My head is 'a spinnin'..whoops, catch that head please!

[amber77]

Same day, same problems...My husband and I didn't speak this morning as he was leaving for work. Apparently nothing was accomplished the hours we stayed up talking...rather ME talking as he looked away as if he was completely toning me out. That's all I get from him..no communication. When I express the hurt he has caused me, he says nothing..maybe a forced "sorry", but that's it. It's as if he truly DOES NOT care. I expressed to him that if I ever do anything to hurt him he expects me to bend over backwards to fix the hurt I caused him and he wants to continually throw into my face something that happened a year ago, yet when he does anything at all to me, it's like he expects me to turn a blind eye to it and just suck it up. My husband is extremely intelligent, he is highly goal oriented and very passionate about his line of work...he will spend hours trying to fix work related problems and run his mind ragged thinking of was to solve issues within his work. When it comes to our marriage, he seems to have NONE of the passion to repair our relationship that I see he is capable of having with other things. His way of thinking is..."everyone does wrong but himself". If someone does something to him, they have to pay for it the rest of their life, if HE does something, shut the hell up about it. Instead of communicating with me and putting forth effort to repair our problems, his answer is to just end our marriage...then he'll say he wants it to work. If he wants it to work, WHY can't he do his part as well? Why is it all laying on my shoulders?

 

Sorry for the length and random ramblings...I'm still at a complete loss. I'm the "go to girl" within my small circle of friends to come to for advice and quit honestly had a friend of mine came to me with the issues I am having I would tell her to cut her ties, he's never going to change because he don't want to...but I CAN'T DO THAT. I don't want to end this marriage. I sit back and hope things will change..that he'd learn to communicate and we can move past all the things that is holding us back from having a healthy marriage. He did say to me last night that he is and will always be emotionally disconnected basically..that he's as mentally **cked up as everyone and he can't change that...why can't he? Why does he constantly want to excuse his actions and make no effort to change when he expects everyone else to change to please him? How can he be the sweetest, most loving caring man one day and the next cut me to pieces and then stalk off and show me he doesn't care two @*#! as to what it did to me?

 

....yep, that's my head you see rolling around on the floor. Don't step on it please.

 

Any advice here? Aside from marriage counseling (which I know he won't do) and leaving my husband (which I'm sure most would tell me to do) What are the other options?

[abitbroken]

I was married to someone like that. The difference is that he would start communicating, but he felt that life was all about what people "did to him" throughout life and he hardly did anything wrong. He was always cast as the guy who did the right thing and took the fall for everyone else. It was fine when we were first dating, but then later on into the relationship, the blame started not just being in the past, but affecting me. If the house was dirty it was because *I* didn't clean it. If a bill was paid early it was because of his dilligence and if it was late it was my fault.

 

My husband was the youngest in the family and his family to his face told him what crap he was, but to outsiders they said how perfect he was. So he was down on himself sometimes, but mostly learned that to get results out of people closest to you, you crush their spirit and yell at them/tough love and then he says that he is the one who knows all or is more experienced.

 

The best thing you can do is to go to counseling yourself as you can only change yourself. When you react differently, he will notice but it is not about him, it is for your own well being.

 

Also, you can learn to nip things in the bud. A friend of mine told me when she was younger, she would yell at and belittle her husband because that is what she learned growing up and her husband said "i am not going to listen when you belittle me like that." and he started a project and walked away and she realized what she was doing and she stopped with her husband's support. It is not a "talk" you have with your husband, but should be matter of fact and should be said emotionlessly - not with tears or expecting a reaction. I woudn't recommend perhaps saying that right now, but when you get your bearings.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Amber ..when your husband gets on you about the past- do you defend what happened over and over again?

[FarthestEdge]

Get counselling for yourself to determine how to live with someone like this in a way that won't damage you further.

 

Recognize that his reactions and hurtful words are about HIM not you.

 

My DH is a great guy, a really great guy. I can't say this enough. But when he is in an intolerable and frustrating situation, it is his INSTINCT to try to intimidate and bully. He also tends to verbally "hit below the belt" and say mean things in extreme situations.

 

I learned a long time ago, that when he says something hurtful like that to me, it isn't how he feels about me, it's him lashing out in frustration. Water off a ducks back...it simply doesn't get to me. I stood up to the "bully" a long time ago, and since it no longer has any effect on me, he doesn't do it very often.

 

Instead I recognize that he's frustrated to the point that he doesn't know what to do. So I take a step back, and try instead to talk through it with him, or give him the space he needs to calm down.

 

And you know what? Because I don't overreact if he lashes out, he will now come and apologize for being a jerk. I thank him and let it go. I let him do it on his terms, and he always figures out when he's calm the times he's truly stepped over the line.

 

You can't control what he says/does. You can only control your reaction to it. If you are determined to stay in your marriage (and good for you for wanting to keep your family together), then the only thing you can do is to decide how you need to perceive his behaviour so that it is not damaging to you.

 

Good luck

[amber77]

Amber ..when your husband gets on you about the past- do you defend what happened over and over again?

 

I do at times and then at other times I tell him that he is just choosing to continue to distrust me although I have proven myself to him over and over that he CAN trust me (he admits I have as well)...I don't know if it's because he wants to always hold it over my head so he can be the "victim"... ?