A arguement was resolved too easily and I feel scared...kinda

[CoCo2009]

Well this morning my boyfriend got under my skin my saying "are you gonna make me breakfast?" I was sorta offended because I thought he should ask me "Could you make me breakfast" I don't know if I tripped out or if I am pmsing or if I am stressed but the way he asked me just got under my skin. I went off and said to him that I do everything around here and you can't even ask me nicely? Then we had it out and then he said he would ask me nicely and do more around the apartment. This is not looking good to me for some reason.

[alli]

Do you normally make him breakfast?

[huskiesfan]

Nothing to worry about. If my girlfriend/wife snapped at me about how she does everything, I would probably be agreeable and agree to pull more weight around the apartment. It just might be scary because you didn't think he'd agree that easily.

[CoCo2009]

no, I mean once in awhile but no

[CoCo2009]

Nothing to worry about. If my girlfriend/wife snapped at me about how she does everything, I would probably be agreeable and agree to pull more weight around the apartment. It just might be scary because you didn't think he'd agree that easily.

 

I feel all guilty, I asked him and he said he hates arguing so he will just do what he needs to do so that we don't argue anymore.

[alli]

Next time he asks "are you gunna make me breakfast?" respond with "are you going to make me breakfast?"

 

Haha. Don't feel guilty, he needs to pull his own weight. You may be on unemployment but I'm guessing you still pay your share of the bills? If so, your income is your own business. Your unfortunate situation shouldn't be used as beneficial to him (free maid service!) But instead of snapping on him it would be better to ask him to do things.

 

I started asking my bf to always do certain things. Being, taking out the trash (I put it by the door & he takes it outside) & he brings it to the curb on trash day. I also load the dishwasher & he puts them away. Earlier this week he saw they were clean & he put them away without me even saying anything! I was so happy.

[CoCo2009]

You know whats bothering me? He is helping me pay down my debt. He said he wanted to help and now I feel like he is kinda bringing it up to make a point that he is working to help me, but I don't think its right because he wants to help me and of course I appreciate it but it just seems like he is using that as an excuse as to why he can't do anything. Thats not right. And yes all of my money goes towards the bills. On top of that he lost his warehouse job so right now he is working at a Real Estate office trying to get deals, not daily salary or anything like that!

[CoCo2009]

I hate money, I wish no one had to make money to survive lol!

[alli]

You know whats bothering me? He is helping me pay down my debt. He said he wanted to help and now I feel like he is kinda bringing it up to make a point that he is working to help me, but I don't think its right because he wants to help me and of course I appreciate it but it just seems like he is using that as an excuse as to why he can't do anything. Thats not right. And yes all of my money goes towards the bills. On top of that he lost his warehouse job so right now he is working at a Real Estate office trying to get deals, not daily salary or anything like that!

 

That's a problem when someone helps you financially.. you feel like you owe them something, or they try to make you feel like they owe you.

 

It's nice of him to do that, but is it absolutely necessary? I know the situation with searching for a job; it took me 4 months to find something.

[CoCo2009]

well he wanted to help me because then we could buy a house together. I have great credit but a lot of debt so he wanted to help me pay it down. I have helped him before and I guess he just wanted to help because he saw me stuggling with it. I pay my debt but he helps me.

[CoCo2009]

oh yeah I just remembered what really got me po'ed he said something on the lines of. "You do all that stuff for you too so whats the big deal?" So he was basically saying that since I did all the shopping and cleaning that I didn't do it for him I did it for me too. I was thinking well thats pretty selfish of him to say! I feel bad right now because we have stopped arguing over the stupid cleaning situation etc... and then this happens. Is it normal to argue in a relationship?

[travwilbury]

Hmmm, not sure why that is a reason to go off. You could have just said you do not feel like it. And then you felt entitled that he should ask you.

 

Too bad we can not all communicate in a clear manner instead of interpreting, assuming, getting feelings hurt, etc. And then starts the , "him doing what you want", just to avoid the conflict. Not good.

[alli]

It's normal to have disagreements, but really you don't want it to become something that gets both people really upset. This is also a recurring issue for you. Really, it's better to settle something the first or second time it comes up than continue fighting about it.

 

I do see his point. When I clean my house, I do it because I like it clean, not because my bf wants it or expects it. He simply benefits from how I would be keeping my house anyway. Whether or not he's here, I'm still going to be vaccuming & stuff. I guess it is a little more since there's 2 of us. But the way I see it, he does other things for me. Ie, he spent hours fixing my espresso machine which saved me a couple hundred bucks so I didn't have to buy a new one. He refills the fluids in my car, just other stuff. So it balances out.

 

I see how you don't want him to think of you as his maid, but if he is helping you out in other ways & you have the time, maybe just devote an hour or two to cleaning up a few times a week? He shouldn't expect you to do things like cook his food, but he should appreciate it.

 

Maybe you guys can decide on a couple specific things he always does regarding cleaning that would make you feel like things are more equal?

[CoCo2009]

you guys are right, I am not communicating with him efficiently. I need to stop flying off the handle. I have such a short temper and I am so sensitive that sometimes I do feel like I'm being unfair to him. I need to learn how to communicate better..but how? Its always been a weak point for me.

[alli]

Maybe tell him when you are calm that you know you have a short temper & fly off the handle. However, that doesn't mean whatever point you are making has no validity to it. Things are rarely 100% right on one side & 0% on the other. But by telling him, it would be like making a commitment to try to fight more fairly.

[CoCo2009]

I should also mention that we decided to go to couples counseling. I guess I can figure this all out then instead of posting about it over and over. Sorry I just needed to vent I guess.. blah

[CoCo2009]

Maybe tell him when you are calm that you know you have a short temper & fly off the handle. However, that doesn't mean whatever point you are making has no validity to it. Things are rarely 100% right on one side & 0% on the other. But by telling him, it would be like making a commitment to try to fight more fairly.

 

so it is normal to fight or have disagreements?

[alli]

No it's ok, everyone needs to vent sometimes. That is awesome you are going to counseling!! I bet that will help you both a lot.

[alli]

It is normal to have disagreements & maybe fight occasionally, but if it is on a regular basis (like weekly) fighting is unhealthy. You will start to associate negative feelings for your partner.

 

I'm kind of sensitive when it comes to my bf. If we fought weekly, it would probably take me the entire time to recover from the last fight until the next one came! That's no way to live.

[CoCo2009]

It is normal to have disagreements & maybe fight occasionally, but if it is on a regular basis (like weekly) fighting is unhealthy. You will start to associate negative feelings for your partner.

 

I'm kind of sensitive when it comes to my bf. If we fought weekly, it would probably take me the entire time to recover from the last fight until the next one came! That's no way to live.

 

 

YES thats exactly how I feel! I am so sensitive so this left over feeling of sadness lingers....I don't know how he feels about it though. I wonder how long he feels bad I don't want him to feel bad, I want him to be happy.