PLEASE talk to your partner.

[Lights]

I cannot tell you how much I urge anyone and everyone to talk to their partner about pregnancy if you are sexually active. Even if you are two years into a relationship, or just two months...I really stress this to you. Talking about your views and your standpoint on a pregnancy will make everything A LOT easier to deal with if you do find yourself pregnant. If you face an unplanned pregnancy, it's nice to have your options figured out beforehand, than have to deal with the stress of that on top of everything else.

 

I feel like if you are emotionally mature enough to have a sexual relationship, then you are mature enough to have that talk. It can be an eye opener. I have had friends who reconsider their relationships after hearing that their boyfriend doesn't want a kid and would not support them at all in keeping the baby if they got pregnant. Better to hear that, and find a man who would be better for you....than to end up pregnant and alone when he ditches you later on.

 

My boyfriend and I have had that talk more than once (as we get older, and have been together longer the talk changes sometimes)...and it's part of the reason our sex life is so enjoyable (no constant fear or getting pregnant) and why I love him so much. I have always been honest with him. I am not a person who doesn't believe in abortion, I am completely pro-choice... but I do not feel like I, MYSELF, could get an abortion. I feel like it would be something I'd regret for the rest of my life if I did. He knows that, and he never pushes it. He tells me that we would make it work, financially and emotionally, we would take responsibility for our child together. Knowing that just makes me feel better, because I know if everyone was angry and had something to say, he'd still be on my side.

 

 

Anyone else agree that this talk is very important?

[ErikT]

Absolutely.

 

My wife (when we were dating) and I had "the talk" several times so we knew we were on the same page. I remember at the time saying I wasn't thrilled with having more children (Her son was 3 yrs old when we started dating) but I wasn't against it either.

 

My wife's view is much like yours - Abortion is a choice, but would never be her choice. I believe it is a choice, but the wrong choice (but that is for a different thread!).

 

I have friends that got pregnant (single and married) who never knew what to expect from their partner when they found out they were pregnant. I always knew exactly how my wife would react (again, for another thread!)

 

So yes, if you are old enough to be having sex then you are old enough to discuss the consequences with your partner. Birth control doesn't always work, so don't just say, "Well she's on the pill so we don't have to talk about it."

[Sparkly Eyes]

I never had the talk officially, but enough to know what his views are on it. But I am absolutely agree with you. You should have the talk if you are having sex and know how much your partner is there for you.

[Lights]

I also wanted to add something...because today it seems like the pregnancy threads are all about male responsibility.

 

If you HAVE this talk with your boyfriend, and he stresses to you that he wouldn't want to be around if you got pregnant and kept the baby, then don't have sex with him unless you feel you can raise a child on your own. Because knowing that fact, if you still have sex with him and end up on your own, I really feel you have no one to blame but yourself.

 

If you have this talk with your boyfriend and he says he'll be there, and then the time comes and he ISN'T, then yes, he is in the wrong. By discussing it, and telling him you WOULD have the baby if you got pregnant and would like his support, he will know what he is getting into. If he still takes part in the baby-making after that, you can assume that he either WILL take responsibility or you can damn well try to make him, later on.

 

All follows up on what I said originally, that the talk can save a lot of time and hardship.

[ErikT]

I never had the talk officially, but enough to know what his views are on it. But I am absolutely agree with you. You should have the talk if you are having sex and know how much your partner is there for you.

 

 

You know, or you assume you know?

 

I don't know if the talk has to be a , "Honey we need to talk"-type of moment, but the questions need to be asked:

 

 

What would you do if you/I got pregnant?

How would you react?

Would we stay together?

Would you expect to get an abortion?

Would you support (expect me to support) getting an abortion?

What are your views on abortion? adoption?

 

I'm not saying what the correct answers are to these questions - everyone will have different views/expectations.

 

Erik

[ErikT]

I also wanted to add something...because today it seems like the pregnancy threads are all about male responsibility.

 

If you HAVE this talk with your boyfriend, and he stresses to you that he wouldn't want to be around if you got pregnant and kept the baby, then don't have sex with him unless you feel you can raise a child on your own. Because knowing that fact, if you still have sex with him and end up on your own, I really feel you have no one to blame but yourself.

 

But also, if he says he wouldn't want to be around, don't assume that if you got pregnant you will be able to change his mind!

[Lights]

I also add in a little talk about our families. Because I don't want the case to come up where he panics because of lack of family support. We have agreed that I would NOT get an abortion, and even if our families were furious (which I imagine wouldn't last too long), he would still stand by me.

[Sparkly Eyes]

You know, or you assume you know?

 

 

 

hmm, we kinda covered the things. He said it is my choice to abort the baby or keep it and that he will be there in both situations. But I got the vibe that he more likes me to abort. And he is not supporting adoptoin. And I know him enough that I know he would not leave me in that case.

 

the reason I said we didn't have the official talk because it seemed like a casual talk after sex. We both were not super serious in our answers.

[Notreadyet87]

Well funny story, me and my guy KNEW each others opinions on pregnancy. He told me that if I were to ever get pregnant, he would want to keep the baby, and he would provide for me and the baby emotionally, financially, etc. He said abortion was NOT an option for him. Neither was adoption UNLESS we REALLY could not take care of the baby. I said that I believed in abortion--but that I wasn't sure if I would ever really go through with it. So he assumed that I would NEVER have an abortion.

Well I got pregnant two years ago and when I found out I NEVER planned on keeping it, I called the abortion clinic right away to get the abortion done. I NEVER told him about the baby or the abortion because I knew he would want me to keep it. He found out about the abortion this year. And was extremely upset. He NEVER thought I would do it.

And still to this day he withdraws from me every now and then on that topic. I promised him that if I were to get pregnant again I would tell him and NOT abort. But after thinking about it, if I were to ever get pregnant again I don't think I would want to keep it.

My fears about pregnancy aren't that my bf won't take care of it, or support it. But rather that I don't WANT kids, and that I am dysfunctional, and that I should not ever have any lol. I also fear what others will think.

So in other words I probably shouldn't have sex with him, knowing what I do, but I love him...

I wish I would have taken this topic more into consideration when we first met. I never thought I would get pregnant tho.

[_Asti_]

We had the talk long before we had sex.

And it's neat to see how the 'talk' changes as the years go by, and as we grow and change as well.

[ErikT]

Here comes my bluntness again! Sorry, but I don't see the funny part of the story?

 

How could you have an abortion without telling the father? I give your boyfriend credit because there are a lot of things in life that I can forgive and forget, but if it were me, the moment I found out I walked out and you would have never seen or heard from me again.

 

If you don't want kids, get your tubes tied.

 

How is an abortion the woman choice? Should it not be the choice of both parents? Should the father not be allowed to legally demand, "Sorry, I understand that you want to have an abortion, but I want to keep the baby (or I want to put the baby up for adoption.)" How is it fair that the father has no say whatsoever?

 

I am not trying to turn this into an abortion thread by any means. Newsflash: With sex comes the risk of pregnancy. If you don't want kids, don't have unprotected sex. If you don't know your partners stance on pregnancy/abortion/adoption/raising kids, don't have sex. The consequences affect more than just you: the affect you, your partner, your child/ren, and family.

 

Erik

[Sparkly Eyes]

abortion is totally the woman's choice, unless both parents agree that they wanted a child and the pregnancy is a result of their tries.

 

sorry but you are not the one who has to carry the child 9 months and go through all that hard times and then be the mother with all the responsibilities comes along with it!

[ErikT]

abortion is totally the woman's choice, unless both parents agree that they wanted a child and the pregnancy is a result of their tries.

 

sorry but you are not the one who has to carry the child 9 months and go through all that hard times and then be the mother with all the responsibilities comes along with it!

 

And if the father wants to keep the child?

 

I don't think a father should be allowed to "demand" that a women HAS an abortion, but the father should be allowed to legally prevent the abortion.

[Sparkly Eyes]

And if the father wants to keep the child?

 

I don't think a father should be allowed to "demand" that a women HAS an abortion, but the father should be allowed to legally prevent the abortion.

 

offcourse not!!! I can't believe you are saying this. Legally the father should not have any right to demand anything from the woman regarding to pregnancy! if he really wants a child he can go find a woman who loves him and want to sacrifice of herself and her life and have a child with him, not making a girl who does not want it to do it!

 

The reason that a father should not even be able to ask for abortion is, abortion has emotional and physical risks for the woman and she should decide if she accepts them or not.

[ErikT]

offcourse not!!! I can't believe you are saying this. Legally the father should not have any right to demand anything from the woman regarding to pregnancy! if he really wants a child he can go find a woman who loves him and want to sacrifice of herself and her life and have a child with him, not making a girl who does not want it to do it!

 

The reason that a father should not even be able to ask for abortion is, abortion has emotional and physical risks for the woman and she should decide if she accepts them or not.

 

The father should NOT be able to force abortion. He SHOULD be able to stop an abortion if he wants to keep the child.

 

I understand that it is the womans body, but she is just as responsable for getting pregnant as he is (the whole it takes two to tango concept.) Why should she make the sole decision to terminate the child?

[Notreadyet87]

Well it wasn't a funny story... Obviously. And I never said that abortion was only the woman's choice, but in my case I MADE the decision without him. Was it wrong? Yes.

And I probably shouldn't have sex if I don't want kids, but that is why I use protection... To prevent it from happening. I'm only 21, so they would never TIE my tubes at this age. And my bf and I are going through a lot about this situation. He is still upset. But we've been together five years, and even through this, he still loves me. He's very upset though.

My bf did tell me that if I were to ever get pregnant and not want the baby, just give the baby to him and he'll take care of it.

However, i didn't want to go through the humilation, the sickness, and the transformations that go on during those 9 months. I didn't want the labor. I didn't want to anyone to know. And it's expensive...

So in other words, even if he wanted the baby, he was NOT the one having to carry it. So in the end since I did not want to carry. I did not.

Again, was it right? No.

But I did it. And while I regret having to even be in that position, there is nothing I can do about it now.

[ErikT]

I just posted a new thread

 

Hopefully this explains the reasons for my thinking a little be better...

[Hope75]

I want to add that I agree 100% that communication is vital and it's important to know that you are on the same page as your partner in terms of a pregnancy, but sometimes one or both parties may change their minds/opinions should the woman actually get pregnant.

 

I have a friend who's boyfriend agreed that he would be supportive if she got pregnant and help her with the child and then when they did get pregnant (out of carelessness rather than trying to conceive) he threatened to physically make her lose the baby by attacking her, and left her. She ended up giving her child up for adoption and it was a very difficult choice for her, especially as she thought she had his support 100%.

 

Make sure you know your partner well, if you can.

[Lights]

Thank you all for sharing your opinions and your stories.

 

Hope, it's true that people sometimes turn out to be completely different from the way they said they were, or from the person you thought you knew. I know adoption is a wonderful thing to do, because there is NEVER a lack of good homes for babies, but it would definitely be a VERY hard thing to do.

[Mythical_Suicide]

What about the guys who say "Oh yea if you get pregnant I will be there every step of the way " and then bolt once the child is born or when things get "too hard". Just because you have had the "talk" doesn't mean you know fully where your partner stands.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I want to add that I agree 100% that communication is vital and it's important to know that you are on the same page as your partner in terms of a pregnancy, but sometimes one or both parties may change their minds/opinions should the woman actually get pregnant.

 

I have a friend who's boyfriend agreed that he would be supportive if she got pregnant and help her with the child and then when they did get pregnant (out of carelessness rather than trying to conceive) he threatened to physically make her lose the baby by attacking her, and left her. She ended up giving her child up for adoption and it was a very difficult choice for her, especially as she thought she had his support 100%.

 

Make sure you know your partner well, if you can.

 

 

I didn't see your post before I posted mine but I agree completely.. Sometimes they say they are ok with it because they just want the sex and are really thinking they have nothing to worry about (It won't ever happen to them type of thing..) or they are in it until as I said it gets "hard"

[Hope75]

Thank you all for sharing your opinions and your stories.

 

Hope, it's true that people sometimes turn out to be completely different from the way they said they were, or from the person you thought you knew. I know adoption is a wonderful thing to do, because there is NEVER a lack of good homes for babies, but it would definitely be a VERY hard thing to do.

 

This is true but the emotional scarring this left on my friend is unspeakable. She did an open adoption so she could see her son and it helps, but she is tortured every day that she can't be with him as a parent, even though she knew it was what was best for him and he is thriving.

 

It was and continues to be the most difficult choice she has ever made.

[redhearts]

Some females just say their on birth control, when they aren't to trap a man. So men have to take on as much of a responsibility as they can and use condoms.

[redhearts]

What about the guys who say "Oh yea if you get pregnant I will be there every step of the way " and then bolt once the child is born or when things get "too hard". Just because you have had the "talk" doesn't mean you know fully where your partner stands.

 

That is exactly true. I agree. Because men can just stick the baby with the mom and pay child support. They don't even have to be involved in the childs life sometimes, just pay the support. So then leaving the woman stuck with a baby & he said he be there. If a woman doesn't want a child and gets pregnant, she shouldn't keep it because her bf wants her to. That will not go good.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I'm only 21, so they would never TIE my tubes at this age.

 

Yes, exactly. It is very hard to find a doctor who will respect a woman's choice on this thing.