Help me understand

[changed]

I recently posted a thread in the forum entitled double standards. I'm going to try a different approach in explaining my situation....

 

I am a 30 year old woman seeing a 34 year old man. At a young age I was molested by a family/church friend and didnt tell anyone. I was in bad relationships throughout my teens and early 20s and have come to realize that alot of it comes from what I went through at a young age.

 

I was raised in the church and after high school stopped going to church on a regular basis. I came to terms with the molestation that I went through about 2 and a half years ago and since then have found myself, been back in church, doing things for me and finally loving myself.

 

I have been with my bf for 5 years and it has been an ongoing battle with trust on both sides. He was married and didn't tell me up front about it. My thinking about that whole issue was if he is married then he is cheating not only on his wife but me so me seeing someone else cant be called cheating.

 

I was told on many different occasions that he was leaving and divorcing his wife, and that he would be moving out and coming to stay with me. The divorce was finalized this year and he lives in an apartment which I got for him since he couldnt do it for himself.

 

I have owned up to and apologized for my actions during our relationship and tried to explain to my bf the reason why I acted the way I did and did the things that I did. My self esteem was very low and I was looking for someone, anyone to say that they loved me.

 

I am proud to say that I am the person that my parents raised me to be. I am a humble, giving, forgiving, loving and at times too nice of a person.

 

My bf and I have had our ups and downs. Have said things to each other out of anger and hurt but still love each other very much. Last year sometime we had an issue which led to a HUGE argument and my bf asked that I not communicate with any males until he felt comfortable with it. I really didn't have an issue with that because I don't have any friends and really don't talk to anyone.

 

About 6 months ago I ran into a mutual friend of myself and my ex-bf from high school. I was told that my ex was going through a difficult time in his life. The mutual friend told my ex that he saw me and gave him my phone number to call me without me knowing. When my ex called I answered and listened to what he was going through. I didn't tell my bf about it b/c I knew that he for one would blow up and two wouldn't understand that I was just talking to my ex as a friend.

 

Now the issue is my bf is telling me that he wants to be with me but doesn't know if he can. We don't talk much at all we don't see each other and if we do there is this huge elephant in the room.

 

I do and I don't understand why he is doing this...I am so lost right now. I can't eat, sleep, concentrate at work. I feel like I am losing it. He questions every little thing I do. He tells me he knows that I have changed for the better and he is happy about it but can't trust me. That's what I don't get. How can he say he doesn't trust me when he has done the same thing to me. Wrong is wrong and I know I was wrong and have apologized to him over and over in words and in my actions.

 

I know that I have left out detailed accounts about our relationship but in a nutshell, he was married, didn't tell me, I "cheated" , he made me promises that were never met, he was going to counseling with his ex-wife while still telling me he wasn't with her anymore, etc. Yeah a lot of drama, but through all the drama we have had our good times. I love him with everything in me.

 

I am constantly trying to talk this out with him but it always leads to fights. Do I give him his space and continue to let him accuse me of doing things I am not? What do I do?

[ErikT]

The first thought that comes to mind is that your boyfriend is very controlling. Asking you to not talk to any males?

 

I don't want to jump the gun here, and I obviously don't know the whole story, but I would look at your relationship very close. You said you had bad relationships in your teens and early 20's; Have you stopped and asked yourself if you are still in a bad relationship and if things have really changed.

 

JUst some food for thought, and yes - I would give him his space.

 

Erik

[catfeeder]

I'm sorry you're hurting, and I wish there was a magic wand to untangle this thing. Problem is, it's a relationship formed on deception as its foundation--and all the talk in the world won't change that.

 

I'd give him plenty of space and let him work things out on his own. As hard as that is, it might offer you some clarity also.

 

In your corner.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You are trying to build a relationship on a shaky foundation, with someone who is a known liar and cheater. of course he is not going to believe you if you say you are not cheating, because he has lied and cheated so much, he assumes you are doing it too.

 

Your relationship unfortunately was founded on destroying someone else's marriage, whether he did it or you did it, the bottom line is that is a rocky foundation for starting a new trusting relationship, when neither of you has behaved in a trustworthy way regarding his wife and marriage. You both betrayed that marriage, so respect for any relationship, including your own, is pretty low.

 

I honestly think you two will never trust each other because of the circumstances of your relationship. Most relationships that began as affairs fall apart for that reason.

 

So your best bet is to recognize that you are better off starting fresh with someone you can trust, than trying to build a stable and faithful relationship with someone you already know coldly and callously had an affair and destroyed his marriage. He may already be on his way to finding someone new to replace you with, just like he found you to replace his wife.

 

Sometimes you just have to let go.