Christmas memories, crap.

[itsallgrand]

I want to say "I don't know why I'm feeling this way this Christmas" but I do know. I just don't like it.

 

Even though I am a grown woman, this Christmas is starting out real teary and shaky. It seems so petty, almost that is the word, petty, but the reason this all started was getting a christmas card in the mail from my mom.

 

On the card, it was signed loved mom and 'her new bf' here. And on christmas day, I will be spending it at her house and with him, amongst others.

 

I don't really know him all that well, maybe spend one evening or day a month with him in their say, 6 month or so relationship. They seem happy and it seems good and I like him well enough as far as I know him.

 

The thing is when I opened it up it kinda hurt. My stomach kind of turned, and before I knew what was happening I was crying.

 

It's been a long time since my dad died but that was all I could think about right then. And it's sort of been following me since. Just all of it. The full impact of his death and all the good times and love there was with him. He was so important in my life.

 

In that time since his death, mom brought a step father into my life. It took time, and there was anger on my part, but I did settle in to having a great relationship with that man and I really really loved him.

No doubt in my mind he liked me and loved me too.

He passed away a few years ago from cancer.

 

So anyways. It's just that I feel like a bit of little girl looking at the christmas card, and just at christmas in general. I'm not the same as a little girl, but the emotion and specialness of christmas and the holidays is still there for me. I still cherish it very much, and most of all it rings in me as "family and loved ones".

 

Being as it is extra with this being my first real christmas single and without any special man in my life, I don't know, it just feels like my heart can't take any more of breaking and breaking even a little bit to make room for anybody this christmas.

 

There hasn't been a christmas I haven't celebrated in grand style, even if it was the bf or friends going full out doing something special . .. this year, I'm like a goddamn scrooge. I just really got the blues about this damn thing.

 

So - just really missing my dad. I feel kinda * * * * about it, I just want my dad to be acknowledged somehow. It's important to me. He'd be giving me a spin and singing silly to christmas music with me if he could, and he knew about my liking to spend more of the christmas outside in the snow than in the house - but the reality is, that ain't going to happen, and the trip to mom's is going to be sitting around getting fat and being asked into the kitchen. Dad would actually DO things with me.

 

This sounds kinda childish, just I'm not bitter about it, I'm just sad and feeling a bit over welmed at the prospect of once again, having to share and show happiness for my mom when I feel like * * * * myself inside, honestly - it's getting repetitive.

 

Maybe I am still a bit mad at her. I don't know haven't decided if she is holy or stupid or what - but I can't myself handle all these men coming through only to die or leave, and I'm just sick of it. I need some distance and for her to give me a goddamn break. Sometimes I really do feel, enough is enough, I just want some space where we honour DAD and my STEPDAD and we don't have to wash away the old with the new. It is possible to have both without sticking your goddamn head in the sand and pretending like those who have died didn't mean anything to us, and that they still mean something to us now.

 

She won't let me put up any goddamn ornaments from them. Nothing!! Nothing.

 

 

It feels like she's washing them away, it hurts, I hate it, I feel like screaming at her "goddamn it woman! Do what you want but I DON"T NEED ANYMORE GODDAMN FATHERS. I HAVE HAD MINE AND I'M A GROWN WOMAN NOW!!". Like goddamn it,

 

WOW. Yeah, it is some anger there too. Usually buffered, I guess, by being with a special man of my own and being able celebrate with him my dad's presense without making it a theatrical production - just that he was important and I felt him there and needed to honor him at christmas.

 

Thanks for listening. I know what I gotta do now. How are yall doing?

[thejigsup]

I know you are feeling pain, but really, would you wish your mother to be completely alone? She needs companionship just like we all do. Try to put yourself in her shoes. You can't live your life living in the past. We all have to move on. People's lives go on after people die. I wouldn't want my family to move on and enjoy their lives. Anything else would be selfish.

[catfeeder]

I really loved your post; so well written and raising a lot of my own feelings about my family losses.

 

Thank you for reminding me to celebrate another year with my Mom. I don't want to overlook how much I cherish her, as we're all not getting younger. Makes it worth putting up with an ever-expanding step family who's not bad, just getting too crowded with all their pesky SOs. (Meeoooow! Hiss!)

 

In your corner.

[Snoopy24]

Aww (((Big hugs)))

 

i don't think your mom forgot them or is trying to replace them.

 

Sure there are people who lose their spouses early on in life and never date again. and there is nothing wrong with that. But we only have one life to live. She loved your father and your stepdad, and this guy cannot take that love away. The love for them will always be there, and they will always hold a special place in her heart. Just as they do yours.

 

if she seems happy, then try and be happy for her. As far as the ornaments, it could just be too difficult. Why not write them both a letter, and visit their resting place, and leave it for them?

 

Remember, Even though your dad and stepdad won't physically be there with you, they are always with you in spirit.

 

I hope you cheer up, and have a great Christmas, and enjoy it with the people you love!!

[Miss Firecracker]

No matter what you say I always read it until the end. You have the greatest ability to express yourself, the best I've ever seen.

 

I would feel the same way, itsallgrand. It's perfectly understandable. Just have your own celebration, away from your mom where you can honor your two fathers. And when you go to her home just do it her way. She just can't bear to think of the past. We all grieve differently...no right or wrong.

 

I'm not feeling the spirit this time either...

[itsallgrand]

Thank you for all your kindness and not judging all. It really means a lot.

 

Of course, I am happy she is able to love again and has found someone who makes her happy. That is why I said sometimes I don't know if she is holy or stupid or what - she has this amazing ability to keep putting her heart full out there even after all she has been through. I really do admire that, but there are also times where I really struggle to keep up with it.

 

It was really hard for me to write these feelings because I don't feel especially proud of them. But getting it out, I'm glad I did.

 

It'll keep me on track walking into her home, making it a whole lot easier to put out my best and have a good time. I really did not want these feelings to interfere with Christmas as it comes, it means too much to people and to me too.

 

You all are the best. I mean that with all my heart. Your support is an awesome christmas present, it really is.

[mellybelly]

sending lots of love to you itsallgrand!

 

I think it's great that you could get some of your feelings out, and I think they are merited. I'm sorry to hear that you can't express your love and remembrance for your dad and stepdad, such as displaying the ornaments...have you really talked to your mom that much about it? If you can, maybe just display them in your own home?

 

HUGS to you...

 

I completely understand about being sad this Christmas! It's not fun. : (