Should I dump her after this trick during sex?

[lady00]

I wouldn't care if she lied to me about other issues because no other issue is as serious as doing something deceitful to trap a guy into having children.

 

I'd rather she cheat on me by sleeping with someone else than try to trap me into having a kid. This way if she had a kid by another man it would not be my problem.

 

So the solution is simple. No sex. That's already easy for me anyway.

 

You missed my point entirely. But, I don't want to derail this thread, so nevermind.

[lady00]

No don't do the friends thing with her. I had a friend who broke up with someone, then she got him to come over for dinner as 'just friends', he had too much to drink and they ended up in bed. She picked a day to invite him when she knew he was ovulating, gave him the 'how about one more for old times sake', they had sex, and he had child support payments nine months later. She was very cold blooded in the planning of it, and someone who is willing to totally disregard someone else's wishes on an issue as big as whether to have children is totally selfish and can't be trusted.

 

I agree with this...being "friends" is not a good idea in this situation.

[LOLephant]

Before dumping her, I would confront her about breaking your trust.

 

Tell her that you disclosed your feelings on the issue and when she pulled that stunt she lost your trust and it will take some time for her to regain that trust so that you can be intimate with her again. If she can handle this, I think it's worth trying to salvage the relationship. She will respect you more for handling it this way and standing up for yourself.

 

Is she on birth control...as far as you know?

[cyberdog]

I already broke up with her at lunch today. But I tend to agree with the others, no contact and no remaining friends. Normally I can do the remaining friends but some levels of deceit don't warrant that even if they are sorry after.

 

Anyway I just had lunch with her and we talked. She said she was sorry and that she never did that until last night, and she only stopped birth control several days ago. She said over the past couple weeks she really wanted to have a child, but didn't tell me because she know my stance and thought I would leave here. Well, what she did certainly didn't make anything better. Then I told her that we were on different pages in our lives and that since she wanted a child so badly she should be with someone else on the same page and we basically broke up. No arguing or anything. Huh I figured it would have been a heated argument but it went quite smoothly.

[lady00]

I already broke up with her at lunch today. But I tend to agree with the others, no contact and no remaining friends. Normally I can do the remaining friends but some levels of deceit don't warrant that even if they are sorry after.

 

I agree...I am friends with some exes, but that is because they didn't lie or mistreat me and they are genuinely good people.

[Lady Bird]

Hi there, have you considered talking to her about this?? obviously she really wants children and with YOU or she is going through a rough time....... gilrs don't just bite holes into condoms............

 

my bet is on "she is going through a rough time", but here's my questions to you, do you love her, and what are your feelings towards her????? It almost sounds as if, you are dating but having "casual" sex........

 

If your relationship lasted this long, and she's acting all weird all of a suden, I truly believe that this is not ordinary, you really should sit down and talk about this, not fight, really talk about this, and after talking, and you feel that you no longer see yourself in a relationship with her, you have to let her go, so that she can be with somebody who wants the same as she does in a relationship....

[cyberdog]

my bet is on "she is going through a rough time", but here's my questions to you, do you love her, and what are your feelings towards her????? It almost sounds as if, you are dating but having "casual" sex........

 

I'm not quite sure I get where you are coming from. Just because we are dating the sex is 'casual'? What would it take for it to be 'non-casual'? We dated for a while before being sexually intimate with one another and then didn't go all the way way for a little longer. Just because I don't want children I'd hardly consider it casual sex. People date for many years having children.

 

Yes I love her but what she did was in my opinion enough to warrant breaking up. I'd consider it about as bad or maybe equally or more than cheating. Should I stay with her anyway? She may well not try it again but at the same time knowing my position on the issue she may try.

[girl68]

The fact that she so deliberately disrespected your wishes is more than enough to dump her for.

 

First you're not trying to have children, not biologically nor adopting and she's purposely trying to knock herself up?

 

She reminds me of those 12 year old girls who poke holes in condoms becasue they want babies so bad. Did you see how I just compared your gf to a 12 year old girl?

[annalisa84]

Your SO obviously wants to have children. And with you. She wants a child who has her smile and your eyes. She probably wasn't adopted and this is her dream. This is what most women dream about. It doesn't matter what she used to say. Now she obviously wants children of her own, otherwise she wouldn't be so desperate to bite a condom. If you love her, you understand and stop considering only your needs and dreams. If you're just not ready for children, it's another story.. Before breaking up, listen to her.

[Ranch]

I would definetly would consider a visectamy. Because, wasting a year of love, hurts more than a minor treatment. Talk to her, adopt a child, and if you can, get the visectomy.

[annalisa84]

Sorry, didn't read all the post before posting. You already dumped her. Wow.

[lady00]

There is just no excuse for certain types of behavior. This is one of them. You did the right thing by ending things.

 

This isn't so much about the child issue as it is about her lying to you and deceiving you. If she wanted to have biological children with you, the right thing for her to do would be to first talk it through with you and if you could not agree, to break things off. It does not matter what she wanted. It is the way she went about it that is scary.

[abitbroken]

Be careful about getting a vasectomy prematurely. Don't get one "just because of her". You may feel you don't want to have any kids naturally, but maybe you will feel differently someday. If you are willing to raise children in your life in the future and aren't the type of person who doesn't want any children at all...I would hold off. It is an expensive thing to do just for a gal you dated a year and maybe are not sure she is the one or sure she is someone you can make mutual decisions about anyways.

 

Okay, first of all - I am not excusing her behavior but you were being awfully absolute. When a woman is told that, she interprets it that you just don't ever want kids with HER. She doesn't think "oh, what a great guy. There are so many orphans in the world..."

 

In the future, a better way to say it might be to say "When I have kids someday, I really would like to adopt. There are just so many orphans in the world. I have always felt that it was important". And no need to clarify the biological thing. You may meet a woman who is likeminded as you.

 

Also, what I am saying is absolute is that you say that you don't want bilogical children at all. Sometimes life throws curveballs into the mix - what if you got married (not necessarily to her but in general) and your wife got pregnant. Does that mean you would be mad about that?

 

I think that it was wrong of her to bite the condom. I have a feeling that she took your comment as meaning you didn't see a future to have babies with HER and maybe she was just upset/mad. She might have felt things crashing down on her. Anyway, I am really sorry that she did that but luckily you caught it. Personally, i would think it would be worse if she poked a pin in it and tricked you into using it. Biting with the teeth sounds like frustration because it would be so obvious the condom had been torn.

[AngryHeart]

Yeah, what she did was very wrong. A guy not wanting children ever would be a total deal-breaker for me, so I just wouldn't continue a serious relationship with him. I would not put holes in a condom and risk having a baby with somebody that didn't want one! That's bad for the man, the woman, and the child. The right thing was to break up with her.

[abitbroken]

Okay, i read more pages. That is good that you were able to break up amicably. She really should have been upfront that she wanted a baby. I don't understand it - I have encountered a few gals who just wanted to have a baby at all costs rather meeting someone, the relationship progressing to love and commitment and wanting a baby as a result or in that environment.

 

There are plenty of guys out there that want to have kids, but I have a feeling she may end up putting the cart before the horse.

[cyberdog]

I was in/out of 4 or 5 foster homes before I was adopted. One of the homes had an abusive foster mother and some just couldn't handle all the kids they had fosters so decided to transfer. When I left to be with my adopted parents I wished I could take my foster siblings with me as well. So it may seem I'm being inflexible or maybe even selfish or something but I made such a decision at a very early age to adopt if ever I were to have kids and such.

 

Now I don't make much money and I can't even afford a single child now. I would like time for my SO and I to enjoy each other before it even became a subject (maybe 4 or 5 years into a marriage/more committed relationship, give time to enjoy each other first) I know for some women maternal instinct may be great and they may well want a their own child, that is something I'll have to be more detailed about in any upcoming relationships.

 

Be careful about getting a vasectomy prematurely. Don't get one "just because of her". You may feel you don't want to have any kids naturally, but maybe you will feel differently someday. If you are willing to raise children in your life in the future and aren't the type of person who doesn't want any children at all...I would hold off. It is an expensive thing to do just for a gal you dated a year and maybe are not sure she is the one or sure she is someone you can make mutual decisions about anyways.

 

I've already decided if I do take this position to put some sperm in storage under the circumstance that I do change my mind in the future. I don't really think it's that expensive thought. ~1000$ one time, plus costs for storage. This is opposed to a sudden child, 18 years child support, working more hours (if I don't get a half decent raise once in a while)

 

Okay, i read more pages. That is good that you were able to break up amicably. She really should have been upfront that she wanted a baby. I don't understand it - I have encountered a few gals who just wanted to have a baby at all costs rather meeting someone, the relationship progressing to love and commitment and wanting a baby as a result or in that environment.

 

Okay, i read more pages. That is good that you were able to break up amicably. She really should have been upfront that she wanted a baby. I don't understand it - I have encountered a few gals who just wanted to have a baby at all costs rather meeting someone, the relationship progressing to love and commitment and wanting a baby as a result or in that environment.

 

There are plenty of guys out there that want to have kids, but I have a feeling she may end up putting the cart before the horse.

 

Yes, I'm a bit confused over the breakup being so amicable. I'm not sure I understand what you mean a bout the cart and horse.

[singlemom07]

Well, obviously you both have very different views on children. Apparently, she doesn't respect yours. You should seriously consider if you want to be with someone who would try to trick you into having children with them. Also think of how much you love her. Maybe sit her down and explain how you feel and if that doesn't work, you have a decision to make. Wish you all the best!

[cyberdog]

I'm going to try to forget about it for the night and hopefully get some sleep. She wants to talk tomorrow about things. Like some others said, the breakup isn't over children or anything like that, at least not directly directly. It's mainly over what she did, even though she may have done such for those reasons.

 

I don't know how things will go tomorrow though. Normally this time of night we'd be watching t.v. together or talking of the phone or something.

 

There's really two choices. Stay broken up or get back together.

 

If we stay broken up then a nearly 1 year relationship is over. No more talking, or dining together or going to the movies or the park, etc.

 

But if we get back together there are several issues that have to be resolved. There is the issue of children. And foremost there is a possible trust issue. Any time physical intimacy starts to occur I'm going to have my suspicions. Presently I can't even imagine sleeping with her again, mainly over the trust issue. So if we do decide to get back together and work it out then there is a lot of working out in this situation.

 

Anyway I've got to try to get some sleep. Thanks for all the comments and advice so far.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

there's an old expression: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

 

you've been forewarned that she is capable of doing something that would alter the whole course of your life and cost you upwards of $200K over a lifetime, and yoke you to her whether you want it or not because you share a child together (a child you don't want).

 

be very careful about going back for round 2 with her, as you've been forewarned what she is capable of.

 

So what if you've invested a year in her. Another old expression: don't throw good money after bad. If she's not the one for you, she's not the one for you, and it makes no sense to stay with her just because you've been with her a year. You may spend a few months alone to meet someone new, but then you're fine.

[ay0_x]

That's really psychopathic. Adoption is a GREAT thing and kudos to you for choosing not to have kids biologically (I'm a big fan of adoption), and she's a freaking psychopath.

 

EDIT: It's hard to let go of a one year relationship, and I know it's easy to let yourself mourn one, but you've got to shake it off! She broke your trust! What if she had gotten pregnant? That would have ruined your life and quite possibly hers.

[lady00]

To be honest, I am surprised you are even considering getting back together with this woman.

[cyberdog]

Weighing the pros/cons I'm not going to get back. I'm just a little out of it right now mind-wise I haven't slept much since. I've even beginning to dread talking to her again tomorrow. I may cancel or if not just tell her and stop talking after that. If she really is sorry hopefully she won't do some other guy the same way.

[Cardinal]

Think about it this way.

 

You may be having trouble sleeping now, but that will soon pass.

 

On the bright side, I am not sure how you could ever feel comfortable sleeping next to her again.

 

Correct decision. Sleep well.

[lady00]

Weighing the pros/cons I'm not going to get back. I'm just a little out of it right now mind-wise I haven't slept much since. I've even beginning to dread talking to her again tomorrow. I may cancel or if not just tell her and stop talking after that. If she really is sorry hopefully she won't do some other guy the same way.

 

Phew! You had me worried for a sec there.

 

If it were me and I know this sounds mean, I'd just blow off the meeting and send a message to the effect that you don't see the point in discussing it further. I say this because she'll just try to convince you to work things out and I'm not saying you'll give in, but there is just no point in discussing it any further, you know? You've already broken up with her face to face, which I think was the right thing to do. No need to drag it out.

[alco nihil]

guess she really loves you if want babies with you..

sure you should dump her, cause u dont love her too much