Success in getting back together

[kevinny]

A friend of mine asked me to look at this site for him and give him my opinion. I have read many things and want to write about my story of getting back together, it will be short and i hope help people.

 

My wife and i were together for 22 years. We met after highschool and were married at 26. Married 14 years and we split. It was very hard on both of us, we had lost one another in our lives. We went through the divorce and all the crap that goes along with it, the fights, the blaming, and all the personal pain. The end was like most divorces i am sure.

 

We both moved on and dated etc. We had little contact and it seemed to be over. One december i ran into at the mall, we chatted for a little while and it was good. I told her it was nice to talk can i call her sometime. She said ok.

 

Well no it is not that easy, I did call and we talked. Talking was easy because we shared our lives and we had so much to talk about. The saying goes that talk is cheap, and it is. We found out in talking that after the divorce we both went to counseling, we both worked on ourselves, we both grew in so many ways. It was slow at first as we had to learn to do the dance all over again, to trust that we both had grown.

 

Well as you may no we did get back together. We both agreed to forgive for the past, to not hold grudges. We learned to communicate! We both had changed and our life together was different. To me though the most important thing that held us together was the years of love, the years of good and bad together, the years of sharing our lives. When you share so much together it is so valuable. Yes new love and dating is exciting, but that does not last. Old love, aged and experienced, with wisdom and kindness,that has stood the test of time is the real thing. Oh and it still can be exciting!

 

Well that leads me to this, if you are split, or if you relationship is going in the wrong way, look at yourself first. Work on yourself and make sure you are ok. Look at you partner and be there to help, talk to them, do not get angry with them, accept them for who they are. Know that it may not be easy, for me it took a long time, but it does start with you. Make sure to LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER, they will tell you what is wrong. Love and marraige is a life long work of art, be willing to give it the time.

 

My wife and I decided to get back together. We both realized we needed help and we both got that help. Even today if we feel something is wrong we are not afraid to get help. The years together, the history we had , and the love in all the years was the important part of our lives. You just cannot find that with somebody new, you cannot just create that. Our shared lives are more valuable then anything else.

 

 

I do not want anybody to think you can just wish yourself back together, there is a reason you were apart. Work on yourself first, find the reason next, and if you are lucky work with your partner to fix the problems. True love is worth fighting for.

 

 

We have been back together for 2 years now, and we are very happy. We still work on things, and yes even argue, but now we know how to deal with it, how to handle it and come out ok.Every night no matter what we sit down and talk about the day, and in a deeper way. We share our thoughts and feelings and grow better for that. We are both so happy now, and so happy we did not throw ourselves away. We had too much together in life. So to all of you out there, do not lose faith and be ready to work. You can find the happiness you are looking for.

[john4321]

amazing story, gives hope to some of us out here, thanks for sharing, i hope some day i can be so lucky

[gee]

Great story! It's nice to hear success stories!

 

How long was the split before you guys started talking again?

 

Did you ever go NC and for how long?

 

gee

[yankeefan74]

This is a great story... a lot of good advice...

 

It always amazes me when people act like reconciliations are rare...that people never get back together, and if they do, it doesn't go well. I've seen the exact opposite.

[cemlaw]

Lovely. Thank you!

[kevinny]

Well did we have no contact for sometime yes, the divorce was bitter, we were both angry. She would call from time to time if she needed something, and I would run. My friends all told me to cut it out, and after i helped we would not talk again. It was good at the time because I know I was not ready for anything and neither was she. We had to work on ourselves and we both did.

 

In fact it broke up a relationship I had because the women realized I would never stop loving my wife, and that I could never love her like I did my wife. She was right, my wife and I had shared too much, and even though we split, the years together had true meaning. The history was too rich to ever be replaced, that is why it hurt so much. She was and is my soulmate.

 

So it was not for almost 2 years before we really started talking again, and only after we had both gone through many changes. In fact she was seeing somebody at the time and we were just talking as friends. Before you know it we realized how important our lives were together, our years together had true meaning, and how that could not be replaced or re-created.

 

Missing that meant nothing though, the true difference was the fact we both had realized what we did wrong, we both worked on ourselves. We knew if we were going to try again the old crap had to go, and we were going to have to be different. We both were.

 

That is why i say do not give up, but look at yourself first. You have to really take a hard look and be willing to admit what you did wrong to yourself. You need to be willing to grow, to become a better person. You also need to learn to forgive and let it go. Why let the crap get in the way of what you really want? You need to learn to accept people for who they are.

 

If you are trying to get together remember forgiveness,communication, and a willingness to work with your partner are most important. If it is worth fighting for, and many long term relationships are, it takes work. Any real relationship takes work. I believed in my wife always, believed in our relationship, i just did not know how to act in the right way. Be willing to learn and grow and always listen. Years spent together are not wasted years, they are the foundation for a relationship that will last you a lifetime. Just make sure the foundation is strong and what you build on that foundation is built together with love.

 

Good luck to all do not give up on love ever.

[kiwifruiti]

A really great story. I like a lot of the advice you give, like being able to forgive and accept your partner for who they are. Thanks so much for sharing it, and I'm happy for you and your wife!

[HNR]

Kenny, your story and advice is so beautiful and moving.....

[ieatglue]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this out. There isn't near enough success in these forums. Congratulations, and I hope things only grow for you and your wife. Thank you again!

[john4321]

places on the site have so much anger and negative feelings, so i come back and read the positive, wanted to add my 2 cents also, i agree with everything above and just want to add when my happiness was dependent on her, that was not healthy, when i wanted to share my happiness with her, that was. you need to find yourself before you can find anybody else.

[sophia88]

I'm so glad to read a success story. Like others have said, you gave great advice. I will take your advice with me for life.

[journeynow]

This is good to read. Not that I'm hanging on to hope anymore, but I've gotten to the point where I 98% accept What Is (he wants to be single, which means not married, living a very separate life.). I will move forward, work on myself, accept that that is where he needs to be, and I am where I need to be, and we can be friends (eventually) and value each other for who we are. IF we ever get back together, it will be down the road, because we both have some healing and growing and soul-searching to do on our own. I commend kevinny and his wife for being willing and able to forgive, communicate, and putting effort and attention into making the relationship work together.

[Brownstone322]

Your story is about maturity and patience, and it resonates with me.

 

My girlfriend and I were together for 19 years, and we lived together for the last eight. We never married, but everyone considered us as husband and wife, and I jokingly referred to her as "my life partner." How wrong I was.

 

She moved out about three months ago, and I still don't completely understand why or what the issues really are. I have an idea, but it's difficult to know what she really feels, and that's a very frustrating place to be. It wasn't an ugly breakup, though. We were polite and respectful down to the last day, and we openly talked about a new future, though without any timetable.

 

I contacted her with a casual phone call on May 1, but I can sense now that the call made things worse. It was way too soon, by months, maybe by a full year. I don't know if there's a timetable for normalizing our communication, but it's obvious that she doesn't want to deal with me now or any time soon. So I just have to accept that and let her go; I'm in a period of grieving now, and it's awful, maybe worse than it was when she first left.

 

Your story, though, reassures me of what what I already know. It's not about "hope," exactly, but it's a realization of how relationships and emotions actually evolve. Long-term, deeply rooted relationships cannot be summarily dismissed, not when they were founded on love (however neglected, as was ours) and were not marred by abuse, infidelity or comparable transgressions. (But make no mistake, chronically under-appreciating one's partner is a serious transgression unto itself.)

 

The message here is that the "goodness" of long-term relationships takes a long time to fade, but the commensurate "badness" likewise takes a long time to heal. Statistics would show, no doubt, that long-term relationships among more-mature partners have a much greater potential for reconciliation -- but they also require long periods of separation, reflection and personal growth.

 

So your story can't really be characterized as extraordinary; it followed a path that might be expected for a relationship of such depth. You had a relationship worth saving, and I tip my hat to both of you for having the strength and determination to put it back together.

 

God bless and best of luck.

[BeOptimistic]

I just needed to bump this up as I'm feeling blue today.

 

I just needed to remind myself that true love is worth the wait of a long break after the end of a LTR.

[journeynow]

Thanks BeOptimistic for bumping this up. And a nod and a smile to Brownstone322 for your reflections on longterm relationships based on love. Well put, and I agree.

 

My hope now is not about reconciliation, but for an all around better future.

 

Long-term, deeply rooted relationships cannot be summarily dismissed, not when they were founded on love (however neglected, as was ours) and were not marred by abuse, infidelity or comparable transgressions. (But make no mistake, chronically under-appreciating one's partner is a serious transgression unto itself.)

 

The message here is that the "goodness" of long-term relationships takes a long time to fade, but the commensurate "badness" likewise takes a long time to heal. Statistics would show, no doubt, that long-term relationships among more-mature partners have a much greater potential for reconciliation -- but they also require long periods of separation, reflection and personal growth.

[90_hour_sleep]

the uniqueness of this thread amazes me. i hope it will inspire more people to look within. there is WAY too much emphasis on 'external reonvations' to one's self. personal growth is the key. it's takes a lot to face your own fears and insecurities. it takes an equal amount to respect that fact for another person as well.

 

thanks for sharing.

[HumanBeing26]

no reality of the situation is, in simple few sentences:

she found someone, the energy sexual or interpersonal she felt was weak compared to the one she felt with you, she saw you're the best she can get, and she got back to you. another reality is, she left you, tried to shoot for better, failed, and you were there back for her evolving.

 

Doesn't sound like a success story to me to be honest.

[Tired Tiger]

no reality of the situation is, in simple few sentences:

she found someone, the energy sexual or interpersonal she felt was weak compared to the one she felt with you, she saw you're the best she can get, and she got back to you. another reality is, she left you, tried to shoot for better, failed, and you were there back for her evolving.

 

Doesn't sound like a success story to me to be honest.

 

Well, aren't you Mr. Sunshine?

 

Maybe you should go back and re-read the OP. It never states who left who or why. You simply assumed that. It also states that they're happy. But hey - what would a thread in the "Getting Back Together" forum be without at least one grumpy, jaded post?

[jayceex17]

no reality of the situation is, in simple few sentences:

she found someone, the energy sexual or interpersonal she felt was weak compared to the one she felt with you, she saw you're the best she can get, and she got back to you. another reality is, she left you, tried to shoot for better, failed, and you were there back for her evolving.

 

Doesn't sound like a success story to me to be honest.

 

wow that was pretty harsh

[Brownstone322]

she found someone, the energy sexual or interpersonal she felt was weak compared to the one she felt with you, she saw you're the best she can get, and she got back to you. another reality is, she left you, tried to shoot for better, failed, and you were there back for her evolving.

 

Doesn't sound like a success story to me to be honest.

If that's what you actually saw in that story, then you're in for a long, dark and depressing life.

[pestilence]

Well.... this is a good question...

 

Forgiving who left who, what are the reasons a dumper would go back to their dumpee?

 

My ex said she didn't want to settle. Do you know how much that hurt at the time she said it? So, let's pretend she (the dumper) comes back to me. If settling is what she told me before was the reason she didn't want to try again, what would her reason be to be back with me?

 

Why would a dumpee go back to the dumper (and let's say that is a reconciliation) - because they couldn't find anyone else to be better with them thean their ex? What about the abused going back to their abuser (to show them they can change)?

 

What positive and negative reasons do dumpers and dumpees reconcile for?

[Brownstone322]

Forgiving who left who, what are the reasons a dumper would go back to their dumpee?

That seems fairly obvious to me. Given time for reflection -- and for a whole slew of reasons that vary among individuals -- people re-evaluate and reconsider their feelings about all sorts of decisions. Relationships are just one example.

 

I've made good decisions that I'm proud of and stupid ones that make me wonder what I was thinking. When I've been able to go back and corrrect the dumb ones (not always possible, of course), I have.

[Superman87]

An amazing story.

 

Not because it gives me hope deep down that after 6 or so years together, me and my ex will get back together but because having been through a break up I can only imagine how happy you must now be to be back with your one true love.

 

I get great strength from stories such as these, because it helps me move forward and on with my life. I still have a long way to go before I can even contemplate reconilliation but in the mean time reading things like these really do help me.

[Donovan79]

Some good stuff here.

[Flyers]

This was a really good read. I'm glad ChrisMac resurrected it. Most often, I have a hard time finding my niche on this forum as my previous relationship was long term and the NC period was long term, as well. Many posters on this site are fresh off of a breakup that wasn't too lengthy and the amount of NC is a fraction of what I experienced. I sometimes have a tough time seeking advice/perspectives from someone who's been through a similar situation. Therefore, this post really hit home and gave me some insightful information that I plan to keep putting into action.

 

Sometimes the truth hurts, but it's true, one can not be in a healthy and productive relationship if they haven't worked on themselves. I'm living proof of this. It's amazing how differently we can view ourselves and previous relationships if we just step away from the situation for a healthy period of time -- I'm not talking a few weeks or even a few months, but 6 months or even years. My ex and I have been broken up for 10+ months and NC a little less than this. We were together for 4 years. We have recently been communicating again. At the present moment, there have been no talks of getting back together, but I can tell you that the conversations we've had recently have been deeper, more meaningful and of more substance than anything we've ever shared previously.

 

Without a doubt, if someone truly wants to get back together with an ex, you have to work on yourself above and beyond anything else. Also, time heals and gives such a different perspective on the past. Most people are too impatient to leave each other alone for a while and inadvertently end up pushing each other away. Who knows, a lot of relationships that fail forever could very well have been saved if only they gave it some time and effort--away from their ex.