Met online. Now what?

[High5girl]

I'm not sure if I placed this thread in the right forum. Regardless, I hope someone can help me figure this one out. Mostly men's opinions are needed, but a female's point of view are welcome.

 

I met this man online a couple weeks back at a dating site. We only live 7 miles away from each other. After a few emails, he tells me that he is "gun shy" of going past a friendship with me, but only time can tell whether or not we will be more. He was burned pretty bad during his last relationship.

Also, he isn't fond of children. I have a 5 yr Daughter. He didn't come out and say that he isn't fond of kids nor have I asked him his feelings regarding children, but a profile at myspace indicated that he isn't to children and doesn't want them. For the record, I didn't met him at myspace.

 

Ever since I found out that he was gun shy of having a relationship and doesn't seem that crazy about children. I backed off on thought of a relationship, but still remained his friend b/c he is really a sweetheart.

Now he seems more eager to be more than friends. He's not pushy about a relationship and he's not rushing one, but indicates he does like me more than a friend. Huh?

Ok? what is that all about? One minute he says he didn't really want a relationship, but has a couple profiles at 2 different sites. (Saying he is looking for friends first and then a relationship) Then tells me he doesn't know if there will be one. I realize it may be too soon to decide.

He's not into me? Granted we email 4x's a day. Long emails too. Talking about ourselves and getting to know each other all day long.

And my Daughter comes first. So, I know that a relationship is more than likely out of the question. I don't believe it's a booty call or fwb thing either since he has type 2 diabetes and has problems in that dept.

 

Can anyone shed some light on this matter? Please and thank you.

[Batya33]

When I met men through on line dating sites, typically we emailed once or twice, had one or two phone calls and then met in person for coffee to see if we should meet again on a real date. I didn't find the additional typing and talking prior to meeting relevant to whether I would be comfortable talking with this person for about 45 minutes in a public place, nor was it relevant to whether we'd click in person.

 

If the person did not want to meet in person in the very near future and/or wasn't looking in general for a long term relationship, I stopped being in contact with the person because I already had enough friends, including on line friends.

 

If you are curious to meet him, then tell him that you will meet him for a drink during the day for an hour to see if it makes sense to go on a real date - there's no reason to be talking about whether you two have potential for a relationship at this stage. If it were me I wouldn't meet him because of the children issue and how he acted up to this point, but if you want to meet him, why not?

[High5girl]

Batya,

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.

 

I think at this point, there really isn't much of a connection romantically.

I would like to be his friend, but don't want to lead him on (in case he does like me in some way) He seems to be sending mixed messages about whether or not he wants a friendship or relationship.

 

I really don't know how or what to tell him. He classifies himself as handicapped. I don't want him to think I don't have a desire to be friends right now due to that.

I really don't know what to tell him. I know being honest helps, but it's hard when it's a situation like that.

 

I'm just confused about when a person joins a dating site...says they are looking for a serious relationship and then when it comes to it, they have a different story to tell, but acts like they want a relationship. I don't get it. Help? lol

I wouldn't be at a dating site if I was looking for just a friend.

I'm 37, I don't want to play the guessing game and try to figure someone out. I feel it's too soon to ask him since he told me only a few days ago that he was gun shy of having it go beyond hanging out.

[Batya33]

I don't think there is ever a romantic connection that is relevant or counts before people meet in person. I do think that if the purpose in meeting is not to see if you should go on a date the next time you meet then it is a waste of time to meet unless you are just looking for a friend. Who knows why people who don't want to date join a dating site? Maybe they are bored, lonely, looking for sex, convincing themselves that they are trying to date by being on a dating site?

 

When I did on line dating I didn't trouble myself with that sort of analysis - if a man did not want to meet in person in the near future (as soon as we both could given work and travel schedules) to see if we clicked and to see if we should go on a date then I moved on to the next person.

 

I wasn't there to make friends, be a therapist or do psychoanalysis. If you feel sorry for this person because he says he has disabilities and you want to be his on line buddy, by all means, but I wouldn't spend any more time wondering whether he is going to want to meet you for purposes of dating - just tell him that if he wants to in the future, he can let you know and if you are interested and available you'll consider it.

 

I wouldn't accept less than having a specific time and place in mind - no more "yes, maybe in the future". If you want to stay in touch, then make it clear that you are staying in touch just to be penpals while you continue to contact people who want to meet you for the purposes of dating.

[midnightrambler]

maybe he is just looking for some action?

[D_Lish]

You sure the guy aint married??

 

Sounds to me like he is looking for nothing serious.

[hmdreamer7]

Sounds like it's time to bring up the important issues. I agree with batya33, you should be clear of what you're looking for, and if that's not what he wants, or if he can't accept the idea of the two of you never going past friendship, then you may have to move on. But since you two are having a good connection right now as friends, just be open with him about your concerns - say exactly what's on your mind!

[High5girl]

Batya,

Again, thanks for the well needed advice.

 

To answer some of the questions asked by others.

No he is not married. I have both his phone numbers. And was told to call anytime. His work phone as well. I know his last name. (I looked his divorce records up online)

Not really snooping, but I have met a couple of men online who claimed to be single, but were indeed married. These are also public records.

His family is on his myspace. They mention his divorce. Which was over 2 yrs ago.

 

As for wanting action. He claims due to his diabetes, it's alittle difficult to do much sexually. I don't know if that is true. Meaning, I'm not sure if he is telling to truth about not being able to get it up. I know people with type 2 diabetes have that problem at times.

 

There is no hesitation to meet in person. He only lives about 7 miles away. Me being a woman and for safety reasons, I don't like to run out the door right away to meet someone that I met online. When both parties are comfortable, is a good time to meet. We are taking one step at a time.

At this point in time, it's no where near serious. We are or were establishing a friendship first.

 

Regarding the dating site, he knows what I was there looking for.

A relationship. I admire him for being upfront and saying he was gun shy about it going past hanging out. He didn't lead me to believe we were going to be a couple from the start.

 

The fact remains, he isn't that crazy about children. I would like to be with someone who can accept or want to be around my Daughter at times. (Her Father is involved in her life)

But he seems to be deadset against children.

I'm pretty much going to back away from the situation. Maybe a friendship is possible down the road, but right now, I don't want to invest time in someone, like them and then come to find out that they are only wanting a friendship. He confuses me about what he wants.

If I have to figure someone out that much, chances are, they might not be worth my time.

[Mutley]

The anti-children thing would be a deal breaker for me.

 

My kids are a big part of my life.

[waveseer]

Do you want friends you've never met?

[High5girl]

Do you want friends you've never met?

 

 

No one said we didn't plan to meet. There would be no point being on a dating site or in an online romance if there it didn't have some sort of meeting down the road involved.

We've only been talking for about 2 weeks. For me, I need to feel comfortable with someone b4 running out the door to meet them. Atleast look for red flags or something being off before meeting in person.

 

As of now, we are just talkling. We were trying to establish a friendship.

But I have second thoughts due to the children factor and him not knowing what he wants.

[Batya33]

No one said we didn't plan to meet. There would be no point being on a dating site or in an online romance if there it didn't have some sort of meeting down the road involved.

We've only been talking for about 2 weeks. For me, I need to feel comfortable with someone b4 running out the door to meet them. Atleast look for red flags or something being off before meeting in person.

 

As of now, we are just talkling. We were trying to establish a friendship.

But I have second thoughts due to the children factor and him not knowing what he wants.

 

That is why I strongly suggest you meet for 45 minutes for coffee in a public place - no need to have a strong connection to do that - all you need to know is that you are comfortable enough to meet in a public place for 45 minutes (or less!). Typing and talking become largely irrelevant after a few emails because you won't know much relevant information at all about what the person is like in person.

[High5girl]

Again Thanks Batya. I keep saying that. lol....

 

 

Personally, after giving it much thought....I'm not going to pursue anything with this man. Not even a friendship. I don't want to waste or invest time getting to know him or even meeting him in public only to be disappointed that it probably won't be anything more than friends. Him and I are on different pages when it comes to what we are looking for. The way I look at things is that he either likes me or he doesn't. Mized signals from him aren't helping. I honestly don't have time for all of that. I had other options at that dating site, but his profile was sincere, genuine and stood out from the rest. In a way, I'm relieved that he told me upfront that he was very leary about going past the "hanging out stage"

He's over his Ex Wife, but not over what she did to him while they were married and during their divorce. Why should I or anyone else have to be punished for what she did?

Thanks to everyone else who gave their opinions or advice.

[High5girl]

Just giving an update for those who followed this thread.

 

it's been a few days and haven't heard from him. I'm not bothered and hoping he kinda went away on his own. I really didn't want to explain why I didn't want to be friends with him anymore.

At the site where we met, he has some woman leaving him a bunch of comments. I went thru yesterday to remove my account and checked to see if he had been around. He was b/c he approved the comments.

 

So, whether he dropped off the face of the earth or simply wanted to keep his options open...I'm ok with either one. lol....

One of my male friends suggested he probably didn't want to be more than friends b/c of the child factor, wanting to keep his options open or just wasn't into me. Which is fine by me. I'm good.

 

Thanks again everyone.

[auburnslp]

OK...you have a 5 year old daughter...he is not into kids. He's diabetic and sexually affected by it-and diabled you say to a certain degree.

 

You are gorgeous and have a beautiful 5 year old girl that is everything to you.

 

I'm confused.

 

Someone please explain this to me

[auburnslp]

sorry-let me back up a tad-I've done the online dating thing. It's fun, and I have met great people there...but really, there are also a ton of wrong people there. Sounds like you have found one of the wrong ones...so keep looking, right?

 

My advice for the future though-don't get so emotionally invested/involved after such a short period of time, in the future. You need to realize your worth, and then realize that any potential suitor has to measure up completely-to your standards, before you begin to even give him the time of day.

 

There's no hurry sweet. You will find the man for you-but you absolutely need to make sure that he is the complete package, and also, you should slow down...

 

Just my opinion.

[High5girl]

Thanks for the opinion Auburn.

I'm not really in any hurry to find anyone. As I mentioned to you earlier, I've been single for about a year. Took time off to do some self reflecting...yadda, yadda....Atleast I was smart enough not to want to pursure anything. and to be honest, I wasn't really into him that much.

I was just confused by him. You men can be confusing sometimes. lol

[auburnslp]

Hey-fair enough!

 

I have always said-I'm a fairly bright guy, and I have learned just a couple things in life...and yet I have only learned one thing about women...just one thing...and that is-

 

I know nothing about women.