I cant fight this anymore - values are crushed

[Sparkle]

I have no more excuses.

 

My diet tonight has been one of white rum and lemonade.

 

Ive lost it, my will to fight anymore.

 

I wont go into details because it even bores me to write it.

 

All i can say is that ive tried so hard, to do the right thing, to find forgiveness, live in honesty, find myself, find my balance.

 

I feel as if im being punished and i dont know what for. Im not a perfect person, but ive always believed in working hard and honesty and integrity.

 

15 years of this * * * * , and ive had it.

 

I have no idea what i work for, why i choose to be honest and get punished, and why life just has to be so hard for no apparent reason.

 

I thought i had found my way this year and worked hard on self growth, but i saw a glimmer of light for a short while, maybe 8 weeks, and now its all gone to crap again, and i dont know what im fighting for anymore.

 

I know that peoples lives that i know more intimately arent this way, and i wonder what on earth it is that is trying to make my life the most trying of lives that it can be. I dont get it, but people just cant be this unlucky.

 

If something happened to me today, as much as i would tell myself that i at least know that ive tried to do the right things, for everyone, I myself would not be happy. Ive worked hard, ive stressed and worried and tried to do the right things. But i would feel that i had wasted my time and that trying to do the right thing doesnt often pay off. I have seen too many incidents of people not doing the right thing that come out ok.

 

Meanwhile, i am still paying yet i dont understand.

 

My values are shot. The things that i believed in, such as trust, integrity, honesty, and the value of hard work have all been worn away over the years. I dont get people anymore.

 

I dont understand the way they think, the way they are, the way they do things and yet they seem to live ok lives, even if they live in what i would think is the wrong.

 

Ive learned not to judge, so i dont say anything. My opinions i now feel are obsolete, because all the right things i thought are actually bollocks, and people get away with crap every day. When i do the right thing, the honest thing, i get penalised for it - so hell, good luck to them.

 

How sad is today when we try to do the right thing and just get penalised for it - this is where i think i am at, from every possible angle of my life, spiritual, emotional, financial, morally.

 

I am so dissalussioned with life. It seems that those that truly dont care get by so much better and i feel like i am in a world gone by.

[savignon]

I'm not sure what you did that you're getting punished for but I wouldn't go so far as to say it's the way of the world. Good people do good, not for rewards, but because it's enjoyable to them. It sounds like you've lost the joy of doing good.

I could be way off base but your post doesn't give too much info besides the despair....

What happened?

[ErikT]

Sparkle,

 

If you must judge the strength of your values and morals on the values and morals of others, chances are that you will come out on top. However, just because their values do not match yours, do not question the validity of your morals/values.

 

Secondly, 2006 through mid-2007 was one, if not the, worst time in my life. Everything appeared to be spiraling out of my control. After talking it through with my one friend, he made a couple of statements that were almost cliché, but I actually was able to find some hope in them, and was able to turn them around.

 

1. God only gives us what we can handle.

2. That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

3. Everything happens for a reason.

 

I am not an overtly religious person, only go to church for weddings and funerals, and couldn't quote a single line of the bible. However, I do believe in God and I do believe that everything happens for a positive reason, although we don't always know or understand that reason at the particular time.

 

Trust, integrity, honesty, and the value of hard work do pay off...eventually. Maybe not today, tomorrow, next year, or in ten years...but they do pay off. A glimmer is just that...A glimmer…Something off in the distance that catches your eye and gives you something to look forward o. But forward can be far off and might take sometime to reach it. Just because it is far off does not mean that you shouldn't continue in that direction.

 

There are plenty of people that have the same values you do. If you are not currently associated with people like yourself, then walk away from them. Seek out the people that you do relate to, that you want to emulate. If you surround yourself with dishonest people, untrustworthy people, liars, thieves, etc. than you are no better than they are. Guilt by association. You will not change their values - it is your values that will change.

 

Just my few random thoughts on the subject...Even though it bores you, it might help to give some details.

 

Erik

[waveseer]

Expecting the world to reward me for trying to do right is like expecting a snowstorm in July, it can happen but it's rare.

[NowandZen]

You mention fighting more than once. That may be at the core of your suffering. I can relate, I spent a lot of my life fighting one thing or another. The harder you try to hold on to something, the more it eludes you. The more you fight something, the more it resists you.

 

Turn it on its head. Instead of fighting against, work FOR. Everything in your life should be cast in a positive light. Instead of fighting against war, work for peace.

 

Peace, in the end, is the only real thing you can hope to accomplish. Think about it this way: (credit Wayne Dyer) If I had two magic wands, one which you could wave, and no one would disagree with you, or another which you could wave, and you would have peace no matter what the situation, which would you choose?