Is it possible to never get over someone?

[lamentlovelost]

My girlfriend of 5 years left me 1.5 years ago for my best friend and I still am not remotely over it. I've been living in a funk for the past year and a half and I haven't enjoyed life at all. I feel like I am just coasting along without direction. I saw a bunch of pictures today of her with the new guy. They moved into this nice house, bought a giant tv and she is helping to raise his kids (from a previous marriage) as though they are her own.

 

I thought I was going to marry this girl; i loved her that much. When I see these pictures I just think to myself "god she is soo incredibly over me". I really miss her and I'm having real difficulty accepting that it's over. I mean, I know that it's over but I feel like, without her, I really don't have anything to live for (not suicidal). It really sucks that she couldn't care less about me and I still count down the days until she comes back to me (which will never happen I know).

[arwen]

I'm sorry moving on is so difficult on you. It seems to me that you are not helping yourself by looking at recent pictures of her new house and life. How do you get these? Are they on facebook or something? No contact includes no looking at their pages in my opinion.

[lamentlovelost]

yeah they are on facebook. We have a lot of mutual friends (which sucks) and so her face is always popping up on facebook. I asked her to block me a couple months ago (for some reason I couldn't block her) and she did. However, for some reason I can still see her photo albums if other people are tagged in them or comment on them. I know I shouldn't be looking at that stuff, but it's addictive like a drug.

[wtm78]

get a "fining" system... everytime you look at her photos or think how good she is... fine yourself $100... pass the fine to a trusted friend who will keep account for you... people are moved when something move their heart... money will surely touh your heart in a special way... that way you can help yourself out of a vivisious cycle and also have some savings for yourself in future...

[arwen]

You'd be surprised what a relief it can be to DO block someone or to actively get things that remind you of them out of your life. What is keeping you from getting over her is the fact that you are not letting go. Blocking her would mean you wouldn't know about her life. Somehow you want to know, and you keep on torturing yourself. Yes, you can get over someone. Not to the extent that you will not remember them, but it can be like how it is for me; I can look at his facebook (he has a unique name and I looked him up, didn't add him as friend, facebook didn't exist when we were together)- I just remember him and how we were and I am amazed how different my life is now (read: how happy). It's longer ago for me, but I cut off all sources of information and contact directly after the final break up (yes we broke up three times).

 

It has helped me a lot to remove all the gifts from my house, not contact his friends for a while, request mutual friends to not tell me about him. After a year or so I didn't care about news about him that much. Now he is just in the past, a real closed chapter. You need to close that chapter yourself, that's all I am telling you

 

Let her go.

[civilservant]

The problem with blocking is that you can unblock too, I wish there was a way to permenantly irreversably block a person on facebook.

[lamentlovelost]

I know that is something I need to do. I just have a problem with letting go completely. As if, by holding onto whatever I can, I feel like she is still a part of my life. Of course that is only because I am making her out to be that way.

 

Sometimes I just get these reality checks and I think to myself "is this real...is this really how things ended up?"

 

It's also hard because, like I said, she left me for my best friend and they are still together raising his kids and will most likely get married. He was my best friend for over 10 years and I was with her for 5. That isn't something that is easy to get over...Hell, he lived with us for two years (with his wife) while we were still together. I go between jealousy and anger all the time. I love her sometimes and, at others, I wish she would just disappear off of the face of the earth. It's hard to feel like that about someone you were ready to give your life to.

[billy v]

nvm.

 

wrong thread

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wonder if part of the reason why you can't let go is because of the way things ended..the double betrayal...she betrayed you and so did your friend. That is a huge thing to get over..it is not like she walked away and went to some unknown person...this was your friend. So I wonder if it is really the betrayal you can't get over rather than her.

[lamentlovelost]

You hit it right on the nose. It really is the betrayl that has been tearing at me for so long. This was a very close friend of mine that I did a lot for and who literally stole her away from me instead of being there for me. She cheated on me with him and they plotted, while we were still together, to break up his marriage and our relationship. The breakup was horrible (sooooo bad) and she has been horrible ever since. I know that if they were to break up and she tried to get back to me I'd most likely say hell no to her and go on with my life happily. I just can't stand that they are still together and most likely will remain together for a very long time. I also can't stomach the thought that she is happier with this d-bag than she was with me. That all the horrible things they did were justified by their happiness together. I don't know how I feel about karma, but this kind of stuff isn't supposed to happen to good people (and I am a pretty decent person). I was a good friend to him and a very loving boyfriend to her. I was the one who constantly got walked on by both of them and then they cap it all off by doing this to me.

[redrose85]

Don't you worry, karma will get both of them for treating you (and his ex-wife) the way that they did. I'm really sorry that this happened to you. You will definitely find love again, once you open yourself up to it. Don't sweat it.

[keefy1972]

Yeah, breakups can be painful and take a long time to get over, but in this case, you had a double whammy. You broke up with your girlfriend AND your best friend. A year and a half, after five years, is really not that long. You will be fine. You just can't allow yourself to live in the misery of what happened to you.

 

A time will come when you have to get up, and proactively seek out recovery, because its not going to happen if you are just sitting at home and moping about how they are having your idealized life together.

 

Getting over heartbreak, and betrayal, are both things you can actively decide to do. Once you get through your grief, you will make that decision, and you will be on the road to recovery. Keep your chin up.

[Tinnes]

1,5 year is not enough time to get over someone, after they hurt you so badly. So, do not stress over it that much. Just let the time to do it's own work and in the midtime you live your life the best you can.

They are not important persons in this picture of yours - it's only you. So, forget about them. Do not waste your time thinking about them, looking their pictures... Go and make your own 'pictures' and enjoy in them.

Learn to forgive in orther not to live with bad thought is your mind. You know that you're not the one that acted dishonest, so do not let their actions to inflict your life. Even though they are 'bad guys' never wish anything bad for them. Let them eat what they cooked. Whish them the best. You are above all that thing.

[waveseer]

To answer your question, it is definitely possible to never get over someone. It's entirely up to you. The healing process takes time and effort but lasting results may be achieved by anyone who really tries. Bad things happen to people every day, but it's our attitude about them that changes our feelings. So when you think about what happenned, instead of feeling hurt and angry over betrayal and disrespect, try to think about the huge favor that they both did you for showing you their true colors in this decade instead of years and years down the road. This way you can choose to get on with your life and choose healthier people to hang with.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Ready2heal has a very good point...they showed you their true colours now rather than 10, 15 years down the line. I have very often seen karma come right back at people who have screwed me over..in one way or another it does come right back at them. People who really screw someone over tend to have the personality where they will screw anyone over and that's what they do...until one day they screw someone over who has more power than them, and then they are squashed to the ground. I have seen it happen.

[scornandtorn]

lamentlovelost,

 

I am also the victum of the double betrayal. I am three and a half years out and there is not a day that goes by that I don,t think about it. She stole over a decade of my life from me, had a two year affair with my friend, and ulimately divorced me for him.

 

My advice to you is, first eliminate the triggers (facebook, etc.) and secondly understand it is not your fault. Something is broken inside of them and sooner or later it will emerge again.

 

I have been rebuilding the destruction of a marriage she left behind for me to deal with. When I look back I can see a measurable amount of progress and that is at least something positive.

 

Good luck.

[lamentlovelost]

You guys are totally right that they are broken people and it's for the better that this happened now, rather than 10 years down the road.

 

Call me an eternal pessimist but I really don't see how I dodged a bullet on this one. Sure, they are both extremely fractured people. My ex best friend is a total a-hole who only cares about himself and he was always a crappy friend for the 10 years I knew him. I helped him out financially by loaning him money countless times. I allowed him to move into our house twice (after the first time I was a fool to do it again; he and his wife were horrible roommates). I gave him rides whenever he needed them and I bought him lunch at work over 100 times when he had no money (he went massively into debt and even had his paychecks garnished by creditors and for tickets he couldn't pay). He ultimately thanked me by stealing away the girl I loved and wanted to marry. He left his wife to steal my girl away 1 month after his twins were born. My ex is prone to violent mood swings and she is also narcissistic, controlling and cruel. No matter how much I loved her during the relationship she could never respect me and hardly ever treated me kindly. I was her emotional stomping ground for 5 years and she really topped it all in how she left me.

 

However, what if they stay together for 25 years, never cheat on each other and live a wonderful life together (from what I hear, that is how things are with them right now). What if it was I who caused her to treat me so badly (not saying everything was my fault) and what if being with him stabilizes her and gives her real happiness. How then am I dodging a bullet? All it does is justify to her what she did to me. It's also lengthening the time it takes to get over her and what happened. How am I supposed to believe there is good in the world when bad people like them can find happiness through actions such as those they took?

[waveseer]

lll, even if they are happy and continue to be so, at least they are no longer hurting you. You are perfectly free to heal and make your own happiness.

[yankeefan74]

However, what if they stay together for 25 years, never cheat on each other and live a wonderful life together (from what I hear, that is how things are with them right now).

 

Well, that's not likely to happen. This has train wreck written all over it...you had to deal with all her bs, he didn't see any of that about her...because she dumped it on you. Once the weight of that comes down on him...what do you think she'll do? In my experience, people like this repeat their patterns.

 

Regardless...you did dodge a bullet. There's someone else out there that will make you forget you ever cared about either one of these clowns.