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No problem with NC - Why? 11 years - he left


Steve1

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Together 11 years. I knew he was the one immediately - more on this in another post later. Mostly good relationship - got ugly at times in past year and a half but we were getting through it.

 

He left me for about a month at 1 year, 5 years, and now just after 11 years together. Every time it was right around Thanksgiving that he left.

 

I came home to a note that said:

Steve,

I have left

It's for the best, as we both know

(then he signed his first name).

 

He acted normal right through that morning. I kissed him goodbye and went to work. Even did laundry that was still in the dryer when I got home.

 

He only took a few clothes and personal documents. Did not take any of our pets with him - he really loves our pets.

 

We barely live paycheck to paycheck so he has no savings - no money - more about all of this later.

 

When he left me those 2 times before, I immediately did all that I could to contact him, even moved over 1,000 miles to be in the same city that he moved to - and we were back together within a month.

 

I was looking forward to coming home to him after work that day - that is usually the case. We fought/argued no more than usual - but had a lot of fun and generally good times the few days leading to him leaving. The arguing was not really out of the ordinary for us.

 

I have been grieving intensely - it is only 3 weeks today. I felt very secure that we were going to grow old together - work through our problems - live life together. I am doing the grief though, and writing numerous pages in a journal to process this.

 

For whatever reason I have not had an overwhelming desire to contact him at all. I cannot explain this.

 

He decided to leave. I feel that he needs to want to come back if this could work. Knowing this would not normally be enough for me to just not try to contact him.

 

Realistically, I would take him back immediately but I feel that maybe I could not - don't even know how I could think this, but I am just beside myself with grieving and I don't want to have to live the rest of my life with that underlying fear that I might come home to a note again - but I know that nothing is guaranteed. I really knew that I was set with him.

 

He tried to call me one week after he left - around 2 am - I missed the call and tried to call back - no answer. I have not attempted to contact him since then. He has moved back with his family - over 1,000 miles away from where I live now.

 

One other thing - I may never know what this means but I have analyzed the hell out of it - He took the mailbox key off his keychain and left it for me, but he kept his set of apartment door keys and main entry/gate keys - he had no reason to keep those keys. He moved out of the State.

 

I do feel that if he were to never try to contact me ever again, I think it might get really difficult to maintain NC.

 

Thoughts, experience on this?

 

Thank you

 

Steve

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if he leaves every time about thanksgiving, do you think he is bending to family influence. I find that when things are going pretty okay and one partner has a reaction that is way over the top based on what is actually occurring, sometimes they could have been talking things over with friends or family and it influences them to act.

 

I think that if he is that unpredictable, you are better off not contacting him. It seems like you chased him before and maybe he thinks you will do it again.

 

I would just concentrate on your own life and if he contacts you again, be careful about instantly getting back together with him. I would keep him at arm's length.

 

the apartment door keys may or may not mean anything. Out of habit he might have just neglected to give them to you or even think about them. Not sure about that one. I would consider changing the lock unless you knew for sure he was really out there with his family because he could come back when you are not home and take what he wants. It seems that he doesn't want the responsibility/couldn't take them on a plane anyhow if that is his mode of transportation as far as the pets go.

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My boyfriend and I were only together 1.5 years but he also moved out without a word- that was four months ago and I grieved for a while but then I realized that I don't deserve to be treated like that- nobody does. He had threatened to leave, and to leave like that, many times before and I see now that the stress and instability were completely breaking me down- I'm a different person after all this, happy and relaxed instead of anxious and worried. For me, "the one" has to be someone who doesn't pull the rug out from under your life because it suits them that day. Bad things have to leave your life to make room for the good.

 

I understand things are different for you because you have invested so much time in being with this person but you need to think about you and what you want for your life- this person is not the only person for you and it may be painful and difficult but letting go right now may mean that one day you find something really beautiful. Maybe after this he will decide he really does love you/want to be with you and you can completely start over to make something better but it's going to require a complete break and a complete fresh start, and it's only going to work if it comes entirely from him. Or maybe you will grieve him and then one day meet someone really beautiful & loving- life is a beautiful set of possibilities, sometimes it is hard to see that but if you hold on to the wrong things there's no room for the right ones.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds too opinionated or bossy- but you deserve better.

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>>

 

That is exactly how it happens. Two of his sisters, both successful with their careers but otherwise serious alcoholics are the ones that have been instrumental in convincing him to leave and then trying to keep us apart after he has left.

 

While they would never admit to this, I believe there is some homophobia based on sister's religious beliefs going on here - that she believes that our relationship is not as valuable anyway.

 

Two weeks before he left I got a drunken call from one of his sisters. She also left messages for him to call her back - slurred and drunk messages. She ended up saying something to me related to a personal thing that you just do not need to share with family members when talking about your spouse - her intent was to try to make me feel ashamed but I was not. The fact that she used it though really upset me.

 

I went home and confronted Mark about the call - he got very defensive and started screaming at me and packing some stuff. Said he was leaving and that I would never hear from him or see him again.

 

Within a few hours that argument was over and we were fine. These arguments and threats to leave, even packing a bag happened maybe every 2 -3 months but we both knew that we were not going to act on it.

 

Then we went on with life and we were really having a good time those last few days. Talking about family and general things. Financially things were just starting to stabilize and improve - something that has not happened for the past few years for us.

 

I remember that his sister left another message about one week before he left accusing me of not giving him the message that she called - as if I was trying to keep him away from his family.

 

Families and friends are often very instrumental in the uncoupling process. I remember when my brother's wife left him for about a month - everyone in my family has had their own relationship issues and we know that we need to reserve judgment in these issues - my sister called my brother's wife shortly after she left our brother and said "we don't know what is going on, we just want you to know that we care about you too and we are here for you." That should be the extent of family involvement in most relationship problems.

 

Things were very stressful this past year and a half - getting ugly sometimes, but we have been through bad times and weathered them. We even talked about how much we have been through together - that we were strong and would get through it.

 

>>

 

In a recent argument he said "you better not follow me again or try to contact me if I leave."

 

When we had arguments with threats to leave the other one of us would remind us both that we were not really going to do that and to just leave that threat out of the argument.

 

>>

 

I wont know what I will do when that day comes. Most likely we would get back together. I am focusing on my own life right now - which is mostly showing up to work, taking care of the animals, and going through major grieving.

 

>>

 

He had to take the time to remove the mail key from his keychain because we only had one of those keys - why not just leave all of the keys?

 

>>

 

He could have whatever he wants in the apartment - it was ours. He could have taken whatever he wanted the day he left - I was at work - I do 12 to 16 hour shifts. I am not worried about that.

 

I just don't know why I do not have the overwhelming desire to try to contact him.

 

Thank you for the reply, advice, and support.

 

Steve

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Steve,

 

Maybe its just me, but I don't think it has anything to do with homophobia. He comes from an alcoholic family and is probably (well clearly to me) very codependent. It is very likely that let's just say just for the sake of argument that he wasn't gay - if he was with a woman his sisters, etc would STILL behave in the way they do.

 

My husband's family did EXACTLY what you are stating - accusing me of erasing or not giving him messages or controlling their contact with him. Sometimes, quite frankly, I would tell him but he wouldn't feel like talking to them and not return their call and then I would get the blame from them. When he was vulnerable after/during an illness they really zoned in on him and convinced him that I caused his illness. (even though his father ultimately died of the same illness....genetic!!)

 

My sister in law also were like his sisters. She didn't have a drinking problem, but sort of felt that I was no good. She wanted to hand pick who he was with so she could control every aspect of his life. And when she saw that I wasn't about to be controlled by her or be her spy on him, she tried to create a wedge between us.

 

Ultimately, he left me, but I never saw us getting back together - when I heard myself saying I would never have kids because I would never want to bring someone else into that family and subject them to all of that...then I wondered why I had subjected myself to all of that and he stopped protecting me also and i couldn't live like that.

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