Came Full Circle Right back to here.

[Amasa]

So I used to be on here a lot. My soulmate had dumped me and I pined over how to get him back for 5 years. Even though we had no contact in that time. Then one day I saw him, and we started talking, and we got back together and we lived happily ever after.... I wish.

We got back together, and we had 2 kids and we bought a house, and we work together. It was great, he was a great father our relationship was great... blah blah blah The biggest problem we had was whenever a big event happened, he freaked out. We moved in together, he freaked. We got pregnant, he freaks. When I was very pregnant he freaked again.

Anyway when I was pregnant with #2 he started changing and seeming unhappy. Our kids are pretty close together and we were pretty poor and it was incredibly stressful. So I have #2 and... he freaks but he never stopped freaking out. We fought alot right after she was born and I couldn't get him to come home from the bar. Then when she was jsut 3 months old he moved in with his mom because he couldn't take the fighting. Started drinking all the time. We started getting along again and he was coming home... Everything started to get better. So this went on for like 6 months, then I decided that he had enough freak out time he needed to live at home and help with the kids. (PS. he helps with $$ through the whole thing so that's a non issue)

He says he wants to come back, he loves me so much, he's just sensitive and he doesn't want to get hurt. So the next week totally randomly he says that he's just in it for the kids he doesn't love me and he can't come home. He also starts threatening that i need to move somewhere cheaper so he won't have to help so much.

So I say fine. I take the kids I move to a new house that we rented. Two days after that we have a natural disaster and my house with all my stuff is destroyed. During the actual disaster he text makes sure everything is ok. Then we didn't have electricity for a week and he doesn't check on us at all. Our kids are still babies btw and he doesn't know where we are.

So after a few days I call his sister and tell her I need stuff, we don't have anything. So she finds Mr. Wonderful at a party and makes him go buy diapers for us. I was kinda upset about all this so besides business we didn't really talk for a month.

Then a week before our daughters first b-day he shows up with a big nasty hickey on his neck. We didn't talk some more.

But we work together so I have to call him like 6 times a day. I basically dispatch to him so I calll him about what he's doing all the time. He starts making up reasons for us to be around each other at work. But then there is stuff like condoms and girls sunglasses in his work car. I ask about her and sometimes she's totally unimportant and sometimes it's his gf.

So I finally got on my feet enough to get another place. He says he wants to help. But then the day we are moving he shows up obviously hung over. Then he tries to lie about it. So I call him and tell him that I can't stand lying. And he says he's trying so hard to prove to me that he is not an alcoholic and he hasn't drank in a month. Which I'm thinking why does he care what I think. SO he didn't help move. But I had to purchase almost everything new when I got here and he was all about helping wiht that.

We also started talking about the relationship, and whatever I said I was having a problem with he would fix. (ie I said he wasn't respectful of my time... he changed his behavior to be respectful of my time)

So after some of that we ended up sleeping together and he cried. Which he's not a baby, this is like the 3rd time I've seen him cry ever. But I didn't bring it up. But AFTER (I know I'm an idiot) I asked about the gf. HE says they are still together. So I kicked him out of my house.

But I tell him I feel like I'm dating 2 people and I have no idea what is going on. So I ask him to explain his feelings during all of the above since his actions are soooo crazy. He sends me an email and blames everything on me. All of the above according to him is my fault. So I ask why he's blaming me. He says he's not, and it doesn't matter anyway because it's not like we're getting back together.

THEN he started saying he wants to be friends. That he misses me and he want's me in his life. Blah blah blha. So I told him that since we've already been together since it's been over that we have to consider that we'll end up back together. And that we couldn't be friends until he got rid of the gf and until he could accept some blame for any of the stuff listed above. And until then NC. Except we still work together and have kids and I see him everyday. I try to email instead of talk, because that's how I get sucked in. But he won't email me back.... he calls.

 

 

So that is my whole lengthy story of how I ended up right back here + 2kids. SO what should I do now?????

[waveseer]

Find another job.

[Amasa]

The job is a big intertwind mess too. WE own a small company. Neither of us are willing to walk away. While I was living in the house still we both tried to push each other really hard to walk away. Neither of us would.

So we are both stuck in it.

I know I know The War of the Roses is popping into your head right now.

[waveseer]

You do know how The War of the Roses ends, right? If you want things to change you will have to change something.

[Amasa]

I do know. But I'm struggling with all kinds of issues with that. Just from my kids perspective. In the last six months they have lost their home twice. Their parents aren't together anymore. We had to go stay with family and now we just got into a safe steady place for them. Other family members lost their houses too so everything is in upheaval. Ohh and they lost everything in the world that they own.

One of the big reasons I don't do it, yet anyway, is because I don't think after all that they should be put in daycare and lose mommy who stays home with them right now. They have had no normalicy in so long and it is really sad to watch a 2 y/o try and deal with all the loss she has suffered. I just can't put them through another big life change right now.

 

And that's just them there are also a bunch of other reasons too.

 

 

I hear what your saying. I just think it would be selfish of me to do that right now. Maybe in six months after everything calms down. Maybe after they have re-built the city I live in so I could get another job..... ect.

[waveseer]

I can totally understand why you wish to put your children first and I agree that they are your priority. Isn't there some way you can do the same type of work the same way but for someone else? Wouldn't it be worth it?

[Amasa]

No there's not another job like this I can do from home. I am putting the older one in preschool a couple of days a week starting next month so I can transition her with out it being such a big deal to her. The baby is still little so I'm hoping it hasn't affected her as much.

 

But that is still going to be a slow process and Mr. Wonderful is constant drama.

[waveseer]

No there's not another job like this I can do from home. I am putting the older one in preschool a couple of days a week starting next month so I can transition her with out it being such a big deal to her. The baby is still little so I'm hoping it hasn't affected her as much.

 

But that is still going to be a slow process and Mr. Wonderful is constant drama.

 

So, in order to keep your sanity amongst the chaos, why don't you make a five year plan of which the ultimate goal is to unhitch your wagon from this man. If you have little goals to meet along the way (like starting the older one in preschool), then you will be able to track your progress and feel better all the time. His antics will cease to disturb and disrupt you as much.

[Amasa]

That's the plan, to get out of this crazy crazy mess. But he's just so charismatic. I can't help not talking to him. even tonight when he dropped the kids back off. He starts with some important info he needs to share about one of the girls. Sits down on the couch. Then he tells a story about something really cute they did and then there we are having a converstation.

 

I can't be a hard core b**ch the whole time. I'm just trying to be civil and he just slides right in. Even when I am being mean, he'll still come in sit on the couch. I ignore him, he still hangs out for a little while.

I even think he has his family convinced we are trying to work it out so they don't give him crap about the crappy person he has become. He is such a great dad (dripping w sarcasm) that "we" he, I,and his whole fam have to go to all the christmas functions together. He creates all of these things. And I can't be mean, but I can't get out of it either.

On Thanksgiving I went and the whole time he follows me around like a little puppy. and because I'm ignoring him I look mean. One of the Grandmas even asked me if I missed living in "our" house. (which btw was not touched by the Natural Disaster so I'm kinda bitter about the whole moving out and losing all my stuff) And I have to go to Christmas and do the exact same thing.

 

I know I'm supposed to being NC. Simple enough, it's just not working out in actual practice.

[loulee]

Find another job.

 

I second this comment...and ASAP.......I cant even imagine the confused state your children must be in! ..I am confused just after reading about this totally dysfunctional relationship....Walk away and find happiness on your own...your children alone deserve better than this and if you like yourself enough you will realise that you do also..

[grashamm]

If someone hasn't already said this, take him to court get your alimony and child support, and teach him to be a man. Or break ALL ties.

 

ur kids r prolly wondering why u r happy one day and sad the next, get away from this "manipulator'

 

I KNOW GUYS LIKE THAT, THEY USUALLY GET THEIR ASSES KICKED BY HONEST GUYS. Funny how women think "Mr. Wonderful, but men think "Mr. POS" trust your judgement, it is usually right, specially if u r the responsible one.

 

Good Luck, you sound like you already know the right answer for you, but are looking for validation.

 

Although I didn't have it as rough, check my threads. Truly loving someone who does not love you is never easy.

 

Cut ties. For now. HEAL.

[Amasa]

I know I glossed over it in the original thread. But we were together for 3 years the first time. And when we broke up it was ALL because of me. I had a bad habit of throwing stuff when we got into a fight. Glass stuff.... his glass stuff.... at him. I was really immature. But we were pretty young.

 

So I grew up and really put some effort into changing some of the bad things I was doing. When we got back together he told me that he has never loved anyone but me. He didn't seriously date anyone while we were apart. He never introduced a gf to his family while I was gone. We are soul mates, at least I thought we were and so did he.

 

 

 

 

When we hooked up the second time we were together for over 5 years total. And besides the freakouts, which were a one day thing each time until the last time ( which his reluctance after the way I acted the first time was understandable) we were the digusting couple that annoyed everybody with our perfectness. He was a shining example of a good dad, a good mate. We were engaged and I was the one who wanted to wait on the wedding.

When daughter #2 was born and he started acting up EVERYONE was surprised. Not one person has ever said " I know it's hard but there were signs". Most people had decided he had cracked under the pressure even his mom thought he was having some sort of mid-life crisis early. All I ever hear is how shocked everyone is that he acted that way and that he continues to act that way.

So right? if he hadn't done a total personality flip flop I could just totally pull the rug. But what if he's having a meltdown and went to far and doesn't know how to get back? What if he's developed an honest psychological disorder of some sort?

I know I can't stay there for it anymore. But what if my loving rational partner shows back up one day?????

[loulee]

Your loving rational partner will not magically appear in your life again unless

1. He has reached a point where he acknowledges he has a problem, shows remorse and guilt...

 

2. he has independently sought help or has asked someone close to him to seek help for/with him.

3. He has time on his own to seek help and work towards making these changes..I hope that this happens..to date he has fallen a long way from a loving man with a family and responsibilities...Im sorry for your situation I can only hope it will improve.