Hmmm, gonna have to figure out how to keep flakey friends close without being stressed by them.

[My Advice]

Man what the hell is with these women friends?

 

 

Most of my female friends are amazing, even better than most my guy friends. In fact, I'd say that women are now there for me more than men for the first time in my life. And then I got three recently that do things that my healthy female friends and even my unhealthy guy friends don't do. (Okay, one of my guy friend's does, but he is more unhealthy than she is).

 

First there is one who I hung out with who said she often get's sexual with her guy friends but don't get emotionally attached.

So I shrug, think cool, a FWB, then she complains that guys all treat her like a sex object when she had suggested treating me like a sex object first knowing I hadn't gotten laid in a while.

 

So I figure the sex isn't worth it, cuz I think she really did develop feelings cuz of some things she said. Thing is, I can't date her. When I became friends with her she was seeing somebody else, said she doesn't date white guys who aren't Hispanic, so I lost interest in her. Then I saw her cheat on her next bf who was Israeli when we were in a night club together, and given that monogamy when I date is very important to me, that was a deal breaker for me ever trusting her enough to date her.

Now we are close. But she vanishes, says she can only be around females right now, and when I say well I am like a female, we always talked about everything, she said "not really."

 

Point: I thought I had done something wrong or she was in a serious depression. Now she says she is okay but only want's her female friends around so I am giving her my space.

 

2nd woman. This one I had a thing for. Let her know it. She got back with bf who treated her like crap. I moved on, assured her it wasn't a problem. She actually got jealous a few times when I expressed interest in other girls, but then seemed over it. Now she is seeing a great guy and I'd like to reconnect as close friends again but have no desire to date her whatsoever.

 

So everything should be fine, right? No. She initiates contacts in text an e mails and invites me to do things or asks if I am gonna be somewhere only to flake out when I respond and not respond back. I always have to be the last person to respond.

 

Third girl. This one I fell in love with. We were incredibly close. She isn't interested. The fact that she only dates abusive men and is addicted to the honeymoon phase of relationships and her relationships ALWAYS end bad, and she ALWAYS loses interest if there isn't conflict. So the fact that she is

In fact, if a guy quits treating her like crap I get the feeling she loses interest to from what she told me. So even though I am not over her and keep limited exchange until I am, having NC her for four months, I think back and think, THANK GOD nothing happened, even though everybody was sure she really liked me. (she'd get incredibly jealous at times and we just tended to connect well).

 

Now that I changed my priorities and have been very careful not to date women who have bad relationship histories without red flagging it, I wouldn't date her anymore anyway.

 

Still, she can't even communicate that she misses me without using a quote or some other obfuscating form of communication that both my therapist and my psychology professor thinks are games when they saw it.

 

 

I guess, I am not looking for advice, just to rant. But it is funny how stressful a friend of the opposite sex can be even when you don't feel anything, or even when you do, but have decided that even if they suddenly were interested, they aren't for you.

 

I enjoy their friendships a lot. They're all women with a history of deep depression and bad relationships. I think the first one wont be a problem, I just worried about her when she vanishes. Second one I have disassociated myself from but regret we couldn't have become close friends again. Third one is mostly NC but she isn't going to send me quotes when she wants to tell me something anymore.

 

I have been minimizing drama in my life but want to keep close connections.

Sometimes I get the urge to my foot up their ***, except for the first one. She is the most mature of the three, and just needs space.

[JadedStar]

The first two sound very much like they are distant because of their current relationships even tho they won't admit it. Girl number one only wants female friends now? That is likely becuase of the b/f whether she admits that or not because that is just TOO weird and too much coincendence. And i doubt i could even be friends with a person i know cheats on their SO regularly because it is such a direct conflict to my own values, and i like my close friends to be likeminded on the 'big stuff' like that.

 

The second one now has a great guy she is seeing and emails and texts you, but flakes on ever showing up to places she invites you too. Sounds like another case where she doesn't want b/f knowing she is hanging with a guy friend so she doesn't show...but she won't release you completely as it is her ego boost to have a guy friend she can text and email with but won't go anywhere with you. Keep her as a pal as long as you are okay with not hanging with her so long as she is dating new guy.

 

I wouldn't pursue anything with either of them, not even friendship.

 

The third just sounds like a complete trainwreck all the way around and i'd write her off unless you just happen to want to deal with her drama.

 

I know you were not asking for advice per se, just giving my take.

[My Advice]

jaded, no, I mixed it up.

 

Number 1 is single. Israeli broke up with her. She insinuated interest in me after that and has remained single every since. But she did show interest, I wasn't willing to do more than sex cuz I had seen her kissing a guy in a club when she was still seeing her ex. All of them have plenty of male friends.

 

 

The one who isn't single, in my guess, wants the validation and attention I used to give her. She started doing this crap more after I got over her. She has also been with this guy for a while not and since he seems like a good guy, twenty bucks says she starts to get bored.

 

I think on some level number 2 and 3 are like that. Number 1, isn't, because I never expressed romantic interest that validated her, plus she also seems more mature even if she does cheat and have bad relationships.

 

 

The only one I have romantic feelings for is mostly NC right now but I want better communication. My shrink and professor thought telling somebody they miss them by a quote and then reinterpreting it was cruel.

 

 

I should probably identify them by ethnic backgrounds as

 

Israeli-- single, cheats, but very good friend. Wants space from men now, which I respect, but wish she could see me as a pal and not a guy pal.

 

American-- contacts but then breaks plans or doesn't respond when I contact her back. She is the only one with a bf. I used to like her as more than a friend. Now I just want a friendship and have no desire for more. She quickly added me back to face book when I cut her off. This one I gave up on a closer friendship with.

 

Russian-- communicated something in a quote (hey let's hang out, I miss you) rather than just ask if we could hang out again and then reinterprets quote and down plays anything else when she finds out I am not going anywhere and am still getting over her. Only dates jerk offs. (Russian mobster, and cheating alcoholic emotional abuser). We were the closest perhaps. Only one I have romantic feelings for but she is mostly on NC now.

 

 

 

I actually wont be friends with girls who don't have guy friends unless they are single. I don't respect that attitude and consider it weak. It is a deal breaker in friendship for me.

[Balbina]

Yup... people can be REALLY crazy. I think you need to realize what you can afford to have in your life and what you're better off without. And try to let go of the past - see things for what they are, not for what you once thought they were.

[My Advice]

Yup... people can be REALLY crazy. I think you need to realize what you can afford to have in your life and what you're better off without. And try to let go of the past - see things for what they are, not for what you once thought they were.

 

Yeah, what I am trying to do.

 

I am not suggesting the first one did anything wrong. I just miss her friendship but I recognize she has needs right now that don't include me. We are getting back in contact again.

 

Second one I will never invest serious effort in again unless she completely changes, and I am investing next to nothing from now on.

 

 

Third one is the only one that is gonna be a serious issue cuz no matter how hard I try, cuz I am not over her, which is gonna be six more months of minimal contact. It'll be curious to see how she reacts when if I get with somebody else. I am just gonna tell her if she does the quote thing again, no more quotes, just tell me what you want to tell me.