How can I NOT have to deal with my sister?

[Balbina]

My sister is a psycho. This is an established fact as she has serious anger issues and is both emotionally and physically abusive, as well as manipulative.

 

We were close when we were younger but as we got older we drifted apart. Different friends, different interests. She was always an aggressive girl with a violent streak but it never directly affected me until we fell into money from a car accident settlement.

 

After a while she ran out and I would begin to buy her things. Smokes, gas, extra money to party on the weekends. I would take her shopping and buy her nice things. She ruined her things easily, but I didn't really care because what she did with her things was her own business. I didn't want to say no and frankly, I was stupid to become her benefactor.

 

Eventually she began to take my things... without asking, knowing I wouldn't let her. Pairs and pairs of expensive shoes were ruined. Jackets and clothing would be found balled up in the corner of her room or in the trunk of her car...or worse, I'd see them on HER friends on facebook photos. My debit card was used without my permission.

 

I said "No" all the time. I talked with her relentlessly about not taking my things, respecting my decisions, understanding why I didn't want my things ruined. She would say she understood and sneak them out. I started to demand my things back and she would push me against the wall and storm out with my things. Or scream at me, causing a huge scene that usually resulted in my backing down to not have to deal with her. She choked me and hit me numerous times.

 

I got a lock on my bedroom door to come home to her smiling and my door frame ripped off.

 

I got a new door lock and have trying to live my own life for the past year. It hasn't really worked. The things I lend my mom end up on her, after I explicitly tell my mom not to lend her things. I can't forget to put ANYTHING away or else she steals it. If I leave my door unlocked, I'm screwed. She still doesn't know why I stopped lending her things. She blames my boyfriend for it (who I started dating around the time she ripped off my door), and tells me I've changed: I'm a greedy, selfish person.

 

I try to live my own life and not really talk to her and allow her to have any affect on me but it is hard. She still manages to throw tantrums when I'm around. She still screams at me and accuses me of being "Greedy" and a "Selfish B!tch". She freaks out and lashes out, saying that she "doesn't know what happened for me to become so damn greedy". When I mention any of the number of events that led to my change of heart, she denies remembering them.

 

Recently, she has been home more often and tries to be my friend. She talks to me in this fake, cutesy voice as if she's this care free thing and I know that the minute I give in, she'd try to milk it for whatever it is worth. I don't really reply, give one-word answers and just tell her I'm too busy to do anything with her. I try not to be too harsh, but let her know that I don't want her in my life.

 

Here's the big issue that is bothering me:

 

She has started to dress like me. She goes out of her way to buy the same shoes as me. Wears the same type of clothing as I do, buys the same dresses she sees on me. I understand its some form of flattery but its honestly PISSING ME OFF.

 

Yesterday, when I asked her why she copies me (after she showed me her recent purchases) she said that L (the guy who is basically using her for the past year but she's too dumb to do anything but stick around) compliments the way I dress. He also likes blondes.

 

She has jet black hair and today went to dye it blonde - like mine.

 

I can't stand but hate her for the b**ch that she is. She is such an evil, conniving, disrespectful person that is seriously hurtful to anyone she gets close to because she has some sick need to dominate people. She makes an effort to make sure that all of her drama is some how related to me, or that I have to inadvertently deal with it through my family. (My mother allowing her to become the person she is, is a whole other can of worms)...

 

I just can't stand the fact that she wants to BE ME....and I can't just let it go and be flattered. It's seriously pissing me off and kind of creeping me out. I think it is because I hate her so much that I feel like my image is tainted by her imitation... I know it sounds terribly superficial, but it is a huge deal to me.

 

What. Do. I. Do?????

[shikashika]

Well, if you she is the way you say she is, then she needs to grow up and quit being so selfish.

 

however, comments like "Why are you trying to copy me" will only provoke such behaviour.

 

I'm not trying to say her behaviour is acceptable, i'm just trying to understand why she acts this way around you. Why do you think she calls you greedy? She does always seem to be borring stuff off you.

 

you both live at home and you both work? or are you at school?

[sg84]

Wow, I'm right there with you. I'm currently asking myself that same question, how to deal with the sister. I wish I had the answers, I need some answers from someone who actually gets it. I wrote a thread today about my estranged mentally ill sister.

Umm, seriously, it sounds like your sister has mental problems. She sounds like a kleptomaniac mixed with other stuff. Thats absolutely insane she took apart your door.

My sister is also a b***h because she is ill and in a cult. I don't know how to deal, but I feel like she tries to ruin things for me and my brother on purpose by putting attention on herself and all of her illnesses. And my dad gives her money and she is 30.

Yeah, I'm right there with you girl, and I wish I knew how to deal or how to just put things to a stop, but I don't know if its even possible. I haven't seen her in 5 yrs and she wants to spent x-mas with my family when I've already told them I won't go home if she does. So, my x-mas might be spent alone b/c I don't want to subject myself to her BS. Oh what fun.....

[Balbina]

sg84: I really do feel your pain. Mostly because my family knows she is messed up but they take pity on her because they only HEAR about her acting out and she is so sweet to them when she's around them. The thing is she is sweet to everyone until they get close. She lures people in through her pity parties and people start to feel sorry for her until they realize she causes her own drama and REVELS in it.

 

My mom keeps letting her be the way she is. We're both at home - both students, and she works with my mom. I write for my mom's company but stay as far away from the office as I can since every time I'm there my sister is either telling off my mom (in public) or acting completely irresponsible and unprofessional. I can't talk to my mom about it because my mom is the reason she is this way, simply because she allows her to continue on being this way. She gives her money, allows her to treat her like crap and celebrates her small, very unimportant accomplishments all the while ignoring that is is doing poorly in school, hangs out with a loser guy and can barely write a coherent sentence. I've told my mom that if you let a puppy sh!t on the carpet, it will always sh!t on the carpet. She doesn't get it.

 

Victoria66 - I can't not react. You have no idea how incredibly crazy this girl is. She leaves a mess everywhere she goes. She is loud and obscene. She is incredibly dirty and messy - her dirty underwear are balled up under the sink with old socks. 3-day old cereal sits in the sink because she doesn't give a crap enough to clean it up.

 

I can't live with her and not be affected by her. I can't just ignore her and live my own life. Its like she goes out of her way to affect me and mine and I can't take it anymore. I don't want to be a part of this destructive messed up cycle.

 

She rags on me all the time because I cook. I've been cooking since I was 13 and I happen to be very skilled at it. She burns kraft dinner. Anytime she can, she tries to cut me with a comment that I'm Martha Stewart (in a bad way) and that all I do is cook for my boyfriend (who I've actually taught to cook). I don't care because I don't think I have to apologize for having a hobby, and I tell her so.

 

So I come home today and the left overs from my dinner last night (the one where she made fun of me for making since my boyfriend was coming over) was gone. She ate it after I said, in front of her, "Good, I'll have lunch for tomorrow." and packed it into the fridge. So I called her out on it and she says: "First you don't let me touch your clothes, now I can't touch your food. Nice." It's like she COMPLETELY misses the point. And that's just it: she will NEVER be able to comprehend that she is messed up. She's so deluded that she still plays this victim card and she will never understand that her own actions are the reason she's "cheated".

 

She drags my mother into it, but anything my mother says I shoot down with logic and examples. So then my mother goes on a whole rant how she is not involved in our problems and fails to take credit for the fact that my sister is a moron because my mom lets her act that way.

 

I told them that I will no longer be involved in their stupid power struggle because I have respect for my mom and she doesn't. So I'm moving out in a couple of months. My mother can deal with the psycho monster she has created, who comes in every day at least an hour late for work (I am not exaggerating in the least) and b!tches my mom out when my mom criticizes her poor work habits.

[Balbina]

Well, if you she is the way you say she is, then she needs to grow up and quit being so selfish.

 

however, comments like "Why are you trying to copy me" will only provoke such behaviour.

 

I'm not trying to say her behaviour is acceptable, i'm just trying to understand why she acts this way around you. Why do you think she calls you greedy? She does always seem to be borring stuff off you.

 

you both live at home and you both work? or are you at school?

 

I've never asked why she tries to copy me until the other night. Otherwise I'm like. "Yah, thats nice. Its the same sweater/boots/dress/etc I have". And then she usually gets annoyed and defensive. So I say: "Listen, I'm just pointing out that you buy the same things as me. You're the one who's getting upset so obviously you know there is a problem with it".

 

It's just really irritating that she does this... I find it really pathetic.

 

I think she calls me greedy because in her mind, she thinks I am. When I remind her of the time she hit me/pushed me/slapped me/choked me/broke down my door/kicked me out of her car on the street, she denies it. She actually looks at me like she has no idea what I am talking about. I used to spend MONTHS explaining to her why I say no. Literally months trying to explain to her that I can't lend her my things because I end up being stressed out, angry, pissed off and with ruined clothes. I don;t benefit from lending her clothes and she abused her right. Long talks in which I would slowly explain to her why.

 

And after these talks she would go: "Ok, but I don't know what changed. I just want us to be friends again"

 

And I reply: "We can be friends. But do you really want to be friends or do you want things to be as they were so you could take my stuff whenever you wanted?"

 

And then she goes on about how I've changed, gotten greedy, am selfish.

 

The thing is: SHE is selfish. And for a while when she would call me selfish, I would feel guilty and question it and lend her my stuff. So I suppose she saw that it worked. She acts like I owe her it. And then she says "You don't have to give me things, thats not what this is about".

 

She is completely contradictory and completely oblivious to whats going on. I gave her SO much, took her on shopping sprees once a month, gave her cigarette/gas/drinking money and we were fine. I mean, aside from her beating me up when I said no to something, we were "best friends". And then I started saying no, and she would only reinforce my decision by telling me "F-you. Honestly, if you don't start sharing soon, I'm going to F-ing Kill you" or breaking into my room to take my stuff. When I would call her out on it, she would run out of the house and jump into her car only to scream "F-you you greedy B!tch" as she drove off. When I got my stuff back later she said I had "made her angry" and that was why she did it.

 

I stopped letting her do that to me and affect me and now I'm the bad guy because I don't want to be "friends". And my mother, who quite literally every day has some kind of blow out with my sister, doesn't want to deal with it once and for all and do something to change whats going on. A couple of months ago she told me she admired my will power for being able to make a decision and stick to it like I have and stand up for myself. And then every other day I deal with being the "bad guy" because I speak out. MY mother either thanks me for standing up for her on odd days, or when she is feeling attacked, calls me cold and selfish. My mom has even called me greedy for not lending my sister something, even after all that has transpired.

 

My mom is very similar to my sister. They have similar logic and similar anger issues. My mom doesn't want to deal with my sister and my sister doesn't want to deal with real life. My mom has avoided dealing with my sister on numerous occasions. The biggest one in my opinion, was last year, when she was b!tching me out in the car for not giving her something. It was the day after a surgery that I had (as a result of the car accident) and my sister started screaming at me, calling me names and finally pulled over and kicked me out, two blocks from my house and drove away. I was very disoriented on morphine and bandaged up and she drove off because she was angry. I walked home those two blocks, really high on pain meds and crying my eyes out. I got home and tried to call my mom who was out of the country - when she returned a few days later, she didn't even talk to Paulina about it because she didn't want to "open up a can of worms".

 

Honestly, I feel such a sense of relief writing this. I feel a lot more clear headed and even more eager to move out.

[ziggen102]

Wow!!! I can totally relate, I have a very similiar situation with my brother right now. We were close when we were younger and I always took him everywhere, helped him out when he needed (money wise and advice wise). I also would "fix" problems for him that he created(talk to people he offended and tried to remedy the situation). I moved him into my house that I bought and things went downhill. He wouldn't pay the measily 150 I charged him in rent, wouldn't pay his share of the utilities and started trashing my house. He claimed he had no money, but managed to take a trip to Ireland in the spring. When I started standing up for myself, just like your sister, he accused me of being selfish and blamed my girlfriend that I had started dating at the time that I bought my house. It finally came to a point where he threatened to take me outside and punch me out at Christmas at my mom's house. When I refused to follow him outside, he stormed off. I kicked him out of my house and according to my mom, it was my fault because I should know his temper and be the bigger person and forgive him. It has gotten worse from here, and now my family is basically treating me and my wife (girlfriend back when I bought the house) like we are cold and uncaring and it has really put a rift in the family. I am still trying to deal, but it is hard. I can feel for you, I know how it sucks when people want you to give in to keep the peace, when they point out your siblings minor accomplishments as evidence of change and pretend like major selfish things that they do never happened. Best of luck!!! Be strong.

[Shyguy24]

Hey balbina,

 

I have a different viewpoint on your problem.

 

She is your sister ..your blood.. you guys were once close , you know these relationships are the strongest bond on this planet, when the * * * * really hits the fan.

 

I know your problem is complicated, but how about just letting go of your anger and be the better person , because you know better.

 

Why dont you just talk to her and not with a aggressive attitude . go upto her and give her a hug. tell her sis you know we are family, we shouldn't have these problems , life is too short.

 

Tell her you love her and then let her speak and dont react. Then tell her that you love her but have a need for respect and privacy.

 

You can draw the line , either by fighting with her or talking to her like she is little lost puppy who needs attention.

 

I think its cool if she wants to be like you, take it like a compliment, you have fan hooray.

 

I have a sister and we would fight all the time, but as time went by we have become close , like she knows i am always there no matter what ..although we talk on the phone maybe 2 to 3 times in a month.

 

Dont throw her out of your life , bring her closer and she will change . Love changes people

 

peace

[abitbroken]

I think the ideas if ignoring her, not getting riled, etc would be valid if you were dealing with a stable person. From the way you describe it, it sounds like way more than sibling rivalry. It sounds like she has a mental illness. Jealousy can be normal, though it can get out of control, but her willingness to completely change her looks for a guy, and ripping someone's door off is very telling. She needs some help big time.

 

I had a mother in law that would regularly have screaming fits to the point she would disturb the whole neighborhood, would start throwing things and sitting on the floor in a fetal position and then she would start swinging at me. My parents told me to try to reach out to her, but then finally realized the normal things one would do to be nice to a mother in law she would interpret in an off the wall way and just wasn't a safe person to be around. So I had to remove myself from her.

 

I bet your mother never set healthy boundaries in the home. It is not something to blame your mother about, but it is time for you to set your own. Sometimes those boundaries mean that you have to just move out. If there is a way for you to get a part time job or get some sort of grant or subsidy to live on campus, or to get a few roommates off campus so you can afford it DO IT. Even if you have to scrape a little.

[Balbina]

Shyguy24 - I have tried everything you mentioned. I have had long talks with her. We have exchange lengthy letters about how we were feeling when every discussion would inevitably lead to her telling me she didn't understand why I was so guilty. She is trying - I know that. She sent me a text message the other night that said: "I'm sorry for eating your food and kicking you out of my car". The eating the food thing was three days ago - she kicked me out of the car 1.5 years ago. I appreciate the apology and that is all that I can do. I am acting as anyone would act in this situation - I'm living my life the way I normally do and I don't let her take my things/talk down to me/threaten me/or pull me into her drama. And this is the only reason we are "distant".

 

I know she tries, but the thing is she is VERY unstable. She is nice and fake (I can tell) and as soon as she gets angry or annoyed she lashes out. She makes scenes, she attacks, she will do anything to do to hurt the other person. I know this because of the fact that she had tried to do it to be by calling me guilty and selfish, and because she continually brings it up to my mom, saying she's a bad mother and how she screwed up every relationship with a man, etc. etc.

 

My sister needs someone to guide her in the right direction, I agree, but not me. I'm not going to put myself in that position again for her to either abuse me, or waste my time because she can't grasp a situation. Furthermore, my mother perpetuates the problem. Abitbroken is completely right in her analysis. My sister was, from a young age, always allowed to do whatever she wanted and my mom always gave in because she wanted to avoid the craziness. Now she's 21 years old and she is no where near the maturity level she should have for her age. And since my mom is only prolonging it, it will likely be that way forever.

 

So, shyguy, don't think I cut her off from coldness. It's tough love, but at the same time, its my prerogative to live my life without the drama that a relationship with her entails. I live a different lifestyle than her and I know what I want out of life - and what I don't want.

 

And as for the "imitation is flattery" thing...well...maybe you're a guy so its different to grasp. But if your pain-in-the-bum brother began wearing EXACTLY what you wear, I'm pretty sure you'd find it irritating, even if you weren't fashion savvy.

[nutbrownhare]

To be honest, I don't see any solution to this problem other than you moving out. It sounds as though there are serious issues around boundaries in your family, and each member will have to work on them separately if they want to achieve any degree of emotional health. It all sounds really enmeshed and dysfunctional.

 

You don't say what your relationships with people outside your immediate family are like. Do you have friends, apart from your boyfriend? At any rate, try to ensure you have a network of support outside the family.

 

Finally, Victoria suggested you get counselling. Growing up in a family like this is likely to have a negative effect on many areas of your life, not just your relationship with your sister. But you're the only one who can decide this!

 

Good luck!