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No contact.. or attempt to be friends?


floating80
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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So, let me preface this with a bit of backstory..

 

I'm a 28/m, recently divorced, and I started dating again in October. My ex-wife and I split due to her being gay (which obviously throws a wrench in the whole marriage thing).

 

So, I met a woman, and we went on 3 dates, and then when I was in LA for work, I got an IM from her saying she wasn't able to date me (or anyone), because it made her anxious, she thought she was ready to date, but she wasn't. She got out of a 5 year relationship in August.

 

So, I said okay, and we continued to "hang out" once a week, but it was still like we were dating, we'd kiss, cuddle, etc. Didn't have sex with her though. I was over her place last weekend, and she initiated the intimacy with me that night, so I was under the impression she was coming around.

 

Friday night, she came over my place, and we were hanging out, drinking some wine and watching movies, and I leaned in to kiss her. And.. I got denied, she said "I don't think we should be doing this." So, I backed off and said fine. We get to talking and she says she still has strong feelings for her ex, blah blah blah. And then I go to bed, and she sleeps on the couch.

 

The next morning we talk, and it's like nothing happened the night before, she's still making plans to see me next week, tells me to call her since I'm on vacation and so is she, and we'll get together and do something.

 

I didn't text her after she left thanking her for a good time like I usually do, and I got a text from her around noon yesterday that said "Thanks for being so understanding - hope we can still hang out though with having no expectations of going further."

 

Now, I never really had any expectations for this, I was just rolling with it, and living in the moment, but when someone's giving mixed signals like that, it's hard to separate the mind and the feelings. So, I replied back to her text and said "Not a problem, we can still hang out, and I never had an expectations, I was just going with the flow, it is what it is". And then received texts as normal as to what she's doing throughout her day.

 

I don't know how to approach this going forward, I mean, I get the feeling she likes me, but, she's got too much going on, and I don't know if I want to be involved with someone who can't make up their mind on something on a weekly basis.

 

I'm contemplating telling her that it's been fun, but she's got some stuff to work out, and if she works it all out, she knows how to get ahold of me, and leave it at that.

 

I dunno, I mean, I just don't want to get used out of this, because I do pretty well for myself, and she's doing okay, but I'm always the one that ends up paying when we go out.

 

Anyone ever been in a similar spot? What'd you end up doing?

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I think ending this and walking away is a really good idea....or you can stop paying for her and go out as "friends" where she pays her own way...it is very likely that once she sees that she no longer has a meal ticket she might back away completely. I think she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I would steer clear and find someone who truly wants to be with you.

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Seems to me like you are being used. She has a companion, someone to pay for her meals and entertainment and she has to put nothing into the relationship because she denies there is one. Pretty sweet for her but what is there for you?

 

I think you would be further ahead to find someone who wants a relationship and is prepared to do her part to sustain it.

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Bottom line is that she has told you she is not emotionally available for dating and wants to friendzone this thing between you.

 

If all you want is a friend, you can still see her, but it sounds like you want more so this would just be frustrating for you if you kept seeing her as just a friend.

 

I'd tell her to call you if she decides she's ready to date, since you want to date her and not just be friends. Meanwhile, keep dating other women.

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Too soon after her breakup. I tend to think of people within a year after breakup as not being relationship material--for a variety of reasons, and this plays out exactly one of them.

 

Can't speak for anyone else, but I don't deserve someone's indecision, I won't be someone's rebound, and I certainly don't want remnants of leftover head problems with their ex coloring my world.

 

You get to decide what you'll put up with.

 

Head high, and in your corner.

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yeah...Just got out of a similar situation. He wasnt over his ex, I think they broke up around August or so as well...We dated, kissed, cuddled, watched movies, but he was still very damaged from his ex and going through alot of emotional distress...I cared about him and wish I could help him, but there was nothing I could do. I didnt want to get hurt and he didnt want to hurt me. We ended it, with me saying give a call when/if you are ready...I will never know if it was just that I wasnt the right girl to pull him out of his depression for his ex, or if it really was bad timing...I still miss him and it is sad not to have given it a real try..But it wouldnt have worked and would have gotten messy Im sure, had we both kept trying...Now we still have a pretty clean slate if there was any future potential, and I can move on and try to get over him, which Ive been doing, although he came into my work the other day! Set back...

 

Anyway, I think you dont have as many options as youd like...You have two really. The one you are doing right now and causeing you turmoil and pain and will continue to as long as ytou stay with her..Or walking away and feeling turmoil and pain for awhilw but it wont last forever and you will have done what I think you know is best for your heart.....

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The interesting thing about it, is I was like, okay, I'll just not contact her, see how she reacts. Didn't hear from her yesterday, but she texts me this morning saying she won't be on AIM until later in the afternoon (we usually talk during the day while we're at work), and I'm good with that, didn't really care less, and then she's IMing me and texting me this afternoon, and being flirty. It's just odd. I have the feeling that she just likes the attention, or her other guy / ex / whatever the hell is going on, isn't as rosy as she thinks, hah.

 

I dunno, I'll probably keep in touch with her, but I've already got some dates lined up for next week. Haven't told her yet, but I don't really feel the obligation to at this point. If we're just friends like she wants to be, then I don't have to tell my friends everything, now do I? Hah

 

Thanks for the advice though, and to everyone in the thread, I appreciate it, and hope everyone has a good holiday.

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