How to not be a pushover without being a jerk?

[Seymore]

I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half, almost. We don't always see eye to eye and that can create some huge fights at times. We always make up, though.

 

I am one of those "nice guys". The kind that will let you walk all over him. I like to think I'm tough, but I am a softie most of the time, because when I do put my foot down, people think of me as an a-hole. I don't like being perceived as that, but I've come to realize that it doesn't matter what others think, and if not doing one thing for someone means I'm a you-know-what, then I don't need that person in my life anyway.

 

My girlfriend has a habit of asking me to do things that she can do herself, like go into the other room and get her phone out of her purse. Doesn't happen often, but it happens. I always give in. How do I say "Why don't you do it?" without sounding like a jerk? Another thing she does is tell me I'm wrong when I believe I'm right, sometimes even going so far as to rub in: "I'm right, you're wrong", literally. I've gotten in the habit of saying "If you say so", which makes her angry because she feels I'm mocking her. Sometimes I'll say how high when she says jump, like if she asks why my dishes aren't done. I'll get up and do them right away. If not, she'll likely have the attitude that "When we're married, this isn't going to happen. The dishes will be clean". If I'm feeling bold, I'll say something like "That's ok, they'll do themselves" sarcastically.

 

Don't get the wrong idea. My girlfriend IS nice to me - she gets a little naggy sometimes though. Anyway, I just had a dream the other night that these actions and my inability to stand up for myself caused me to blow up, pack up and leave. I woke up upset, and realized that I have to start standing up for myself, no matter what the cost, because that's a dream I DON'T want to come true.

 

So what would you say in the previous three examples without sounding like a jerk? I have a feeling I'll have the opportunity to act tonight - she was unsure if she could come by because her sister might work and she'll have to babysit. Well today she said she's staying home. I have a feeling she'll expect me to go to her house to visit her, as in alter whatever I had planned (like doing the dishes - they're nasty now) because her plans changed. I'm trying to figure out what to say.

 

I think she realizes this, too - last week she wanted to rent 4 movies as 1-day rentals. I said ok, and we watched 2. We went to bring them back and she said "You need to stand up for yourself and tell me 'no' next time I do that. You just spent extra money on 2 movies that you didn't need to. I get carried away sometimes. I'm sorry". So that's also provoking me to stand up for myself.

[MyheartorHis]

Try talking to her. OR! (I've had boyfriend do this to me, after he realized I was doing the same thing ON ACCIDENT!) If she asks you to get something for her, tell her you just got comfy on the couch and ask her if she will get it, but very nicely. You can start out doing this will little things and eventually she will start doing things for herself more instead of asking you all the time. It worked for me and I didn't even realize it until we had broken up and he told me.

[Cirquel]

Hmm. Your girlfriend is nothing like me. But I'll try to give advice, regardless...

 

Normally, if a person's demands are unreasonable, actually telling them why they are (even if it ends in a minor argument) will usually at least wake them up.

 

That, or ask her to do the same things that she asks you to do. "Could you get my phone from ?" If she complains about it, you have a great opportunity to bring up her constantly doing that to you.

 

I dunno... the movie thing really made me think, what the heck? Sorry... she sounds like a bit of a ditz. ; )

[alli]

Standing up for yourself in a relationship is not something that should be a concern. What you guys really need to do is communicate with each other nicely. For example- the dishes. She says "babe, will you do your dishes?" You say "sure, I'll do them tonight" & actually wash them within a couple hours.

 

You guys are doing way too much bickering & I think it will lead to a break up in the not-so-distant future. She should ask you things, & you should answer in a non-sarcastic manner. If she is "nagging" you to do things, that probably means you didn't do them the first time when you said you would. Not saying she should be bossing you around, but if she is doing her share & she has to ask you multiple times to do yours, that isn't right.

 

Ask her to ask you to do things, not tell you in a bossy way. You need to stop acting like she is someone you need to stand up to & she needs to not do things like in the movie situation.

[waveseer]

I would be very upfront about it, "When you ask me to do things for you that you can easily do for yourself I find it irritating." It would be a great first step to you becoming more assertive. She will love you for it even if her initial response is pissy.

[Seymore]

If she is "nagging" you to do things, that probably means you didn't do them the first time when you said you would.

 

Not true. She'll get on my case before I even have a chance to act the first time.

 

For example: I take care of her cat, because her apartment doesn't allow them. She needed a cheap place to move into with her sister and after 3 weeks of looking that was the best they could find (she pays for the cats needs, btw), blah, blah blah...

 

Anyway, she'll stay the night and 5 minutes after we wake up, she might say something like "How come you didn't feed the cat yet?". I used to just drop whatever I was doing, get the food and feed the cat right away. Now I say "How come you didn't? She's your cat?" or "Can I wake up first?", but both come on as kind of snotty. I don't want to be a jerk about it. And she doesn't do this often, but when she does I take it as nagging, like there's some sort of urgency that really isn't there.

 

And I wouldn't call her a ditz...wishy-washy at times, maybe.

[Timebandit]

Try do some searching on the web for assertiveness. Assertiveness is the middle ground between being passive or being aggressive. When you are assertive you are using I statements, i.e.

 

"I feel that when you...."

 

It is extremely important that you don't resort to sarcastic remarks. They will just escalate the matter (as you probably already know).

 

There is plenty of resources on the net, f. ex. link removed

[waveseer]

Another good way to say things is, "When this happens I feel that."

 

Some friends and couples use the concept of a 10 on 10 where each gets ten minutes of uninterrupted air time to say whatever's been on their mind. After each takes a turn then you try to resolve anything that's still an issue.

[Seymore]

Try do some searching on the web for assertiveness. Assertiveness is the middle ground between being passive or being aggressive. When you are assertive you are using I statements, i.e.

 

"I feel that when you...."

 

It is extremely important that you don't resort to sarcastic remarks. They will just escalate the matter (as you probably already know).

 

There is plenty of resources on the net, f. ex. link removed

 

Thanks for that. Reading now!

[orangesoda]

i have nothing specific to add except that you'd better do something now because once you're married, it's going to be 100 times worse. You think she nags now? Wait until she's your wife.

[Seymore]

Another good way to say things is, "When this happens I feel that."

 

Some friends and couples use the concept of a 10 on 10 where each gets ten minutes of uninterrupted air time to say whatever's been on their mind. After each takes a turn then you try to resolve anything that's still an issue.

 

I've tried the "When this happens, I feel that..." thing before - with varying results. Sometimes I'll get an "I'm sorry, I'll do better", and sometimes I'll get a "I don't understand why you feel that way", depending on if she's in a good or bad mood.

 

Never heard of 10 on 10. I might give that a try...

[alli]

OIC. That would get annoying.

[Timebandit]

I've tried the "When this happens, I feel that..." thing before - with varying results. Sometimes I'll get an "I'm sorry, I'll do better", and sometimes I'll get a "I don't understand why you feel that way", depending on if she's in a good or bad mood.

 

I also think that non-verbal signals means a lot, such as tonality, eye-contact, posture etc. But non-verbal signals are much harder to control than the words.

[Seymore]

i have nothing specific to add except that you'd better do something now because once you're married, it's going to be 100 times worse. You think she nags now? Wait until she's your wife.

 

Well, I was considering using that to my advantage, in a sense. I know she'd like nothing more than to marry me right now. If it gets extreme and I don't feel I'm being respected, I could let her know (tactfully) that if she does want to marry me, she needs to treat me with respect. I'm not a lazy bum by any means. I work a regular job and other side jobs on top of that, plus I've been helping my gf promote her children's book, so doing trivial things for other people that they can do themselves is the last thing I want to do. I mean, for my gf, I'll bend a little, but I need my time to handle MY life too!

[Lollipop2008]

In order to be most comfortable you have to do what feels best for you. If you let her walk all over you then she will take you for granted. BUT at the same time if you go too far the other way and are rebellious this will push her away too. Why not have a discussion with her about what you have told us here. If anything, I would think she would admire your maturity about discussing this openly rather than struggling on.

[Seymore]

In order to be most comfortable you have to do what feels best for you. If you let her walk all over you then she will take you for granted. BUT at the same time if you go too far the other way and are rebellious this will push her away too. Why not have a discussion with her about what you have told us here. If anything, I would think she would admire your maturity about discussing this openly rather than struggling on.

 

And that's part of what started this - I don't always feel comfortable - like if I disagree or don't act quickly she'll get upset.

 

Last night we went out for coffee and I just relaxed, disagreed when I felt accordingly and didn't sit there constantly looking out for her 1-year old nephew who she let play with the toys at the coffee shop. Usually she'll act like I'm supposed to keep an eye on him, but it's her responsibility. I just "shifted the caring" a little more to myself than towards her needs or feelings, because I have an opinion on things too and I have the same right as anyone to enjoy myself without worrying if I'm pleasing someone else.

 

And when I disagreed, she kinda got a tone suggesting her way of thinking was right. I shrugged and moved on in the conversation without fueling the argument. She felt one way, I felt the other.

[zachiphus]

When my girlfriend ask me to do for her something she is more than capable of doing, I feel obligated to remind her that she also has legs.