Should I dump her after this trick during sex?

[cyberdog]

My girlfriend did something I consider to be terrible last night. I have made clear to her that I don't want children biologically and that in the future I would adopt instead. Last night while things were getting heated up when she went to put on the condom I caught her biting it. I snatched it away and sure enough it was bitten though a little. We had a fight and she left.

 

I am very very seriously thinking about ditching her over this, but we have been dating for a while (almost 1 year). Maybe I should also consider a vasectomy. Any advice is welcome. Thanks.

[waveseer]

You could stop having sex with her, problem solved.

[midnightrambler]

You could stop having sex with her, problem solved.

 

i agree with this solution

[unabashed]

This is a serious problem, if you plan to try to remain with her. If she is set on biological children, as many people are, then maybe it's time to part ways. In any case, I think you need to be on the same page about what you both want before the relationship goes any further. I think her behavior was bizarre. If she is this angry and resentful now about this issue, it will only get worse unless there is a way to work on this together.

[Gray Fox]

I think it's an insult to say you don't want to have biological kids with her especially when you're having sex with her. I agree with the above posters.

[amtjrtcet]

My girlfriend did something I consider to be terrible last night. I have made clear to her that I don't want children biologically and that in the future I would adopt instead. Last night while things were getting heated up when she went to put on the condom I caught her biting it. I snatched it away and sure enough it was bitten though a little. We had a fight and she left.

 

I am very very seriously thinking about ditching her over this, but we have been dating for a while (almost 1 year). Maybe I should also consider a vasectomy. Any advice is welcome. Thanks.

 

OMG! I can't believe she did that! That's absolutely nuts. She's nuts. Why on earth???..............ditch her.

[IMAbadman]

I tell you what... that's just dishonest and I would have serious trust issues with her if that's how her selfish [edit] operated. I mean if she's willing to do that, bite a hole through a rubber, then what else is next. She is obviously only thinking about what she wants, period. You are left in her wake of "it's all about me"; paying child support, unhappy, her demands/demanding, and her pissing & moaning.

 

Sorry bud, I'd say toss her to the curb. This isn't like she took the last beer from the fridge... what she is pulling is a truly life altering decision (baby) and is not to be taken lightly or made unprepared.

 

Again, obviously her only thoughts are of what she wants and when she wants it.

[Loki71]

You don't want kids I got news for you even a vasectomy is not 100%. You clearly both want differnet things maybe it's time to find someone that wants the same as you.

[alli]

That would really anger me if I were you. It's a very deceitful way of trying to get what she wants when you made it clear that you do not want children.

 

I find it strange that she would do this instead of talking to you about what she wants. Has she ever told you she wanted children? Why is it that you prefer to adopt instead of having your own? These are things you need to talk to each other about. I think you should do that before making any major decisions.

 

In relationships, the decision of whether or not to have children is a dealbreaker. If one person wants them & the other doesn't, there is no compromise. You have them or you don't. Obviously she wants them & you don't, and if you both feel strongly on this subject there's no getting around it.

 

In the future (if it happens) handle the condoms yourself. You buy, you store, you put it on. No worries.

[Supa_gurl]

I did a similar thing to my husband in the beginning of our marriage. I used a needle to poke holes... Didn't work, but I thought it was worth a try. I am ashamed I attempted something so underhanded. As for your GF, you are obviously not on the same page. Unless you two can come to an agreement, it is time for you to move on.

[ghost69]

i'd get rid of that girl if i was you. immediately.

[livinginsbi]

Wow, what a terrible thing to do... you two need to talk about this one, away from the bedroom.

 

If you truly don't want children biologically, you should get a vasectomy... no they are not 100%, but as long as you get your post vas count done... it's as close as it gets. I don't know the particulars, but you could bank some sperm for later, if you change your mind.

 

With this girl, it's a trust issue... it she'll go that far, IDK, I'd be worried about other stuff as well.

[25thfloor]

wow. i wouldn't even be able to touch on the issue of children because i would be so upset at the underhanded dishonesty. i would never speak to her again...i would assume everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. man, that is beyond creepy. she's setting you up for a life of misery. When i say no, i mean no...and i would be so mad if i had to pay for a child that i did not want.

[cyberdog]

I find it strange that she would do this instead of talking to you about what she wants. Has she ever told you she wanted children? Why is it that you prefer to adopt instead of having your own? These are things you need to talk to each other about. I think you should do that before making any major decisions.

 

I actually thought that we were on the same. We talked about things like this before we even became sexually involved. I told her my stance and she didn't say anything against it or that she wanted children.

 

I was raised as an adopted child but at about 10, so was in the system for a while. I feel very strongly about adopting for this reason. There are plenty of children in need of a good home, and instead of me having a biological child adopting would give a truly needy child a home instead of a life in and out of the system so to speak. Not to mention most people only adopt younger children making it even harder on the older children. It's not fair for them but life's not fair.

 

In the future (if it happens) handle the condoms yourself. You buy, you store, you put it on. No worries.

 

From now on I will definitely be the one handling the condoms.

 

You don't want kids I got news for you even a vasectomy is not 100%. You clearly both want differnet things maybe it's time to find someone that wants the same as you.

 

I know that. I still believe in safe sex, meaning 'always' wearing a condom. But that + condom would make it much closer than just a condom and especially a bitten condom.

[odile]

I think it's an insult to say you don't want to have biological kids with her especially when you're having sex with her. I agree with the above posters.

 

I disagree with Gray Fox. It is perfectly acceptable to want sex (or not), regardless of whether or not you want children.

This is one of the many reasons that condoms exist. (Which is not to say that condoms are foolproof, and if you want to have sex, and do not want kids, using multiple birth control methods simultaneously is recommended).

 

Gauging from the rest of the OP's statement, I would guess that his decision is based primarily on political/social reasons (that there are already many kids who need homes), but this is just a guess.

 

Whatever the reasoning, you and your gf are not seeing eye to eye on this, and for her to deliberately (if indeed it was deliberate?) try to undermine your wishes is really not okay. It sounds like she did this in front of you, so not sure how sneaky/creepy this was, but unless it was really accidental, it does sound a bit passive-aggressive.

 

Judgement of the gf aside,

 

One of the saddest things is a kid born to a parent that doesn't really want him/her, and if your gf got pregnant, then that is exactly what she'd have on her hands. So, not only is she disrespecting you, but she is failing to think about the future of this baby that she wants to make.

 

It sounds like the two of you really need to sit down and openly discuss each of your viewpoints. If you can see eye to eye, then great, but if neither of you budge, then no good can come of it, and each of you would be better off with a partner who is on the same page.

 

If you are certain about not wanting children, then maybe a vasectomy is not such a bad idea. It could potentially relieve you of having such arguments in future.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

amtjrtcet kind of summed it up. That's completely nuts.

 

Just in general I wish some people would realize that forcing someone into having a child isn't going to make anyone happy. If you don't want children and your spouse/gf/bf doesn't, then you need to evaluate things. I know the desire to have children can be really intense and maybe even fog the mind, but in the long run the child suffers!

All of that resentment.

 

Good luck

[cyberdog]

I'm sure, i caught her nibbling the tip as she was putting it on, already out of the package. She pretty much confessed during the argument after. At first she tried to deny it but then she was like 'So what if I did?' and even said she wasn't really on birth control.

[alli]

I actually thought that we were on the same. We talked about things like this before we even became sexually involved. I told her my stance and she didn't say anything against it or that she wanted children.

 

I was raised as an adopted child but at about 10, so was in the system for a while. I feel very strongly about adopting for this reason. There are plenty of children in need of a good home, and instead of me having a biological child adopting would give a truly needy child a home instead of a life in and out of the system so to speak. Not to mention most people only adopt younger children making it even harder on the older children. It's not fair for them but life's not fair.

 

Maybe she didn't tell you she really wanted her own children because she didn't want to disagree with you in the beginning. Some people are like that; they won't voice their opinions because they want to do everything they can to be on the same side as their SO. Or, maybe at the time she hadn't thought about it much & has since decided she really wanted kids, knowing that you don't. Either way she was wrong.

 

That is a very noble reason for wanting to adopt. Most people only do it when they have no other choice, ie can't have kids. However, you should also realize that most women who are capable of bearing children will probably not be satisfied not having their own. You will be hard-pressed to find a woman who wants exactly what you want. There is a possible compromise here, since you do want children in the future. Most people have more than one. What if you & your future spouse.. whoever that is.. have one child biologically & adopt another one or two? What do you think of that?

 

Again, I'd still be pissed at your girl if I were you, but keep in mind she was not trying to ruin your life, she was trying to make things the way she thought they would be best... one happy little family. Though it was a stupid way of doing it, she definitely wouldn't be the first to ever try it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Total and complete dumping offense. You can't be with someone you can't trust. She is forcing you to have a child, and you are staring down the barrel of 18 years of child support payments.

 

Never have sex with her again. there are all kinds of tricks if she wants to get pregnant. Pinpoint holes in the condoms, saving the condom and using the sperm later when you've left (sperm can live up to 72 hours).

 

You can't trust this person. I'd break up and never look back.

[Scorpion Fury]

That would be it for me. I would tell her never call me again. It's a wrap.

 

That is F-ING INSANE. And completely low of her to try to trap you with a child after you have made it abundantly clear you don't want any of your own. I'd dump her for two reasons. The crazy act itself, because it shows you what kind of person she is. And the fact that you don't see eye to eye on the children issue. It will be an issue between you two eventually, might as well let her go now.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I'm sure, i caught her nibbling the tip as she was putting it on, already out of the package. She pretty much confessed during the argument after. At first she tried to deny it but then she was like 'So what if I did?' and even said she wasn't really on birth control.

 

It just screams that she has absolutely NO respect for you! She is willing to sabotage you for her personal needs and wants. That cannot be a good sign.

 

 

[odile]

Hey Cyberdog, just read your followup post... want to add...

 

Whether or not you someday want to have kids (biological or adopted), you haven't said anything about being ready for that now, and this is as big an issue as any.

All the more reason that it's important to be on the same page and communicating w/the gf.

 

In either case, you'd be best to have a partner whom you trust, and with whom you think you could provide a good home and example for those kids. Just a thought.

[Scorpion Fury]

I'm sure, i caught her nibbling the tip as she was putting it on, already out of the package. She pretty much confessed during the argument after. At first she tried to deny it but then she was like 'So what if I did?' and even said she wasn't really on birth control.

 

oh, so she's been lying to you about that too? Even worse. Yup. It's a wrap.

[cyberdog]

Never have sex with her again. there are all kinds of tricks if she wants to get pregnant. Pinpoint holes in the condoms, saving the condom and using the sperm later when you've left (sperm can live up to 72 hours).

 

Ahh! I'm glad the last several times were at my place!!!

 

Most people have more than one. What if you & your future spouse.. whoever that is.. have one child biologically & adopt another one or two? What do you think of that?

 

Maybe. It is a compromise. That one biological child could very well be a child that needed a family that was caught up in the system instead. But maybe.

 

If you are certain about not wanting children, then maybe a vasectomy is not such a bad idea. It could potentially relieve you of having such arguments in future.

 

I've seriously though about this. Maybe along with banking some sperm in case a future relationship I decide to compromise with a future partner.

[lady00]

Wow, this one is easy: dump her. She sounds nuts. She has probably lied to you about other things too. Wouldn't be surprised. Yuck.