breaking up - decided to do it today... hope making right decision

[Pappers]

I don't want to... but I know its for the best. It will hurt but I know if I keep going in the relationship it will only be harder.

 

I am starting to fall in love with him and last night I found out that his vision for the future likely involves moving back to where he is originally from (middle east) and raising children in islam. I have been completely fine with our interfaith and cultural relationship - have embraced it actually - but I'm not ok leaving the US. This also signals that he is in fact more religious than I thought and I begin to wonder if I'm just a trophy or a 'temporary' fling until he goes back home and finds a virgin arab girl to marry.

 

I'm really torn because he acts and treats me like he is head over heels in love - but then I don't seem to fit into any future.

 

I'm 27 and not prepared to waste my time on something that isn't progressing forward.

 

Dammit.... I really like him but there are just too many red flags.

](*,)

[Zeitgeist]

You've talked and are sure that this is a fixed plan? Does he ask you about your thoughts about it?

[shikashika]

well, if you are not feeling good about it, there is no point in keeping on.

 

Just curious, maybe he sees the fact that he's in the States right now as his compromie for you, and then you will compromise for him if you move to where he's from?

 

has he said other things which make you think you are a 'trophy' girlfriend?

 

Would you be fine at all with going to live where he is from? if you think about it, he is living where you want to right now. how long has he lived in the US?

 

Sorry I don't have enough background information to make a call on it.

 

however, from the title of your post, it sounds like you are making the decision. I just find it odd that you would decide to break up with someone when you say you are falling in love with him

 

Good luck with wahtever you decide to do!

[arwen]

Ugh, that's tough... It seems to me that you are making the right decision- one based on mostly rational considerations. I think that it will be very hard to live in the Middle East if you are a Western woman. Have you talked about this with him before, i.e. does he know that this is where you set the boundary?

[Pappers]

We haven't talked about our relationship specifically... but we have discussed what we want in life, where we want to go - and last night I asked him to the point will he stay in the US once he's done his residency. He said he didn't know, but had always imagined... etc.

 

Should I bring up a relationship / commitment / future talk with him ? OR go straight to a break up talk?

 

The reason why I'm on the fence is that it seems like the conflict of interest is on FUNDAMENTAL issues of religion and culture. Rather than something less of a core issue (like jealousy perhaps or something else that one can work through and is not necessarily a DEAL BREAKER).

 

Plus a commitment talk with a man usually never works out.

[shikashika]

where in the Middle East is this?

 

If it was Dubai, for example, it would be very easy to live in...lots of expats however not so much if it was Saudi Arabia.

 

I've traveled quite a bit and lived in the Middle East for a bit and found it very easy to travel on my own (even if i got the occasional hiss...but i've had more problems with guys in Canada than I ever did in Jordan, Egypt etc)

 

I have friends who have lived in various places in the Middle East so it all depends on where you are.

[shikashika]

We haven't talked about our relationship specifically... but we have discussed what we want in life, where we want to go - and last night I asked him to the point will he stay in the US once he's done his residency. He said he didn't know, but had always imagined... etc. Should I bring up a relationship / commitment / future talk with him ? OR go straight to a break up talk?

 

The reason why I'm on the fence is that it seems like the conflict of interest is on FUNDAMENTAL issues of religion and culture. Rather than something less of a core issue (like jealousy perhaps or something else that one can work through and is not necessarily a DEAL BREAKER).

 

Plus a commitment talk with a man usually never works out.

 

So he's saying he probably will stay in the US? I'm still confused, sorry,

 

is he very religious? What sorts of things do you have disagreements on.. i thought in your original post you said you were fine with that part but just didn't want to live outside the US, now it seems like it IS a Religious issue.

 

sorry if I'm wrong!

[Pappers]

Ugh, that's tough... It seems to me that you are making the right decision- one based on mostly rational considerations. I think that it will be very hard to live in the Middle East if you are a Western woman. Have you talked about this with him before, i.e. does he know that this is where you set the boundary?

 

Ya for once I'm using my head!!!! LOL - before it's all been about love and that has got me in trouble in the past! Hence my super cautious protect-my-heart mode I'm in now.

 

It would be hard for me to live over there; it's just something I don't want to do. I wouldn't mind visiting, and in fact I've got an internship in Dubai this summer, but I can't imagine living there permanently or raising a family there.

 

I've even been taking Arabic lessons!!!! (he doesn't know - I was doing it as a secret) .

 

He just called me 5 min ago from his buddies house... I could hear his friends giving him a hard time in the background but he called nevertheless and told them to be quiet he was talking to me.

[shikashika]

Ya for once I'm using my head!!!! LOL - before it's all been about love and that has got me in trouble in the past! Hence my super cautious protect-my-heart mode I'm in now.

 

It would be hard for me to live over there; it's just something I don't want to do. I wouldn't mind visiting, and in fact I've got an internship in Dubai this summer, but I can't imagine living there permanently or raising a family there.

 

I've even been taking Arabic lessons!!!! (he doesn't know - I was doing it as a secret) .

 

He just called me 5 min ago from his buddies house... I could hear his friends giving him a hard time in the background but he called nevertheless and told them to be quiet he was talking to me.

 

If its Dubai, I think it would be a great place to live. I know a ton of people who have gone there for work..Great shopping, nightlife.... HUGE expat community, very international...lots of Westernization

 

I know people that go on clubbing/ drinking/ stag night holidays ot Dubai, so that should tell you about the attitude of what goes on there.

[Pappers]

So he's saying he probably will stay in the US? I'm still confused, sorry,

 

is he very religious? What sorts of things do you have disagreements on.. i thought in your original post you said you were fine with that part but just didn't want to live outside the US, now it seems like it IS a Religious issue.

 

sorry if I'm wrong!

 

 

Hm this is becoming a long post for me... sorry guys, I just want to think it through and you are all really helping thank you .

 

Ok, so he said that he was undecided but:

- wanted to raise his daughter in a society where they don't have pub crawls or get drunk

- wants to be buried in Palestine

- would probably return one day but maybe to UAE instead

 

Other things that have come up over the course of our relationship (that he has slipped through in conversation perhaps unknowingly but of course my female ears have picked up):

 

- On discussing birth control - "if you get pregnant that would be a bad situation because you would be here a single mom with a baby and I would be back home"

 

- On discussing how is sister became engaged - "my parents made his parents come all the way to Jordan to meet us before they approved the marriage.. . I hope that I'm not expected to do the same when I am meeting a girl's family back home"

 

 

I think it is important I talk to him about my concerns but I don't know what to say really. We've been togehter 4 months - intense - so it's around that time where we've invested a lot of time together, but it is still a new relationship.

 

any advice?

 

thanks again for reading - I really appreciate everyone's comments .... it has been a journey for me on here and you all have been so wonderful

[shikashika]

hmnn... yes all those things he said would have me VERY concerned as well. Some of them are donwright mean and nasty, like if you got pregnant he would leave... Yeah, thats pretty bad.. I can see why you would want to split up with him if he said that. Yuck!

[Pappers]

Yes that surprised me... i didn't know what to say other than I wasn't ready to have a baby right now AND to stop asking me if I've taken my pill every time we are together because I found it offensive, rude, untrustworthy and something of a control issue.

[lila...]

Papppers, I've kinda followed your story seeing that we share a lot in common in our relationships (I'm with a guy from the Middle East too), but I don't remember...how long have you guys been dating? I'm curious as to why you've never talked about your relationship together? It seems serious, so why not bring it up? That way you know for sure what he thinks and you'll have a clearer answer. Or maybe I missed it and you have asked him what he thinks about your relationship and where its headed? I think you should before you make the drastic decision of breaking up with him....just so you can be 100% sure.

[madmarten]

Pappers I think your instincts are correct and is best to get out now. To put it simply you two are just not compatible