Did I screw up... If so how bad?

[Rabican]

Ill try to summarize this as quickly as I can. My fiance and I just had our first child last month. It was not planned, but Im very happy with the little guy.

 

Right now I am the only one working, so Im paying all of the normal bills, as well as all of her bills which includes a couple hundred in creditcard bills each month. These arent really going down, because I cannot pay any more than the minimums and the next month its pretty much where it was this month.

 

So Ive been balancing my checkbook down to my last $20 each two weeks. Literally juggling bills to see which ones I can pay now, which ones I can pay late, which ones I can pay next month. Its tough going for the moment. I work full time, and some overtime (the OT really helps make ends meet each month) and it seems its a battle all the time over me not spending enough time with her. I know shes lonely at home... but Im at work Im not out partying. I havent gone out fishing, have only done an hour of Judo in the last few weeks. SO its not like Im out having a blast while shes stuck at home. I work, I come home, I help clean, help with the baby etc. Then I go to work. and repeat.

 

Earlier tonight I was talking to my mom on the phone, and she mentioned christmas gifts, and I said I dont really need or expect anything because Im so broke right now I cannot afford to buy anything for anyone. So I went on to tell her a little bit about how Im struggling financially. I mentioned that the CC are hurting us because I just had one of my own cards that I forgot to pay and it went late, plus overdraft on the same month. I said when Im paying the min's and not getting anywhere its tough especially when I do something like that. So we talked for a few and she said that she and my dad had, and have to some extent the same problem I do. So, I get off the phone a few minutes later and my fiance is in the bed crying. She heard my conversation, and was upset. I did not think this was any big deal that I was talking to my mom. But she thinks I made her sound bad, and that I think she is a burden, and now my parents are going to think badly of her etc. I tried to tell her that this was not so, my parents like her, they are looking forward to seeing her etc. But she wouldnt hear it. Shes mad at me, and says that she is moving home (we are living in FL, but from another state). She says after christmas shes moving back so that Im not burdened by her and wont have to pay for her stuff anymore etc.

 

I dont want her to leave, I love her... Im not sure if this is just the hormones talking, or if Im really that much of a dolt. But on the scale of things that someone can do wrong Id rank this as pretty low if the situation were reversed. I could use some suggestions as to how to handle this... and quickly. Were supposed to be leaving to go visit family tomorrow and I dont want to make this worse between now and then... or have her actually leave over this.

[waveseer]

She feels insecure because you aren't married so officially you haven't accepted responsibility for her yet.

[doyathink]

Maybe try talking to her, and say something like...I love you, I feel responsible for you and the baby, and I'm trying to find a solution to our finances. I talked to mom about it bc she's been there, and has some good suggestions. I didn't know where else to turn for help. I hope you understand that, and you leaving isn't what I want. We're a family...and when tough times hit, we need to stick together, and work with each other, not against each other.

[Rabican]

doyathink thats pretty much what I said. Pretty close to begging (which I know is not a manly thing to do) but it just seemed to odd that one minute were fine... and the next Im talking about bills and she is like 'dont touch me, get away from me, you dont love me etc.' We have been down roads similar to this before, where something small (in my opinion) will almost break us up... but a month after having a new baby thats the last thing I want. I was just sitting there looking at her holding him praying she doesnt want to take him away.

[waveseer]

I'm serious, go get a license and marry her.

[doyathink]

Thats so sad. And just so you know...fighting for someone you love isn't begging...or being less of a man...it's called cherishing someone worth fighting for.

 

I'm sure it does have a lot to do with hormones (damn them...they're evil!) and having a new baby, and the insecurity of you two not married, and the finances...all compiled into one big emotional mess!

 

Not to mention the time of year it is, and not having money for Christmas. She knew this anyway, but hearing you say it, just confirmed it....so to her, running away is easier then feeling like a burden, or having to face the problem.

 

Hold her, when you tell her this.

[babii doll]

I'm serious, go get a license and marry her.

 

the fact that she has a history of wanting to break up over trivial things before makes me wonder if she would be capable of pulling the same stunt after the getting the license.

 

couples counseling wouldnt be a bad idea, marriage is a big step, she has to know that the ultimate solution isnt just to run away at the drop of a hat, but to communicate and resolve whatever issue you may have.

 

retreating whenever something like this comes up isnt the right way to go about things.

[doyathink]

the fact that she has a history of wanting to break up over trivial things before makes me wonder if she would be capable of pulling the same stunt after the getting the license.

 

couples counseling wouldnt be a bad idea, marriage is a big step, she has to know that the ultimate solution isnt just to run away at the drop of a hat, but to communicate and resolve whatever issue you may have.

 

retreating whenever something like this comes up isnt the right way to go about things.

 

I sooo agree. Being married wont keep someone from running away.

You need to get at the root of why she wants to run every time she's faced with reality. Has she ever had abandonment issues?

[thejigsup]

Maybe she should get a part-time job. It would help with the bills and her insecurities. Also, it's hell staying home with a baby. I was made to stay home by my ex after I had my son and I hated life! A job may be just the trick to turn things around. Her sense of self worth will probably skyrocket. Plus, never talk about you finances to your parents. You meant well, but it backfired on you.

[alli]

Try to explain it like doyathink said. It's not like you yelled at her & blamed her. The fact is that financially things are difficult & you were discussing them.

 

I know she just had the baby very recently, but maybe she can go back to work soon? That will really help, unless all of the money she makes goes straight into daycare.

[alli]

I have a friend that is married with a baby (now two!). They work opposite schedules so they have basically no need for daycare. Sucks that they don't see each other much, but you do what you have to do.

[spearntime]

As a pregnant mother of three I feel I can offer some reasonable info.

 

New moms are extremely stressed. With a new baby, they have very little sleep, feel like crud because their bodies have been stretched like a rubber band and back again, hormones are all crazy.....

 

Sensitive? Try a new dimension in the realm of sensitivity. It usually can take at least six months for women to feel like they are back to their old selves after having a baby. I promise you she DOES NOT FEEL SEXY to top it all off. Shes' so vulnerable right now.

 

This leads me to the possibility of post partum depression. If she isn't snapping out of a mood like this, please research the topic as it is very real and can be dangerous.

 

Lastly, just take all the blame. It really can only help. Tell her you would NEVER expect her to work right now. Tell her you were just explaining how stressed you were about not providing quite enough. Most people have credit card debt in this country... she isn't a burden. You're just hoping to be a better provider somehow.

 

AS for that baby, she should NOT be going off to work right now. I know from experience that is bad for both mother and baby.

 

Hope this helps.