Jump to content

Ever feel like just finding a FWB???


renaissancewoman101
Dating Someone Not Attracted To - D...
Dating Someone Not Attracted To - Do It!

Recommended Posts

Yeah, ever feel like that? Esp after a long dry spell of not having dates or guys interested in you for dating.

 

Part of me is sitting on the fencepost about this subject. Recently I had told you about the swinger guy who is interested in me and interested in dating me, but I find his lifestyle a bit hard to swallow. I know he wants to sleep with me. He's isn't rude or crass about it, but we did talk about that via texting recently. I still chat/text with him on occasions. He's wanted to meet up again. We did go on a date about a week ago. I've been afraid/reluctant to. Not sure why. He tells me he is into safe sex, which is a GOOD thing, and some days I am so dang horny, I just want some.

 

But, I'm afraid. Maybe afraid I'd get attached. I dunno. I have enough issues dealing with my best friend (crazy first ex), that I'm not sure if having a true, bona-fide bf would even be possible. Whoever would date me, would have to understand my close friendship with my first ex. Not all guys can deal well with that.

 

I also am afraid to have a sexual relationship with him, based on the fact that he also runs in the same social circles I do, which is not always a good thing.

 

For those who have wanted to find a FWB, how do you do it, with least risk to yourself health-wise and emotional-wise?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 105
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Hmmm... I've been successful at having FWB, but for only short periods of time. But, it's just my personality that I longed for more connection, especially since the friends part was there first before the benefits, so it was hard for me to separate that all out.

 

The only way you can really do it, is if you are sure you aren't hoping to reel him in as more later, and if you actually are confident you don't want to be in a relationship with this person. Then it is possible. But from reading your posts, it seems like you want more... I mean, if you can make it into a one night stand or two, there is nothing wrong with that... but I don't recommend a long term kind of FWB thing if you have any doubts about it, it usually... for me, long term FWB gets messed up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's a tempting thought sometimes, but I wouldn't go through with it because it isn't worth it to me. Sex without emotion hurts too much.

 

I've never been able to pull off the "sex without emotions". Maybe now that I'm a bit older and more mature, I might be able to. I dunno.

 

It seems a lot of girls can do it.

 

Volpe, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be in a long-term relationship with this guy. His swinger lifestyle is something I don't like.

 

I want more than a ONS or FWB with someone (not with this guy though), but my prospects haven't exactly been appearing. Part of me is also hurt because the guy I do really like and am attracted to, he only sees me as a "friend" and from the times I've hung out with him, fenced with him, etc., I don't see that he likes me any other than as a friend.

 

A while back, I did a FWB that lasted a few months. That ended messily and with me falling in love with him. I tried to save the friendship but it died out somehow. Something I still try to come to grips with

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've never been able to pull off the "sex without emotions". Maybe now that I'm a bit older and more mature, I might be able to. I dunno.

 

It seems a lot of girls can do it.

 

I actually could do it when I was experimenting with sex at high school age and as I got older I was less and less capable of keeping emotions out of it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've never been able to pull off the "sex without emotions". Maybe now that I'm a bit older and more mature, I might be able to. I dunno.

 

It seems a lot of girls can do it.

 

Well this is your answer... if you can't do it, you can't do it... I'm sorry... I know it sucks... it sucks for me too, I've had a couple of really HOT sexual partners, but I just couldn't take it only being sexual and I ended it. It sucks!!:sad:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Volpe, I have a hard time ending things. I usually wait till the other party "ends" it and I am stuck with some hurt feelings and lingering emotions. Maybe since I'm older and more cynical, this won't happen to me.

 

I dunno.

 

A thread by hersmudders (that I recently read) got me thinking again about this. She's such a strong gal.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am in that situation, Ren. I am looking for either a boyfriend or a FWB. I don't care which at this point. A girl's gotta eat. I want a boyfriend b/c I want the closeness, the laughter, the sharing stories, the sex, oh the regular sex. I want a FWB just to get some. Regularly.

 

I hav eno problem separating emotions from sex. It's just easy for me. To be honest, I'm not really sure how I do it--it's just something I tell myself I need to do and I do it. My current FWB (which I'm actually in the market for a new one) just really sucks in bed and I don't like him much as a person, so it's easy to go over there, get mine (if you can call it that with him), and leave and not wonder about him the next day.

 

I just find a guy I know I wouldn't want a relationship with and go for the sex. It's not hard really. Some things are major deal breakers for me: Does he want kids? If yes, then he's not long-term potential for me (but if he's good looking and the chemistry is otherwise there, we can sleep together--protected of course!). That's the only one I can think of now.

 

Anyway, that's how I do it. I don't know if that helps or not.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

well, once I had sex with this person and we both agreed never to call each other again after. it's not a bad idea, if you know you are the type to get attached and just want to get some to take the edge off for a little while. the hard part is to still not call, but if it's someone you don't want anything with really, it's possible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

A thread by hersmudders (that I recently read) got me thinking again about this. She's such a strong gal.

 

Haha, if you only knew. When dude canceled on me tonight, I got sad, went to Target, bought "Mamma Mia" and brownies and baked them while singing Abba songs along to the DVD. I just miss having someone want me, whether it's a FWB or a boyfriend. It's nice to be wanted, you know? If I don't know I'm wanted in one way or another, I tend to feel more insecure.

 

Which is why I think my job (dog walking/pet sitting) is so perfect for me; I walk into a house, and the dog is so happy to see me that it can't contain itself--it's spinning in circles, jumping, wagging its tail so hard that its whole body is shaking. I pretend they are thinking that they have been waiting for me all day and they are thrilled that I'm there b/c they love me so much. I know that may sound stupid, but it really helps my self-esteem a lot, knowing that I'm wanted like that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hersmudders, thanks for chiming in. Your thread kind of was the catalyst for this thread. I am seeking the same thing you are. I just have a healthy fear of catching diseases, that is also why I am reluctant.

 

I also am such an emotional and somewhat "clingy" person and I can attach easily. I do know that I can also not care too, esp since lately, I feel cynical about life.

 

When you go out and spend time with your "FWB", do you ever find the sex hollow and meaningless? Also, would you ever stay the night with your FWB? Just curious.

 

My life is a jumbled up mess. Yes, I am going out there, meeting new people, making new friends, etc., but then I also am still attached to my crazy first ex (also best friend) and I spend a lot of time with him and his bf. If I do find another relationship, that guy is going to have to deal with my close friendship with my first ex, and I'm not sure if most guys can deal with that, nor would I just leave my best friend either.

 

The holidays bring out the emotions in me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Volpe, if I do go the FWB route, I tend to like to find someone where I can get sex on a consistent basis (like 1-2 times a week), and the sex has to be good. ONS are not something I deal well with.

 

Hersmudders, I understand perfectly how you feel. I want to feel "wanted" too. The last time I felt wanted and cherished was about three years ago, when I first moved out here. That was an amazing thing and I miss it a lot and wonder why it left. Yeah.

 

Sometimes, even with my crazy best friend, first ex, when he leans on me and depends on me emotionally, I feel happy and needed and it builds me up in a weird way. And he is always constantly needing me for one thing or another

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When I was typing my first response (before I saw the shout out you did for me), I was going to point you to my thread.

 

My current FWB isn't really a "friend". I mean, when I go to his place, the sex and all that is over within 10 minutes (god he sucks) and then we chat for a little while. The other night I was there about 2 hours. We chatted in bed, still naked, about things, dates he has coming up, what I've been up to, etc. He took pictures of me and my dog for our holiday card. That's all I've done with him outside of the bedroom, really. Well, once we watched a movie. That was it.

 

I don't stay the night at any FWBs house b/c that is where it can get emotional. If you sleep next to them, you have a chance of spooning with them or cuddling or something. Cuddle=emotion. Don't fall into that. Let it be strictly physical. Go over, do your thing, leave. That's how I've done it. I'll watch movies or grab a bite with someone, but the intention is just sex.

 

All in all, the more time you spend with the person, the better chance you have for getting emotional. If you want sex 1-2 times a week, what's stopping that from being an actual relationship? Spread it out if you don't want to get emotional. My FWB calls me every couple of weeks. Meanwhile we are both out there still trying to date and/or sleep with others. We use protection, so no worries.

 

I feel you on the holidays. I spend holidays alone with my job. I'm trying to make more friends. It's hard. I'm introverted; I like my alone time. But sometimes it gets to me and I want out of that. I'd rather have a life with one person than out there with a million friends who don't mean that much to me. I like the closeness and stuff that comes with it. Nothing better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Which is why I think my job (dog walking/pet sitting) is so perfect for me; I walk into a house, and the dog is so happy to see me that it can't contain itself--it's spinning in circles, jumping, wagging its tail so hard that its whole body is shaking. I pretend they are thinking that they have been waiting for me all day and they are thrilled that I'm there b/c they love me so much. I know that may sound stupid, but it really helps my self-esteem a lot, knowing that I'm wanted like that.

 

I know what you mean. I have guinea pigs and when I come home, they are chirping at me, running around the cage and standing up on their hind legs, begging me for a chin rub and some treats. Always cheers me right up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have done the FWB thing and the problem was that the guy wanted more and I didn't so it ended. My belief is that this always happens...one person always wants more and either they don't express it and end up hurt or they do express it and end up hurt.

 

But then, sex has never been a hugely important thing to me and I guess I don't really have that craving to be near someone. I am seeing someone right now, but when I was single I wasn't really in need of anything. So, I guess if you are then I can see why an FWB might be appealing. But I've sworn off them, personally...too much drama.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Hersmudders, I understand perfectly how you feel. I want to feel "wanted" too. The last time I felt wanted and cherished was about three years ago, when I first moved out here. That was an amazing thing and I miss it a lot and wonder why it left. Yeah.

 

 

I am not sure if you have read my threads about moving home; you may have. Every time I go home, I don't want to leave. I remember suddenly what it's like to have friends, to have people want to see me, to be able to juggle seeing a bunch of people and being social in a short time. I love it. I'm going home on 12/31 and staying till 1/4. That's going to be fantastic. I can't wait b/c it's a long weekend. I won't have to rush and see each person for just an hour or so. I can take my time. And I know I'll want to move back again, but I just can't yet (not with the job market the way it is everywhere, since I can't take my business down there).

 

Nothing has ever come close to comparing to the friendships I have back home in FL. Not even the dogs who are so happy to see me when I walk in the door.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What's wrong with kissing and cuddling a FWB?

 

Emotion comes into play. The other night while having sex with my FWB, he grabbed my hand and held it--not in a forceful way to hold it so I couldn't use it, but just to hold it. It was too intimate for me. Just that little move made me feel like he could possibly want mre, even though I know he doesn;t.

 

In that movie "Pretty Woman", the one hooker tells Julia Roberts not to kiss her johns on the mouth b/c it gets them confused and causes too many problems. It really does. I of course kiss my FWB but I don't think of him other than as a sex partner so I don't get attached to him by kissing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's been a long time, for me, too. And it's getting pretty hard to bear.

 

Hard enough that I've considered the notion, with a couple of people that I've been semi or fully intimate with in the past, who are currently unattached, and with whom I know a relationship would be a dead end...since I don't feel we have any future together.

 

And I've thought about this:

 

I usually wait till the other party "ends" it and I am stuck with some hurt feelings and lingering emotions. Maybe since I'm older and more cynical, this won't happen to me.

 

I've found myself thinking, "Maybe now that I'm an experienced older broad who just needs to get laid, this could be okay."

 

Well. Who the heck am I kidding. Sex is, for me, and always will be, an extension of my love for someone because we relate. Because we really click on many other levels. Because I want all of him. Not just that part -- which to me is just mechanics without the rest.

 

I've tried the mechanics on its merits before, and it all sounded good before the fact. After (and even during) the fact, it rapidly lost its appeal and I felt the whole thing to be hollow.

 

As much as I'd like to think that I've become more "versatile" in my "use" of sex as I've gotten older, if anything, it just seems more pointless for the sake of itself than ever, when I really stop to think about going through the motions. Getting off with another human being that I'm not going to have a fuller experience with feels more pointless than ever. Whatever benefits I'd get from it would pale compared to the feeling of lack that it would bring up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hmm I must be weird cause my FWB and I do all that kissing and holding each other and stuff, it feels like the complete experience, you know except for the leaving the hotel part in the morning.

 

I wouldn't want it to feel too cold and unintimate.

 

I don't mind it being cold and unintimate. I'm there for a reason. Too feel good. To some sex feels good physicall and emotionally. I don't let the emotional feel good overtake the physical side of it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hmm I must be weird cause my FWB and I do all that kissing and holding each other and stuff, it feels like the complete experience

 

From my experience, this scenario is complete except for one thing: I'm not in love.

 

And that's everything to me.

 

I get into moods where I think maybe it's not. But it is.

 

Phooey.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hersmudders, the post you quoted me on, more has to do with me having a somewhat FWB when I first moved out here. Yes, when I first moved out here, I met someone rather quickly, whom I fell in love with, although it was somewhat more of a FWB that went awry. It ended in a bad way and left me with a bitter taste and a lot of memories that sometimes still cause a twinge in me. That was the last time I felt wanted and cherished and to this day, I still think he meant it, even though it was just only a friendship and I don't blame him for what happened.

 

Moving back to this state was like moving "home" to me, even though I don't live in the same city I grew up in.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hersmudders, the post you quoted me on, more has to do with me having a somewhat FWB when I first moved out here. Yes, when I first moved out here, I met someone rather quickly, whom I fell in love with, although it was somewhat more of a FWB that went awry. It ended in a bad way and left me with a bitter taste and a lot of memories that sometimes still cause a twinge in me. That was the last time I felt wanted and cherished and to this day, I still think he meant it, even though it was just only a friendship and I don't blame him for what happened.

 

Moving back to this state was like moving "home" to me, even though I don't live in the same city I grew up in.

 

Oh I misread it! I thought you were saying you haven't felt wanted since before you moved out there. My tylenol PM is kicking in so I'm a little loopy!

 

Really, having a FWB is all about self-protection. No one can make you feel inferior or unloved or unworthy or sad or angry or crushed or anything else unles syou let them!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...