sabotaaage!

[sooky]

i think i'm trying to sabotage my relationship...it's almost as though my finger is on the self destruct button and i am teasing it gently...a little push, a harder push, a lighter push...to see how much it'll take before it implodes.

 

a bit of background so that image makes a bit more sense...?

i have been with my boyfriend for more than 3 years...most of them long distance until i relocated from the uk to australia in august this year. the transition from long distance to living together has been a difficult one for us both, not to mention the pressure of having moved to the other side of the world. he made the mistake of confiding in another girl and developing feelings for her, which i discovered by snooping. about 6/7 weeks ago, i confronted him.

 

we talked and agreed to try to work things out. in the aftermath of this, i tried to remain very calm and dignified for the sake of the relationship (and to remain supportive of him in his last few weeks of uni). he was defensive and didnt handle the situation as well as he could have, but he has since realised how wonderful i am and has been a great boyfriend recently. very loving and expressive and supportive.

 

however, i think i repressed a lot of anger and hurt. which is bubbling to the surface now (it is also a little bit exacerbated by the fact that i'm away from my family and friends at christmas time, which sucks. plain sucks.) we've talked and cried. ive told him ive thought about breaking up with him, perhaps we are not right for eachother etc etc. i am making the mistake of dwelling on this and i find myself snapping at tiny things and making myself upset. i overthink after we have sex and end up feeling dirty (which is really not like me at all) and wanting to push him away. and yet at the same time, i want him around constantly and need lots of cuddles and attention from him.

 

this ambivalent cycle of neediness and wanting to push him away is not healthy. and im aware that it's only a matter of time before his patience cracks (which of course, makes me feel needier, because he has previously damaged my trust).

 

i guess i would like advice and opinions on how to forgive him and move on, but also how i can heal without losing him...?

 

thankyou lovelies xxxx

[redhearts]

He cheated and you feel you shouldn't be with him now. Its almost like you don't know how to break up, who is to know he didn't do it before?

[ladylol1234]

You can either forgive him and try to put it out of your mind or you can move on. You are only going to make yourself miserable if you keep on snapping. Life is too short to be unhappy. Be a lover, not a fighter.

[ladylol1234]

You have every right to be mad at him though because he cheated. You are holding yourself back from breaking up though.

 

I know you didn't want to hear this, but you are blaming yourself for his mistakes. Honestly, I don't even think you are happy with him anymore.

[Silentlyfor]

You have every right to be mad at him though because he cheated. You are holding yourself back from breaking up though.

 

I know you didn't want to hear this, but you are blaming yourself for his mistakes. Honestly, I don't even think you are happy with him anymore.

 

I agree. And, this may sound harsh, but the guy sounds like a two-timing, sycophantic son-of-a-***** and I think you are all too forgiving of what he did. In fact, I'd say he's been very supportive lately because of his guilt OR because he's being left happier for some 'other' reason.

 

It may be difficult, but you should consider taking that first big step towards breaking up and then severing the relationship. He doesn't, in any way, seem right for you and you would probably be happier for it.

[sooky]

i'm happy with him when he's nearby...!!

when i am left alone, i dwell.

i am currently feeling alone and a bit depressed. i'm in a vast country, and yet i feel trapped. i lack motivation, and i lack self-esteem enough to generate the motivation that i need!! i plan on joining a dance class in the new year, so i can meet more people and feel healthier and energised. i hope that when i am happier in myself, the relationship will follow. i want to forgive him, but think i will only be able to do so when i'm happier. i just hope he can put up with me until then. taking a break is not an option.

[redhearts]

Fear of being alone. You haven't dumped the guy who cheated on you with because your in a whole new country and you don't know anyone. You don't have anywhere to go and maybe not made friends yet? So you feel stuck and your just trying to make it work. Interesting.

[sooky]

oh dear!

can i just clarify that he didnt physically cheat on me. i know it makes little to no difference when there are feelings involved. but at the time of their intense communication (which lasted only around 2 weeks) the girl was in sweden and he was in sydney. he's a big baby who needs to grow up and take responsibility for what he did, but i know him well enough to know that he is trying and will continue to try...

[redhearts]

Emotional cheating is cheating. You don't know the extent of that relationship or if there were others. Just my opinion but if a man cheats once he will do it again or has done it more than once.

[sooky]

you're right rehearts! it's been tough meeting people here because of my work, but the situation is improving gradually. its a lovely feeling when you actually get a phonecall from someone you swap numbers with. i have to say though...it's a very different experience making friends as an adult than when i was at school or uni...much harder because everyone i meet already has their lives set up, which i why i will join a dance class in the new year.

 

however, i would like to say that its not so much fear of being alone, but rather fear of not being with him. i think he is a wonderful man who has the potential to make me very happy. if we were to break up (which is not what i want) i know i will be fine...i will throw on my backpack and see more of this country before going home to my loving and amazing family. but that is not what i want. i want to make a life here with him.

[sooky]

redhearts...not rehearts

[redhearts]

All I have to say: Good luck.

[ladylol1234]

i'm happy with him when he's nearby...!!

when i am left alone, i dwell.

i am currently feeling alone and a bit depressed. i'm in a vast country, and yet i feel trapped. i lack motivation, and i lack self-esteem enough to generate the motivation that i need!! i plan on joining a dance class in the new year, so i can meet more people and feel healthier and energised. i hope that when i am happier in myself, the relationship will follow. i want to forgive him, but think i will only be able to do so when i'm happier. i just hope he can put up with me until then. taking a break is not an option.

 

It's great that you want to feel better about yourself. A dance class sounds like a great way to meet new people..em..hm...particularly guys. Has that thought crossed your mind?

 

If he isn't making you feel good about yourself, then what makes you think that it is going to change. When you are in a relationship, your partner is supposed to make you want more and is supposed to make you feel hella good about yourself.

 

Why can't you breakup for a while to find yourself? This makes me wonder if you actually have motives to stay with him...For one, out of convenience or two, because you don't think u will make it own your own?

 

What's really going on here?

[sooky]

i would like to think that he has been honest about the extent of that relationship...

if he hasnt, then he will slip up soon enough, and i will walk. but he has explained himself and cut contact with her.

 

i am choosing to believe him and stay with him...i guess its just a case of getting over it.

[Silentlyfor]

If that's what you want, then, by all means, stay with him. But what redhearts and myself are trying to bring to your attention is that he will very likely try to cheat on you again. Of course, there is the possibility that he will smarten up, apologize for what he's done and live happily and blissfully with you.

 

But you have claimed that you are constantly angry, prone to fits of anger and are given to cause a fight or two with him. Something is amiss in your heart and you need adress what it is.

[sooky]

of course i have motives to stay with him

you're right...it is convenient. we share a room and i certainly cant afford to rent on my own. but not only that, i would like to be able to find myself while i'm with him and with his support.

 

i think the dancing i'd like to do wont have many guys in attendance. i met a girl recently who runs dance classes fairly near where i live (or as near as you can get in this very spread out city!) so i will definitely be getting on the case with that in january. not sure what you mean by that thought crossing my mind though...?

[ladylol1234]

He wasn't being honest. If you weren't snooping around and found it, you would be clueless right now. How do you know he isn't secretly talking to this other chick? You really have no clue what he is out there doing. I think it wud be wise of you to ask more questions about how he feels. Get him talking...

[sooky]

you are right redmage22. it is definitely something that i need to address. i think it is perhaps it is the combination of everthing - of being so far from home and a bit lost regarding my career and future, as well as boy being bad, that is making this so difficult. i can deal with one thing at a time!! i do wish he'd given me a little bit longer to settle in before feeling the need to emotionally connect with someone else!

[ladylol1234]

what you mean by that thought crossing my mind though...?

Since he finds it ok to talk to other people behind your back, why don't u start talking to someone else?

 

I'm not condoning cheating, but if you're not married and this relationship is not going anywhere, go for it!

[sooky]

we talk a lot. i'm a big talker and although he is not a talker by nature, he has learnt! it is also the actions that follow that talking that mean a lot...and he has followed through on the things that i have asked...for instance, sending a message to this girl to explain himself (and apologise to her, because he took her for a ride). he sat next to me and wrote this message and deleted her contact details...yes, he may have written her number down secretly to contact her again one day, but i dont think he has. i guess to trust him is a choice until it feels natural to do so again.

[sooky]

ah ladylol! you make me chuckle!

i would like to think that the relationship is going somewhere...! but im sure there are plently of lovely boys out there who will want to help ease my pain if it doesnt!

[catfeeder]

He formed a friendship with another girl, that's not cheating unless he got physical. There's a practical reason I say that; it's because if you treat a nonphysical relationship in the same manner you'd react if you caught him exchanging body fluids, then you've removed all barriers to him taking that next step. In his mind, why shouldn't he go ahead and play if he's paying for it to that degree anyway?

 

Another thing to consider about breach of trust is that it went both ways--you snooped. That means he's living with his own private policewoman, which can't be inspiring.

 

These are all considerations if you want to stay with this man. It can't become a scenario where you're the injured party and he's the untrustworthy one, because that won't work. If being suspicious and insecure would serve your goals in any way, I'd be more supportive of your perfect right to do that--but your goals are the key, and so your behaviors and attitudes must align with them.

 

I'd take a walk with him (side by side is better for conversations--less confrontational) and let him know that you've been thinking about your own behavior since you got there, and you really feel you haven't been showing him that you appreciate him enough. Offer to dedicate the next month to making him feel really good. Make a game of it, ask for his ideas about it, throw yourself into it--and use this time to focus on being strictly constructive rather than destructive toward him. Without demanding quid pro quo.

 

At very least you'll know with confidence that you've done everything to your best ability that you possibly can to reverse this into something positive. You won't have time for the sabotage, and who needs that, anyway?

 

In your corner.

[sooky]

thanks catfeeder. you are very wise. and i agree with your comment about boundaries. his 'friendship' with her was emotional and romantic (so i dont want you to think i have been punishing him for a platonic friendship), but he certainly didnt exchange bodily fluid. so i dont have to battle those images. though i would have simply left if he had so much as kissed her.

 

and yes. i snooped. i was so worried about confessing to snooping, that i didnt confront him about his contact with 'the girl' for two painful weeks!!! it was strange that when i did, he said he almost knew that i would snoop, and purposely didnt delete their thread of messages. it seems as though he wanted to be confronted, perhaps as a wake up call? and i have to say his behaviour has changed so much since then and he is treating me very well indeed.

 

we're going on a bit of a holiday in january, i hope that this will help us to reconnect and move on...!

[catfeeder]

thanks catfeeder. you are very wise. and i agree with your comment about boundaries. his 'friendship' with her was emotional and romantic (so i dont want you to think i have been punishing him for a platonic friendship), but he certainly didnt exchange bodily fluid. so i dont have to battle those images. though i would have simply left if he had so much as kissed her.

 

I understand, and I think you get why it's important for you to treat this as a friendship--so you staaaap punishing him. It won't accomplish anything but the very relationship hell you fear. If you'd leave him for a kiss, then that's your clear line to stick with.

 

and yes. i snooped. i was so worried about confessing to snooping, that i didnt confront him about his contact with 'the girl' for two painful weeks!!! it was strange that when i did, he said he almost knew that i would snoop, and purposely didnt delete their thread of messages. it seems as though he wanted to be confronted, perhaps as a wake up call? and i have to say his behaviour has changed so much since then and he is treating me very well indeed.

 

Great, and I hope you'll return that treatment. It's important for your own psyche to make this about mutual appreciation--else you'll continue to monitor him and keep taking the temperature of the relationship based on that. You owe him payback for the snooping just as he owes you whatever he feels he owes you.

 

we're going on a bit of a holiday in january, i hope that this will help us to reconnect and move on...!

 

Wonderful! Happy new year to you both.

 

In your corner.

[sooky]

you are lovely. i will take your wisdom and learn from it. at the very least, we will both be better people and at most, better people who are more capable of loving eachother. i am going to leave a little love note next to his key when he comes in from work late late tonight.

thankyou xx