New interest - talk to them about their problems or not?

[pryda]

OK, so I met this girl on Halloween, we got together in a club that night all dressed up and looking ridiculous - added her to Facebook the next day but didn't really talk much for a couple of weeks afterwards.

 

I passed it off as a one-off situation that wouldn't end up going anywhere, and I kinda thought I could do better in terms of looks. However, I had a few chats with her online during November and actually found her to be a really fun person to chat to, so have kept doing so and recently gave her my number so we could talk over text message as well.

 

I've been quite open (maybe too open!!) about how much I like her, and thus far she has reciprocated those kinds of comments. She's flattered that I'm interested in her because she thinks I could get a better girl than her (I know, insecurity alert...) and has commented on the fact that she loves talking to me because I make her laugh and cheer her up a lot. I've limited the amount we talk though by staying off IM, because I don't want to overdo it and I'd rather build things up slowly.

 

But here's my main issue - she seems a bit up-and-down and I get the impression she has quite a few stresses and tendencies to feel down about things (she's dropped hints into conversation about this as well). I've thought about asking her what's up and trying to help out, because I know I have a lot to offer and may be able to make her feel better about whatever these issues are BUT she's explicitly told me that one of the things she loves about talking to me is that I remove her from her stresses, take her mind off them and leave her feeling significantly happier.

 

I've noticed she's become a little bit more distant over the last week or so, less inclined to be flirty and fun. Yet, I get the impression that this isn't so much to do with me but because something is bugging her and I just don't know whether it's better to discuss that sort of stuff with her or just keep it flirty and fun (an approach she has previously claimed to enjoy).

 

So, what's the best way to play this? If I try and get her to talk about her problems, I fear I may lose the exact appeal I have to her and may just become a friend on which to bounce her problems. On the other hand though, if I just play the role of being too casual, some sort of joker, then she might not take me seriously and could feel I'm incapable of being supportive.

 

Bear in mind that we're not in a relationship, we're still in the flirty stage, getting to know each other etc. - I know if things were more serious that I'd have to lend more of a hand. Is it dangerous to enter into someone's stresses and problems at this stage of the dating game?

[hmdreamer7]

Keep it flirty and fun, but find a way to tell her that if she ever wants to talk about her worries, that you'd welcome the conversation, and leave it at that. It lets her know that you're becoming more interested in getting to know her, but that it's still her choice whether to bring those things up. If she doesn't want to talk about it, continue to talk to each other like you have - it may be that she's not yet comfortable with you to bring up those issues, and it might take more time. good luck!

[shikashika]

Maybe you should stop being so modest?

 

Be her friend, listen to her, check up on her. Nothing wrong with being the caring guy who listens. If I liked a guy and still wanted that 'flirty' bit, I'd still like it if he can listen.

 

Women like to talk and like guys who will listen to them, regardless of if you become a couple or remain good friends.

[savignon]

I kinda thought I could do better in terms of looks. Ewww. Maybe she feels intimidated by your 'confidence'.

[kaoticbaby]

first of all, about the parts i bolded: i think it's kind funny/odd that you're calling her out for being insecure because of what she said, when you said the same thing yourself. "i could do better in terms of looks" pshh. i won't even comment further on that....

 

 

second, leave her be for the time being. like you said, you aren't dating. if she is acting distant from you, don't chase after her. it is not your responsibility and she probably won't even want you to (i know that if i were having problems that i didn't want to talk about, if someone i wasn't even dating and only met one time started to pry about it, i would get a little annoyed.)

[Balbina]

I agree with the other posters. Your arrogance is a little offsetting.

 

Ignore the need to swoop in and rescue because it's not your place.

[pryda]

Keep it flirty and fun, but find a way to tell her that if she ever wants to talk about her worries, that you'd welcome the conversation, and leave it at that. It lets her know that you're becoming more interested in getting to know her, but that it's still her choice whether to bring those things up. If she doesn't want to talk about it, continue to talk to each other like you have - it may be that she's not yet comfortable with you to bring up those issues, and it might take more time. good luck!

 

second, leave her be for the time being. like you said, you aren't dating. if she is acting distant from you, don't chase after her. it is not your responsibility and she probably won't even want you to (i know that if i were having problems that i didn't want to talk about, if someone i wasn't even dating and only met one time started to pry about it, i would get a little annoyed.)

Thanks for these two bits of advice - makes a lot of sense!

 

I'm sorry for coming accross as arrogant, I was just being completely honest (which is sometimes dangerous on a forum like this).

Wouldn't like to think I was shallow; I appreciate you calling me out on it though as I guess it could be part of the problem here, like savignon suggested.