Need some advice

[HajiMaji]

Hi everyone. I havent been to this site in a while, but lo and behold, there is always I can use some help with. My current situation is this: I have been dating a girl for 7 months who I love. Like many couples we have some very crucial things in common with some very unfortunate problems. Really, we only have one problem, and that is she is 20 years old and doesnt quite know what it means to be responsible for someone else! I am kidding and mean no offense to any 20 year olds (when I was 20 I felt very responsible for my significant other). All in all, I dont know if I should break up with this girl.

 

First off, we are scheduled to go to couples counseling in january. We both have come off a real hectic semester and have been on edge. We are both very smart and hard working people and were given a lot of opprotunities at university to get a leg up or whatever. The problem is we were working way too much, and that is an understatement.

 

But, the issue to me seems bigger than this. Often, when I bring up an issue, she dislikes talking about it. However, when she is upset about something, she has no problem talking about it. I calmly bring this to her attention when we are not fighting/discussing anything and she says that she wouldnt mind talking about a problem I have if its a big deal, but she says I get upset over small things. This is really frusterating to hear when I talk to her for an hour about her gaining a few pounds! I am happy to talk to her about little things that make her mad; its my job, but it is also hers. This leads me into my next and biggest problem.

 

This girl is not mindful at all. She frequently forgets important deadlines and physical things. I am definitely disorganized in the grand scheme of things, but I have learned the adult skills needed to function. Her lack of mindfullness transfers to the emotional realm too. Unfortunately I am currently jealous and it is driving me nuts. I have talked to her about this (and again she dismisses it, blaming it on me, but I dont think much of it is my fault).

 

She flirted with her friends a lot. They are all a big flirty bunch, the guys, the girls, and the like. These are new friends she got about 4 months ago. Anyway we were hanging out about a month ago (I am cool with all her friends and they all like me a lot) and she is tickling and hugging the guys in the group a lot. After we hang out, I tell her about this and the problem and its a little better, but upon haning out next she is talking in a sweet voice calling the guys pet names. I tell her that upsets me too and shes understanding. This type of thing happens a few more times and I am sick of calling her out. In her defense she stops each particular behavior I have a problem with, but I am really sick of bringing it up so much. Its not so hard to intuitively guess what would upset your boyfriend, especially since I directly have told her im a bit jealous because of x y and z. She responds with, "Its not fair you are jealous." This type of behavior makes me want to break up with her.

 

She complains that all her previous boyfriends have had this problem (oh really, it makes sense). She has never cheated, and im not really worried about it. She just has no filter between her feelings and her actions. Knowing I am jealous should mean a little bit more attention and care to make sure I am confident things are fine; however, she tells me things like all her friends (who she works with) rated each other on how hot everyone is. She brags that she got number one and everyone's list. How does it make me feel to know she sat there thinking she rated how hot her male co-workers are? Its not a big deal, but after a month of her not really paying attention to my jealous feeling, it is frusterating.

 

So now, I feel like I should break up with her. I dont want to until couples counseling. I am getting her some really awesome christmas presents too. I love her a lot, and I see this as something that could change. At the same time, I know I could find someone else, and while we share a very unique bond, her tangible girlfriend skills are lacking.

 

I would very much appreciate some advice. This got much longer than I intended, and Ill keep it shorter next time!

[Sn0man]

Tell her, in impolite terms, what you said here. It's time for an ultimatum, my friend.

 

You obviously have a problem with her dismissiveness of your issues, and of her flirting. I'd be blunt. "I don't like this and if it soesn't stop, right now, i'm ending it, because you dismiss me and my feelings". Something along those lines.

 

Time to make a stand for what you feel is understanding behavior, and what is not.

[Luke Skywalker]

I think 22 years old is the youngest age to look for someone who is 'responsible' for a relationship.

[HajiMaji]

I am going to talk to her about it. Part of me feels like I should wait to bring this up. We are apart for the holidays, and I dont want to talk about this over the phone. Furthermore, everything has been rough lately given the extreme amount of work we both have been doing in the past 3 months.

 

I feel like it is wiser for me to wait until after the new year to bring up these issues. Does anyone else agree? I obviously still love this girl, and I guess if any relationship is going to work long term, the next 3 weeks or so dont mean much in the grande scheme of thing. I am home for the holidays anyway so we dont talk a ton or anything.