I'm having a hard time letting go

[keith515]

I haven't spoken to my ex in over a month. I sent her a mass email a week after that. That was on Nov 22nd. The last time I made contact with her in which she didn't respond.

 

I have no desire or intention to talk to her. I don't even know what I'd say. I broke up with her because I had been debating it for a while and she said she wasn't happy in the relationship.

 

Background on the relationship

The relationship started off great. The sex was great. However, within a few weeks the conversation dropped off on the weekdays from her. She just didn't have anything to respond to what I said, nor did she contribute to the conversation in any way. Yet, she still wanted to talk to me every day. I would have been better off not talking to her since she had nothing to say anyway.

 

She was depressed when I met her and was depressed the whole time. She is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. She wasn't doing drugs but we would go out drinking. I believe her drinking caused about 75% of our problems. Not just because of the drama she caused but because of the things she would do while drinking and would just make her feel more depressed.

 

She was angry and very irritated with me. She didn't want to have sex with me but INSISTED that I shouldn't take it personally. Midway through our relationship she said she felt like her heart was blocked off. Like she just couldn't feel anything.

 

I never tried to get back with her after we broke up. And neither did she. I never cried about the break up, nor did I go into some kind of depression. We would check up on each other after we broke up but no real conversations. She JUST HAD NOTHING TO SAY. (She was never big on talking about our relationship when we were together.) And when I talked to her she would be very distant and like usual, not give me any real indication where she was emotionally. She definitely didn't sound happy. She never did try to prove to me that things would be better. She did at one point when I ran into her, apologize for being rude and mean to me. She was in tears when she said that. That made me feel better at the time for a while.

The present

I haven't checked her myspace page because I haven't logged on in about 3 weeks. However, I still check to see if she logged on. She is still my friend on myspace but I haven't deleted her from my page. The last I checked I was still in her top friends. Since I was the one that solidified the break up, I don't feel I have any justification to delete her. She hasn't changed anything on her profile since we broke up so looking at her profile really won't tell me anything.

 

So I still think about her every day and still fantasize about her. When I think about the relationship, more times than not, I think about how angry she made get or how frustrated she got me.

 

I don't want to get back with her and I have nothing to say. But I do want to know what's going on her life. But I fear that if I knew what was going on in her life, I really wouldn't want to know based on the decisions she has made in her life.

 

I think I'm addicted to her but don't want anything to do with her. I don't feel any desire to date anyone. I've tried making an effort but I have no energy for it. I am starting to flirt a little now. It has been a slow process.

 

I just don't know what I want or what I can do to get me feeling back on track again.

[waveseer]

Do you feel responsible for your ex or the failure of your relationship with her?

[keith515]

Do you feel responsible for your ex?

 

I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. If I knew she was into drugs again or engaging in reckless behavior it wouldn't surprise me. I can't feel responsible because she had been down that road before I met her.

 

Do you feel responsible for the failure of your relationship with her?

 

I know I did everything I could to keep the relationship afloat. I don't feel responsible for the demise of the relationship. There was nothing I could have done. I'm willing to bet that no one could be in a relationship with her. She was dealing with so many issues at the time that she couldn't talk to me. What I mean by that is at one point when we were together, she said she had to deal with something that just came up but she wouldn't tell me what it was.

 

I think my feeling may have to do with what I experienced with her. She just couldn't open up. She opened up in the beginning but that was stuff she would tell anyone who got to know her for a little while I realize as I write this. She didn't know how to open up or be vulnerable because she had been hurt so many times before so she hurts the ones that love her because that what she saw. It was so frustrating being with her because she just wouldn't talk to me. I guess that's part of the "addiction" is because I'm still trying to learn a lot about her. And to add to that, I found the school paper she used to write for and read some of her articles yesterday. Again, the goal was to understand as much as I could about her because she couldn't express herself to me.

[waveseer]

I just keep getting the impression that you think you can help her. Do you think you can help her?

[amipushy]

It's pretty normal to check people profiles when someone has had an affect on your life. It not the checking itself that makes it obsessive, its when you feel fear that you can't stop when checking. If you just do it and not worry about it, eventually life takes over and you stop completely.

[keith515]

Another example, right now I am looking up to see how much apartments are in the area she moved in. I wonder how she could afford it because just she had a 3rd at-fault accident take affect on her insurance. So I wonder if her insurance company dropped her which is why she would be able to afford to live there.

[waveseer]

Another example, right now I am looking up to see how much apartments are in the area she moved in. I wonder how she could afford it because just she had a 3rd at-fault accident take affect on her insurance. So I wonder if her insurance company dropped her which is why she would be able to afford to live there.

 

I wonder how my future ex husband is paying his rent, but that's because we have children together.

 

What do you hope to accomplish by figuring out how she's surviving?

[keith515]

I just keep getting the impression that you think you can help her. Do you think you can help her?

 

I really don't think so. She is very stubborn and I know if she wanted to get her life back on track again, she could do it. She has done it before. She was COMPLETELY SOBER for 2 years and was doing very well in school.

 

But she started drinking again, and started dating an abusive BF and lost all her money and hadn't gone back to school since.

[keith515]

 

What do you hope to accomplish by figuring out how she's surviving?

 

Good question. I don't know. Do I want to know she is doing well? Do I want to know she is suffering? I don't know. Is it just curiosity? It must be something more. I must get something out of it.

 

See, I won't talk to her because I don't think she would tell me the truth anyway. I always felt she was jealous of my success. I have worked hard to get where I am but I feel she thought I more advantages. Yes, I did as a child but as an adult I made my own fortune. She even called me her hero the night I met her because I was just about to make the change from one career to a better one. She was doing the same and I admired her for it.

 

Surviving. How is she surviving?

It really doesn't matter. Maybe I do feel a little responsible. Maybe not responsible but somehow, someway. I was with her. Attached to her. She met all my friends and family. So to think she may be living her life in a worse way cannot make me feel good.

[waveseer]

You still feel connected to her. That's okay. But if it's really over between you it's time to let her go.

[keith515]

You still feel connected to her. That's okay. But if it's really over between you it's time to let her go.

 

Yes, I am still connected. It really is over. I've always had a hard time letting go. But usually I would try to make some effort in getting the girl back.

 

With this one, I have no intention of trying to get her back. I would always ask myself, "what would I gain be getting back with her?" And the only answer I would get is, "I would have someone to hang out with, despite all the drama and anger that went along with it."

 

I don't even know what I am hanging onto. I really don't.

Maybe it's the chance we may talk again. Or just, flat out, the relationship. Not fully letting go of the relationship. I think that's it. I hanging onto the belief that the relationship is not completely over. It may be 99% over, but there is still 1% left. Which is why I find it hard to want to date anyone.

 

But I don't know why I'd be hanging onto a relationship that brought me anger, confusion, and frustration most of the time.

[waveseer]

I don't even know what I am hanging onto. I really don't.

 

I think this is why you are having trouble letting go. You aren't sure who she really was, so you thereforee aren't sure of what you're losing.

[android]

Well, Are u sure u want to let go? If thats the case, stop entirely... Yet if u are not, then go ahead and try to find out more and try to help her... Its your heart that says what to do.. follow it... You're not helping her because she means anything to you, but because she was part of your life at one point of time. Maybe she needs you more than anyone else now, but thats been insde a lot of problems and she is not able to express what she feels and what she wants... If she was into drugs that would probably making things complicated in her life, it must have made her mind unclear. Even if yu are not sure about your responsibility, what i believe is that you had nothing to do with her state... I suggest you explore a little more on what you feel inside, will you be happy if she was gone forever? or even a little more happier if she would be fit to come back into your life? The former, take decisions to completely stay away from her life. Delete all data about her from all your sources and of course your mind and move on... The latter, turn back, try to find out about her, try to help her.... Its a binary choice. Dont float around between both....

[keith515]

I think this is why you are having trouble letting go. You aren't sure who she really was, so you thereforee aren't sure of what you're losing.

 

I think you may have hit the nail on the head! Really.

 

That's a big part of what I've been trying to figure out. Was she a good person? Was she truly selfish? I saw a lot of great qualities. Yet, there were things that made me question her integrity. She had compassion for people. I feel a sense of calmness now. At this moment. I hope it lasts.

 

I don't know what I lost. She wasn't really herself when she was with me. But I don't even know if I was with the real person, I would have wanted to stay with her. I've been digging hoping to discover who she really was but I know that is not a possibility.

[waveseer]

I think you may have hit the nail on the head! Really.

 

That's a big part of what I've been trying to figure out. Was she a good person? Was she truly selfish? I saw a lot of great qualities. Yet, there were things that made me question her integrity. She had compassion for people. I feel a sense of calmness now. At this moment. I hope it lasts.

 

I don't know what I lost. She wasn't really herself when she was with me. But I don't even know if I was with the real person, I would have wanted to stay with her. I've been digging hoping to discover who she really was but I know that is not a possibility.

 

I can speak with a great deal of experience when I say that she was indeed a good person. She was sick with the disease of alcoholism. She will not act normally unless she gets and stays sober. You did miss out on a great girl but only because she's missing out on herself. It's her choice.

[keith515]

I can speak with a great deal of experience when I say that she was indeed a good person. She was sick with the disease of alcoholism. She will not act normally unless she gets and stays sober. You did miss out on a great girl but only because she's missing out on herself. It's her choice.

 

Yes, I don't know what I lost. I didn't know her. She doesn't even know herself.

 

What you said brought some comfort and peacefulness to me. Yes, she did not act normal or sensible. She would need to stay sober. "She was indeed a good person." That makes me feel good. If I think she was a good person, it makes me feel OK.

 

You did miss out on a great girl but only because she's missing out on herself.

While that statement makes me feel better, it also makes me feel a little sad. Can you elaborate on that statement? Thanks.

 

You're right. It's her choice if she wants to get help and sober again. It's her choice. When will she turn around? I don't know. It may be many years if ever, for that to happen.

[dreamwarrior]

Maybe your ex and mine should get together.

[waveseer]

You missed out on a great girl but it was impossible for you to not miss out on her because right now she isn't herself and she's missing out on a great girl too, herself.