Fiancee makes no effort at office party

[OddGirl]

I've been with my guy for 6 years, engaged for the last 3. I'm the one putting off the wedding, because I just have a sense of dread about marrying him.

 

I feel terrible for keeping him on the line like this. I know I should either marry him, or just end it and cut the pain. But I just can't decide. I can't work out if my expectations are reasonable, or ridiculous. He's a good partner, he does all the right things. He takes excellent care of me, he really does. But he drives me crazy in ways I just can't put my finger on.

 

I kind of don't *like* him very much at the moment.

 

Today he agreed to accompany me to my office Christmas party. I was thrilled, because normally he declines such occasions. We're both shy and socially awkward, and I was really looking forward to having him at my side, to meet my workmates finally, and to have him help me face the treacherous career terrain of the party.

 

But he was such a drag. I would have had a much less difficult time if he wasn't there. And it's not the first time. He was pleasant to people, but completely passive. He politely answered ice-breaker questions, but made little effort to reciprocate or engage with the people who were trying to engage him. He was repeatedly caught off-guard, not realising he should shake hands with other men when introduced. He tried to get me to come for a walk, but I felt I should stay and mingle, as that was the whole point of being there. He had a brief dizzy spell (commonly preceeds visits to my family, or boring shopping errands). He declined my invitation for him to pull up a pew and join in chatting with my colleagues. Instead, he went for a walk by himself, and was gone for over an hour (when I phoned him). We'd agreed to only stay at the party for 2 hours, it wasn't a big ask!

 

My boss asked out of curiosity where he was. I made some excuse. I was embarrassed. I felt abandoned.

 

I have utter and complete sympathy for social anxiety. But I'm losing tolerance with him. He's 40, not 14. I feel like I'm dragging around a surly teenager, not walking beside a grown man.

 

I'm socially anxious too. I always go with him to places where he's nervous to go by himself. And I'm cheerful, and engaging and talkative, to the best of my abilities. I'd rather be getting a root canal, and I'm as socially adept as a Rhino. But I *try*. As far as I can tell, he doesn't try at all, if it's for my sake. (He's very adept at making friends in his own workplace, and many of his work-friends are now my friends too. He's never made any effort whatsoever with work friends that I've met).

 

When we got home today I tried to speak about my disappointment. But he got sulky. He felt he just can't do anything right. He's not talking to me (but denying that he's not talking to me). Often I feel like he's just being a total wowser, a drip. I want a man who has a smile and will firmly shake my boss's hand. I expect my future husband to be presentable and have a *basic* level of social grace - and I expect him to put on a cheerful face for duties like accompanying me to work and family gatherings. I don't expect him to be the life of the party.

 

I feel he let me down today. It's not an isolated event. When we go out socially, there's a 30% chance he'll be great, a 70% chance he'll be a total wowser. Am I being too harsh, expecting him to have more social grace?

 

Many thanks for any thoughts you have!

[DN]

I have utter and complete sympathy for social anxiety. But I'm losing tolerance with him.

The second sentence seems to negate the first.

 

Has it occurred to you what a great step it was for him to actually accompany you to the party at all?

 

It seems to me that both of you could use some help for the anxiety you have rather than attaching blame for it to the other.

 

But perhaps you need to find someone closer to what you want in a man and he would then be free to find someone with more sympathy who might be able to help him rather than blame him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Everyone has their faults...not everyone is socially adept....but is that the REAL reason why you have been engaged for 3 out of the 6 years you have known him and have not wanted to walk down the aisle with him. Remember that he has a side of the story as well...I am sure he is not too comfortable with the notion that you have had a 3 year engagement and yet you keep balking at marriage. What are the REAL issues going on here...it goes deeper than a few work parties and having a partner to shake hands and make small talk with the boss and colleagues.

[george237]

The fact that you have been unsure of getting married for so many years is a huge red flag. I think you should decide soon if you are in it for the long haul or if your gonna leave. To answer your question are you being harsh, maybe a little but I would not be happy either. It would be a complete embarrassment if my date left for an hour.

[OddGirl]

Everyone has their faults...not everyone is socially adept....but is that the REAL reason why you have been engaged for 3 out of the 6 years you have known him and have not wanted to walk down the aisle with him. Remember that he has a side of the story as well...I am sure he is not too comfortable with the notion that you have had a 3 year engagement and yet you keep balking at marriage. What are the REAL issues going on here...it goes deeper than a few work parties and having a partner to shake hands and make small talk with the boss and colleagues.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. You're right, I think it makes him sad. And yes, it's much more than just an office party etc. I wish I could put my finger on the real issues. I guess it's something like: he doesn't make an effort. He's sad about not being married, but not so sad that he wants to find out what's bothering me. If the bother is small or medium or large, I can't discuss it with him. I just have to live with it. The office party I guess is just one example of a medium issue for me, and the *big* issue is that I can't ever talk about these things with him. It feels like it's always a case of "like it, or lump it, because I'm not talking about it".

[OddGirl]

The fact that you have been unsure of getting married for so many years is a huge red flag. I think you should decide soon if you are in it for the long haul or if your gonna leave. To answer your question are you being harsh, maybe a little but I would not be happy either. It would be a complete embarrassment if my date left for an hour.

 

Thanks George, I take your point, I think about this a lot (that I must make a decision, for his sake). I guess these small issues are now taking on huge proportions, because I realise it's such a life-changing decision, to end things. Thanks for the sanity check on the office party. It's great to get your perspective.

[DN]

Talking about issues is just talk unless something is changed if change is possible - and sometimes it isn't. So if you start to talk to him about, say, wanting him to be more socially aware and affable at office parties, and he knows he has already done as much as he can, then he will also know that talking about it won't change anything. He will be made to feel inferior and you will be left even more frustrated because you will think talking will solve the problem.

 

You need to find a better way of solving issues than you talking at him.

[alli]

It sounds like he is a naturally introverted person, and you interpret his uncomfortableness in social situations as "not trying". He did try; he went with you. If you can't stand his personality why have you stayed with him so long?

[OddGirl]

The second sentence seems to negate the first.

 

Has it occurred to you what a great step it was for him to actually accompany you to the party at all?

 

It seems to me that both of you could use some help for the anxiety you have rather than attaching blame for it to the other.

 

But perhaps you need to find someone closer to what you want in a man and he would then be free to find someone with more sympathy who might be able to help him rather than blame him.

 

Yes, you're absolutely right, I am really thrilled that he's made this step to come with me at all. I don't want to diminish that.

But I guess part of me feels that he's not making nearly the same effort in the relationship as I am.

[volpe]

I agree with DN. Your statements are unfair to him. It's like you want to change him up entirely. If you've been with him this long, then likely you've known this about his personality all along right?

 

If you want to be with him, you just have to accept that about him. You can't make him be a different person. If you can't accept that, then you should just call it quits and set the guy free.

[george237]

Yes, you're absolutely right, I am really thrilled that he's made this step to come with me at all. I don't want to diminish that.

But I guess part of me feels that he's not making nearly the same effort in the relationship as I am.

 

Well then his social anxiety isn't the real problem. If your unhappy and it can't be fixed go, it's better to be alone and happy then married and miserable IMO

[luvs2kayak]

You're trying to put all "efforts" on the same playing field, and that's not fair. Your "effort" at a party may seem like a lot, but maybe his "effort" is equal or exceeds because he's more terrified than you are in those situations. It's like saying that a person with short legs makes the same effort at someone with long legs when they walk a block. The fact is, the short legged person makes twice the effort to travel the same distance.

 

I can understand his frustration with you. He made a huge effort to go to your party, and still, it's not good enough for you and you don't hesitate to tell him so...

 

He doesn't sound like the person for you. Why not be honest with yourself and him, and end it?

[OddGirl]

Talking about issues is just talk unless something is changed if change is possible - and sometimes it isn't. So if you start to talk to him about, say, wanting him to be more socially aware and affable at office parties, and he knows he has already done as much as he can, then he will also know that talking about it won't change anything. He will be made to feel inferior and you will be left even more frustrated because you will think talking will solve the problem.

 

You need to find a better way of solving issues than you talking at him.

 

Hi DN, I think you're on to something. Talking is definitely not working - and I guess it's up to me to decide if this sort of thing (just one example of many bug-bears) is big enough to end a relationship over. I think you're right. He probably feels he can't change anything.

 

But in my heart of hearts, I feel he *is* capable of behaving better on these occasions, and that he's grown comfortable with a pattern where I complain, but I'm not serious about it (or else I'd leave, right?!).

 

And so I'm reticent to give up on it. I really really would much rather stay with him. Should I accept him at face value when he says that this is the best he can do? For me that would mean the end of the relationship - a very heavy price for both of us

[DN]

Well, there are alternatives to making, or trying to make, him change other than just ending the relationship.

[george237]

Hi DN, I think you're on to something. Talking is definitely not working - and I guess it's up to me to decide if this sort of thing (just one example of many bug-bears) is big enough to end a relationship over. I think you're right. He probably feels he can't change anything.

 

But in my heart of hearts, I feel he *is* capable of behaving better on these occasions, and that he's grown comfortable with a pattern where I complain, but I'm not serious about it (or else I'd leave, right?!).

 

And so I'm reticent to give up on it. I really really would much rather stay with him. Should I accept him at face value when he says that this is the best he can do? For me that would mean the end of the relationship - a very heavy price for both of us

 

I think you were ok with these issues a few years ago because you were in love with him. I think now you have just fell out of love. You still love him as a person but not as a partner. I don't see a way that you could have delt with this for so long if it was a major issue for you. You probably thought his shyness was cute when you first started dating.

[OddGirl]

Well, there are alternatives to making, or trying to make, him change other than just ending the relationship.

 

I'm interested in your thoughts on the alternatives. I guess many people have made the point of accepting his faults.

 

If I feel his behavior is rude (and on this occasion, I grant that it's controversial whether his behavior was or acceptable not), should I still accept that has part of him, and cheerfully live with it?

[High5girl]

Personally, I think you should let him go. It's time to either poop or get off the pot. You haven't given this man much hope for a future with you. You are wasting his time and yours.

 

Not once have you said "I love him" or "I want to be with him"

Instead it's about how unhappy you are with him, how you can't decide whether or not you want to marry him and how good he is to you.

It sounds like you are settling when you stay with him only to delay the marriage. Either that, don't want to be alone. Deep down, it really sounds like you do not want to marry him.

 

As for the party?

I can see why you were disappointed. As you know, it took alot for him to come to it to begin with. Some ppl are able to socialize easier than others. If he's like this around your family visits and boring errands...then I would expect him to be like this at an office party.

Other than you, he didn't know anyone there. This was his first time meeting a bunch of ppl. The first meeting wasn't a short one. Not one of those types where you run into someone from work in public, chat for a few mins and then say goodbye. He also probably felt very much out of place.

I do feel that he should have atleast shook hands with the other men there or your boss.

 

If this relationship/marriage is going to work, the communication needs to be better on both sides. In my opinion, he doesn't seem to be the one for you.

[OddGirl]

I think you were ok with these issues a few years ago because you were in love with him. I think now you have just fell out of love.

 

When we were 'courting', he *was* socially affable. He came to meet my work mates, and he was sparkling company.

 

Once we were going out though, he never again made anything close to that amount of effort. I always put that down to him just making a supreme, out-of-character effort at the start - and I'm flattered.

 

I guess this (and other things) *have* bothered me over the years. But it's hard to weigh that up against everything else. He's clever and witty and great fun when we're alone. He's very steady and moral and honorable and affectionate. I adore him, but I also just can't stand him too.

 

I guess you're right... the love can fade. But I'm not sure I just *fell* out of love. I've just become increasingly frustrated that I feel my feelings are all wrong, and should not be talked about.

[catfeeder]

Just shooting from the gut on this, then I'll read your other responses to see if others picked up the same thing.

 

You're tired of being someone else's grown up, and nobody deserves to be saddled with that role.

 

Don't you want to be fully in love with someone you can you respect and adore?

 

I realize breakups are the pits no matter which side of them you're on, but I've gone through enough of this myself to know when it's time to stop the feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you you're working too hard and compensating too much--and it's not going to get any better.

 

The future is yours--I hope you'll embrace it. Right away.

 

In your corner.

[redhearts]

You want him to be someone he's not. You don't want to marry him you have the biggest doubts a person can have 3 years and you haven't set a wedding date? Stop kidding yourself you don't want to marry him. Your trying to find excuses to get out of the relationship or to have him break up with you.

[OddGirl]

Just shooting from the gut on this, then I'll read your other responses to see if others picked up the same thing.

 

You're tired of being someone else's grown up, and nobody deserves to be saddled with that role.

 

Don't you want to be fully in love with someone you can you respect and adore?

 

I realize breakups are the pits no matter which side of them you're on, but I've gone through enough of this myself to know when it's time to stop the feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you you're working too hard and compensating too much--and it's not going to get any better.

 

The future is yours--I hope you'll embrace it. Right away.

 

In your corner.

 

Hi catfeeder,

 

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I guess I do feel exactly like that sometimes, you've really captured how I'm feeling, but couldn't say.

 

I *do* want to marry someone I adore and respect, and I guess recently I've realised that I often don't have those feelings for him.

 

It's just I know I have a million faults too, and he does have an awful lot to recommend him. I don't want to loose sight of all the good things, because I'm frustrated about the latest bad thing that happened.

 

But when it comes down to it, I feel disappointed and frustrated, much more often than I feel content and in love. I guess I'm just finding it hard to make that final decision. But I totally agree with you, there's probably a really good time to listen to the feeling.

[DN]

Try and project to about a month after you have broken up with him and predict how you will feel about that decision. And how you would feel in five years if you have found that there is in fact no one you meet who is better than him.

 

i am not suggesting you settle - but it isn't unusual for people to regret giving someone up for what seems important now and exceedingly trivial in retrospect compared to the good qualities their partner had.

[OddGirl]

 

If this relationship/marriage is going to work, the communication needs to be better on both sides. In my opinion, he doesn't seem to be the one for you.

 

Hi, I wondered what your thoughts are on what I can do on my side to make the communication better?

[DN]

Communication is usually better if you make issues about you rather than about him. Remember that people may be fairly content as they are and so if you want them to change you are asking a favour for your benefit - not making a demand that they change for their betterment.

[OddGirl]

Try and project to about a month after you have broken up with him and predict how you will feel about that decision. And how you would feel in five years if you have found that there is in fact no one you meet who is better than him.

 

i am not suggesting you settle - but it isn't unusual for people to regret giving someone up for what seems important now and exceedingly trivial in retrospect compared to the good qualities their partner had.

 

Hi again DN, thanks

 

I've been spending the last 3 years trying to do that, and really don't want to end the relationship because I feel I will regret it. And sometimes things just look trivial in retrospect, as you say. But it just seems to be a fact that I get upset about these things constantly, trivial or not.

 

You make a really good point, and I will think a lot on it...