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Progress...when will I be able to let go...?


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So I'm doing a lot better... I'm on day 18 of NC. It really wouldn't have gone as well as it did had I not engrossed myself into a book series that's kept my mind else where. I'm an obsessive person...I have to have something to hold my mind to keep it off him. I can't imagine this time having been successful at all if it hadn't been for my distraction.


I feel like I've finally been able to detach myself a bit emotionally. He tried to contact me a few days ago...I didn't answer him, but it surprised me. I hadn't expected to hear from him. But it strirred some of the feelings again. Part of me is curious to know if he's reconsidered, or if he just wants to chit chat. I wonder if my lack of a response will deter him from contacting me again...if it'll just fade away. I've been working on improving myself and it does make me feel a lot better--I'm getting in shape. I just wish I'd started sooner. It's satisfying---sickly so---to think that if I did ever see him again, or he came accross my picture, that I'd be a prettier girl than the one he broke up with. I think of it now more so as preparing myself for the future, for someone who'll be *happy* to be with me, appreciative. I know I deserve it. I just wish I didn't have to care about him any more. That's very much what it feels like too, like my attention is being held unwillingly to this object that causes me pain...like looking at the sun when it burns your eyes---but it's getting better. It wasn't a long or serious relationship...it has to let me go some time...

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