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This is a tough subject, but I REALLY need help!

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I have been together with my boyfriend for over 1 1/2 years...


we have big problems sexually, he was sexually abused as a child and it makes it very hard to have sex in a loving way. I need things in my sex life that he cannot give me because of his feelings of guilt, I am 7 years younger then him and I am young and want to have fun and enjoy myself sexually while I still can. Recently my boyfriend told me that having sex makes him feel like he is going to throw up... but that dosent make any sense to me because he seems to enjoy it, and we did have sex 1 week after we met, so I dont understand why he would do anything with me if he didnt really want to. I questioned him on this... he said it is just to please me. I even offered that we could take a break from sex all together for awhile if it makes him feel better (we also live together), he didnt say anything to that. I also told him that we can change things and have a non-sexual relationship... so he wouldnt have to lie to me anymore. He got very pissed off at me and left the house in a storm, slamming doors and yelling at me that I cant say its a lie, its just compromise... but I dont agree with him in any way.


My question is, what can I do to solve this problem? How can I compromise myself into not having sex for a month or more, and how can I stop myself from fantisizing something better? Do I need to see a counselor? How can I possibly understand what he is going through if he wont open up to me? Please help! I am very desperate to save this relationship!!![/b]

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I don't think you can solve this problem - yes, you should talk to him about seeing a counselor and he should do it on his own and as a couple. I think you really need to think about how you feel about your relationship and what your life goals are. Do you want to be married, have kids and whether or not he is the man for you.


Obviously there are feelings there because you live together. If he won't discuss the situation with you and does not want to change anything then I think you need to take a step back and if he won't go to a counselor, it might be a good idea to get professional help to assist you in your decision about what you want.


You don't want to do anything rash that will make you have regrets in the end. Look at all the angles, talk to a counselor and then make your decision.


Good luck, be patient and try to get him to open up.

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the question is what does this butthead of a boyfriend want from you? What does he get from telling you this? Does he like you or does he not? That is the only question. Why does he tell you these things? Only to get mad at you for trying to solve the problem. It sounds like he is only messing with you. He can't tell the truth about something and is just trying to get you all worked up.

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yeah, BTW. Don't sound desperate. It's only you that makes the problem worse. Why do you put up with this crap. He probably only enjoys listening to you whine all the time. As we have heard before, it takes two to tango. And he is stepping all over your feet as you two are dancing. Don't dance to his music. Sounds like an elephant dying!

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Victims of sexual abuse often feel compelled to please and have difficulty asserting themselves. I think that he is "compensating", in that he is attempting to fit into the ideal conception of a healthy, sexually active heterosexual male- however, underneath this are still the memories and associations that this traumatic experience triggers (especially when "cued" by sexual activity). The most important thing to do is become a trusting and gentle partner. Create different atmospheres- perhaps in this way, you could find an intimate way to pleasure one another without triggering any memories of his experience. I don't think you need counseling though he may benefit from it- or the two of you together! Perhaps you could purchase some books on sexual abuse victims or videos on intimacy, breathing, touching, sensing exercises. In the meanwhile, patience is important and if you just can't stand it, purchase a vibrator! Best of luck

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  • 3 weeks later...

Forget it, you can't help him. He can only be helped when HE wants to get help! You don't need this! You should be able to express your love sexually if you choose, without debate. Find someone else who will appreciate you, not someone who won't help himself, much less you.

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