What should I do to win her back?

[You and Me]

I posted on here earlier this week about my situation but I can't seem to locate the previous thread. Anyway, basically what happened is that I started to have doubts about getting married to my fiance. All of a sudden these feelings just hit me like a ton of bricks. They came out of nowhere. We had just moved in together and then I started to get all these anxious feelings about marriage. I held the feelings in but it caused tension and we were fighting a lot. So eventually I told her how I felt and that maybe I didn't want to get married in September and that maybe we should postpone the wedding. I just told her I wasn't 100 percent sure but I still loved her and wanted to be with her and did eventually want to marry her. So all this week has been tough. She has been really upset and has been crying alot and has started telling family members about postponing the wedding. We didn't break up, but she just keeps saying she doesn't know what is going to happen after this blows over and isn't sure she will want to stay with me. She already asked me to move out.

 

Of course, when I think about losing her, I realize that I made such a huge mistake when I had doubts about getting married. It might seem crazy, but now I am 100 percent sure I want to marry her! She says I can't change my mind like that because she doesn't trust me and fears that I will do the same thing all over again. Everytime I try to tell her how my feelings have changed and that I do want to marry her, she accuses me of taking things back that I said and gets really angry. I don't know what to do. What is the best thing I can do now at this time? Just give her some space? I thought a lot of people get nervous a little before getting married. Its not like I told her I didn't want to be with her or marry her. I just got a little scared. I didn't think she would get this upset about it.

[franfran]

You were honest, and it was very hard for you so I give you lots of props for that. My heart feels for this girl though. She is completely confused as to why the guy who she was going to spend the rest of her life with doesn't want to do the same anymore. Of course, this isn't how you feel, you're just not ready yet. You need to make this abundantly clear to her. She is telling everyone the wedding is off and pushing you away and asking you to move out because you basically just shat all over her dreams. Kind of harsh, but I could imagine that is just a fraction of how she feels right now.

 

You didn't do anything wrong and you shouldn't feel bad because you are looking out for yourself and trying to make the best decision for the both of you. I don't think you should shower her with love and affection and gifts that you wouldn't normally, but I think you do need to sit her down and have a constructive conversation with her and make her realize that you aren't going anywhere. Good luck!

[valmont77]

Now you have to do some damage control to do, so not contacting her is probably NOT a good idea, you have to sincerely explain that you got cold feet and suffered a temporary lapse of sanity. That it happens to people about to get married and is not anything to worry about. I'm sure everyone around her is telling her the same thing.

 

On the other hand, take some time to really ask yourself some difficult questions. Maybe your doubts were legitimate, especially since you took it upon yourself to tell her about them. Maybe now you're all of the sudden sure again, because you got scared of the consequences, but those doubts might resurface again, maybe after the wedding. Don't be too impulsive about these things.

[justletgo07]

If you really want a chance to win her back, I have one recommendation: patience. If it is going to work out at all, it is not going to happen over night, or in a week, or in a month. Make sure you're ready for that.

[loulee]

okay so obviously you didnt handle the way you were feeling about your upcoming wedding very well...Im sure your fiance would have been hurt and disappointed...stop beating yourself up over this..she should have enough faith in you after a brutally honest talk with her to understand your confused thoughts and work WITH you on this....why on earth the whole family needs to know all of your details Ill never know...Are you supposed to be punished about your indecision from members of the family OUTSIDE of this relationship...make you feel worse perhaps....basically your girlfriend is hurt and she wants to HURT you back making YOU feel insecure about your future together as SHE feels you have done to her...Im sure she loves you and would hate to lose you she probably just wants you to have a taste of your own medicine..Immature? yes it is.. so sit down like to grown adults and discuss this together..it is no ones business but the two of you..lots of reassurance is needed here ...this episode should make you stronger as a couple not pull you apart...just have some us time together..this will sort out...

[You and Me]

The only problem is. Everytime I try to talk to her about our relationship and how I had a momentary lapse of sanity, she gets upset and thinks I am taking back what I told her before and that I am just going to hurt her again. What should I do? Give her some time before I talk to her seriously about our relationship?

[justletgo07]

Remember that words are meaningless. You have to stop talking about it and start ACTING. It is the only way that she will believe you are sincere. It is going to take a lot of consistent acting on your part, over a long period of time, to regain her trust. But you can do it.

[loulee]

The only problem is. Everytime I try to talk to her about our relationship and how I had a momentary lapse of sanity, she gets upset and thinks I am taking back what I told her before and that I am just going to hurt her again. What should I do? Give her some time before I talk to her seriously about our relationship?

 

I think your trying "too hard "You have already OVER explained yourself....How much worse does she want you to feel...let her know that you are hurting now also...tell her we need to pull together...ASK HER what she feels you should do..IF she wants space tell her you will respect her wishes and move out, ALSO tell her that this is NOT what you want to do that you want to strenghthen the quality of your relationship together. IF she however feels that she STILL wants space GIVE it to her immediately. call her bluff.....try the other shoe, and move out, if she is serious she will welcome you moving out while she has thinking time....your reassurance is falling on deaf ears at this point.. because she is hurt and wants you to hurt a bit longer...its not like you cheated on her BUT were afraid to tell her about your fears....I would want my partner to show his respect for me if I confess a brutally honest fear whether he liked the information or not...thats how we grow TOGETHER...I really think this will sort out for you..dont make this any bigger than what it is...cause truly it isnt....stop feeling so guilty...

[abitbroken]

Gosh...September is 9 months away. I would have said moving in together is a huge enough step and adjustment as it is. If I was in your shoes and was feeling what I was feeling I would have sought counseling to work out my fears and to decide if it was just cold feet, if I wanted to marry the person, but I was going through all the feelings of "gosh, now i have to act like a grownup" or whatever it was. Then at least you would have been able to know in a month or two what it was and could decide then.

 

If I were her, I would be very hurt right now. You just agreed to move in with her and all of your actions made it seemed you were comfortable about moving forward.

 

Patience, I agree that you need.

 

I think you have to try to win her back all over again. Start trying to "date" her again if you can. Don't automatically say the wedding is back on as a reflex, but really mean it if you mean it.

[sparkles4]

I'll never understand women who go and ruin perfectly good relationships just because the guy doesn't want to get married right away, and wants to wait like a reasonable person.

 

Anyway, are you sure you've really changed your mind about marrying her, or do you just feel that way now because you'd do anything to get her back?