Ex's picture on facebook

[HereIGoAgain]

I posted a thread about this earlier this week but deleted it as it wasn't what I wanted to say.

 

In a moment of weakness (or madness) I looked at the ex gf's facebook public profile and there was a picture where there hadn't been one before and she had been on it for a year. I know I should not have looked but the picture wasn't what I expected. I expected either to see nothing or see a picture with her new bf or see a picture looking fabulous. It was none of these. She did look different but not better where she looked drunk and was holding a large glass of wine. It was a shock to see the picture as it reminded me of the bad old days of our relationship where we drank too much.

 

My sister said that she could have put the picture up for me to see that she was doing fine without me. However, given the glazed expression I'd say she was only happy because of the drink.

 

It hasn't set me back in my healing but hasn't moved me forward either. It's just got me puzzled as to why anyone would put a picture like that up showing themselves not at their best. I'm trying my best to get thinner (work off the years of excess) and plan to have a make over in the new year so I can look my best. Would have thought she would have done the same.

[thebunny21]

The first thing my ex-boyfriend did when we broke up was run off to PA to an all girls college, put of pictures of him drinking and drunk. I knew he was hurting and he only did it cuz we had broken up (so I can go out with another man). So, it's all about perspectives to things. She could be happy without you, but she could be drinking more.

 

But, what it comes down to is, your not her savior anymore. You're her ex. You have to let her learn on her own. If you still have any mutual friends, let them know your concerned, maybe they can handle it on their end.

[HereIGoAgain]

Thanks for that bunny, what you put has really hit home.

 

My ex has always been a big drinker where the first time we ever went out she got so drunk I had to escort her home which was well out of my way.

 

I did feel like I could have been "her saviour" in getting her to drink less. The irony being, she encouraged me to drink but I don't blame her for this, I'm a grown man and I had the choice of not drinking. So I became a big drinker too which nearly cost me my life this year shortly after splitting up.

 

She'll be okay and I accept the drinking but I do worry she'll end up in real trouble one day. But sometimes I think she encourages it which is puzzling why anyone would want to bring bad things upon themselves or let others take advantage when one is in a drunken state.

[julioiglesia]

out of sight, out of mind.

 

or

 

don't explain, there is nothing to gain.

 

 

both of these two famous sayings holds true.

Accept that you were dethroned and you aren't the authority when it comes to your ex.

Now all the burden is off of your shoulders, so you should feel at ease since you are free to move without the constant shoulderache.

She has drinking problem so what? That is her issue and not yours. and trying to be the hero or saving grace is just a step back because that is not your role anymore.

 

I recommend you to erase her off of your life. whether you like it or not she already have moved on (meaning in a cold way, she erased you long time ago for her own sake and for her own selfish reasons)

 

grieving is one thing but it is different from infatuation with something that will never flower.

[hockeyboy]

no matter what kind of picture she puts up, it's going to make you wonder "why...."

 

so going forward, don't look again.

[thebunny21]

Yes, and I completely understand the drinking factor in relationships because my ex and I drank A LOT and it's because niether of us were happy. and that's never good in a relationship.

 

She will be ok. Who broke off the relationship? If it was you, she's upset, but she'll get over it. It takes time and once she finds someone else, she'll get better.

[HereIGoAgain]

Thanks for the replies.

 

julio: I accept that she has moved on and probably did it quite quickly. This wasn't her first relationship whereas it is my first relationship. We were together just over 4 years. For her it will be easier to move on as she has done it before and knows what she needs to do in order to move on and forget about me. And I think she has done this well.

 

hockeyboy: won't look again as who knows what I will see next time. The funny thing is that she is a teacher where I wouldn't be too happy to see "miss" in this state, particularly if I was a parent of a child she taught.

 

thebunny21: Who broke it off is another issue. She initiated the breakup by saying that she thought our time was over and needed space to think. This then turned into an ultimatum to get things sorted regarding engagement. The really issue I've come to understand is that our relationship wasn't progressing and hadn't been for at least year. Part of this was my fault and I regret this, part was her's and I'm not taking that into account (she is on a pedestal but I am whittling it down day by day).

 

In the end it was me that said it was over where I do feel this was what she wanted. We were talking on the phone and she wanted to know what progress I had made but I said we couldn't just get engaged without having a place to live first. This was something we both hadn't committed to. To me putting the money into an expensive engagement ring and spiriting her away (she wanted this) before we had somewhere to live was wrong. The money could be better spent on a house and furniture.

 

I accept my part in the demise of the relationship but I'm really messed up at the minute moving on from it.

[thebunny21]

Ahhh... I think you did the right thing. I think both of you will be ok in the end, because life moves on and people will be coming in and out of it all the time. i don't know how old you are, but I think you'll be ok and you realized that she's not the one for you and you don't want to marry her. Because she sounds high maintence. I used to be with my ex--- but I was very very unhappy. You don't realize the type of person you really are or can be when you find someone that makes you genuinely happy I did, and I'm really different. I rarely drink, I don't rely on labels to make me who I am, and I'm not pressuring for an engagment ring, cuz I can wait to be with him

[brian123]

This is just another hurdle you have to clear in the healing process. In all honesty, it probably wasn't directed at you at all.

 

You are out of this person's life. Keep them out of yours.

[HereIGoAgain]

That's interesting thebunny because I think that perhaps we were unhappy because we weren't right for each other. We were total opposites where she is a party girl and I'm a bit of a geek. I didn't drink before I met her and started for the wrong reasons, to keep up with her. That was incredibly stupid where I accept that over the 4 years I became a jerk in a way. I didn't take care of myself and that's why I suffered a serious illness recently. Many people have said how I changed over the four years where when we got together I had a good reputation and physically fit. Now, I am fat. The drinking has stopped for me, mainly because I'm on medication but I won't start again after what has happened to me. I regret it all very much.

 

You're not the only one to say she was high maintenance as my family have said that as well as she didn't treat me right. But when you're in a relationship, you're blind to all of the bad I guess.

 

I hope to be okay but at the moment it seems that I'll never get any better. I'm nearly 40 and this was my first relationship where we met in our mid thirties. She has a very strong personality and I don't where I got sucked up into the relationship as she pursued me aggressively. Yes, it did feel good to have someone I didn't think would go for me chase me. My sister says it was too easy and has said she expected it to end badly but didn't want to interfere.

 

However, I was not ready for a relationship and not for one with a person like her. I'd been happily single up until that point and it did not bother me that I hadn't been in a relationship at all. There had been girls and women that I liked but never progressed them further. Didn't have a dream girl or thought about getting into a relationship ever. Then she came out of nowhere, you could say that you find love when you're not looking. However, this was a relationship of her making and eventually, her breaking. That has left me devastated.

 

One of the last things she said to me was that 'I never changed for her' which was wrong, I did change. One thing was the drinking and there were others. That's the problem now as I find I lost my original identity and having difficulty getting it back because of what has happened to me over the course of the relationship.

 

I feel at the moment that I'll never be able to love again and not sure if I ever loved her. She'll move on to someone else, perhaps she already has. I'm not doing so well where I feel I'll never get over this. Perhaps that is for the best as I feel I have little to offer anyone in a relationship.

 

Anyway, I'm going off topic. Thanks for the replies.

[thebunny21]

HereIgoagain- I think your a very strong person and time heals all wounds. You will meet someone better and I understand your situation. I'm 21- and my last boyfriend and I were dating for 3 years, and sounds just as unhealty as yours was... It'll be ok. I'm rooting for you!

[HereIGoAgain]

Thanks for the support thebunny. My sister says the same thing that I will come through this and I will be stronger for it. Whether I meet someone else is a different matter, where at the moment I feel that it would be a good idea not to get into a relationship again. I was happily single before I met the ex and hope to get back to that state one day.

 

One thing that does worry me is what is on her FB page? Does it mention me? Does it mention what she is up to? I think she will have removed all references to me long ago but it does worry me if my colleagues see anything that I wouldn't like. Some of my colleagues are on Fb but haven't said anything to me about her or our split. I guess I'd like to know out of curiosity and look where that got the cat! Also, for the purposes of damage limitation should something unpleasant come out. I don't think there is anything but you never know how she has taken the breakup. I think she has taken it a lot better than me and there's nothing to worry about the FB page but it is in the back of my mind.

[franfran]

One thing that does worry me is what is on her FB page? Does it mention me? Does it mention what she is up to? I think she will have removed all references to me long ago but it does worry me if my colleagues see anything that I wouldn't like. Some of my colleagues are on Fb but haven't said anything to me about her or our split. I guess I'd like to know out of curiosity and look where that got the cat! Also, for the purposes of damage limitation should something unpleasant come out. I don't think there is anything but you never know how she has taken the breakup. I think she has taken it a lot better than me and there's nothing to worry about the FB page but it is in the back of my mind.

 

Hey hereigoagain.....This is a killer. I've circled myself around these questions almost constantly for 2 months. I'd love to know how my ex is taking the breakup and how he feels about it, and I'd love to find all that out through fb... such an easy way. But the more I look and pine around for the answers, the more I drive myself crazy. Especially the pictures, oh the pictures. The pictures of him wearing the sweaters I bought him, drinking our favorite beers out with our mutual friends. That pretty smile on his face. Drives me crazy.

 

Safe to say they have taken it better than us. But we just have to let that go. If they want to live their lives without us and post pictures of it on facebook then * * * * ing let them. I think you are a very strong person....use some of your strength to take a break from facebook itself. It's an evil, evil place.

[HereIGoAgain]

Hiya franfran.

 

I agree with what you have put. I only looked because I'm missing the ex and wondered what she is doing. Probably because it's Christmas and I think back to last year when we were preparing for our first proper Christmas together.

 

I'm not registered with any social networking site so I cannot see what her page says. And, what I posted demonstrated a little paranioa on my side, not attractive at all. Difficult to say that they take it any easier than us, it has to be difficult for both people in a relationship. All of the dreams, expectations, plans, etc. come to an end. I find it difficult to believe, even in the most difficult of breakups, that both parties aren't devastated (unless they are sociopaths). They probably do think of us but not in the way we would like. We made an impact on their lives as much as they made on ours. Sometimes, it is how we deal with those memories where it is accepting them for what they are, just memories, and moving on. They deal with it as best they can, putting on a brave face if need be, and get on with their lives. We should do the same.

 

My ex has changed where I'm not sure that the picture was of her now, she looked so different. My sister thought that it was either a picture from a few years ago or she had photoshopped it. But it wasn't what I expected as I have built her up to look fabulous now. The picture was far from that and brought back some unpleasant memories.

 

I'm fairly certain that she wouldn't be looking at my page. if I had one, as when all is said and done, our relationship is over. That's okay, sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. I'm struggling at the minute to let go as I don't want to. I don't want to forget her as she was my first girlfriend and I miss her. Was she the one? I don't think so, neither was I the one for her. One day I'll stop thinking and talking about this and move on, and accept things for what they were, are and will be.