Need Advice Please! To Stay Or To Leave? My sons happiness? Or Mine?

[singlemom07]

Okay, let's start off by saying that I am a single mother of a three year old boy. I was raised by just my mother and it has been hard for me to stay in relationships. Sometimes I think I would be happier by myself. I am very independent. So, I have been dating a guy for almost a year. My sons father has not been in his life so he immediately got attached to the guy I have been dating. This guy is wonderful to the both of us. He treats my son like he is his own. He treats me like gold. Unfortunately, there are no sparks for me. When he goes to kiss me or hug me, it almost makes me sick. As for sex, it is terrible! I feel like a total jerk! I know it is hard to find a decent person that will not only be there for you but will be there for a child that isn't theirs. I've found that and I don't want it for some reason. I feel like I have been forcing myself to be with him for my son. My misery is worth every minute as long as my son is happy. But, I care for this guy and I don't want to hurt him. I'm not sure if I should stay with him to spare his feelings and my sons happiness or break up with him to ensure my happiness. Part of me feels like for once I should be selfish. And if I break up with him, when should I do it? It is so close to Christmas and he just found out both of his parents have cancer. I would hate to add to his pain. I just don't know what to do. Why do things have to be this damn difficult?!

[greywolf]

Have you always felt this way about the guy?

[NJRon]

Hmm... the timing is a bit off. It concerns me that you feel the physical contact with him almost makes you sick. I know that feeling... but there is usually something, aside from the actual contact, that is causing me to feel that way.

 

Are you feeling trapped? Do you think you would feel differently if your son wasn't a factor?

 

Children are typically happy when their parents are happy. So, if you are unhappy, there is little else that can really make up for that.

[singlemom07]

When we first met, I really liked him. The sex was never good, but he was always a great guy. Then it just started to fade. It kind of always happens that way with me. I wonder if I'm just weird?

[singlemom07]

I don't really feel trapped, I just want the best for my son. I honestly believe if I did not have my son, the relationship would have been over a long time ago.

[greywolf]

When we first met, I really liked him. The sex was never good, but he was always a great guy. Then it just started to fade. It kind of always happens that way with me. I wonder if I'm just weird?

 

I think you're the type that only wants the 'honeymoon' phase in relationships and gets bored once it's gone.

[NJRon]

Well, I really believe you should ponder how much your own happiness affcets the happiness of your son and base your decision on that understanding.

[auburnslp]

It's simple. Your son's happiness relies mostly on your happiness. End of story. Yes it would be a setback and hard for a 3 year old, but they are incredibly resilient. You can't be miserable and raise a happy child.

[loulee]

Children are NEVER a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship. And you may be surprised to know the younger they are the more adaptable they are to change..Its not always smooth sailing but can be to some extent. Your happiness is paramount as a parent..children are very sensitive to unhappiness in the home. Its easy to disguise when they are little but it gets harder as time goes on... Sounds to me like you would be far better off on your own at this point. ANd perhaps your current partner can remain in your sons life to a lesser degree,,if you end up parting ways. Some time on your own to grow emotionally and see what you really want in someone as a partner and in your families future seem to be in order here.. Dont stay for your child you will regret it enormously and trust me you will NEVER get those years back if you stay and remain unhappy and that would be a real shame....

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If everything else about the relationship is good except the sex, perhaps you could try to spice things up with him. Talk to him about sex, and perhaps rent some videos on improving sex (like the 'Better Sex' series, not porn but for couples to help them explore their sexuality). There is also counseling for couples who have sexual dysfunction.

 

But if other areas of the relationship are not good either, then perhaps you might need to break up with him. Your son loves him, but your son will also love teachers, coaches, etc. who come and go in his life, and you can help him with changes in his life by getting some family counseling with him if you think it will be too traumatic.

 

Next time don't get a man involved with your son at all until you are fairly sure the guy has everythign it takes for you to go the distance.

[loulee]

Next time don't get a man involved with your son at all until you are fairly sure the guy has everythign it takes for you to go the distance.

 

This is good advice from strong be happy ...learn your lesson from this and more importantly learn who you are and want you really want and that takes time and you will have plenty of this to discover yourself ..your wants and your needs ....

[singlemom07]

Thanks so much for your advice.. I really appreciate it!

[ghost69]

you son's happiness will reflect in his mother's. especially if she is a single mother. trust me.

[girl68]

Your son will quickly learn how unhappy you are. Kids are not stupid they know much more than you ever think they do. You will be (if you stay) setting a bad example of what a relationship should be. He will grow up thinking it's okay to be unhappy in your marriage. Not to mention that over time you will start to resent your son for unintentionally making you stay (for the sake of his happiness and well being).

 

Your son would be much better off being co-raised by a man who is all that AND some which means everything you love in your partner now plus the spark you are missing. That man exists, find him.