should marrige be like this?

[amber77]

Gurrr....I have been married to my husband since Sept. When we first started dating I had talked to an ex boyfriend of mine a few times (nothing but seeing how each other was doing) and it hurt my husband deeply. He felt I was unfaithful to him by talking to an ex. We were NOT married at the time and in the beginning of our relationship. After I hurt him, I never spoke to the ex boyfriend again. That has been over a year ago. My husband still checks my phone records and email account to see who I talk to. He never finds anything incriminating ( I am a faithful wife ) but it aggravates me that no matter what I do and no matter how much reassurance I give, he can't move past this. I know it takes time to heal once you're hurt...but is it necessary to make someone "pay" their entire life for a mistake made that was never made again? The week after he and I got married, he told me the only reason he married me was to "get me off his back" (news to me since he planned the wedding with me) and it's only been a month since he mentioned a divorce..anytime we have an argument about his inability to move past and try to trust, he tells me I have NO reason to question his commitment to this marriage...umm, I beg to differ...wouldn't you question it if your spouse said the things to you that he said to me? What's going on here?

[Iceman26]

In my opinion this is on him.

 

If he had doubts about your loyalty, he should not have gotten married to you.

 

It sounds like he has some massive insecurities. I'd suggesting counseling or sitting him down and having a long talk with him about the past, present and future.

[waveseer]

Can you talk to him about your concerns? If not, will he attend marriage counseling with you? It shouldn't be that difficult, and definitely not so soon.

[savignon]

First, I'm sorry you're going through this. Did he show other signs of posessiveness/insecurity before the 'talking to the ex' incident? You're right that you shouldn't have to pay for anything for the rest of your life, and I'm not sure you should have to pay AT ALL for talking to your ex casually. I would imagine it was quite hurtful to hear him say he only married you to get you off his back. OUCH!

Talk to him about how much you're hurting and see if he's willing to work on it. It will be exausting for you to constantly reassure him/show him your phone records, etc. If you're tired now, after 4 or 5 months...just imagine!

Hopefully he'll be willing to work on his insecurities and posessiveness. Take them as some serious warning signs, though and take care of yourself.

Hope everything works out....Best wishes!

[amber77]

His ex wife cheated on him many times with many different men (one being his best friend) and he confessed to me that every girlfriend he ever had cheated on him so I think he will always have difficulties with trust. I try to put myself in his position, having a past with so much dishonesty with people he cared about, and I try to understand, but at the same time I don't want to be held liable for what everyone else did to him on top of what I did. I feel like that is whats going on. I feel like he is NEVER going to honestly trust and just let me love him without him having to constantly worry. I WILL NOT be unfaithful to him but it's impossible for him to be shown that...he's always expecting the worse.

[orangesoda]

not to be rude, but there are two sides to every story. What you describe as 'just talking to an ex', was it really just that? and if it was, did it appear that way?

 

It sounds bizarre (unless your husband has some serious issues) that he would make such a big deal out of that. Did you lie to him about any of it? Or kept him in the dark about it?

 

I understand your point, but if you really did break his trust, then you need to give him as much time as he needs to get over it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What he is doing borders on emotional abuse. I have to wonder if there is more to his cheating stories than meets the eye. Do you have reason to believe that he may be the one who cheated in his past relationships? Perhaps his relationships failed because he was very possessive and insecure.

[amber77]

I did "keep him in the dark" about it...and yes, it WAS just talking..he knows that. Like I said, I know it takes time and he has had a year...and my hand in marriage.

[amber77]

What he is doing borders on emotional abuse. I have to wonder if there is more to his cheating stories than meets the eye. Do you have reason to believe that he may be the one who cheated in his past relationships? Perhaps his relationships failed because he was very possessive and insecure.

 

 

He said he cheated on his ex wife out of 'retaliation' after finding out she was cheating on him. I have no reason to feel he is cheating on me. I see him check out other woman (but thats normal)...he works in the school system around many attractive women but I really don't feel he will cheat. I know regardless of your work setting, if you're going to cheat, you're going to do it, but he hasn't given me any reason to feel that he has/would with me.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The first year of marriage can actually be quite stressful with the adjustments to being a married couple. Some people do immediately question whether the marriage was the right thing to do, and all their old fears/conflicts may come to the surface because they now feel 'trapped.'

 

I'd suggest that you attend some marriage counseling to help give both of you perspective on what are reasonable expectations when married, what trust is and means, etc. It is well worth the investment to try to set a good foundation for a long marriage, or else determine that the marriage was a mistake and cut your losses before there are children involved.

[redhearts]

Stupid reason to say he married you for and you should give him that reason as to divorce.

[coolgirl]

I've been through the same exact thing with my husband so if you like to talk more, PM me. I dont mind telling you some of the experinces I had with my husband. Let's put it this way soon to be ex husband.

[coolgirl]

You said your husband talks about divorce. My husband would threaten me about divorce. So many times so many times I would get that lecture from him. I too was talking to an ex of mine for a little period of a time but I quit talking to him after he started becoming emotionally abusive towards me and I've gone depressed over this and made myself sick. Yea, my husband would check up on me, the phone calls I made, he would check my stuff on the computer he would turn the house upside down to find stuff on me to frame me and find evidence to show my parents. I"ve been through hell with my ex. Worst of all my parents would take his side more than mine cuz he makes himself look like the good guy and I lost trust in my parents competely. And now that were going through a divorce sometimes I dont know what's the right thing to do anymore. I mean I know i'm going through a divorce but were talking about getting back together again. That's why i said I dont know whats the right thing to do anymore. Everyone keeps telling me how much of a good guy he is and how much he loves me.

 

To me that's purly crap cuz I dont see it like that anymore. He can look good towards my folks but with me its different I was the one living with him for about 3 years.

[agent1607307371]

When we first started dating I had talked to an ex boyfriend of mine a few times (nothing but seeing how each other was doing) and it hurt my husband deeply.

 

Seriously? If you were dating longer and really serious, I could get it, but at the start?

 

He's controlling and insecure. He's using his "cheating exes" (wonder if they really exist) as a convenient excuse to make you feel guilty for no reason.

[spinstermanquee]

this does not bode well for the future. the "crime" and the "punishment" are all out of whack, bordering on excessive. he doesn't sound very mature for someone i am assuming is in his thirties. def. has issues - especially if he blames his checking up on you on YOU

 

good luck i hope this works out...