just strange lol

[mechie22]

After an extremely strange short open relationship i had with my bf of four years seemed to be a stupid idea, we got to realize how much we loved and wanted just one another.Now we disscussed everything and are now putting all our efforts into one another. Is it strange that im ticked because he didnt tell me the entire truth like he had promised during the whole thing? I mean i told him the truth no matter if he wanted to hear everything i said or not.

I mean its just us now, no more other partners or complications of that calibur and I am trying to figure out how to rebuild from this point. We both realize we want to marry one another but, now i have new fears I never had to worry about before with him. Things such as is he going to cheat? or lie?

Any input would be most helpful and if anything needs to be explained or clarified just ask.

[loulee]

This one is difficult as you have built your relationship together and your feelings towards one and another, knowingly and happily sharing yourselves with other people...You say that he wasnt entirely truthful to you over part of this while your relationship was open...I dont need to tell you in an exclusiive relationship having other sexual partners etc would be considered a terrible betrayal of trust and cause enourmous pain to one or both partners but to date your relationship has thrived on being with other people. So the whole concept of becoming exclusive for both you and him would 1. be a big step and 2. falling short of this or what you would now consider cheating could possibly be as little a thing as forgetting to bring the milk home if you get my point..your commitment needs to be of the highest value to each other now. Will it be? Can it be? only you have the answers to this. You do have some doubt obviously and bear in mind us women are typically full of details about things we do, as men often brief over their activities and more often than not leave out details that WE as women would find significant...So bottom line is CAN you trust him to continue this relationship and completely redefine the boundaries of this relationship...eg. Sleeping about now is not okay or dinner convo.. it is NOW a huge betrayal..does HE feel the same about this..Is his committment to be exclusive as strong as yours... go with your gut on this...I wish you the best of luck

[mechie22]

We only shared an open relationship for about 2 months of the four years. It kinda was a last stitch effort to see if we belonged together. Otherwise our relationship was rocky and very very unhealthy but, now things r amazing besides the new found doubts i have in him and im sure he has his own set as well.

I love him with all my heart and I know he feels the same.I guess im just asking how do we move on from that blip and how do i regroup?

[Lecturer]

I read your other thread, and I'd have to say that was not an "open relationship". A truly open relationship is one in which both members agree (and are happy about) the terms and conditions imposed. Further, it seemed like he wanted it open for himself but not for you.

 

You did not seem happy about the open aspect at any point. What's worse is that he basically ignored you and forced it that way anyway (that's the way you make it sound). This is troublesome in that he was not being very considerate of your feelings... he wanted it open for selfish reasons. It was particularly selfish because he knew you were not happy about it, but did it anyway. THIS is why he hid things from you.

 

I am less concerned that he will cheat on you as I am concerned that you will (and possibly should) break up. There is/was obviously trouble in the relationship, but there is trouble in every relationship... the trick is how to deal with it - TOGETHER - and grow. For whatever problems you HAD (before opening the relationship), his solution was to have sex with other people. That's not a way to solve a problem. I think that, as a couple, you do not seem to solve problems very well.

 

Since he didn't just cheat on you before, I doubt he'll just up and cheat on you now. If he wants to have sex with someone else, he will just ask for (and probably force) an open relationship again. Is that good news for you?

[mechie22]

I can see where you are getting that and Im trying to maintain a certain level of sanity and clarification so i can feel fine. He justifies what he did by saying he needed to feel confident and better about himself and that i took away his manhood and pride by flirting with others. His friends were even against it when he asked advice. As well he says that because he didnt hide the fact that this was going on it makes it better somehow than my flirting and not necessarily telling him right away.

This whole thing keeps screwing with my head and I am far from unattractive but i cant help but develop a complex about the whole thing. Anythng anyone can add will be appreciated.

[blue69]

Sorry dont know all the details but from what it sounds like, you and him didn't fully communicate about everything.

 

You may have felt forced into a "open relationship" but to be honest that is not true. You should have broken the relationship. Then he could be free to run his course.

 

This doesn't sound like an open relationship at all. It sounds more like you were taking a break from your long running relationship to determine if you really wanted to be together. At least that is what it sounds like. Regardless of who was proposing it and who pushed for it.

 

Lets not confuse open relationships with this type of activity.

[mechie22]

I kno and as i stated in my other thread which explains everything in more detail, I should have stood my ground against it. Also I should have left him for good not just move my things out.

[savignon]

You said in your post that your relationship was 'rocky and very very unhealthy' but now it's fine 'except for your doubts'.....I don't think you feel fine at all. Besides 'fine' for a couple of weeks out of 4 years ...is that fine?

I also read your other post and agree that it was not an open relationship as I understand they go...it was a "I'm going to sleep around, be secretive and still have you around when I'm done" relationship.

Consider your feelings strongly before you get married.

[mechie22]

I know I have considered everything and I have said to him everything that has been said by everybody. I dont know. The worst part is this girl wont give up she keeps acting a certain way with him even though i have talked to her myself, and so has he. I got myself in a hole and all i want is out.

[loulee]

. I got myself in a hole and all i want is out.

I think this would be the healthiest option for you..OUT that is...

You have both failed in dealing with the REAL issues in your relationship...you havent even really looked at them at all...what you have both done is create more problems by introducing an open relationship...I always fail to ever see how shagging other people "FIX" relationship communications....in fact more often than not a totally new level of concerns such as distrust and disrespect are introduced....A fresh start looks good for you....truly a man shouldnt have to know how he feels about someone special by letting his #### make important decisions about his future...nor should you...this relationship seems more like an infection than anything...and you need to get well.. emotionally....look after yourself...good luck

[mechie22]

See i wish you would have read my other thread it explains things in more detail. I dont know what the right thing is to do because i am still so emotionally attached.

[mechie22]

update:

My bf and I have been communicating openly about everything and have learned how to compromise on some things. I have more hope for us and he has been making an effort to see me everyday and even suck it up and come to my family christmas eve gathering. I know that sounds bad but they havent been the friendliest people to even me so i understand his leary nature about it. We have been trying to work on the build up of issues that has been accumulated over the years and it so far seems to be working.