?? or perhaps you like living HOPING one day she will realise how great you are and that she will start being nice to you.... Not a great way to live.

 

No matter how hard you try and no matter which tactic you try (NC/LC or FULL CONTACT!!!) you can NOT make her change and finally see the light that you are a super great guy.

 

You are waaay too good for this girl and you deserve to be with a really great girl who treats you the way you deserve to be treated!

 

Dont wait for her to decide if she wants to be with you or not. What happens when she decides not to be with you, AGAIN!!!

 

I say you decide for yourself and walk away with your head held high knowing that you made the decision to move on.

 

In some time maybe you will have some perspective to see this for what it really is, an unequal and uneven abusive relationship.

 

I really am sorry to be so blunt here but it seems everyone is saying the same thing in a nice way and you arent hearing it. I take my time to write this because I really think you are needlessly torturing yourself with this girl.

 

There really are so many other girls out there and the sooner you put this one behind you the sooner you will see it.

 

Gather up your pride and walk away.

[zrehman]

UPDATE

 

Hey everyone. Hopefully this will be my last update on my situation.

 

Firstly, I want to thank everyone for there opinions and thoughts on this matter. I don't even know you guys, but you were there for me when I needed help. Thank you very much!

 

Basically last time I spoke with her which was on Saturday. I told her I couldn't be her friend and that I needed time to heal so that I could be her friend in the future. Obviously, my goal was to hold NC till I was strong enough again. She replied, "Ok". She didn't seemed phased by it (not sure if she was putting up a front). I also told her if she wanted to see each other 1 last time for 1 day and 1 night, were we could kiss, cuddle and make love, she said "Yes", without any hesitation or thought. So we picked the 4th of January to meet.

 

However, as I was laying in bed today. I did not like the way things were and felt unfair about everything. So tonight I sent her a text message tellng her:

 

"Hi. I can't keep tortring myself like this. I can't eat or sleep. I don't have the strenght to see you. I wish you gave "us" one more chance, but if this is what you want, I wish you the best in everything, personal life, career and future love life. I know in time when I heal and move on to be stronger, we can then be friends. This is my good bye. Take care of yourself.

 

With love

*my name*"

 

So tonight will mark my 1st NC for real since my ex and I have talked about what she wants and what I want. I hope I can get through this!

 

Any thoughts? Did I do the right thing by not seeing her?

[Seymore]

YES!!! You're beginning to think with your big head, so to speak. Stay strong and STICK TO IT!!!

[zrehman]

YES!!! You're beginning to think with your big head, so to speak. Stay strong and STICK TO IT!!!

 

So if she contacts me for any reason, computer help, question, etc. I should ignore her completely, correcto?

[SighSob]

yeah...you did the right thing bro. Still I wish I had one last day to cuddle and kiss my girl...but yeah that would make the healing more difficult.

[Seymore]

So if she contacts me for any reason, computer help, question, etc. I should ignore her completely, correcto?

 

Absoluto. Those questions (computer help, etc.) are bridges to a gap between the two of you that you NEED to be there. Don't let those bridges down.

 

I too would love a day of snuggling and making love with my ex, but that will do nothing but make me weak and take her back, which will make me feel terrible about myself for not staying true to me and giving in instead, PLUS it will make me feel terrible because I'm in a bad relationship again. Just heal!!!!

[davejsy]

You need to stand firm on the NC, if for nothing else but to get your together - everything is way to emotionally charged for you to be thinking of any sort of reconcilliation on a viable level. More time needs to pass for both of you, and in that time you may decide that you actually don't want, what you think you need at the moment.

 

Loads of good advice from equally good people on here, but at the end of the day it's always going to be your call. I feel for you, this is almost a carbon copy of what happened to me - suffice to say if I'd have done NC from the start I'd saved wasting a couple of months of my life!

[zrehman]

You need to stand firm on the NC, if for nothing else but to get your sh1t together - everything is way to emotionally charged for you to be thinking of any sort of reconcilliation on a viable level. More time needs to pass for both of you, and in that time you may decide that you actually don't want, what you think you need at the moment.

 

Loads of good advice from equally good people on here, but at the end of the day it's always going to be your call. I feel for you, this is almost a carbon copy of what happened to me - suffice to say if I'd have done NC from the start I'd saved wasting a couple of months of my life!

 

Has your ex called you since you started NC? does she want you back?

[zrehman]

Just out of curiosity, if anyone can give insight from the female perspective. If my ex was told of my decision, that we should move on and she seemed ok with it. Then why would she be so eager to see me knowing it would be our last time??

[PJPaul]

Good dude! Your beginning to trust your mind more than your heart. You got it

 

and ye your ex will contact you Mine did on Christmas.....I ignored her. Stop tryna use your heart while its in a body cast man.

 

and your using your head. NC for a good long while.

 

Im also egar to get a woman's perspective on this

[Seymore]

Just out of curiosity, if anyone can give insight from the female perspective. If my ex was told of my decision, that we should move on and she seemed ok with it. Then why would she be so eager to see me knowing it would be our last time??

 

This is going to sound really cold, but it doesn't matter. Put it out of your mind and leave it there.

[zrehman]

This is going to sound really cold, but it doesn't matter. Put it out of your mind and leave it there.

 

Seymore - I understand and that is what I'm doing. But it would help me move on knowing everything.

 

I know some people say, its better not to know, but I think that depends on the person.

[fiffy]

Hey Zrehman

 

I have been through everything you have and going NC the sooner the better is my only advice. I did the whole meeting up thing and romantic dates, for a while we looked back on track. We kissed and held each other and had sex. The last time I saw him was leaving his house in the morning then he disappeared out of my life. He said he was so repulsed by me he could no longer have sex with me and that was that. We had five tourturous months of contact where his abuse of me escalated and I became a suicidal wreck.

 

I am now getting my life on track have been NC for three weeks and am starting to heal. He e-mailed apologising for all the abuse yesterday- he must have been so shocked I didn't call over christmas to send that.

 

So my advice is just do it- cold hard NC the shock will kill her after a few weeks- don't make my mistake and wait until they are with another.

 

Hope you are ok xx

[Seymore]

That's the thing, though. You'll never know everything. You're still letting this swirl around in your head..don't. It'll drive you crazy.

 

I'm in a similar situation with my ex - but she keeps contacting me saying stuff to try to tempt me to answer. I'm doing my darndest trying to put the 1,000,001 questions out of my head...and then when I'm feeling better, she contacts me again. Then I gotta start over. I KNOW it's no good and she's no good, but these questions keep swirling. It's not about closure, it's about YOU and doing what you can to fill your mind with other questions, like what are you going to do with this potentially great future YOU have in store for YOU?

 

It's like asking a girl how many guys she's slept with. This spawns more questions, and more questions. And before you know it, you don't even know if you're sitting or standing anymore. And in the end...it doesn't matter. It's a question not worth asking.

 

I know...you're you and I'm me, but this is advice I WISH I'd taken from myself a long time ago. I wouldn't be such a mess if I hadn't.

[zrehman]

THanks hun .. I appreciate the advice and will stick to NC. I might post on here when she does call ... I guess that is "if" she calls.

 

Also, your gorgeous ... He must be an idiot for thinking you repulsed him ... looks like you will have the last laugh hun!

[zrehman]

I see your point of view and it does make sense!

 

How long have you gone NC before she starts contacting you again?

 

Does she want to get back with you?

[Seymore]

I see your point of view and it does make sense!

 

How long have you gone NC before she starts contacting you again?

 

Does she want to get back with you?

 

Let's just say that there has been no NC on her end...she keeps calling, texting and e-mailing every day since I broke it off Xmas eve, despite me blatantly telling her multiple times to stop. She's even e-mailing my mother trying to get me back. It sucks because a week ago I was saying "I love you" to her...now I'm seriously beginning to wonder if she's crazy. She wants me back, no doubt, but I know I'm in for major heartache and a miserable life if I do take her back. People here had referred to her as emotionally abusive, so if that's any indication, I don't want her back.

[zrehman]

Let's just say that there has been no NC on her end...she keeps calling, texting and e-mailing every day since I broke it off Xmas eve, despite me blatantly telling her multiple times to stop. She's even e-mailing my mother trying to get me back. It sucks because a week ago I was saying "I love you" to her...now I'm seriously beginning to wonder if she's crazy. She wants me back, no doubt, but I know I'm in for major heartache and a miserable life if I do take her back. People here had referred to her as emotionally abusive, so if that's any indication, I don't want her back.

 

WOW ... that quick!

 

So when you were telling her that you love her ... what would she say in response to that?

[fiffy]

THanks hun .. I appreciate the advice and will stick to NC. I might post on here when she does call ... I guess that is "if" she calls.

 

Also, your gorgeous ... He must be an idiot for thinking you repulsed him ... looks like you will have the last laugh hun!

 

Hey Zrehman,

Like the other guy just said this is the advice I wish I would have took 6 months ago.

 

Everytime you think of her, want to call, if she contacts you etc post here. I have only been on here two months but the progress I have made is remarkable.

It will help you get past your emotions and keep her guessing for a change.

 

And trust me she will call. Nobody ever pushed someone away be being a little unavailable did they? If you nip it in the bud right now you will stop the neediness and clinging behaviour that might develop as she toys around. Basically right now she has power over you and she will be getting a kick out of that. She can be with other men but knows you will always be there for her because subtley she is putting you down and making you feel devalued and worthless. It is not easy to see to start with but if you look hard at her behaviour she is not trying to protect your feelings or be sensitive to your situation. She knows how you feel and shes taking advantage of it.

 

NC for 8 weeks- thats when the serious doubts come into their head. Trust me she will call in that time. I bet everyone has heard from their exes at some point in time after the break up. I know I have. By then you won't care if she comes back or doesn't and that will put you in a better position for making the right choice.

 

Thanks for your kind comments too. I am trying to work on my self esteem the last few months. Its hard to ever see myself attracting a man whilst I still believe everything my ex has said. In his e-mail he admitted to the abuse but its all a little too late he already caused the damage.

 

I am hoping to work hard becoming healthy and happy so one day I really will have the last laugh. I deserve it!