Update: How can I help him recover from what happened when he was there?

[pelican_babe2005]

I hope not to get flame this time. Please do not waste your time telling me what I did was wrong that he doesn't deserve me, etc. when I already know that.

 

It has been 8 days since we are working on this. My boyfriend's now ex friend and I got intoxicated at the party in my house, fond each other and it followed by him going down on me (no sex occur).

 

The worst part is I did not reacted right over instead it got to the point where I was screaming at my boyfriend telling him to get out along with slang language and more nonsense.

 

He is telling me to help him recover from that. He keeps on asking me how can he get rid of that and I don't have the answer to it. That whole scene is haunting him till the point he does not want to come to my house anymore.

 

So if he ask me again how to get rid of that scene, how should I answer that? And how can I make him feel better, if he dislikes my house.

[Anonymous122]

You should apologize and admit that you did an absolutely ridiculous thing.

 

If you tell him that you're sorry, break off contact with that guy, and ensure that you don't get drunk enough to make a bad decision ever again, it should be alright.

[pelican_babe2005]

You should apologize and admit that you did an absolutely ridiculous thing.

 

If you tell him that you're sorry, break off contact with that guy, and ensure that you don't get drunk enough to make a bad decision ever again, it should be alright.

 

I already done that but now it's that scene that hunts him, he can't get it out of his mind (this is the first time this happened to him so he's shocked). We haven't talk to the ex friend ever since. And not planning to drink again as I realize it also makes me act aggressive.

 

I guess I should rearrange some things in my house? Maybe he would fell better.

[jengh]

Just keep apologizing. He's understandably very hurt. Maybe he just needs some space to try to move past this?

 

I'm a bit unclear about something--he was THERE when it happened?

[loulee]

Why dont you meet your boyfriend more frequently outside of your home for the time being..trust me for your boyfriend to witness something like that, the visual memory alone would torment anyone...I hope it wasnt in your bedroom...perhaps wherever it was you could make some changes and give the room a fresh look... if it was a lounge get rid of it..let your boyfriend decide in his own time when he feels more comfortable to be in the same zone that you betrayed him in...this could take a long time..your a lucky girl that he even wants to try and forgive you...you need to show your patience with him and your remorse..your constant understanding and reassurance will be needed often..your actions will speak more louder than your words..so act wisely....I would expect that you have terminated any further contact now and in the future with the guy you messed about with...Dont drink anymore...you cant trust yourself to drink and behave well... so simply stop...learn from this...Im sure you have already......while drinking makes us all a little uninhibited and carefree actions like these are highly undesirable....let your partner set the pace for a while and follow his lead... and expect him to lash out with anger at you sometimes while he is struggling to come to terms with it all and really forgive you in his heart...time is needed here......good luck with it all

[NewPhillyGuy]

You may need to face the reality that he might never get over it. Were it me, I would not be able to. I would dump you and never look back, because it would just hurt too much and I wouldn't be able to trust that you wouldn't cheat again.

 

If I were you, I'd focus on why you drink so much and allow yourself to cheat.

[abouttime]

This is not a flame. It is direct however.

 

I'm sorry but you are in complete denial. First off lets define sex. Sex is when any part of him (finger, tongue, penis) enters your vagina. Forget Bill Clinton's definition. The only people that don't consider oral as sex are those who cheat and are caught. Your boyfriend knows this. So I sincerely hope that you didn't actually tell him it wasn't sex. Now that we have that cleared. Up.

 

 

You think if you rearrange the furniture in your place. That it will make him want to come over? Let me clue you in on something about guys. When it comes to sex we have incredible imaginations. From this day forward as long as he is with you or sees his friend. He will imagine his friends tongue inside you. End of story. The only thing left to him is to seek individual counseling so that he can learn to deal with it. I also suggest that you have couples counseling so he can express just how badly you hurt him. Especially since to add insult to injury you screamed at him when he did nothing wrong. Was he crying when you burned him down? I would have been.

 

 

I have read your posts and one thing is apparent. You are very dismissive of the event. At least you do not convey much sorrow or contrition on this board. Its like you want to sweep his pain away. Remember alcohol did not make you do this. It only reduced your inhibitions enough to allow you to do what you wanted to do in the first place.

 

ITS NOT ABOUT YOUR HOUSE.

 

The only way you and him will get through this is hard work through counseling and communicating.

 

Only you and he know if you are up to it. But please, please, please any time you discuss this incident with him and consider saying it wasn't sex. You will be setting his/yours healing back to the beginning. You need to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and you found out his tongue had been up your best friends vagina how that would make you feel. Your biggest battle will be trying to understand and feel what he is going through. Here is the key. YOU NEED TO BE OBSERVANT OF WHAT HIS FACE AND HIS DEMEANOR IS LIKE. He is going to have times when he is deeply depressed over this. He may not even tell you for fear of you flaming him or telling him to get over it. Which would only invalidate his feelings and cause him more pain (The way you post and how you acted with him makes one think that you are an impatient, impulsive and somewhat reactive person. You will have to fight those feelings). When you see him like that, you can KNOW THAT HE IS THINKING ABOUT IT. UNDERSTAND? At those times you need to go up to him and hug him and look him in the eyes and tell him how much you love him. And then be ready for tears or anger or what ever else he wants to express to you. HE HAS TO BE ALLOWED TO EXPRESS THOSE FEELINGS WITHOUT FEAR THAT YOU WILL TRIVIALIZE THEM. I hope your up to this. This could take months for him to feel safe with you again. Oh and one other thing. Don't let him catch you checking out guys when he is around. That will also set him/your relationship back.

 

So save the money and time on redesigning your home. He needs to see you redesign yourself if you are to reconcile. HE WILL NEVER FORGET BUT HE CAN LOVE YOU JUST AS DEEPLY AND POSSIBLY MORE DEEPLY THEN YOU CAN IMAGINE IF YOU DO THE WORK.

[pelican_babe2005]

I'm a bit unclear about something--he was THERE when it happened?

 

Yes he was there.

 

Why dont you meet your boyfriend more frequently outside of your home for the time being..trust me for your boyfriend to witness something like that, the visual memory alone would torment anyone...I hope it wasnt in your bedroom...

 

No it was rather in the bathroom so that makes it even worst.

[abouttime]

So then he actually caught you in the act?

[pelican_babe2005]

I'm sorry but you are in complete denial. First off lets define sex. Sex is when any part of him (finger, tongue, penis) enters your vagina. Forget Bill Clinton's definition. The only people that don't consider oral as sex are those who cheat and are caught. Your boyfriend knows this. So I sincerely hope that you didn't actually tell him it wasn't sex. Now that we have that cleared.

 

It doesn't matter what type of cheating it was, I still cheated, that I know so why bother telling him that. All it would have done is futher hurt him.

 

The only thing left to him is to seek individual counseling so that he can learn to deal with it. I also suggest that you have couples counseling so he can express just how badly you hurt him. Especially since to add insult to injury you screamed at him when he did nothing wrong. Was he crying when you burned him down? I would have been.

 

Like I mentioned before in my previous posts I don't like talking to complete strangers about my problems much less writing about it, I was taught at home that when you have a issue with someone or something, solve it, don't involve extra stuff nor anyone unkown into it. But here I'm am writing which is unsual for me. I don't recall if he was crying or not as I was already yelling at him but I assume he was so shock. When I finally came to my senses hours late then I realized what I done. I couldn't believe that not only did I cheated on him but also lash out when he did nothing.

 

I have read your posts and one thing is apparent. You are very dismissive of the event. At least you do not convey much sorrow or contrition on this board. Its like you want to sweep his pain away.

 

It must be the way I write. I am not into writing long posts and rather keep in to the point. I'm a more direct person than those drama queen girls, the last time I ever cry out was many years ago when I was 11 years old and then never again. Don't you think if I wasn't showing much sorrow like you stated then why would I even write here. Maybe I'm not good at writing down emotions, many times I'm better when saying it in person. It's not wise to assume that just because I write very short I'm not ashamed about this. I'm super angry and ashame at myself. I never cheated on anyone in my life, in fact I never thought I would but here I am dealing with what I done.

 

Only you and he know if you are up to it. But please, please, please any time you discuss this incident with him and consider saying it wasn't sex. You will be setting his/yours healing back to the beginning.

 

No I won't be telling him that as there's no point into it.

 

You need to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and you found out his tongue had been up your best friends vagina how that would make you feel.

 

I would be as shock as he was, probably already be getting into a physical fight with the best friend. It was surprising he did not beat him up and rather walk away and waited for me to cool down and come to my senses.

 

Your biggest battle will be trying to understand and feel what he is going through. Here is the key. YOU NEED TO BE OBSERVANT OF WHAT HIS FACE AND HIS DEMEANOR IS LIKE. He is going to have times when he is deeply depressed over this. He may not even tell you for fear of you flaming him or telling him to get over it.

 

It's true that I can be somewhat impatient when it comes to being lectured like I was a small child or girls coming to me and crying about their problems while in my mind I'm thinking ''Well does it looks like I care, cry somewhere else or don't even cry at all''. I'm a strong believer that crying solves nothing, thus why I refrain from. However I did felt like crying over what I did to him but focus on working this out with him. In this case I'm very patient and won't lash out at him again, not less telling him to get over it.

 

So save the money and time on redesigning your home. He needs to see you redesign yourself if you are to reconcile. HE WILL NEVER FORGET BUT HE CAN LOVE YOU JUST AS DEEPLY AND POSSIBLY MORE DEEPLY THEN YOU CAN IMAGINE IF YOU DO THE WORK.

 

Yes I will start doing that. Like I already mentioned I don't care how long it takes me to rebuilt this with him, I got all the patience.

[pelican_babe2005]

So then he actually caught you in the act?

 

Well in short terms yes.

[abouttime]

Ouch! But thank you for your candor in responding to my post. Sorry if it sounded preachy. But I like to be direct. If you're asked for your opinion in a forum like this. I give it. If I may, you sound young. A lot of today's young people grew up in the tech world. They are interested in how fast they can get their needs met. And don't want to take the time to really communicate. I have 2 kids 27 and 23. This is a problem with both of them. They don't want to take the time to understand an issue before they blow you off or make a decision with out all the information, or understanding potential consequences of that decision. By your own admission you do not seem to be the most compassionate or patient person (at least that's what I gather from your posts) out there. You seem to have a problem identifying with people in pain. You posted this.

 

"girls coming to me and crying about their problems while in my mind I'm thinking ''Well does it looks like I care, cry somewhere else or don't even cry at all''. I'm a strong believer that crying solves nothing, thus why I refrain from. However I did felt like crying over what I did to him but focus on working this out with him. In this case I'm very patient and won't lash out at him again, not less telling him to get over it."

 

''Well does it looks like I care" and "why cry at all?" Because a lot of people need to go through a grieving process. You said you felt like crying. Did you? Do you think your boyfriend is going through a grieving process trying to reconcile his feelings to your actions.

 

By what you're writing about your boyfriend not beating up the best friend, and then walking away until you cooled down, says a lot about the quality of the person he is.

 

You did not mention whether you are willing to go to counseling or if you would encourage your boyfriend to. You don't seem to much of the encouragement type.

[abouttime]

Ouch! But thank you for your candor in responding to my post. Sorry if it sounded preachy. But I like to be direct. If you're asked for your opinion in a forum like this. I give it. If I may, you sound young. A lot of today's young people grew up in the tech world. They are interested in how fast they can get their needs met. And don't want to take the time to really communicate. I have 2 kids 27 and 23. This is a problem with both of them. They don't want to take the time to understand an issue before they blow you off or make a decision with out all the information, or understanding potential consequences of that decision. By your own admission you do not seem to be the most compassionate or patient person (at least that's what I gather from your posts) out there. You seem to have a problem identifying with people in pain. You posted this.

 

"girls coming to me and crying about their problems while in my mind I'm thinking ''Well does it looks like I care, cry somewhere else or don't even cry at all''. I'm a strong believer that crying solves nothing, thus why I refrain from. However I did felt like crying over what I did to him but focus on working this out with him. In this case I'm very patient and won't lash out at him again, not less telling him to get over it."

 

''Well does it looks like I care" and "why cry at all?" Because a lot of people need to go through a grieving process. You said you felt like crying. Did you? Do you think your boyfriend is going through a grieving process trying to reconcile his feelings to your actions.

 

By what you're writing about your boyfriend not beating up the best friend, and then walking away until you cooled down, says a lot about the quality of the person he is.

 

You did not mention whether you are willing to go to counseling or if you would encourage your boyfriend to. You don't seem to much of the encouragement type.

[Botched]

The question is about helping him lose the image. You can't. It is up to him.

 

Direct question...no need to answer me, but think about it. Have the two of you had sex since?

 

If he intends to stay in the relationship I image he will either need to retake you or be taken by you. The old sexual healing....may sound simple, cause it is. It may not work, but I'd call it your best bet.

[abouttime]

Wow! Botched, cool prescription. I'm sure her boyfriend will jump at the chance. Lets have hysterical bonding sex. I don't know if he'll ever look at her the same again.

[Botched]

Wow! Botched, cool prescription. I'm sure her boyfriend will jump at the chance. Lets have hysterical bonding sex. I don't know if he'll ever look at her the same again.

 

True..but then whats the cost of trying? If it will ever work it will have to be now.

[abouttime]

I hope I wasn't to direct.

[pelican_babe2005]

You said you felt like crying. Did you? Do you think your boyfriend is going through a grieving process trying to reconcile his feelings to your actions.

 

No I did not cry out, I bottled it all up. Like I previously stated crying solves nothing, instead it worstens things. He has been angry about what happened lately but did told me at some point that I scare him when I was screaming at him like that. He went on saying how he thought I would actually hit him any minute. It is true I can be somewhat aggressive if I drink too much. I had once gotten into a physical fight with a friend and another time almost crash a car.

 

You did not mention whether you are willing to go to counseling or if you would encourage your boyfriend to. You don't seem to much of the encouragement type.

 

No I will not as I believe we could solve this just the two of us, do find myself rather uncomfortable talking to complete strangers. However if he were to tell me that he's going to counseling I will let him.

[pelican_babe2005]

The question is about helping him lose the image. You can't. It is up to him.

 

That's a sad thing because if I had magic powers then I would mindwipe him on that. But with time and me constantly reminding him how much I care about him then it will work out, I hope so.

 

Direct question...no need to answer me, but think about it. Have the two of you had sex since?

 

If he intends to stay in the relationship I image he will either need to retake you or be taken by you. The old sexual healing....may sound simple, cause it is. It may not work, but I'd call it your best bet.

 

As far as I know at this current stage, he can't deal with oral sex. He won't go down on me like he used to.

[abouttime]

So then based on your description of yourself. You are impatient, angry, a mean drunk, you are cynical, callous, unemotional in any positive sense, controlling (I will let him go to counseling), unfaithful. but with all your insight and compassion you don't feel that counseling will help. Interesting. If I can ask you one more question. Is this the type of person you think your boyfriend deserves? Maybe you do. I guess that would make you selfish too. If I have in anyway missed the point here please tell me how you differ from this description.

[Botched]

So then based on your description of yourself. You are impatient, angry, a mean drunk, you are cynical, callous, unemotional in any positive sense, controlling (I will let him go to counseling), unfaithful. but with all your insight and compassion you don't feel that counseling will help. Interesting. If I can ask you one more question. Is this the type of person you think your boyfriend deserves? Maybe you do. I guess that would make you selfish too. If I have in anyway missed the point here please tell me how you differ from this description.

 

Don't you just hate it when people read and understand your posts? The nerve of some people...to just "get" what your saying when you don't realize just how horrible it sounds before they point it out.

[pelican_babe2005]

So then based on your description of yourself. You are impatient, angry, a mean drunk, you are cynical, callous, unemotional in any positive sense, controlling (I will let him go to counseling), unfaithful.

 

No don't get confuse by my short direct writing style (hard to put much into it when writing), what I did was horrible and right now I wish I was on his knees crying out. Any man would have been gone long ago. I did stated I will not be drinking anymore as a result and yes I'm sorry about what I did to him, I completely humiliated him. If I was unemotional then I wouldn't even be worrying about working this out nor writing it here. On the not crying part, I was taught at home that if you cry out then you are a coward.

 

but with all your insight and compassion you don't feel that counseling will help. Interesting. If I can ask you one more question. Is this the type of person you think your boyfriend deserves? Maybe you do. I guess that would make you selfish too. If I have in anyway missed the point here please tell me how you differ from this description.

 

You really don't get it do you? You just want to completely agree with you and be like Yes I will go. For your information my parents work that out on their own (yes my mother was unfaithful once and I was the product of another man as a result, now that's far even worst), there was no need to talk to strangers about it and they're ok now. I tend not to talk that much with some people, even worst with complete strangers. I'm applying what I was taught at home, solve the problem with the person, stuff, not add extras.

 

You don't know me so to start with your flaming and wild attacks it's pointless. Easy for you to label me when you don't know how I'm feeling right now. I'm completely mad and disgusted at myself and yes I have apologized to him many times. Some people cry when they do something wrong while others get mad with themselves but the feeling of shameness is still the same.

 

Just because I'm not good verbally nor write long emotional post does not mean I don't feel terrible for what I did.

[pelican_babe2005]

Don't you just hate it when people read and understand your posts? The nerve of some people...to just "get" what your saying when you don't realize just how horrible it sounds before they point it out.

 

They basically want a tearful, long post. Well I'm not good at writing like that, everyone is different at it. That doesn't mean I won't have feelings, I do just.

[abouttime]

Did you think I was attacking you? It's not your short direct style of writing it is what you said. These were all things you said about yourself. I am in no way flaming. You said you were taught that if you cry you were a coward? How does that make you a coward? If you were a product of your moms affair. How did the rest of your family treat you. Especially her husband?

 

Have you thought about the future with your boyfriend? Maybe marriage, children. If you do marry and have children at what age do you think that they should stop crying so they won't be cowards? 3 or 4 years old. When they're toddlers and fall hurt themselves could that be construed as cowardice? I think its kind of brave. Getting up and taking your first steps. If they have a problem should they come to you and ask for help? Or would you say "what do I look like I care"

 

If believe that you will be different when you have a family loving, caring and supportive. When do you think you should start having those qualities? Do you think that they will just appear?

[abouttime]

"Just because I'm not good verbally nor write long emotional post does not mean I don't feel terrible for what I did."

 

I don't want you to feel terrible. Don't get angry, But I think you feel terrible regardless of what you did.