Sadness... 6 months later

[capuccino83]

My ex and I broke up.. more like stopped talking to each other in June b/c of the fight we were having. By this point, I'm not really sure what was happening but it was a long distance relationship and from what I remember, I believe I made him feel too vulnerable/emotional and his biggest fear was someone having that control, so he found every logical reason to break up with me - everything from the long distance to implying that I wasn't trustworthy (b/c a lot of guys hit on me) to that he wasn't making me happy to that he wasn't sure where he was going to live five years down the line, etc.

 

I def went text-psycho on him. He made a clean break. I tried to break NC - I sent him an email in late August about his things/apology for my crazy behavior. No response. Then I sent him a text message a month later telling him that I really missed his friendship. No response. I've kept quiet since then.

 

In these months, I've def become a different person in ways I can't even begin to describe or imagine, just through dealing with all of those awful emotions. I am more aware of when my emotional and codependency issues arise now, so whereas before I would try to break NC or psycho-text him, now I just sit quietly and am at least able to control my actions despite my thought process.

 

I've also dated around since then and had a few short-term relationships, lasting up to two or three months.

 

The reason why I bring this up is b/c I had the most vivid dream about my ex a couple of days ago and can't stop thinking about his since then. That dream was so upsetting that I actually had to call in sick to work that morning to collect myself for a bit.

 

Now that I've been thinking about it, I still miss my ex more than I prob did before. From everyone that I've met before/after him, I have yet to meet someone who can just understand me and who I can understand so well. Its like, no words ever need to be said. Even our best friends in the world, mine who I've known for 8-9 years and his he's known 15-20 years did not compare to the friendship that we had for the brief year we were together. I don't mean to put him on a pedestal, but he was exactly everything I wanted in a guy. Dating other guys after him (with a completely open mind and 100% intention of making it work) has felt like downgrading from a BMW M-class to a Jetta. They just don't compare in terms of things that I value - on how they relate, how respectful and considerate they are, how they treat other people and their family, how they relate to their future, etc. He was the first person that I have ever met that has been "husband" material - someone that despite all of their flaws and shortcomings I could still spend the rest of my life with. He told me many many times that he has felt the same way about me, that really I was his dream girl.

 

And I know that 6 months isn't really that long of a time, esp when it comes to finding another soul-mate like connection, but I just really want to be with him. But I just really miss him. Not so much the relationship things, the sex, or anything like that, I just miss his overall presense/energy in my life and that connection. I'm sure he's a completely different person now. If I were to see him, it would be like looking at a ghost. I also don't want to break NC. I have no idea what he's doing, what he wants, how he feels about me, whether he hates me or not (which I can't help but feel he does) and just don't want to bother him. But I really really really wish that I could talk to him I dont even want to date him or get into a relationship. I just want to sit opposite of him accross from a table with a beer or a cup of coffee and just talk about anything and tell jokes and laugh and just look at him.

 

Wow, this has become a long rant. I don't want to really talk to anyone about this so I guess this everything I've been bottling up for the past 6 months to last couple of days. Thanks for reading.

[waveseer]

It happens that way sometimes. I believe there's a reason and it's for the best whether I fully understand that reason or not.