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All's Fair in Love and War, Your Crush's S.O.h Be Damned?


lady00

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Whoops: The title should say "S.O." not "S.O.h"

 

This is not a situation I am in right now, but it always was something I thought a lot about for some reason. Frankly it makes me upset. When someone is in a relationship and someone else who likes them (a friend, an acquaintance) decides to pursue them or simply to plant the seed and tell them they have feelings for them...it just rubs me the wrong way. I feel like it's disrespectful and unfair to the other person in the relationship. Whenever I find out a guy I like is taken, it's the end of the story for me. I don't even consider trying to move forward with it. I've had an experience with this: I pursued an ex who I think probably emotionally cheated on me and got together with another girl (they were together within days of our breakup and he spent a lot of time with her prior to our breakup "as friends") and I look back at my behavior and I just find it so vile and awful. It was just not right. And totally unfair to his gf.

 

I know some people think that it's not their responsibility to respect someone else's relationship and that all's fair and they should just pursue away but I just find the whole thing so wrong. I can't endorse that.

 

Thoughts? Other opinions?

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I pursued my boyfriend even though he was with another girl. He flirted back, and I never really asked (ignorance is bliss). They broke up after a while and he asked me out.

 

It really depends on the situation. It's not something I'd ever do again because, like you, thinking back the scenario makes me feel slightly uneasy.

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i'm with you, lady00!

 

the guy i dated most recently started grad school and a woman in his program came on STRONG... she quickly became his best friend, they did everything together, and she inserted herself into his life in every way, knowing full well he had a gf. we broke up and within days, she threw herself at him, assuming since he had emotionally cheated with her and that she had sewn the seeds that he would bite. he says he didn't, but it's hard for me to trust that with the emotional cheating. he should have drawn a line, but he says he always maintained they would always be "just friends". i have issues with BOTH of them... she should not have tried to wreck my home, and he should have seen her as what she was... a woman trying to get with him!

 

it makes me glad to see that there is someone else who thinks if someone is "taken", that means that they should be considered "unavailable". i would NEVER try to steal someone away from their s.o. because i think it is inappropriate... i also think if that person is willing to step out on their present s.o., that means one day they would cheat on me, too!

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I think we all would be better off if people respected the boundaries of other people's relationships. If there was a situation where one person found themselves completely in love with someone who was taken & really feels that they have to tell that person, do it, but don't ask or expect that person to end it with their SO.

 

Example: my sister's current bf made it very clear he was in love with her while she was already in a long-term relationship with another man. But he was always nice & friendly to her. I don't think he ever tried to convince her to leave her bf for him. Eventually, my sister & her old bf broke up (he found someone new; how mature of him) and about 6 months later she started dating her current bf.

 

I was always kind of annoyed with her current bf because I felt like he didn't respect the boundaries of her relationship, but what her now-ex did was certainly worse. When I spoke to her now-bf about it, he told me he knew he was in love with her from the day he met her &knew that one day, she & that guy would break up & he would still be there. He waited years. But letting her know from the start put him at the top of the waiting list, so to speak.

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I disagree.

 

I do believe that "all's fair in love and war."

 

My rules are these:

 

1. I don't touch my friends' girls.

2. When I hang out with my friends' girls, my mentality is that I'm guarding these girls from strange men.

3. If my friend likes a girl, I let him have her.

4. I don't date a friend's ex, unless it's okay with him.

5. If someone is nice to me, then he counts, in some ways, as a "friend." So I can't touch his girl either.

 

Aside from this, I don't care. It takes two to tango. If a girl flirts with you, then she likes you. She might have a bf, or she might not. Maybe she pretends that she has a bf, so that she can game you. Maybe she pretends she doesn't have a bf, so that you won't be scared off.

 

It's up to the girl to set the boundaries - if she intends to be monogamous. It's none of my business.

 

Addition

 

Furthermore, a pretty girl deserves to have several boyfriends. Some girls are monogamous - that's their choice. But if a girl enjoys stringing guys along, all the better.

 

Addition

 

Actually, in practice, I rarely chase after taken girls. However, in theory, if I like a girl, I will chase after her.

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Yeah, I guess I was brought up to feel compassion and empathy for people I do not know as well as for my friends in situations like this. So that is where my perspective comes from. I had a lapse in judgment once with regard to this and I felt like a terrible person. It made me realize that behaving in that way just didn't square with my values and that I needed to never repeat it again.

 

A pretty girl, like any other girl, should be honest. If she chooses to have several boyfriends, they should know that is her choice. I once knew a guy who told all the girls that he dated that he was polyamorous. I had a lot of respect for him just for the simple fact that he was honest. May not be everyone's cup of tea. But he was honest.

 

As for pretty girls deserving to have several boyfriends. I don't even know what to say to that. I neither agree nor disagree. It's interesting. I think everyone deserves to know the basics of whether or not the person they are seeing is only seeing them. But aside from that, I guess I have no opinion on who deserves what in dating.

 

I also think everyone fundamentally deserves respect unless they do something to lose that respect. By this I mean, if a guy I like is in a relationship I don't give it a second thought or try to pursue him even if I think I can get him because I respect the relationship and I respect the girlfriend, even if I do not know her.

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Yeah, I guess I was brought up to feel compassion and empathy for people I do not know as well as for my friends in situations like this. So that is where my perspective comes from. I had a lapse in judgment once with regard to this and I felt like a terrible person. It made me realize that behaving in that way just didn't square with my values and that I needed to never repeat it again.

 

Some people believe in universal morality. Luckily, I'm not one of them.

 

A pretty girl, like any other girl, should be honest. If she chooses to have several boyfriends, they should know that is her choice. I once knew a guy who told all the girls that he dated that he was polyamorous. I had a lot of respect for him just for the simple fact that he was honest. May not be everyone's cup of tea. But he was honest.

 

It's not that simple. Many people imagine that players aren't in love with their conquests. This is not true. In fact, there are two types of players.

 

1. Players who conquer for the sake of conquest (or sex).

2. Players who fall in love easily. Maybe the player fell in love with Emily. So he pursues her hard for a week. Then, when he saw Anne, he fell in love with her, too. He begins to pursue her. Then, when he saw Loretta, he fell in love with her, too. He pursues her. When he sees Emily, he imagines that Emily is the love of his life. When he sees Anne, Anne is the love of his life. When he sees Loretta, Loretta is the love of his life.

 

Most woman-players fall into the second type. thereforee, they cheat, they regret it, and then they cheat again. Or, they try to be faithful to one guy, but then when they see another cute guy, they're swept away.

 

But when they fall in love, they are really in love. This quality is what makes them so seductive.

 

I find that women who fall in love easily tend to make good friends. They're casual with love, but sincere with friendship. There's something very open, naive, simple, and brave about them. I take friendship very seriously, too. So I like these girls.

 

As for pretty girls deserving to have several boyfriends. I don't even know what to say to that. I neither agree nor disagree. It's interesting. I don't know what that really means, to "deserve" multiple boyfriends. Having a hard time wrapping my head around that one.

 

You know that commercial, "Because I'm worth it," - that's what I mean.

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It's not that simple.

 

I don't think we'll ever agree on this. I think some people like to be all dramatic and make things like this complex when for me it's as simple as being up front and honest and avoiding the drama of cheating on people and treating them badly. Many people are up for polyamorous relationships and are honest about it.

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this happened to me once. a guy pursued me while still with my boyfriend and it ended so bad. i had feelings for him too, i didn't cheat on my bf, the guys ex got involved, it was just ugly. i'm glad i'm out of it now. i dont even speak to the guy anymore.

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