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Who needs to apologize?


PsychGirly

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This is kinda long, sorry...

 

My best friend of 7 years & I got into our first "fight" last night, & it ended terribly.

 

I texted her to ask if she wanted to hang out last night, & she replied, "Why? Is your little bf too busy to hang out with you tonight?" I was extremely offended by her sarcastic humor, so I replied, "What the hell is that supposed to mean? Do you wanna hang out or not?" & she said, "No, I'm going to a christmas party" I told her she could've mentioned that from the start instead of bi*ching at me. She said, "I'm not the bi*ch here", & it went on & on from there.

 

I explained to her how she's acting really immature, & she complained about how "I found a bf & forgot about her". This is not the case. I saw her 3 days ago, & have been texting & calling her since just asking what's up & how she's doing. I'm not sure what's going on with her.

 

Eventually, she took it too far & started getting out of hand, so I told her "I don't wanna have this conversation right now", & she said "Well it's good to know that you don't feel guilty whatsoever". I replied, "I haven't done anything wrong to feel guilty about". She said, "Then as far as I'm concerned, you can go to hell."

 

I never replied.

 

I'm so shocked. I can't even begin to explain how RANDOM this all was.

 

My mom & my other friend suggested I don't initiate any contact with her unless she apologizes for the way she acted. I'm just not sure if I had any fault in this, or if anything I said was out-of-line.

 

Any insight is greatly appreciated.

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Well it sounds like she definitely overreacted...but it also sounds like she is really hurt and confused by how your friendship is changed. She is also probably feeling kind of embarrassed right now and probably a bit trapped b/c she knows she overreacted but she doesn't want to be the first to apologize...

Maybe if the friendship is important you can be the first to talk (in person) and just tell her you felt hurt by what happened, that you are sorry she feels neglected but you feel you are trying to start a new relationship but her friendship is important too and you're sorry if she felt that wasn't true and maybe you guys can have a discussion on how to do things differently...kind of set up a date night (friend one though)

 

It's hard to be the bigger person but if the friendship is important i think it would show maturity and that you really do care by contacting her first...

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I've only been talking to this guy for a month. I haven't changed WHATSOEVER towards her. I saw her 3 days ago ( I called and asked her if she wants to go out). I called her the day after that to ask if she wants to go to an event with me this weekend. I IMed her online the next day & asked her how her finals are going, & I texted her yesterday to ask if she wanted to hang out at night.

 

I sent her a text saying, "You're having a mood swing or something, cuz I don't know what's going on with you right now". She replied, "This isn't a mood swing. This is me predicting you're gonna **** me over."

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I've only been talking to this guy for a month. I haven't changed WHATSOEVER towards her. I saw her 3 days ago ( I called and asked her if she wants to go out). I called her the day after that to ask if she wants to go to an event with me this weekend. I IMed her online the next day & asked her how her finals are going, & I texted her yesterday to ask if she wanted to hang out at night.

 

I sent her a text saying, "You're having a mood swing or something, cuz I don't know what's going on with you right now". She replied, "This isn't a mood swing. This is me predicting you're gonna **** me over."

 

She's completely out of line then. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.

 

However, I do think you should be the bigger person and initiate contact with her... 7 years is a long friendship to just let slip away

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I would contact her. I'm not stubborn by any means, but I just can't pretend like she didn't tell me to go to hell. It takes a LOT of built-up anger to be able to say something like that.

 

Lately, I've been there for her A LOT. I've helped her out emotionally, financially, etc. I just can't believe she blew up on me like that. It was TOTALLY uncalled for, & I really mean that.

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Have you blown her off before when you have been in past relationships? That "me predicting you're gonna f me over" line sounds like she's somehow thinking, "Here we go again"

 

I haven't blown her off. I just feel like when you're in a serious relationship with someone, it's obvious that you're not gonna be spending time with your friends or family as much as you did while you were single; however, I've never neglected her whatsoever.

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I haven't blown her off. I just feel like when you're in a serious relationship with someone, it's obvious that you're not gonna be spending time with your friends or family as much as you did while you were single; however, I've never neglected her whatsoever.

 

Right, I agree. Some people don't see it that way, though and I find it's often people that don't have many relationships themselves. Is she usually single?

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I haven't blown her off. I just feel like when you're in a serious relationship with someone, it's obvious that you're not gonna be spending time with your friends or family as much as you did while you were single; however, I've never neglected her whatsoever.

 

Apparently this is what's up for debate then. I have been on the receiving end of this many times, myself. I've had very close friends who suddenly become cagey about making plans and want to insert bf of the moment's name into every conversation.

 

Just make sure that you're being honest with yourself about your own behavior. Yes, she is out of line to say what she's saying, but it's so obviously coming from a place of hurt, not malice. Have a real talk with her, no accusations. Say that you really don't want to fight and you care about what's going on with her.

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I only read your post and I can tell you I've been on both sides of this fight. Your first mistake is not accepting ANY responsibility at all. You think you've done NOTHING wrong yet I find this hard to believe. She could be exaggerating about you forgetting her completely but I'll bet pretty much everything that you have neglected her at least a little bit. I sincerely doubt that once you got a bf you remained the same.

 

So perhaps her complaint hold a little bit of validity. Listen to her. Stop throwing the b!tch word out, you first, her next.

 

So here's what you should do, let things chill for a day or 2. Then call her NO TEXT, it's too easy to misinterpret.

 

Call, then lose the attitude ("what the hell is that supposed to mean" is the attitude you need to lose... you first her next). You should think about what you've done or better yet what you might NOT have done since your bf came along. Don't kid yourself into thinking you've been the same bestfriend since you hooked up- again I sincerly doubt that, nearly everyone knows how the "honeymoon" phase goes... So once you've thought about it call, then hopefully you realize you do need to apologize. Maybe you sold her out a few times, or picked your bf's event over hers, or you don't go out and party like you used to.

 

Aknowledge her complaint, or try to hear her out. Again, lose the attiutde, maybe she'll follow your suit. Hopefully she'll too apologize for x,y and z... and then you can have your heart to heart. After this you need to make time. I know how it is on both ends... the friend who gets lost and the friend who disappears, and all I wanted as the friend who got lost was for the friend who disappeared to make time for me. And if you can't do it as OFTEN, make it QUALITY... one on one coffee dates that lasts for 4 hours... or one hard, good, long night of partying... at least that's what I would have liked.

 

You think you haven't changed? Well you say you messaged her 3 days ago? And you've been dating a guy for a month? Umm, according to that that is 27 days of nothing...

 

Yes, she's out of line with the attitude, but you should know her well enough to know that she will react so harshly. You should also know that talking back with words like "hell

" and comments like "I've done nothing wrong" do NOT go well for people like your friend.

 

Try to see it from how I see it and perhaps you'll have a much better chance talking to her, but she seems perfectly willing to "break-up" with you over this. So really, it's up to you.

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I would be pissed off too... But I would want to be the bigger person and contact her after a few days and talk about why she blew up. Let her know that you didn't mean to hurt her with the things that you had also said however, it was a reaction to her sarcastic statement abuot your bf being too busy to hang out. You were offended and reacted negatively to her negative statement.

 

She's probably feeling insecure that she is losing her best friend to a guy, but it seems like you give her plenty of attention and friend time so I don't know where her feelings are coming from. My friends and I disappear for awhile at the start of most relationships, but it's an understanding that we have among all of us and we know we should never take it to heart.

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Ok this is totally weird, but she just texted me saying...

 

"Hey, k I have to admit I totally overreacted. I just can't live with the idea of drifting apart from you. Its ur life, do what you feel is right. You're my girl & I don't wanna lose that."

 

Aww

 

aww that's nice. i guess everything will be okay!

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Ok this is totally weird, but she just texted me saying...

 

"Hey, k I have to admit I totally overreacted. I just can't live with the idea of drifting apart from you. Its ur life, do what you feel is right. You're my girl & I don't wanna lose that."

 

Aww

 

Problem solved, dont forget to discuss this whole issue with her when you both are in good mood. It will help avoiding similar circumstances in future.

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I'm being totally honest with myself. That was the whole point of this thread--because I wanted someone else's insight on the situation.

 

When you're in a relationship, whether you like it or not, you're not gonna be EXACTLY the same with your friends & family, because now you have a bf/gf to think about, too. PEOPLE NEED TO UNDERSTAND THIS.

 

I appreciate your advice, however I'm not being stubborn or naive when I say I did nothing wrong.

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Give it a day for everything to cool off and call her. Don't text, email or message. Just call and ask if you can come by and talk.

This fight was about more than your new bf. She was having a bad day and has been holding some hurt in and it came out at you. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong, it matters that your friend of seven years is upset and needs her friend to talk to. Taking the high road does NOT mean you are weak or a push over. It means just the opposite actually. You are able to put your ego and pride aside to help a friendship and a friend.

 

Friendship is a relationship just like any other and they take work just like any other. Make the first move to repair the damage, I don't think you will regret it.

 

 

lost

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psych, i hear you. i've been on both ends also. i would just relax. if the friendship is meant to be, then it will be. my best friend and i broke up (she is gay and was seeing a new woman...the dynamics changed...as it should!) but we had this huge fight...and all 3 of us suffered for months (Nov-march)...finally the 'new' girlfriend is the one that reached out and now the 3 of us are the closest we have ever been. but...we did need a break to re-evaluate. the break was needed to sort out boundaries and feelings.

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I'm being totally honest with myself. That was the whole point of this thread--because I wanted someone else's insight on the situation.

 

When you're in a relationship, whether you like it or not, you're not gonna be EXACTLY the same with your friends & family, because now you have a bf/gf to think about, too. PEOPLE NEED TO UNDERSTAND THIS.

 

I appreciate your advice, however I'm not being stubborn or naive when I say I did nothing wrong.

 

So you've admitted you have changed, or things have changed. I know that of course, but why then do you still insist you've done nothing wrong to your friend? You've neglected her. Or you have done something, (or have not done something) that has made her FEEL neglected...

 

I still think you need to apologize so she knows that you do realize things are different, will be in the future etc. Don't let her take all the fall- that's not fair. Things have changed, and it is in large part on YOUR side of the friendship, take some responsibility for this new change.

 

So for 27 days or close to with no or minimal contact is just how it's going to be? This fight, was her way of telling you that she needs you, and wants you. I'm sure she knows it might be a little less but she want/ needs you more than a measly msn message about finals once a month (or roughly).

 

She obviously doesn't want to lose you, but I think you need to step up and meet her half way.

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So here is my insight from previous experience.

 

I am guessing that you are much prettier than your friend and she has a hard time finding dates. She looks up to you because you are beautiful and outgoing but at the same time, she gets insanely jealous that you have no problem finding a guy.

 

Even the slightest change in your attention towards her is enough to get her worried that you will ditch her. She then reacts to you in a manipulative kinda way so you either ditch the guy you are with totally or just enough to make him want to walk away from you.

 

I had a friend like this for YEARS! Everytime that I got into a relationship, he would give me a guilt trip about how much time I spent with the GF. Eventually he ruined a few of my relationships because I would give in to his manipulation.

 

I do not do this anymore and I agree with you 100%. You did NOTHING wrong and she OVERREACTED. You have to make the right decision for you. She might not be that great of a friend to have while in a relationship.

 

The friends that I have now don't care if I fall off the face of the earth for a few months while I am in a relationship. They just tell me that they will always be there even if things get sour with my GF at the time. And guess what... THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE! lol.

 

She needs to chill out or you need to take a break from her.

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How are you coming up with this? Who said I ignored her for 27 days?

 

I've only been official with this guy for a week. We've been "dating" for a month. The only reason I mentioned the past 3 days is because I wanted to point out that I've been making an EXTRA effort to talk to her & hang out with her, & she just randomly blew up on me last night. Nobody said I ignored her or neglected her for "27 days".

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Sorry but this made me "LOL".

 

She is not in a relationship with this friend. She owes this friend nothing. Friends are supposed to be there through thick and thin. They are supposed to understand that the other person has their own life and things wont always be perfect. If she only wants to message her once a month then so be it. The friend either has to accept that or move on to another friend.

 

My best friend ever lives in Phoenix AZ and we have only been talking about 1-2 times a year for the past 5 years but that does not change anything. I am not sending him text messages like an overly jealous girlfriend saying "Oh why do you hate me? I need you I want you! I can not live without you!". Screw that! If any of my friends acted like that with me because I have other things going on in my life then I would tell them to Eff off.

 

Seriously. Some people need to get a life outside their "B.F.F!" lol. I HATE clingy friends. HATE!!!

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