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I'm not shallow.


MyheartorHis

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I was talking to a friend today at the gym, and we just so happened to bring up relationships. He said that he only dates gorgeous girls, and he accepts he is shallow. I told him that he wasn't. I know I'm not shallow but I'll never date a guy who I don't think is attractive and he called me shallow, too.

 

My reasoning behind this is that no one in their right mind will date someone they aren't physically attracted to. When you first meet them, you might not find them attractive at all until you get to know them. I have dated guys that at first, I didn't think they were cute or handsome at all. But after getting to know them and spending time with them (as friends or just by circumstance I get to know them), their great personality shows through and I begin to think them attractive. So in order for me to date someone, I think there should always be physical attraction. If you aren't attracted to them, you won't want to pursue them to be in a relationship in the first place.

 

I have met gorgeous guys who turned into unattractive boys because of their personality. It's just a human behavior to date someone you think is attractive whether all your friends think he's cute or ugly- it doesn't matter!

 

So if that makes me shallow, so be it.

Does anyone else think that it's shallow? Or does anyone agree with me? I'm feeling kind of bitter to my friend for calling me shallow. He didn't even agree with my reasoning and said that we can't help it we are shallow.

](*,) I'm not shallow!!!!!

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To answer your question, no I don't think you're shallow at all. Anyone, male or female, who says that they don't care what their date looks like is lying, frankly. We all have our preferences in regards to appearances, and we're perfectly entitled to this.

 

However, not to nitpick but you're also contradicting yourself by saying that you wouldn't date someone you weren't (physically) attracted to, but then you say that there's been instances where you've become attracted to someone only after getting to know them, and not because of their looks.

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Its a matter of degree I think. Of course most people do not date other people that they are not physically attracted to on some level.

 

But the more demanding you become as to dating gorgeous people, the higher the probability that looks is your primary criterion. And this is where it starts to get shallow.

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But the more demanding you become as to dating gorgeous people, the higher the probability that looks is your primary criterion. And this is where it starts to get shallow.

 

Yes but, what makes a "gorgeous" person a gorgeous person? It's a subjective thing, and not something which you can pull out instruments over and measure.

 

My "gorgeous" is quite feasibly your "average". And visa-versa.

 

My point is, it boils down to a question of whether you are attracted to someone or not. It's either 'there' or it isn't.

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However, not to nitpick but you're also contradicting yourself by saying that you wouldn't date someone you weren't (physically) attracted to, but then you say that there's been instances where you've become attracted to someone only after getting to know them, and not because of their looks.

 

What I was saying what that after to getting to know them, they did come physically attractive to me. And the opposite as happened to me, too. I thought he was attractive, we even dated, and then I just didn't find him attractive anymore (it wasn't that he didn't have a good personality, it was more along the lines of changing my tastes, I guess).

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Yes but, what makes a "gorgeous" person a gorgeous person? It's a subjective thing, and not something which you can pull out instruments over and measure.

 

My "gorgeous" is quite feasibly your "average". And visa-versa.

 

My point is, it boils down to a question of whether you are attracted to someone or not. It's either 'there' or it isn't.

 

I agree. But it CAN change due to other things, though.

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Yes but, what makes a "gorgeous" person a gorgeous person? It's a subjective thing, and not something which you can pull out instruments over and measure.

 

My "gorgeous" is quite feasibly your "average". And visa-versa.

 

My point is, it boils down to a question of whether you are attracted to someone or not. It's either 'there' or it isn't.

 

The fact that what makes a person gorgeous is subjective does not really change anything. Moreover, there are certainly people that by large are considered more gorgerous than other people.

 

Ideally, you would just consider whether you are atracted to someone or not. But there are certainly people that are more attractive than others. Given two attractive women, I would f.ex. be likely to have a preference over one of them anyway.

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You're not shallow, getting to know someone can completely change your perspective, attractiveness isn't everything when you've dated around enough to know the difference.

 

My girlfriend, I asked her out once back in highschool, she turned me down, didn't think I was all that attractive or that I was her type...

 

...now it's 4 years later and we've been dating a year and she's told me she couldn't have been more wrong back then and she's head over heels in love with me.

 

Let's just put it this way... people change their priorities over time, growing up has a lot to do with your perspective(highschool, college, after college, mid to late twenties and so on...) and finding someone who cares and will always be there trumps the hottest of the hottest every time.... and if you get all three, great!

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The fact that what makes a person gorgeous is subjective does not really change anything. Moreover, there are certainly people that by large are considered more gorgerous than other people.

 

Ideally, you would just consider whether you are atracted to someone or not. But there are certainly people that are more attractive than others. Given two attractive women, I would f.ex. be likely to have a preference over one of them anyway.

 

Honestly, I've never felt this way. For me a woman either pushes all the right buttons, so to speak, or she does not. I've never found myself in a position of having to weigh up which out of two women is nicer.

 

Just me, I suppose.

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My girlfriend, I asked her out once back in highschool, she turned me down, didn't think I was all that attractive or that I was her type...

 

...now it's 4 years later and we've been dating a year and she's told me she couldn't have been more wrong back then and she's head over heels in love with me.

 

See, that's what I was saying. It's like a painting that when you first saw it... you thought it wasn't anything special but once you look into it and the background of why it was painted, it suddenly becomes beautiful. After getting to know one of my ex-boyfriends (I totally treated him like crap before we dated), all things I found very physically attractive showed. It was a total 180 for me, I found myself trying not to stare because I was so in love and attracted to him while we were dating. It's funny to think about how I wouldn't even look a double glance at him at first...

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Physical attraction is essential if you want a romantic relationship but physical attraction on the one hand and wanting someone who is conventionally gorgeous or hot on the other hand are two different things.

 

In the first case you simply want to be attracted to your partner and that might have very little to do with the person's actual physical features or whether the person is thought to be attractive by anyone else. On the other hand if the focus is too much on a certain look or looks and wanting someone gorgeous/hot on your arm so others will think so, that has much less to do with physical attraction and much more to do with some notion of "status" from being with someone who looks a certain way.

 

By definition, any focus on the physical is "shallow" if you define shallow as outside appearance but as someone else wrote it's a matter of degree.

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Being attracted to someone is part of wanting a relationship with them. If you have no attraction to someone then its simply a friendship. You are not shallow at all! If you said you will only date guys above 6 feet tall, with dark hair and green eyes and sparkiling white teeth then you might be considered shallow because you're focusing only on the physical aspects. But like you said, you might not be initially attracted to someone, but their personality makes you attracted to them. Attraction is what turns a friendship into something more. (Obviously, there is more to a relationship than just physical attraction) but if you don't have that, you're more in a friendship.

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I have a certain 'type' that I can tell you I'm attracted to... yet only one has even come close to that type. When I worked at the store, the guy I fell for there.... nearly the polar opposite of my type, but after 3.5 years of working together, I found myself in love with him... and when we connected physically, it was like fireworks.. and we didn't even have 'all the way' sex.

 

Rejecting someone upfront just on a physical basis, does seem shallow to me...

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I actually completely agree with what you are saying. I have tried lowering my standards a bit and to focus more on personallity and although thier personality was great, i still couldnt find my self wanting them in that heart racing passionate way. If we are shallow for this than i could give two Sh*ts!

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Oh...sorry. I didn't know they were talking about "gorgeous personalities".

 

not that either. i think her and her friend were talking about looks and her friend called her shallow.

 

so lady bugg, you only go for personality? you have no level of physical that you look for? i highly doubt that.

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it's called having preferences, not being shallow.

 

if you are with someone just because they look good on your arm and that is all you care about, yes shallow. but if you like their physical and their mental, then of course not.

 

Bingo.

 

I need the whole package. Looks, personality. Physical traits get noticed first, just reality. If I like someone's looks but not personality, I won't date them. But if I'm not physically attracted to them, I won't either. If there's no spark, there just isn't. I will never force myself to date someone I am not attracted to.

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Bingo.

 

I need the whole package. Looks, personality. Physical traits get noticed first, just reality. If I like someone's looks but not personality, I won't date them. But if I'm not physically attracted to them, I won't either. If there's no spark, there just isn't. I will never force myself to date someone I am not attracted to.

 

Ditto on this...

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LOL...of course I do. I was being facetious..

However...I will say in my experience..every person who seemed like my "type"

physically, turned out to be a turd.Sigh....

I learned real quick to broaden my "tastes"....

 

awww lady. i was going to ask you out.

 

here's my pic:

image removed

i'm really nice.

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