Why can’t I find an honest woman?

[leo73]

Oooooo….it’s like I have a radar for finding the wrong types of women.

 

Here is the typical woman I always end up finding (or at least the ones I always fall in love with):

Smart, witty, self-aware, down to earth, cute but not pretty, does not have many friends but is a very likable person, not overly confident about their looks, can discuss any subject intelligently, well read and has definite opinions on worldly issues.

 

Sounds great, right? Wrong! Because the ones I find are also secretly selfish and quietly self absorbed.

 

What’s the result? We will have a great relationship, I will fall in love, and then she will just wake up one day and decide to move on. This has happened to me more times than I care to remember. There is never a concrete reason for them to leave, at least none that anyone can discern, they just leave. It seems as if the significant men in their lives are never more than a tool for self esteem building or a distraction from the pain of a life yet unrealized. They leave, we remain friends, and I continue to support them emotionally, physically, and financially. It turns out that I am one bridge that just won’t burn. And can you believe that I’m actually kinda proud of that fact? Ooooof!

 

I have come to recognize certain tell tales in these women that throw up red flags for me.

 

First, they use phrases like “I wish I could be more assertive” or “I wish I could speak my mind and not have people hate me for it”. This tells me that they really have some sort of resentment toward others. That they would like to tell people off but are afraid of being labeled a * * * * * .

 

Second, they often find it impossible to be friends with their ex’s. Not because of anything they did themselves…it’s always the other guys fault. Like I said, they are very self-aware women so it’s not that they haven’t examined their own roles in the relationship but that they have examined it and found no fault of their own.

 

Third, they rarely ask about me or my life. It is something that I always have to offer for consideration. It is always the present or future they are concerned with and not the past, anyone‘s past. Perhaps it is because I have always later learned that they have been leaving a trail of burnt bridges behind them.

 

Lastly, they rarely discuss how they are feeling with the people they know. They sometimes will seek advice but can never accept it so they just put it all into a journal and be their own best friends.

 

These are some of the signs that tip me off right from the beginning.

 

To make a long story even longer, I have met and gone out with another one of these women (number 6 for me). We met at the grocery store and lamented over the fact that we were both unemployed. We had coffee and got to know each other quickly. But, she showed all of the tell tale signs that I have already discussed. I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt (because I am really attracted to her) but I have a sickening feeling that it will end exactly as the others

 

The question is not whether I will end it now, because I probably won’t even though I know it will end soon enough and I obviously like getting hurt. The question is…how do I avoid these women in the future or at least how do I find the truly nice girls that I am apparently blind to? What would be an example of some positive signs that I am actually talking to the right kind of girl? And what is it that will attract them to me?

[Nutz]

Take a step back for a moment and consider what the common denominator is in these relationships. If you haven't guessed it, it's YOU.

[Balbina]

I wouldn't write the girl off just because she seems awesome. That sounds really silly. Maybe you should instead get to know the girl more before you invest yourself emotionally in the person. It's the wise thing to do.

[penelope13]

you have analyzed very well all the tell tale signs for you to be cautious. just make the next step and follow your own advice and stay away from these type of women, even if the chemical attraction is strong (since that hasn't served you well so far). go with your mind for once, since that knows what is good and isn't good for you. you just have to learn how to control your impulse to react to chemical attraction in absense of other things, like an attractive personality.

 

maybe also try to figure out why/ what really attracts you to these women.

[leo73]

It's all true. I am the common denominator. But I can own up to my own mistakes in my relationships when they can't. I think that says something about them.

 

Why am I attracted to these women? Who wouldn't be? They seem awesome when I first meet them and talk often about finding someone who will truly love them for who they are. I offer that and then I get stepped on. Most of them are now with men they could care less about and have told me as much (because we're still friends)

 

Where do you go to meet girls who are capable of thinking about someone other than themselves? And how do you recognize them?

[nutbrownhare]

I'm not clear from your post whether you've already worked out for yourself the things I'm about to say, and I apologise if you have, but here goes ...

 

'They leave, we remain friends, and I continue to support them emotionally, physically, and financially. It turns out that I am one bridge that just won’t burn. And can you believe that I’m actually kinda proud of that fact? Ooooof!'

 

This sounds suspiciously like you're setting yourself up - right, choose a woman who won't commit, give her everything you've got and then complain that you can't find an honest woman. WHY are you continuing to give to these women when you can see they've nothing to give back to you?

 

'Not because of anything they did themselves…it’s always the other guys fault. Like I said, they are very self-aware women so it’s not that they haven’t examined their own roles in the relationship but that they have examined it and found no fault of their own.'

 

Sorry, but anyone who can look at their role in a relationship and find no 'fault' or at least, contribution, of their own, is NOT self-aware!

 

In a later post you say:

 

'But I can own up to my own mistakes in my relationships when they can't. I think that says something about them.'

 

Yes, it does say something about them (it would make me run a mile!). But it also says something about you that, despite being aware of their pattern, you hang on in there.

 

You know what the tell-tale signs are for you, yet you continue. There is a payoff for you here; it might be helpful to work out what it is, and whether you really want it.

 

If not, take notice of your gut feelings. These days I don't question mine any more; just obey them, and from a safe distance you can analyse why they're there. But your intuition is one of the most useful things you have! Use it!

[leo73]

It's funny how my perspective has changed when I see it all typed out like this on ENA. I think you're right and I am going to try and run from this new girl because she might be poison for me. And I need to seriously think about why I am so attracted to women that need nothing emotionally from me.

 

The pattern must be broken!

 

But I still don't know how to recognize the girls I am trying to find. I see many of them post on this site...the ones that actually care about their man's feelings in a genuine way...but I just can't seem to locate them in my own reality. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[nutbrownhare]

You can't necessarily spot the kind of girl you're trying to find from first impressions.

 

Get to know someone slowly, get past the 'honeymoon stage' of a relationship and see who the person really is, before committing yourself emotionally. If you find yourself overwhelmed with romantic feelings very early on - GET A GRIP!!! You haven't got enough information in the very early stages.

 

Abusers - whether emotional or physical - are charming and lovely in the first stages of a relationship. But so are people who are genuinely lovely ... it's just that the latter will hold back a bit and get to know you as a person before leaping in.

[waveseer]

Well from your description you know what attracts you, except that you can't spot a liar/faker until it's late.

 

This is the story of my love life pretty much from day 1.

[leo73]

This is the story of my love life pretty much from day 1.

 

So how do you deal with it?

[JenniferSNJ]

Where do you go to meet girls who are capable of thinking about someone other than themselves? And how do you recognize them?

 

 

Simple things.

 

Does she have a few best friends?

 

Is she close with her family?

 

How does she treat the waitress, etc.?

 

Does she volunteer? How does she feel about volunteering?

 

Does she hold open the door for the person behind her? Ill be honest- I judge everyone based on this. I think it speaks volumes!

 

stuff like that- little signs of consideration are apparent if you look for them.

[leo73]

Simple things.

 

Does she have a few best friends?

 

Is she close with her family?

 

How does she treat the waitress, etc.?

 

Does she volunteer? How does she feel about volunteering?

 

Does she hold open the door for the person behind her? Ill be honest- I judge everyone based on this. I think it speaks volumes!

 

stuff like that- little signs of consideration are apparent if you look for them.

 

 

These are hard because I think all of my ex's showed one or all of these characteristics in a good way. But what was different was how distant they were from these other people, even when they treated them kindly. It seemed like the women I have known would always treat strangers very well, but bash on those that were close to them. Funny huh?

[jaysfan2000]

Simple things.

 

Does she have a few best friends?

 

Is she close with her family?

 

How does she treat the waitress, etc.?

 

Does she volunteer? How does she feel about volunteering?

 

Does she hold open the door for the person behind her? Ill be honest- I judge everyone based on this. I think it speaks volumes!

 

stuff like that- little signs of consideration are apparent if you look for them.

 

I met someone recently who was very close with her family, held the door open, treated the waitress nicely....and she turned out to be a liar/flake/disingenuous person.

 

Short answer: there is no way of knowing, unless you're a mind reader. Go with your gut or do trial and error. Either way, there is never a sure fire way of finding an honest women or person in general.

 

Personally, I tend to believe the "all women are evil....and we only lust after them because they have what we want", theory, but maybe that's just me.

[StrawberryYogurt]

I met someone recently who was very close with her family, held the door open, treated the waitress nicely....and she turned out to be a liar/flake/disingenuous person.

 

Short answer: there is no way of knowing, unless you're a mind reader. Go with your gut or do trial and error. Either way, there is never a sure fire way of finding an honest women or person in general.

 

Personally, I tend to believe the "all women are evil....and we only lust after them because they have what we want", theory, but maybe that's just me.

 

You guys are missing her point. Her point is your chances of finding a great girl are much higher if a girl hits on all of that list than if she does not. It's just that it's not a guarantee, that's just life. But you want to decrease your risk.

[penelope13]

maybe you are just not giving yourself enough time to get to know a girl properly, before you allow yourself to be swepped away. I understand the rush of falling in love and wanting to experience the new relationship immediately, but the more time you allow yourself to get to know the person, the healthier it might be for you in the meantime.

 

I guess it takes some "training" not to give in to your emotions immediately. I am not saying that you should suppress them or that you shouldn't enjoy them, but maybe try to find a different channel for the first few weeks, instead of jumping into the relationship head over heals