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Integrity, Honor, and Respect

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Yes I was your mistress for one month. I broke up with you and said it wasn't for me. Not my beat. You left your wife without my asking. You told me you didn't love her, you put a ring on my finger, you tracked my cycle and made love to me. You asked me if I wanted to have your baby and I said yes. You put a baby in my belly, and because you had to have me, to keep me.


Our baby naming ceremony was a declaration of our love. A show and a farce. You cheated on me 4 months into our relationship with a girl you met online. You continued that relationship until our son was 3 months old. You violated our family vacation and chatted online, took her to baseball games, gave her $1000.00 after having sex with her, and confessed it all to me as if I had no feelings. She gave a BJ for an interview, you tell me, and it "grossed you out." Nice.


Your ex wife filed for divorce and she damn well should have. I did too, and I have the same thought as she. Who the heck are you? Our entire relationship you continually betrayed me. Secret email accounts set up where you tell your ex wife how she is the "true love of your life." and "no one can compare" or "substitute" her. You undid me. You let her into our home and allowed her to rearrange the accessories so that it was the same as you had them when you were with her. You took every picture down and told her to "do her thing." You trapped me in that condo and I wasn't allowed to touch a thing, not even buy a damn bath mat. You flipped out remember? We went to counseling so I could bring my coffee cups into the place. They didn't match the red and yellow wallpaper. No, not my coffee cups. My coffee cups didn't match, and that was a problem.


Two days after mothers day, one month after the baby naming, you announced you were "Still in love with G***e and I am going back to her. I want you to take Max and move out." You humiliated me in front of every person I ever knew, parading me around in diamonds, holding our son up, in formal attire. What a show my God. You humiliated me in front of God, as he knows how I loved you and how proud and grateful I was to have you and our son. You stole my mother's day and made me go to a breast cancer walk for a disease I don't have. SHE HAD BREAST CANCER. It was my first mothers day and you stole it and then turned me out on my heels with our 4 month old son. You said you loved me and wanted me to be your wife. Then you said you already had a wife.


This summer I fought "for" you as I allowed you to date her and me at the same time. I manned our son on the front lines while you ran away on a cruise. You broke your collar bone in Aruba and I still believe to this day it was God striking you down. I nursed you and cared for you as your betrayal sat before my eyes and our son's. Did you ever even think of him? Or did you just assume he didn't know because he was little? What a force to protect him against.


I file for child support and custody. You hack into my email and steal correspondence to my lawyer. You show everyone you know and bad mouth me to our family. I am the mother of your son. I had every right to tell my counsel everything I knew about your offshore endeavors. Are you out of your mind? Do you think I could ever love you, or ANY man more than my son? That is straight insane. That is the true betrayal dear husband. Yes, i went NC and lawyered up. I set up a home for our son and myself, since you denied me the opportunity to nest in that tomb to your old marriage. I nurtured our son and played with him as my heart throbbed and my back broke from the spiritual pain you placed on me.


I am 32 years old. You are 55. So what if you were married for 26 years. Like I am supposed to shoulder that like Atlas carrying the globe. The only thing I ever did for 26 years was be me. I don't think so. That cozy number you used as an excuse to keep contact and pretenses to cheat on me with your ex. Under the rubric of "friends" and "she was my wife." What b***s**t.


You gave me jewelry for my birthday, mothers day, push presents, christmas, engagement, and our wedding. You asked me to marry you AGAIN after this summer. I asked for ONE thing, NC with ex wife and HONESTY. You promised. You promised I wouldn't have to live in that godforsaken condo. I didn't care if it was worth 3 million or 3 dollars, i wanted a HOME. I said we were living in my 2 bedroom in the burbs. You promised.


We married. I loved you. I trusted you. I believed in you.


3 days later I find your lie. 2 weeks later I find out I am pregnant again. You wanted ANOTHER child more than anything. I told you I wasn't ready. We needed to stabilize. You didn't care. You have money you said, it didn't matter. It would be fine. I insisted No. I told you NO. I SAID NO! NO! NO!

We made love and I asked you not to c** in me. Before and during. You did it anyway. You knew I wasn't on birth control, after all, you are diabetic and have ED. Normally you need a needle for it to work. I wasn't irresponsible for trusting my HUSBAND who had ED. No, it wasn't rape, but it certainly wasn't moral.


I find out I am pregnant. I am shocked and broken. Trapped and dishonored. Torn and manipulated. AGAIN. You get mad because I am not happy. One week later you conveniently change your mind. Yes, we are not ready. Yes, you should have an abortion.


Really? How easy and nice for you to think so.


I go to your "friend" the doctor. He does the procedure and I can't believe it. I am worried for our son, and feel horrible. You chat with your "old buddy" and then mention that its "Been awhile since I've hung out with him. Do you want to go to dinner with him and his wife?" No. I don't want to go to dinner with my abortionist. We eat lunch and never talk about it again. Until you ask about dinner. I am so numb, I say Yes, I'll go. Because I know you never stick to what you say, even if its just dinner. You become pleased by my concession. I was right. We never went. But you wanted to make me go to humiliate me didn't you? Or was that just a formality? Because people die with their abortionists normally?


I found that email you snuck over her condo to do her portfolio. How she wanted to touch you and to keep loving her back. You smelled of her ***** that day when I kissed you hello. You lied. I broke.


I filed for divorce. Custody. Support. You were done.

I went NC for 16 days while you withheld my son from me so I would sign the temporary 50/50 order. Blackmail. Hardball. Business. He is a baby not a bargaining chip. NEVER in a million years is 50/50 acceptable. I'm not trying to keep him from his father, but you are UNSTABLE. You cannot keep a decision longer than a week. And guess what? It's not ME. IT IS NOT MY FAULT YOU LACK CONVICTION. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN CHOICES. INDECISION IS DECISION. I am clear minded enough to separate your romantic see-sawing from your lifestyle. Whether it is dinner, a vacation plan with other people besides me, a house, a business decision, a decision about our son, a decision about yourself, you cannot stick to what you say. That is a fact. That makes you the 30% shareholder of our son. Because you just CAN'T. You want to, but you CAN'T.


You want to reconcile. I consider because I want my son. You hand me jewelry, offer the mercedes, $$, living adjustments, the works. AGAIN. I say check yourself and your exwife. I am not living with you. I am not taking that car. I am taking my jewelry because it is MINE. Thank you. I wanted to wear it but I took it off for the baby shower. I didn't want it to be about ME. It should have been about HER. The word for that is SELFLESS. Look to it.


You tattoo my name on your stomach. She was in florida that week you wanted to reconcile. How convenient.

The day she returns, you fight with me because I won't up and move back into that 3 million dollar tomb. INSTEAD of doing what we agreed, telling her NC for 6 months, that you LOVE ME now, and righting things for our son.

Instead, you show her my name on your belly and tell her she's still the true love of your life and that I can't compare. That your sorry. You undid me again. You can't keep a tattoo for a week. How did you go through 55 years of life like this? Wow. How did I let you do this to me? No more. Not to our son.


How exactly do you show a woman another woman's name tattooed on your belly and tell her she's the love of your life? How does she believe you?


I know because she responded to that email. YES. I needed to know the deal, because even if you ARE a liar, she is not. Now I know.


You file for full custody of our son. You say I have uncontrollable rage problems. Really? How does that work exactly? Since it has been I who has nurtured, cared for, protected, and moved every which way with our baby on my hip due to your instability? Because I threw 35K at you through bulletproof glass? Ok. That means I'm a baby shaker? Whatever. You know and I know what's what. You don't have a leg to stand on buddy. I slapped you twice accross the face. I know it was wrong. I begged you to forgive me. I cried and pleaded. Still, I was pregnant at the time in Marbella Spain, and you had the tickets and said you were leaving me there. You started to pack. How do you leave your pregnant fiance in a foreign country exactly? What did I do? Oh, that's right, I ws taking a shower and you got pissed for god only knows what. That's right. That's what I did. I showered. The second time I slapped you was because you told me to take our son and leave your home because I fired our housekeeper. You said she was a better woman than I'd ever be, and that I needed to be "humbled" was your exact phrase. You succeeded. You got what you wanted. I am. Do you feel better now? Was this moment everything you wished it would be? Do you glow and radiate now that I wither humbly. Well guess what? That girl is long gone. Not me. Not here. Not in MY HOUSE. Max's mom doesn't wither. She stands strong. She knows she made mistakes, and she did everything she could to show you she was sorry. She is moving on now. She is moving on to her son.

What of you? Off to another holiday cruise? Singles cruise again? One of these days you'll see that your son needs you to face things and live them out loud. Not run away and holiday. Vacation because "its hard." Yes. It is hard. Go. You get to go. I want you to go. Just give me our son. He needs stability, someone who could also vacation if she wanted, but chooses NOT to because life is here and someone has to man the front lines with our baby. I'm happy to do it, believe me. Your instability plagues your life and your loved ones, and I'll go down split in 1/2 broken and bloodied before I EVER LET OUR SON EXPERIENCE THE PAIN YOU INFLICT UPON EVERYONE CLOSE TO YOU.


Do I have an anger problem? Hell no. You have manipulated every therapist we have gone to. YOU LIE. I watched you. Everyone that comes near you has litigated against you. You ex wife, your adopted son -god bless him,- your brothers. Both of them. On the 20th you have a formal Xmas party to go to, and you'll be parading your ex around like she's so menopausal sheek. Good. Have fun. But can you leave Max with me instead of being a jacka** and keeping him with "nanny?" Its in AC for crying out loud! Be a sport, give me our son.


You don't even mean it though. This is the tragedy. You actually mean what you say when you said it. Every house you put a deposit on for us, all three of them, you really MEANT to buy. Every time you wanted me back, you MEANT it then, every time you wanted your ex back, you MEANT it then, and when you filed for full custody, you MEANT it then.


You cannot be honest with yourself. Not because you are unwilling, but because you are unable to be. Filing for full custody makes you right. It says, "see. she's crazy." and when its all over, your nanny ---that does your taxes that works for your company that gave you BJs and blackmailed you with that monica lewinsky dress 4 years ago when you were with your ex----that blows my husband and holds my son--that nanny-- will raise our son and you will continue to galavant around because you have money, without a damn care in the world. But when you ARE around, brunching with your old mistress turned nanny, your ex wife, and MY son on a sunday morning is beyond whacked. Just like when you forwarded me that email from your old mistress, advising you on your ex wife, with your current wife, who is leaving you because of your ex wife...you know, I can't even follow it because you are so whacked out. Somehow it makes sense, but not to me, not in this world.


I plan on telling the stone truth. You will WANT to tell the truth, but you cannot because you LIVE lies not just tell them. God help our baby. I will protect this child. I don't want to keep him from you, but you will NEVER be able to raise him appropriately. Look at your life. Look at your values. Look at your reasoning. Every other weekend, and weekdays, and YOU BE WITH HIM NOT A NANNY. HE NEEDS HIS FATHER AND YOU ARE HIS FATHER. MAN UP AND STEP UP. STOP HIDING AND ACCUSING, STOP DRAMA KINGING.


Its time to put this aside and face up. I wish you the best. I wish you happiness. Sincerely, if you are happy you will be a better father. But as God is my witness, I will sell all I have except my soul to protect our baby, because at then end of the day, you meaning well is actually quite sweet, and I know you LOVE our SON to death....I know...but all around you is devastated and cloaked in French Riccocco decor.


I will always love you. I gave you everything. Except our son.

God protect you and our baby. God heal my heart and protect it from bitterness. God give me the strength to battle a deluded millionaire with a bank account, time, and an agenda. God help us all.


I tattooed Integrity and Honor on the back of my neck.

I earned them for our son.

Respect will not be tattooed on my neck.

Respect will be permanently tattooed in the mind of our son.

Respect for Me. And for You. And for Himself.


That's how I roll.

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Thank you everyone for your kind words. yes, it was cleansing to write it. I didn't send it to him. I think I am at the point where I realize it doesn't matter. Ever notice the difference between recognizing and realizing something? Realizing is so much stronger. Recognizing means your still in it to a point I guess. I dunno. I'm spiritually on the mend. i just don't know what to do when I have to see him Xmas and he drops my son off. I've gone NC for 16 days once. Now its been 7 days. By Xmas it will be 13. The "nanny" usually transports my son because our lawyers set it up. UGH. I don't know what to do when he will come. How the best way to handle it? Advice?

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