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Finding myself, self confidence, self esteem, and feeling complete


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I am a lost soul, I was in a relationship for nearly two years and it just ended not too long ago. I realize now that I wasn't ready to be in that kind of relationship or mayby any other kind of relationship. During the relationship, I wanted to leave but could not because I didn't want to be alone. After it ended, I am both relieved and lost. I keep thinking about all the secrets that might've been kept and intentions and other things that come with it.



I was somewhat aware of my insecurities and self defeating ways about a year and a half ago, but I am now fully aware of things and actually have motivation to change myself for the better now. I am unhappy with myself and always unsure about things in my life, I also feel empty at times and usually find people or things to cling onto. On my journey to work on my ways and to find happiness, I don't know where to start.



I am a new member here in these forums, but I already know that there are people on here that have been where I'm at, and have found ways to help themselves find themselves, their self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-assurance, inner-strength, the ability to feel complete, and whatever else it takes to feel happy and more self-sufficient. Notice that I am looking for a way to work on myself and improve.



I am asking for advice on what I can do to help myself with the above mentioned problems. Please let me know what's worked for you and how.


Please list books, techniques, affirmations, ways of journaling, types of therapy or counseling sessions, and anything else that may help.


Thanks for any help.

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Try reading "what we may be" by Pierro ferrucci, Its an amazing book about psychosynthesis. You can get a secondhand copy on Amazon.


Meditation helps me a lot, journal writing, free writing, but most of all meditation gives you a sense of calm and centre that all the councelling and medication in the world cant. Im on the same journey as you and my life has been one huge overhaul in the last 2 months,. im on a self improvement journey myself, and i know how hard it could be.




Once important concept that i keep in mind is that what ever you experience, painful/ uplifting etc

what ever phase in life you find yourself, stay aware of an inner person that observes these experiences and dont let yourself get taken over and dragged down by what is happening in your life. You are not defined by the experiences that you encounter, you have a stable inner self which you could see as a lighthouse in times when life feels stormy.

I know some of what im talking about may seem very abstract, if u wanna know more, pm me.


take care of you


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I am 25 will be 26 in less than a month. No longer in school, but thinking about going back. My interests, mmmm...., anything with computers/technology I am good at, and also programming for the web, I like to practice a lot to keep my skills brushed up. My talents are break dancing, but my truest talent and biggest asset in my eyes is the ability to write poetry and making words rhyme like almost no other can.

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Welcome, and congrats on your recent decision. I've been meaning to write all this down, so thanks for the opportunity.


Best ways I've used to turn myself away from high anxiety into someone more relaxed and confident are:

1) meditation, nothing heavy or ritualistic, and

2) trusting something I call 'background processing'--where you can actually sleep or focus on other things and trust that problem resolution will occur spontaneously. It requires nothing more than a decision and trust. It's not something you need to study for decades or light candles and incense to invoke.


Intelligence is a double-edged sword; if something upsetting would have you drilling into details and throwing yourself into loops, you can sense when you're ready to loosen and let it drop away. I let it run its course--nondestructively. For instance, if I ever start putting myself down, I drop the self talk; it's suddenly not my friend. But in general, I've learned to never squelch myself, allowing myself to 'spin' if I must--trusting that I've learned how to talk myself out of my little private hells, eventually.


Then there's meditation--simple but not easy, those are two different things. Over-thinkers try to 'understand' UNthinking, which is ridiculous and a barrier. Find whatever terms connect you to your 'being' who is not your body, then trust that that's where your mind goes when you relax it. You'll drink from that well and maybe you won't remember it. Later, your mind will tap that place on its own because you've trained it to go there--and it will deliver best guidance. It's tapping the highest part of you, and trusting this will help you let go of habits that keep you tense and seeking for 'right' outcomes. That's small stuff.


Best outcomes will find you, not the other way around, when you learn how to relax. They are internally guided rather than external--but that doesn't mean you need to consciously know everything to direct them. That IS the rub. You can be consciously aware of a bigger picture without need to hash out details. Your 'background processing' will always work in your favor--whether outcomes 'appear' to serve you at the moment, or not.


Lastly, self-talk should never have you believing you're some kind of freak. Your fears and insecurities are private yet universal. So if you have a bad day--recognize, sometimes we all have a bad day.


In your corner.

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Hi again,


Had to go off for a while. These guys are exactly on my wavelength. I'm not feeling so well suddenly so not sure how much I can contribute tonight but that's where I was going with it. Meditation, journaling, and specifically, from my recent experience is Reiki. I love what this has done for me recently. I always wanted to know more about the body's chakras etc. and recently had the opportunity to take a Reiki workshop for seven weeks. That's where I learned to journal, meditate, laying of hands sessions, crystal healing etc. I'm doing my Reiki I training now to do the healing for others and myself. With the crystals and meditation you can learn what "grounding" is (knowing who your are at an in-depth level and ...so much to say on that.) Just suggesting you look into it and not overwhelm yourself with it. Do your thing at your pace but this is the area I'm suggesting paying attention to. You can accomplish just what you're mentioning here:


"...ways to help themselves find themselves, their self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-assurance, inner-strength, the ability to feel complete, and whatever else it takes to feel happy and more self-sufficient. Notice that I am looking for a way to work on myself and improve."


Sounds like you may embrace journaling well with your interest in writing. In short, start with an issue that's bothering you and just write. It filters down to answers eventually/ quickly. Certain books I can suggest or just where in the book store to look and learn with someone in your area who can teach you.


One thing to mention on Reiki. It's, basically, an avenue for you to heal. It's aligning your chakras to make your body function properly. You don't need a certain spirituality forusing this. It's like the printing press and the book. You can write about anything you like. No one owns the medium. So is Reiki. Some are pagan, some are Christian, etc. Doesn't matter. It's universal energy that your body can't function without.


OK, I'm pretty tired now. Have to leave it there and see what you think about everyone's attempts to help. Hope we piqued your interest to some degree.


Good luck. You prompt well and it and it just roll in for you.

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Thanks everybody for all your posts on the subject. The break up was a life changing experience for me and I am so clear on what I need for myself. I am going to do a lot of the stuff that was mentioned. I will look into the book that was mentioned and journaling has not really been my thing but it was because I was not honest with myself in what I was writing.



It was really hard for me because I was in a relationship that I couldn't get myself to leave only because I didn't want to be alone. On my search to find myself, the ability to feel whole might be my first focus.



I'm going to also look into the self-relaxing techniques like meditation, the one that I haven't heard about until now


Thanks again for all your suggestions, keep them coming if you have some more.


PS - catfeeder, if you can pm me or post more about the "background processing", I'm very interested in learning how to do it.

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"Finding myself, self confidence, self esteem, and feeling complete "


First of all good job on trying to work on self-improvement, that is the first step.

In my opinion, all those things you listed above are a life long process, there is no destination it is a damn hard long journey. And enlightnment is'nt a sudden flash, it comes in bits and pieces and realisations, understandings and life truths. Happiness isn't a destination either it is a state of mind. But I think the core to it all is acceptance and letting go, first of all we have to accept our selves for all that we are, the good, the bad, the past and then we can change and improve on who we are. Let go of the old and outdated and be permeable to change. ALso forgiveness, forgive ourselves, forgive others, 'forgiveness is letting go of the hope for a better past' most of the time we learnt a valuable lesson but we berate ourselves anyway, life is for learning and making mistakes.

That we have an intrinsic worth, we have to find a worth that isnt dependant on others or external factors, then we can find inner peace. Love yourself unconditionally, like you are your own parent, child, lover and best friend.. Be kind to yourself and patient, we all make mistakes but we treat ourselves harshly most of the time expecting perfection. If you seek happiness from others it is like a bottomless bit that can never be filled and it is draining on loved ones too, if you can find an inner love and joy, then you can find inner peace! and like attracts like.

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