dont know what the right thing is anymore..

[coolgirl]

I am currently now going through a divorce. But 2 weeks ago I told my ex lets put the divorce on hold and see if we can work through our issue's. With the way I am looking at things. When my dad and my ex spoke together my ex may be different with my parents but he's different with me. I get treated differently and he's all lovey dovey with my folks then me. And my folks see him differently then I do. He acts a certian way with them and acts differently with me. I cant make them see that he a different person with me than them.

 

When my dad met up with my ex and they went out talking my dad later that night came and told me that he could really tell how my ex loves me but acts differently around me. Its been like that for the past 3 years we've been married. He treat me like crap but makes it seems like he's a good person in front of my parents. And me reconciling with him doesn't

make sense even if we do were putting on a show in front of the people.

 

 

Now, he tottaly different around me. Even the divorce has not been finalized he's keeping his life a private life, doesn't talk to me as much he use too, acts like he dont care about anything, goes do stuff behind my back which i'm not aware of, he's become so careless about everything and takes everything as a joke, i care, love his family wont let me see them i mean what the hell is this. Even i dont know what the right thing is to do anymore.

 

I told him once the divorce gets finalized I told him I never want to see him, talk to him and leave me and my family alone, its not like i hate him or anything I cant be friends with an ex even after the problems we had before it just hurts me more to even think about these kind of stuff. Do I reconcile and just put on a show in front of everyone? If I go through this divorce I have to take a look at this in the long haul.

 

I know for a fact i go depressed, be alone, and just not be myself for quite sometime I know myself. I've been hurt before I dont want to go through this one too. The idea of loosing my husband is another gun shut wound to my heart. I dont know what the right thing is to do anymore. really dont. My parents cant help me. Even I cant help myself right now.

 

And if this fails I know i wont take it so well. I never take anything well. I just dont know what the right thing is to do anymore. I really dont. He asked me to give him by the end of this week to tell me yes or no if he wants to work this out and if he say's "No" to me I know i'm going to have another breakdown. I dont want to go through that pain again.

[NJRon]

Why are you letting him decide? You should be deciding what you want and then pursuing it. Otherwise you are just giving your power away. And why can't you see his family... he sees yours? How can he actually restrain you from seeing them? Or are you just letting him emotionally control you?

[coolgirl]

My father said because I asked for the divorce and he has every right to decide about this. And I have no say in this for the time being. Actually, he dont see my family either he just see's my dad cuz he close with my father and no one else in my family. He respects them. I swear I dont know what to think anymore.

[NJRon]

Um, no, you get to decide whether to proceed with the divorce. Let's say he comes back to you and says he wants to stay married... I know it may sound weird, but you can actually tell him "No... we're getting a divorce... see ya."

[coolgirl]

I told my dad & my ex there not being fair here and that i get a say in this my dad said because you asked for the divorce and now your asking him to come back again and told me I cant just play with anyone like that. And now is giving him the right to decide what it is he wants to do so basically i've got no say in this right now.

[NJRon]

You have say as far as the divorce, but it takes two to stay together. So, the real question is, do you really want to be with this guy? Honestly. You asked him for a divorce... why did you change your mind? Right now, he has all the power. He can string this along as long as he wants. What are your limits? Have you thought about what you are willing to put up with before pulling the plug?

[coolgirl]

You have say as far as the divorce, but it takes two to stay together. So, the real question is, do you really want to be with this guy? Honestly. You asked him for a divorce... why did you change your mind? Right now, he has all the power. He can string this along as long as he wants. What are your limits? Have you thought about what you are willing to put up with before pulling the plug?

 

So, the real question is, do you really want to be with this guy? I really dont know to be honest. Am i willing to go through the same thing i dont know. I mean if we get back together were not going to move back straight in. were talking about 2-3 years from now or maybe more.

 

why did you change your mind? Honestly, I dont know. I keep telling him I love him he say's he dont feel the same way about me anymore.

 

What are your limits? I dont have any limits.

 

Have you thought about what you are willing to put up with before pulling the plug? Not really.

[NJRon]

What are your limits? I dont have any limits.

 

Have you thought about what you are willing to put up with before pulling the plug? Not really.

 

No limits = no boundaries = no self respect. You need to set limits and you get your limits by realizing that you are a valuable person.

 

As for not thinking about what you are willing to put up with.. take some time out of the drama and focus it on yourself. It will be time well spent. Go NC with him for a while to figure out what you are willing to offer and what you feel you deserve. You will be much stronger for it.

 

You can get control back... you need to control what you can and let go of what you can't. You can't control your husband, but you can control you. So, focus on that, and not what other people think you should do about your relationship.. focus on what you can do about *you*.

[coolgirl]

Right, now i'm in no postion to get my control back I wish I could but not right now. I have no confidence and I have low self esteem. My feelings dont matter anymore because i pushed back my feelings along time ago. And ever sense its become numb and I cant feel my feelings anymore. I wish I could but I cant and it takes alot out of me to regain my control and feelings back. And that's whats killing me the most right now. I cry it out but I cant show my weakness to anyone. I keep everything to myself. That's how i learned to deal with things.

[NJRon]

Well, your coping mechanism is flawed and as long as you are willing to accept it, you will be offering yourself to the pain. If that is your wish, then so be it. I can only encourage you to step up and face the fear of letting go of what is comfortable and damaging for what is unknown and self-empowering. The decision it yours ultimately. I would recommend therapy for getting an objective face-to-face person to help you with your self esteem issues... it will be hard to get what you need over the internet.

[coolgirl]

Thanks for your help.

[NJRon]

I hope you grow to see the value in yourself. Hang in there.

[rickybobby]

I agree with with others have said. You need to decide what is best for you. If he doesn't love you then you should move on to find somebody who is going to love you. You cannot make a marriage work when only one person is in love...

 

It is a very hard situation where your SO treats you differently when nobody else is around. My wife is like that (just like here dad). When others are around, she acts like she is the life of the party but when its just us and kids, she is pessimistic, passive aggressive and just not a nice person to be around.

 

Over the past few months, I have started to realize we all have the right to be happy and if your SO is not making you happy or treating you right, there is no shame in leaving....

[John Bendix]

I agree with with others have said. You need to decide what is best for you. If he doesn't love you then you should move on to find somebody who is going to love you. You cannot make a marriage work when only one person is in love...

 

It is a very hard situation where your SO treats you differently when nobody else is around. My wife is like that (just like here dad). When others are around, she acts like she is the life of the party but when its just us and kids, she is pessimistic, passive aggressive and just not a nice person to be around.

 

Over the past few months, I have started to realize we all have the right to be happy and if your SO is not making you happy or treating you right, there is no shame in leaving....

 

 

My Isish grandmother had a saying about certain people.

 

"Street angel, house devil".

 

 

Not judging but just curious.

 

Where does this right to happy come from and what does it entail?

 

How does your SO or anyone "make" your happy?

[rickybobby]

 

Where does this right to happy come from and what does it entail?

 

How does your SO or anyone "make" your happy?

 

Interesting question about the "right" to be happy. I don't necessarily mean it in a constitutional/legal sense of the word but more you should not have to live your life in an unhealthy relationship where you are not being treated well or emotional needs are not being met. Perhaps "right" was not best word of choice here so maybe "deserve" would be a better choice.

 

I guess a in my opinion an SO makes your life "happy" (better would have been a better word to use here) by being a friend, confidant, lover, etc. I would like to think it would be somebody that you want to spend time with; that you care very deeply for (or love depending on the situation)... IMHO, it not healthy to base one's happiness around a SO BUT they can make your life better...

 

Now to follow up on this, I don't mean that we should all go around just go around doing whatever makes us happy and shirking our responsibilities either. I think we can find a middle ground between being responsible for the commitments in our life (faith, family, friends, career, etc) and being happy/content...

 

I guess my overall point of my previous post was that if you are in a relationship that is not healthy and there is very little hope of that situation improving, then one should look at your options which would include moving on...

 

John: On a side note, I like the quote from your Grandmother....

[coolgirl]

Here is the thing we went out last night and we sat down and talked. Here was his conclusion "he" thinks we should divorce and to start over again. You know something like a start of a new beginning and nor me or my family is so keen about that. He kept talking about why you want me, why you want to be with me, i have nothing, why do you want to be with me all those sorts of question. I got pissed off and on the other side try to cheer up but i was pissed off. I told him once you get your divorce and once you leave then he's got no right to come back what so ever once he's gone, he's gone for good cuz i dont cant and wont be a friend with an ex that i was married to before and it would be hard for me to move on. he thinks of it as okay we divorce were building our way back up again. I told him it dont work like that for me. Once he leaves he leaves me and my family alone. he asked me if I go what will you do with your life I told him that wouldn't be any of his business to know as to if i want to screw up my life or not. He thinks of it as we will be BFF.

 

We've been married for 3 years. I told him I willing to wait another 2 years because i'm not ready to move in with him yet. I get myself straigtend out he does too as far as finacinally and to be able to afford a home and have a family thats all I want from him. In the mean time that were getting our life together we go and get some counceling but that doesnt mean we have to be divorced.

 

Please tell me if i am wrong? or was i not fair here?

[lostandhurt]

Coolgirl,

 

I think your problem is that you are leaving your fate up to him. From what I have read there is nothing left of your marriage but a piece of paper. Marriage is an important bond made on promises that are very sacred to most people, it is not something you can just say let's try a do over.

It seems to me that you want to be happy and treated with respect and love and he has done none of that. You notice I said YOU WANT not YOU DESERVE. There is a huge difference. This come down to what you WANT and only you. Step back and think about the marriage and everything that has been done to try and make it stronger/better over the last 3 years. Was it all you or was he there next to you trying? Your parents should only offer support for their daughter as your marriage was private and only you know what really happened.

 

No matter what you choose, it will affect your life and as such should be your choice.

 

lost