You did this to yourself

[Amasa]

When me and my now ex started having problems I was very understanding. He was stressed, he was working too much. He needed time to hang with his friends.

Everything wrong he did I had an excuse for. Most of them were valid. He was working 2 jobs, he was stressed. ect ect.

But I have friends who thinks that no matter they don't put up with their men acting badly in any way.

For example one friend and her husband. His Mom died and he went out to drink that night. Then he wanted to go out the next night and drink too. And she said she didn't marry and alcoholic partier and she told him she would leave him if he went out again.

At the time I was thinking she was pretty hardcore. But she's still with her husband and my guy is off acting a fool.

 

So if we teach people how to treat us, have we inadvertantly taught our SO's to treat us badly because we put up with their bad behavior?

[waveseer]

Boundaries are good, but grownups don't need ultimatums.

[karvala]

Boundaries are certainly good. In exceptional circumstances, such as the death of a loved one, of course people should be tolerant and expect to be on the receiving end of some sharp behaviour from their partner; that's only human. But in normal circumstances, I don't think bad behaviour should be tolerated, and when it comes, it should be followed by an apology before normal service is resumed. It is also my experience that this approach does indeed help relationships to last longer. Ultimately you need the respect of your partner for a relationship to last, and the quickest way to lose respect is to act like a doormat who will take whatever is thrown at him/her without complaint. It may sound noble, but that's not how it will be seen. You owe it to your partner to stand up to them when they behave badly.

[littlestar]

I've learnt this the hard and yes we most do teach other people how to treat us and the worst thing is most people, if they can get away with it, will treat someone less than they deserve to be treated.

 

When my ex abused me i put up with it once, twice, third time i walked - i had no more time left for him. That was the day i showed him NO MORE you will not ever treat me this way again. Much easier said than done though. My heart is fallling into a million pieces coz i love and miss him so much.

[Amasa]

I think that life is hard and we all fall off or have problems at certain times. So what happens or what should we do rather when our SO starts having problems.

We should be there and be supportive, right? Try and help them through it? Even if under these extreme circumstances they are pushing the boundries of what is normally acceptable. Well that didn't really work out for me. He just kept spiraling until everything is out of control.

I'm just wondering if at the first sign he was pushing the boundries I should have stopped it then instead of being understanding.

Did I, by being understanding to his bad behavior make the situation worse? For him and for me. Did I tell him by my actions that what he was doing was ok because he was stressed? And by doing that allow a bad pattern to form that just made an already bad situation worse?

[littlestar]

i think in a relationship u gotta take the good with the bad, you accept they're going through a hard time in an exceptional case where they've lost someone close etc but if they keep doing the same thing over and over again and are not bettering themselves it's time to walk!

[Amasa]

So do you think then during regular life events, like having a baby or financial issues that are out of the norm but in no way extreme or comparable to a death, that we should not accept bad behavior from our SO.

I felt at the time that the bad behvior was in direct relation to how bad our situation was. For example when we had our second baby, we also had financial issues and he was working 2 jobs. He worked all day everyday from 7am until 10 pm. So he decided that he wanted to stay at his second job late one day a week and drink and play cards with his friends. Me being understanding, he needs some sort of stress relief something to do besides just work and take care of the fam. Because on top of that I was still waking up with a newborn all night so he woke up with the older kid in the morning when he went to work.

 

I know some of you think I'm crazy about thinking that letting him out one night was wrong. But my side of that is that we had two babies. One a colicky newborn, she had thrush and breathing issues and i had mastisis (sp). I did breathing treatments every 4 hours, medicine every 6 and I fed on demand. And the older one was on a mission to get attention and the whole time he was working I was stuck there with no one to help. I had to wait for him to get home at night to take a shower. So it was tough all the way around and I didn't get a night at the freakin bar.

But after I was understanding about that he started staying out later and later and then one night he didn't come home at all. He went over to his friends house and passed out there and he apologized but still. He was supposed to wake up with the older kid so I could get some sleep. Not to mention I was soo worried all night.

 

So I'm just wondering if I hadn't let the one night out go on, would this snowball never have happened?

[John Bendix]

I can see the point that you may teach people how to treat you but that does not make any less dysfunctional on their part.

 

If you partner picks up on the fact that he can treat you anyway he wants to by continuing his "abuse", he already has well developed narcissistic impulses. You will be fighting his tendency forever unless he has decided to change his abhorrent behavior and mind set. You have not "turned" him into this by omission. He is responsible for his actions and reactions.

 

The fact that you or anyone allows him to continue is a different story.

[waveseer]

We cannot control other people. He got his priorities confused and in no way shape or form was that your responsibility. It is not your job to raise your husband. You hit a big ol' nerve in me over this one. To a grown man, a single word about how you are feeling should be enough for him to introspect and choose a better course of action. Ultimatums are only as good as your willingness to carry them through.

[Amasa]

John--- Do you consider that scenario abusive in some way?

 

 

I kinda think that this is almost like a no fault situation (it gets worse and we can add some fault in there) But I see it as neither of us were getting our basic needs met and he began to, dispite the situation. I almost consider it selfish, but even then it was so tough I still understand why he needed a break from it sometimes.

So if it was abusive or even selfish. What was he supposed to do?

 

Same to you ready2heal in an ideal world a single word should have been enough. But shouldn't that have worked the other way too. He said he needed some time away from our crappy stressed out situation. Shouldn't I then been more understanding?

 

 

This is the very tip of our rollercoaster and it all goes down hill from here. I'm just looking back wondering how it could have gone different and what I did wrong.

[waveseer]

Well, let's see if what he did was fair by putting the shoe on the other foot. You run to the grocery store after a 16 hour day and you just feel so hemmed in that you decide to stop off at the bar on the way home for several hours and then your friends show up and you decide to leave and go to their house with them where you proceed to pass out leaving your husband home alone to fend for himself and your very young children. Time away does not mean running away, time away is planned in advance.

[Amasa]

I think honestly he would have been ok with that. He encouraged me to go out and get away from the kids the whole time this was going on. I think he wouldn't have felt so guilty about going out himself if had I done the same.

I don't really drink and at the time I was on medicine and bfing so I couldn't even if I wanted to. All I wanted was to be left alone. All the time I got babies crawling all over me. I got a sick one that won't stop crying. An hour of silence? To take a shower without having someone crying at the bathroom door? That would be heaven.

 

But what he said was that I completely shut him out (and he's kinda right) The only time I came close to getting alone time he would have to take care of the kids for me. So I would be in the other room, trying to get some time away and to get away from the kids I had to be away from him.

Which translated to him as me shutting him out. He said I didn't talk to him, I wouldn't open up to him. The only thing I did was complain about what he wasn't doing right and fight with him. All of that is probably true.

[waveseer]

It doesn't sound like you really think what he did was unfair. So getting back to the topic, exactly what would you have put your foot down about?

[John Bendix]

No, I was speaking in general terms and not directly to yours. I went to the most extreme example and that is an abusive relationship. My fault in not being clear.

 

Was it selfish? Of course.

 

What was he supposed to do? Do what he initiated long ago, take care of his family. Look for the best support that there can be, from his family.

 

I agree with Ready on this that running off as a way de-stressing himself also left his family in a lurch. IF this is the only way that he could deal with the issues that he had inside of him, then he needs to look further. that is a dysfunctional way of trying to cope with these issues for they are not being effectively dealt with and will come up again and again.

 

This subject hits close to home for me as I have done much research into those who choose to walkaway. Whether it be from a relationship or any other situation perceived to be too difficult to be dealt with. The change rarely brings that person the salvation or freedom from suffering that they thought it would. The underlying problems that influence them to walkway from from these situations (not being able to deal with them) will still be there only with new surroundings.

[Amasa]

That is my point. See how he's kinda screwed up and the whole situation is very much in the grey.

 

The fact is we had a newborn and he should have stayed home. I think if I asked 100 strangers if they thought it would be ok for a guy with a newborn to go out and drink 95 would say no.

 

But do you see how empathetic I am to His situation, His feelings, what He is going through ect ect.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have been. Maybe I shoulda been like screw you guy, you shouldn't make babies if you can't deal with them after they get here? You need more attention Sorry. Deal with it.

 

Should I have reigned it in here?

[waveseer]

That is my point. See how he's kinda screwed up and the whole situation is very much in the grey.

 

The fact is we had a newborn and he should have stayed home. I think if I asked 100 strangers if they thought it would be ok for a guy with a newborn to go out and drink 95 would say no.

 

But do you see how empathetic I am to His situation, His feelings, what He is going through ect ect.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have been. Maybe I shoulda been like screw you guy, you shouldn't make babies if you can't deal with them after they get here? You need more attention Sorry. Deal with it.

 

Should I have reigned it in here?

 

Maybe if you weren't so disrupted by lack of sleep and time to yourself you might have been able to think more clearly and been able to do more about it at the time. But if you weren't in that condition the situation might not have come up. Again, you are not responsible for the way he chose to take care of himself.

[amipushy]

Its not the fact that he stayed out, its why. He pulled away when you needed him most because he couldnt handle it. Well I'm afraid, thats too damned bad. You need him to work with you as a team to take the pressure off both of you or this isn't going to work.

[Amasa]

I think that I am the one that's wrong here. Don't worry I can feel the collective eye roll. But talking about these things is how you come to these conclusions. And we all know he wasn't gonna be all wrong in our lengthy breakup. Don't worry he did his fair share.

 

But he's not the one that pulled away in that situation. I was. He's right that as soon as the baby got there I didn't talk to him at all. I didn't show him any affection at all. And the only times I did talk to him it was to critique what he was doing with the kids or to fight with him about how he wasn't doing enough.

I know he was trying to do stuff to make it better. And I ignored it all and was irritated by it. Then he started his card bs and I was jealous and mad about that too. Why should he get to go out? Why does he get a break. But really he gave me the opportunity and I refused to take it and stayed mad at him. By that time he was the enemy and not my partner. I was the one not being a team player.

I really had the idea at the time that our relationship was strong enough that it should be able to sit on the back burner until I was ready to go back to it. But I think I was taking a lot of my anger and frustration of that situation out on him too.

[thejigsup]

I don't accept bad behavior and simply walk out the door. I generally get treated very nicely. Yes, we teach others how to treat us by our actions. BUT, I hold myself to the same standards I expect of others. I give as good as I get. It works for me.

[amipushy]

I already replied to that with that in mind. You had just had a baby, stressed, tired and emotional, irritable, etc, etc and he knew that also so I can only repeat my words...

 

Its not the fact that he stayed out, its why. He pulled away when you needed him most because he couldnt handle it. Well I'm afraid, thats too damned bad. You need him to work with you as a team to take the pressure off both of you or this isn't going to work.

[Amasa]

Your right. I went back to that this morning. Why don't I get a pass on acting like a fool after I had a baby. 2 babies in less than 2 years.

Is he really so immature that he started us down this path all this because he wasn't getting enough attention from me ????

 

And I feel like a total psycho because I'm back and forth about the whole scene. Every fight like this I can't decide who was right. And does it really matter anyway? It kinda does.

Aren't we just being people? Aren't we each being a little selfish and feel totally rightious for doing that (because we are)

So we've established that we're not perfect. Maybe we just shouldn't have been being so hard on each other.

 

His whole thought on it is that we shoulda been able to work through it. that we should have stayed close and not let it get to this. And we couldn't.

HOw could we have??? I think we were under extreme stress and even the best relationship would have suffered.

Maybe he's right. We obviously weren't communicating well.

I don't know this whole thing is a big ugly mess. I'm not sure what happened or who's fault it was.

Even when I talk to him about it. I'm not even sure what I'm mad about. I'm just mad. And I'm mad that we can't talk about it bacause I'm to mad to see what happened. And I'm mad that I just reread this post and I'm back and forth again.

It's never gonna get better like this.

[confused_255]

Boundaries are good, but grownups don't need ultimatums.

 

all that need be said