Seeing Girl...She Wants to Take it Slow.....

[Mstamos]

Hello all-

 

Well, I have recently began seeing a girl about a week and a half ago. We met on a social networking/dating site. We went out 3 times and have spoke on the phone/through texts daily. Last year around this time she was engaged to be married and her fiance cheated on her. (this is after they had already booked a place, she bought a dress etc.)

 

So we have definitley established that we like eachother, but she commented a couple of times that she wanted to take things slow. Now, I think I am being paranoid/obsessive compulsive in my mind, but I can't help being afraid that this might mean she isn't interested in me. I know some people say that when a girl says she wants to "take things slow: it's a nice way of saying "not interested". I really like her though.

 

We were supposed to go out last night but she asked if it was OK if we didn't go out and if instead I would want to come over Sat. to her place to watch a movie.

 

Last night I had said something in passing about "further on down the line" and then explained that "only if she'd like there to be a further on down the line with me" She answered "I would like there to be a down the line for us, but like I said, things need to go very very slow emotionally. I've been through alot."

 

So what do you guys think? Am I just worrying too much? Should I just take her at her word that she really just want to take it slow probably because of what happened and does she sound like she is into me? Like I said it just concerned me that we COULD have seen eachother last night but she asked if it was OK to skip it. But then again, if she didn't like me she probably wouldn't hav emade plans for me to come over her house Sat right?

 

Thanks

[jennamajig]

She would not have invited you over if she wasn't interested. I can completely relate to wanting to take things slow.

 

Think about it: while time has passed, she still had to go through the hurt of getting out of a very, very serious relationship. That carries scars. She may be worried about getting hurt again, which is natural. She wants to take the time to get to know you before jumping into commitment. Also natural.

 

I can relate to her. I got out of a serious relationship and am approaching the dating world again. I would love to meet Mr. Right, but know if I find someone I really like, I would want to take slow as well to be fair to both of us. The canceled date might not mean too much; perhaps she was tired. Midweek dates are hard sometimes when you work.

 

Good luck with your date on Saturday. After that, you will probably have a better idea of her interest.

[Mutley]

What is the definition of "taking it slow" though?

 

I hear that bandied about...so I'm curious.

[karvala]

I don't think there's any secret agenda here. She's been hurt, she's wary of guys and relationships, and so she wants to go slowly and makes things as relaxed as possible at first. This is entirely reasonable, and she's been up front about it, so just take it at face value. I don't think it's code for "not interested", it simply means she can't allow herself to become emotionally attached at this point, but that may change further down the line, and she wants to keep seeing you to give that an opportunity. I realise it's frustrating for you that she doesn't already have strong feelings towards you reflected by enthusiam to see you, but that's a product of her recent past, and nothing about you can change that. Be relaxed, fun and gentle with her, and slowly she will come out of her shell.

[drewciouS281]

This all depends on how patient you feel like being. If you really like the girl, then take it slow for her. Make her feel comfortable and the sooner you do that the sooner she will open up fully.

[Mstamos]

Thanks for the responses so far guys. I just want her to know that I really like her and am looking to maybe one day be serious with her without scaring her off ya know? I feel like I need to think things through first before I say things. She had one guy she was seeing last spring (this is after the whole fiance cheating fiasco) looking at rings and wanting to propose to her after 3 weeks. I guess that probably scared her too LOL

[jennamajig]

What is the definition of "taking it slow" though?

 

I hear that bandied about...so I'm curious.

 

Taking it slow for me just meaning talking the time to talk, get to know each other. I'm old fashioned so I don't even really kiss a guy until the 2nd or 3rd date, which in today's standards I suppose is slow. Also, no jumping into bed with each other and sometimes this even means spending the night to cuddle.

 

For me, sleeping over (and I just mean sleeping, no sex) is something I offer when I am to start a committed relationship. If it's right, sex would come naturally. I realize, though, this could just make me a prude, but it's "slow" for me.

[brian123]

Have you guys kissed/cuddled yet?

 

If you like this girl, i would recommend taking it slow and doing as she says. Currently, I have been seeing this girl who has been acting pretty much the same way. This girl also told me she was cheated on in the past.

 

Just be fun, and show her what a great guy you are, and in time I am thinking she will be fine.

 

Be prepared for many ups/downs.

 

Have you guys used the term "dating" or are you guys just hanging out. For what it's worth, my cousin just marred a girl he met on the internet. This girl is pretty conservative. I was surprised to find out she made sure that they were just friends at the start before even dating.

[Mstamos]

Have you guys kissed/cuddled yet?

 

If you like this girl, i would recommend taking it slow and doing as she says. Currently, I have been seeing this girl who has been acting pretty much the same way. This girl also told me she was cheated on in the past.

 

Just be fun, and show her what a great guy you are, and in time I am thinking she will be fine.

 

Yes. We kissed on the second date. I was saying good bye to her (walked her back to the car) and gave her a peck on the cheek and then she was like "Kiss me" LOL so we had a REAL kiss then...We haven't cuddled, but we haven't had the opportunity. Every date has been a "destination date"...After our 3rd date this past Sat. she told me she would "Like to lay in bed with me and watch a movie."

 

I am feeling pretty dumb now cause from everything I typed it seems like she does like me LOL...I guess I was just a little thrown off that she asked if it was OK to not go out last night. BUT she has been feeling a little under the weather and had 2 stressful days of work. I know that she just stayed in last night and didn't go out anywhere because we talked.

 

No I think it's clear we are "dating" (not exclusively but she did ask if I was seeing anyone else and I said that I can't date more than once person at once which she seemed happy to hear) She told me she wants to find a long term relationship and knows what she wants in a guy. She isn't looking for just "hanging out with a bunch of guys" or "hooking up for sex"

 

Good luck with your situation Brian!

[brian123]

Hey man, you are doing fine. I doubt the girl I am kind of seeing would want ANY guy to lay in bed with her within the 1st 6 months of dating. She is religious, but that is kind of refreshing in this day and age. Heck, it took hanging out with this girl to even call what we did a "date" last week.

 

You are doing fine man. Just take it one day at a time. She obviously likes you, so just keep doing what you are doing and let nature run it's course. Id just say to let her keep making the 1st moves physically and such like it seems you have (ie the 1st kiss, cuddling, laying bed etc...)

 

You are doing fine.

[Dating Coach]

Last night I had said something in passing about "further on down the line" and then explained that "only if she'd like there to be a further on down the line with me" She answered "I would like there to be a down the line for us, but like I said, things need to go very very slow emotionally. I've been through alot."

 

Slow emotionally does not mean slow physically.

 

You have two options.

 

1) Tell her that you completely understand her needs and that she isn't ready for a relationship, so you are going to move on because continuing on like this isn't fair to you. If down that road she decides that she is ready for more, THEN you may go out with her IF you are available. Part on good terms with understanding.

 

2) Continue what you have got with her but progress this "pseudo-relationship" physically. If she is not ready to get involved emotionally, okay... go slow emotionally. Limit hanging out, limit calling yourselves a couple, limit phone conversations, etc. BUT do things physically. Kiss her, have sex, etc. Why? a) Maybe she wants to. b) I am sure doing these things appeals you c) most imporantly you should not be filling her needs without getting something in return. Otherwise you are probably being used.

 

I will probably get heat for offering Option 2 along with Option 1, but it is completely unfair for the TS to continue playing surrogate boyfriend like this. He doesn't know if he will get a relationship out of this or even she is interested in him. For all he knows she is just using him for attention to feel better. The is no way to know for sure because her actions are what hold the key to the truth and her actions right now involve her putting a stop to anything progressing. This could mean she is using him, or it could mean that she really does need time. There is no way to know which until her actions back it up.

 

So, he has those two options. Move on for now or continue offering her this attention but only not for free. She would have to reciprocate in some way to make things even. NOT if she doesn't want to, so don't go there. That's not what I am saying. For if she rejects any physical development then refer to Option 1. Respectfully part ways until the time comes to where something changes.

 

Continuing on like this is NOT an option.

[bostonbruins24]

I don't think the girl in this situation will be able to differentiate the physical from the emotional and will not want to kiss,have sex etc.It is only early in the relationship though so I think the OP should give it more time but he shouldn't wait too long.

[servedcold]

OK, for a week and a half you are way too emotionally invested in a future with this woman given that you just met. Try to forego any relationship talk whatsoever, especially on your end at this point. Just date her and have fun. Avoid heavy topics, and especially avoid asking her if she sees any future with you. Don't sell yourself so cheap. There is no way to know in such a short time whether she is worth your efforts. Don't make yourself so available to her, don't call her daily. This is not gamesmanship, but common sense with someone you really don't know.

 

Above all, HAVE A GOOD TIME, and don't dwell on whether there is any long term future. Don't even think this way until you have several dates under your belt with her (several meaning several more than 3).

 

Don't talk about sex AT ALL. Sounds like you have already gotten a good start and she has invited you over. Just let things unfold without killing the mood with words (unless they are purely seductive words).

 

Moreover, women on dating sites can be notoriously flaky. If she is of even average attractiveness in her pictures online, there are likely 30-50 emails from men in her inbox every day. When meeting a woman from online, you have to assume she is talking to and dating others. Be prepared for this.

 

Never ever let a woman know you are easy to get and that they totally have you... because you shouldn't be so easy to get. Same goes for women in the beginnings of infatuation.

[karvala]

He's been dating her just a week and a half, she's asked to go slowly after being hurt badly in a previous relationship, and so your answer is for him to pressure her into have sex with him. I think you need another change of username.

[GettingBetter]

I'm in a very, very similar situation, only our relationship has progressed a little further than yours currently. Things have worked out fine with us, however.

 

There are a couple of things I can advise.

 

First, you have to figure out whether you really like the girl. If you really do, if you're not just looking to score (and this would be the wrong girl for that, as slow as she wants to take things, and as hurt as she already is), then you will have to be patient. Don't rush her.

 

Second, communication is key. There is simply too much going on in her mind for you to possibly figure it out on your own. Communicating well will help you, and it will help her. It will build trust and a mutual understanding between the two of you. I cannot emphasize enough how important I feel this is.

 

Anyways, that's just my two cents, since your situation sounds very similar to my own. I wish I would have had someone to help me through my own situation, but thankfully things have worked out fine so far.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

 

EDIT: After seeing DatingCoach's advice, which I often agree with and always make a point to read, I will have to disagree about moving things along physically, unabated. Maybe that's what she wants (I highly doubt that, though), but you really can't tell. Just be honest with her and communicate well. I suspect she will want to take things slower all-the-way around.

[Dating Coach]

He's been dating her just a week and a half, she's asked to go slowly after being hurt badly in a previous relationship, and so your answer is for him to pressure her into have sex with him. I think you need another change of username.

 

No, you misunderstand me. Where did I say anything about pressuring her into sex? I said do not slow down the physical. That doesn't mean push forward before she is ready for it.

 

She herself said she didn't want to go too fast emotionally, but she said nothing about physically. We don't know where her boundaries are there, so she may want that kind of connection but just doesn't want to be pressured into a serious relationship.

If she doesn't want physical connections she will tell him but he should explore it, otherwise she may assume he is growing too emotionally connected because he isn't getting anything out of the "relationship" yet is still choosing to stick around. That could tell her that he is too emotionally invested already and that's not what she wants.