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I dumped a girl because she kissed another girl before...Is this wrong?

Umlunguusa

By Umlunguusa
in Dating Advice

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Umlunguusa Enthusiast

Umlunguusa

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Okay, first thing first, this DOESN'T make me a homophobe. my best friend ever is a Mexican lesbian girl, and while I love her to death, I don't want to imagine what she does in the bedroom; kind've like, (most of) you love your parents, but...you still don't want to know what they do in there. same thing.

 

Well anyways, I have this thing where I was dating a girl for a few dates, and I was getting along fine with her, until she said that she made out with a few girls...I felt my stomach get queasy, and I had to let her go. I don't know, I just don't feel right dating a girl who's done things like that. I'm sure it's alright with some guys, but not for me.

 

So now she's in a fit of tears, saying she really was getting to like me, etc. but honestly...I can't...physically and emotionally find her attractive anymore. I don't know why, but can someone help me here?

 

Is this wrong?

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shikashika Mentor

shikashika

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well no it's not WRONG, obviously wrong for you... and I think your girlfriend probably finds it a bit odd that you like her and would dump her over something like this.

 

Are there other reasons why you would not want to be with her and just using this as a reason?

 

I think its a strange reason to dump someone, but then I am not you.

 

It makes me wonder what other *small* reasons you would dump someone over.

 

I think this girl is better off without you, and you have made it clear that you are better off without her.

 

you do sound very defenisve about being a homophobe.. its like of like someone saying, "I'm not racist, my best friend is (insert nationality) or "I'm not homophobic, I have a cousin who is gay!"

 

Your Mexican lesbian friend has nothing to do with this, so I have no idea why you brought her into it.

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Umlunguusa Enthusiast

Umlunguusa

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Your Mexican lesbian friend has nothing to do with this, so I have no idea why you brought her into it.

 

Because if I didn't make an impassioned defense of myself, I can just picture the "Homophobe" comments flying.

 

I dunno, I just am really turned off by that; my ex gf was bi, and...I just think it's rather shallow for a girl who doesn't identify as bi, to be making out with another girl. I mean, it's either she's lying to herself about her desires, or she is just trying to titillate men.

 

I guess another thing is, she thought it'd turn me on, when in fact, it's a MAJOR TURN-OFF for me...not Every man is enchanted by the idea of two girls going at it, least of all, me.

 

She won't stop calling me now, though...Eish

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

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well, if it's a deal breaker for you, then that's that. i think most other guys would start drooling once she started talking about the other girls. then they'd ask her for the play by play. but, if this is an issue that is that important for you, then it's good you broke things off sooner rather than later.

 

FYI - girls do experiment with each other sometimes. it's more "OK" in society for girls to do things together, like help each other get ready/dressed, watch movies together in small nighties, hug, kiss on the cheek, etc.... a woman can be exploring things with another woman, without being bi or lesbian or trying to titillate a man. it's just exploration.

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Umlunguusa Enthusiast

Umlunguusa

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i think most other guys would start drooling once she started talking about the other girls. then they'd ask her for the play by play.

 

Ugh...am I the only man who isn't attracted to lesbian sex/bi girls? I mean seriously...Am I going to be without dates now because of that rule I have? ...experimenting. hrm...

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Umlunguusa Enthusiast

Umlunguusa

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Stalkerish? LOL uhh I have a question, why say the race your best friend is? That wasn't necessary, yet you said it. HMM. I think its just a turn off and its fine. Just ignore her calls and don't feel guilty that you have to be with her. You don't have to.

 

Lol, I put her race, because that's the way she identifies in spanish, and I was just semi quoting her: "una mexicana lesbiana vatoguey" lol

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ProtestTheHero Enthusiast

ProtestTheHero

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Ugh...am I the only man who isn't attracted to lesbian sex/bi girls? I mean seriously...Am I going to be without dates now because of that rule I have? ...experimenting. hrm...

 

Nah, I agree with you. It'd be a dealbreaker for me, too. In all honesty, what anyone thinks about you because of this is irrelevant. It's all one big subjective game of compatability, so do what you want and realize that no one else's opinion of your decision matters.

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Samedy Community Regular

Samedy

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I don't see anything wrong with it per-say. I'd say it's the equivalent of breaking up with someone over the number of partners they've had.

 

I don't know. Are you turned off by this because of the thought of her doing sexual things with other women in her past or the idea that she may want to partake in these make-out sessions at some later time; putting her fidelity and commitment into question.

 

I can see your point of view in not wanting to get involved with someone has values that go against yours. At the same time, it would suck for someone to break up with me just for being honest and opening up to a person.

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MyheartorHis Enthusiast

MyheartorHis

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Because if I didn't make an impassioned defense of myself, I can just picture the "Homophobe" comments flying.

 

I dunno, I just am really turned off by that; my ex gf was bi, and...I just think it's rather shallow for a girl who doesn't identify as bi, to be making out with another girl. I mean, it's either she's lying to herself about her desires, or she is just trying to titillate men.

 

I guess another thing is, she thought it'd turn me on, when in fact, it's a MAJOR TURN-OFF for me...not Every man is enchanted by the idea of two girls going at it, least of all, me.

 

She won't stop calling me now, though...Eish

 

Whoa whoa whoa. I am not bi and have had sexual encounters with girls. Sometimes people just need to "experience" to see what they do and don't like. I am the type to try anything once (pretty much), and I'm open about it. Maybe she was, too... That doesn't mean she had done anything wrong, was lying, or even lying to herself. She might have just experimented in the past.

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mr_iwi Newbie

mr_iwi

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Because if I didn't make an impassioned defense of myself, I can just picture the "Homophobe" comments flying.

 

I dunno, I just am really turned off by that; my ex gf was bi, and...I just think it's rather shallow for a girl who doesn't identify as bi, to be making out with another girl. I mean, it's either she's lying to herself about her desires, or she is just trying to titillate men.

 

I guess another thing is, she thought it'd turn me on, when in fact, it's a MAJOR TURN-OFF for me...not Every man is enchanted by the idea of two girls going at it, least of all, me.

 

She won't stop calling me now, though...Eish

 

Although those are both plausible options, she may have just had a few bisexual thoughts and wanted to see whether it was just a hormonal glitch or something she genuinely enjoyed.

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MyheartorHis Enthusiast

MyheartorHis

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Although those are both plausible options, she may have just had a few bisexual thoughts and wanted to see whether it was just a hormonal glitch or something she genuinely enjoyed.

 

It's possible but not probable, if you get what I mean. Yes, she might be... but she might have just experimented in the past. That's not being lesbian or bi.

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Lucy__lou Collaborator

Lucy__lou

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I don't believe "shoulds" should come into the equation of who we want to date. If we're honest with ourselves and what we're into, we date who we want to date, not who we should date. So it's a waste of energy to beat yourself up about ending it with someone when they do something or say something which for some reason or another kills your interest. I have some pretty petty turn offs myself (I don't date straight men, only bi).

 

But I think it's good that you're now questioning this. As some of the above posters have said, girls are more likely to dip into bisexuality whether they identify as straight or bi. It's hard for a lot of people to understand, especially men who seem to be more black and white about sexual preference, but really, it's natural for a lot of women to desire each other to some extent or another. Let's face it, women are beautiful, and just because a woman identifies as mostly straight doesn't make her blind to beauty.

 

Unfortunately, we've all grown up in extremely heteronormative cultures which have portrayed heterosexuality as the only natural sexuality. So feeling weirded out or grossed out by something which you aren't used to is kind of to be expected.

 

But the fact is, we now know better. Even though the media continues to seriously under represent bisexuality and homosexuality and everything's all about the straights on TV, we know that's not a realistic representation of reality. And if we want to get beyond the limited world view that is portrayed to us in the media, we have to consciously get ourselves used to and comfortable with the reality of bi and lesbian and gay sexualities. Otherwise we're more likely to unintentionally hurt Gay, Lesbian or Bi people, by not fully recognising the legitimacy of their relationships and their attractions.

 

And I think it's important that you don't let the girls who may seem to be dipping into bisexuality for the men, taint your view of bisexuality in women. Just like some straight men are sleazy and creepy, doesn't mean all straight men are. All sexualities are equal, and it's not for you to judge what is the real deal, and what is exploration and what is confusion. There have been countless people who were naturally gay, or naturally bisexual, who have lived unnatural straight lifestyles, and no one questioned that because it was assumed normal.

 

Anyway, if you're turned off by her having been with women, that's your perogative, and it's probably for the best that you have parted ways.

 

If I was your therapist, I'd tell you to watch 20 episodes of the L word, just to get used to lesbian relationships, and correct the damage done by a lifetime of straight TV, and then I'd tell you to work up the guts to ask your lesbian friend about her relationship. Perhaps the fact you're not turned on by that stuff is part of the reason she is friends with you. Being turned on by two women together in my opinion is more offensive than being turned off by it. I'm into girls, and if I had a guy friend who I found out was fantasising about me and another girl, I wouldn't want to hang out with him anymore.

 

So I don't know if this post is patronising. If I'm stating the obvious to you, then please accept my apologies. I'm just on ena procrastinating actually.

 

(But I hope you ended it nicely with her. I hope you realise that there's nothing wrong with what she did, and that this is your issue, not hers).

All the best.

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Lucy__lou Collaborator

Lucy__lou

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Another thought. I don't know if this is a good idea or a bad idea, but have you told her why you aren't interested anymore?

Depending on how mature she is, and if she's up for it, maybe if you could take a more humble and questioning stance here and actually ask her about her history with women, and find out why she tried it, how she feels about it now and stuff like that. Only if you wanted to give it another shot though. Only if you're open to changing how you view it. And it might backfire anyway. But just a thought.

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Umlunguusa Enthusiast

Umlunguusa

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If I was your therapist, I'd tell you to watch 20 episodes of the L word, just to get used to lesbian relationships, and correct the damage done by a lifetime of straight TV, and then I'd tell you to work up the guts to ask your lesbian friend about her relationship.

 

Seriously--DON'T EVEN SAY THAT!!!! I HATE THAT F***ing show, and it's a disgusting piece of garbage. that show just makes me even more disgusted by lesbian sex than I already am. It doesn't help that my ex looks like Carmen from that show--really, screw that, seriously.

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shikashika Mentor

shikashika

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Seriously--DON'T EVEN SAY THAT!!!! I HATE THAT F***ing show, and it's a disgusting piece of garbage. that show just makes me even more disgusted by lesbian sex than I already am. It doesn't help that my ex looks like Carmen from that show--really, screw that, seriously.

 

 

so you really do have a problem with it? In your first post you said how you needed to let us all know that you weren't homophobic.... the way you wrote that there doesn't exactly portray a positive attitude towards your best friend.. You might not agree with it, but you sound quite harsh there.

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Umlunguusa Enthusiast

Umlunguusa

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so you really do have a problem with it? In your first post you said how you needed to let us all know that you weren't homophobic.... the way you wrote that there doesn't exactly portray a positive attitude towards your best friend.. You might not agree with it, but you sound quite harsh there.

 

I'm starting to realize that my disgust for the thought of lesbians having sex, probably stems from my ex, who called herself lez, even as I was with her--That, and she really did look like Carmen which I can't even look at the actress Sarah Shahi anymore

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