Messed up situation

[soccerdrills]

This is my first time here and I really need some help. Please, I really need advice and not judgement.

Let me start off by saying I am married and although I love my husband with all my heart, things have not been going well for the past year or so. He’s slept with two other women (that I know of), been depressed, threatened to kill himself and me and Has been quite emotionally abusive and I had to stop him from hitting me once.

Well, through all this, I have wanted to work on things. I asked if he wanted to get divorced and first he said he wasn’t sure and then he finally agreed to work on things- but he hasn’t. He’s refused to attend counseling with me. He doesn’t want to do anything about his depression. He doesn’t have a job and all he does every day is talk about how he hates his life so much.

I have tried everything I know to help him. I tried to get his family to intervene, and they wouldn’t. I’ve tried to get him to see a doctor and he won’t. He stopped having sex with me and now it’s been almost a year.

Beyond if we work out or not, I am genuinely concerned about him as a person. I just feel like I’m hitting my head against a brick wall. I am not happy. I feel like I am trapped in a loveless marriage. But I also feel like if I walk away then I'm abandoning him.

Let me say for the record that throughout all this I have never cheated on my husband.

Well, I got in touch with an old boyfriend from a few years ago just by coincidence and we met up for drinks.

Although nothing major happened, I did kiss him. I still feel horribly guilty. But to be honest I really enjoyed it. It felt really good to feel wanted by someone. I do not want to date this man at all and I am not going to see him again.

But all of this just got me thinking. I feel like I am half of a person right now. My husband never wants to touch me, be physical with me or even look at me and it hurts. We are sleeping in separate rooms.

I don’t know what to do. I worry that if I try to take action he’s going to threaten me or do something to himself.

I feel like I am being selfish for not wanting to live this way. But I have stuck by his side and I don’t see anything changing, and I don't know if it ever will.

I don’t know if I can continue on this way. Am I a horrible person ? Any Advice ? Please, I need some help and perspective.

[Botched]

Alright, you have a difficult situation. I'm sorry that your having these troubles.

 

My quick answer is that you have to be safe first and foremost. Leaving the home is not out of the question, and it isn't neccessarily divorce yet. I advise you find a safe place to deal with your own difficulties.

 

People have to want help, to be open. He is going through something. You may have some idea of what it is, and you may not. He needs help, and your presense isn't solving the issue. Moreover, if he should discover your experience with the ex it could prove volitile.

 

Consider that your leaving could wake him up. It will provide you greater safety. Many will say that kissing is cheating...I agree. But, he has played his roll and you basically want him to want you. I have forgiven more than he would need to. But for now, the kiss is a non issue as he is dangerous.

 

Take care.

[alli]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. There's another thread here that we've been talking bout marriage & now people today don't take "til death do us part" seriously. But your situation is different. He threatened to kill you! It seems that there is not a lot you can do to help him at this point; you have done everything in your power to help him & he refuses to help himself.

 

Last week, two people were murdered at the house right next to where I lived a year ago. This is a very real concern for you. Reading the story on the news, the woman & the man killed were likely dating & the man that killed them both was the woman's ex. They had several reports of abuse over the past few years.

 

The most dangerous time for a woman is when they leave their abuser. You need to get away from him. Leave him as discreetly as possible & go somewhere that he cannot find you. It is absolutely unacceptable that he has abused you & threatened your life. I know you want to help him, but you can't. At some point, he needs to step up & agree to accept the help he has been offered. You need to consider your own safety first.

[alli]

Do you have kids?

[sidehop]

I'm very sorry to hear about your husband, that must be very tough on you, for you to give so much of yourself and to trying to work out your marriage even after what he did to you. You have a great heart and a lot of patience where most people would've probably said 'screw you' and left.

 

As far as your old friend is concerned, I personally would keep it at a friendship level for now until you know for sure what is going to happen with your marriage. But you don't deserve to be in a situation if it's not making you happy. Do you have any children? I know that could get things complicated but in either case you have to what makes you happy.

 

Don't work up yourself for kissing him but find your own happiness and decide if this marriage is really going to work out or not. I wish you the very best.

[soccerdrills]

Thank you for the replies so far. I appreciate everyone's compassion.

 

No, we do not have kids. Honestly, I am afraid to have them with someone like this. I thought I was pregnant once and he said if I was I would have to kill it.

 

I do not intend to date my friend nor do I ever. I think he kissed me to show me that I am still worth loving as I feel pretty worthless at the moment.

I didn't stop him as I was selfishly craving love that's been lacking in my life for about 2 years.

But no, I do not want to date him. Now or ever.

It just gave me a sort of "wake up" call about how love used to make me feel.

 

I feel emotionally dead right now. I care about my husband. And yes, I do really and truly love him. But all he's put me through so much pain for the past two years. Sadly, I think he slept with someone else again too.

Everyone, including his own mother, thinks I should leave him. I honestly don't know why haven't- other than I love him with all my heart.

 

If I could have what I really wanted. I'd want my husband to go live in an institition which it pains me to say it, is really where he needs to be right now.

And I would want to be alone. Probably, permanently. I'm at the point where I want to be left alone and have some peace for a while.

[alli]

It's time for a change. Are you going to make it happen?

[keefy1972]

I am not happy. I feel like I am trapped in a loveless marriage. But I also feel like if I walk away then I'm abandoning him.

 

That's all well, and good, but if you stay you are abandoning your life. Never stay and sacrafice your own well-being for the sake of another. It stinks but its the way it is. This guy is falling into a black hole and dragging you with him. Do you want that? Do you want to remain unhappy?

 

Are you afraid he would kill himself if you left him? If so, is that the basis for a happy relationship? How much of yourself are you willing to give up for this man, who obviously, doesn't care about anything except his own self-pity.

[25thfloor]

I'm so sorry that your life has become so complicated. Just by what you are telling us here, i would find a very safe place and leave him. you need to take care of yourself. you can't make him seek help, and he doesn't seem to want to help himself. and he's cheating on you to boot. you owe him nothing. he's drained you and is ruining your life. i could care less about some 'promise' i made to someone if they are killing my chance of having a fufilling life. it is not your responsibilty to make another person happy. that is their job. Good luck.

[sidehop]

Thank you for the replies so far. I appreciate everyone's compassion.

 

No, we do not have kids. Honestly, I am afraid to have them with someone like this. I thought I was pregnant once and he said if I was I would have to kill it.

 

No you do not, a child needs a stable family with loving parents. If your husband cannot help himself you'll end up with the child alone whether you two get divorced or not. In a sense it's good you don't have any child(ren) involved.

 

I didn't stop him as I was selfishly craving love that's been lacking in my life for about 2 years.

You are too great of a person, don't ever feel bad, but just keep that good feeling because that's what you need in life with a person you love whether your husband changes or down the road it's someone else.

 

I feel emotionally dead right now. I care about my husband. And yes, I do really and truly love him. But all he's put me through so much pain for the past two years. Sadly, I think he slept with someone else again too.

Everyone, including his own mother, thinks I should leave him. I honestly don't know why haven't- other than I love him with all my heart.

No one can tell you what to do. You two are together for a reason. But you can only pull so much before you realize you've pulled enough and nothing has moved towards your direction or the rope completely snaps at you. Don't get to that point where you lose everything, your patience, heart and trust in people.

 

If I could have what I really wanted. I'd want my husband to go live in an institition which it pains me to say it, is really where he needs to be right now.

And I would want to be alone. Probably, permanently. I'm at the point where I want to be left alone and have some peace for a while.

Protect yourself if he shows any danger. Do not hesitate to run or call the police. You do not get your emotions in a way if there are any obvious danger, verbally or physically.

 

Healing will take time...if you keep feeling the way you are, and if you can pull away early, the faster you'll heal. Please stay strong

[Botched]

I agree with sidehop. That says it all. Read that a few times.