After 10 yrs she's leaving...agian...

[Wickedhurt]

This may be a little long but please read. I have been married for 10 1/2 years to a beutiful woman my solemate (I thought) Were both in the military and were deployed a lot. We'll get to that later. We have had our ups and downs. We went through counsiling, anger managment, etc... I did anything it took to make her happy so she wouldnt leave. About once a year 1/2 she goes through this "I'm not sure if I love you" phase. It hurts so bad when she say's she doesnt know if shes talking, e-mailing, hanging out, etc...with her husband or her friend. That hurt but I told her part of being a husband is being a friend. I just returned from Iraq the end of Nov. She is still in Iraq right now. She just told me her fellings last week. I dont think this time she wants to work it out. I dont think I want to work it out. I dont think I can take much more of this. The bad part is we dont really talk anymore, the e-mails have gotton very "vanilla" and it hurts so bad!!!! She is not due to come home for another 3 months (how am I going to do this) I am a very emotional and effectionate person and it's killing me. I dont even know what I want or who I am and it scary. To make this worse, I have a son from a previous (very short, very young) marriage. My wife and I have a son together. All my oldest son knows for a mother is my current wife and if the "D" happens we'll be splitting up boys and that will kill them. I feel so lost and depressed and hurt. She was/is my solemate I cant see life without her. I dont know what to do without her. Dont get me wrong when we are "on" Life cannot be better but when she is going through "episodes" life is horrible. If you made it this far thanks for taking time to read, dont really know what you can do for me but it helps to talk about it I guess. Thanks

[auburnslp]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

 

All I can tell you is that I went through the same thing...my ex would say the same things to me, every few months-"isn't it a good idea to split", "don't you think we'd be happier apart", etc. I fought it hard, for over a year. But finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and agreed. And honestly brother, it was the best thing I ever did, because after the pain of the divorce and the re-adjustment for me and my kids, I realized that there is better out there, and I have had some relationships that have shown me what love really is.

 

On the flip-side-maybe your wife, like my ex, is suffering from depression? My ex has said so many times that she made the biggest mistake when she asked me to leave-but at that point it was over-I had fallen out of love with her. But she claims it was the depression that made her mood swing like that-on and off towards me. Maybe you could think about that and suggest that to her...

 

One red flag though in your post-you mentioned anger-management...was this on your part? I would have to say that if you have inflicted physical abuse, or significant emotional abuse on her, it may be too late already. If that is the case, my best advice would be to attempt to continue counselling, with her when she returns, and if it does turn out to be too late for the two of you, then you should continue counselling on your own to ensure yourself of successful future relationships...

 

My best-I hope things work out for you. No matter how dark things seem at any given moment in time, they always get brighter...just takes time.

[boonpop]

10 years is a long time to be in a relationship and a testimony to just how committed the two of you have been. It seems like all of the bells and whistles of a relationship die out after the first two years or so, and after that, it's your decision to stay together is the only thing that must remain constant in order for a married couple to defy the odds.

Coming from a single man in his 30's I can tell you that it's rough to find anything of any validity out here in this dating world. If I were married, I'd hold on to what I had and remember what drove us to unite in the first place. I don't know if it's the strains of being separated for long periods of time, or that lingering thought that resonates in the back of your mind telling you that you're missing out on something in life that has you second guessing your marriage but I can tell you this. It seems to me that most single people want to one day find there better half, and most married men wish they were single. My opinnion is, with the shape that this world is in now, it is a wonderful feeling to know that someone has your back. No matter what goes on right now you have a wife and kids that you know will be there for you and love you through the thick and thin. I wish I had that in my life man.

I would reconsider the divorce right now. I've experienced situations before where nothing was wrong but something just didn't feel right and to this day those are the situations I refer back to when I evaluate my life and think of the possibilities. You have to maintain a sense of happiness I understand, but with that much experience on the table and that much time spent getting to learn a person in and out, I can't understand why you'd want to give that up unless something drastic occurred. I can tell you that if the two of you decide to call it quits and move on, you will always think about eachother and wonder if that was the correct decision to make.

I'd recommend toughing it out and really communication with each other for the remainder of the marriage, and if it appears that as the years draw closer to there ends and there is no improvement made then yes, explore your options and let go. But damn man, make sure you've at least gone out trying to hang on to your love.

I hope that helped a bit, good luck to you.

[savignon]

If I were always apart from my husband the way you 2 are required to be, it would be immensly difficult to stay in touch with my feelings...I'm not sure where you 2 were/are in Iraq or what you've seen or anything, but I can't imagine at the end of the day it's easy to stay in touch with your deeper feelings. I'm sorry you're having to suffer through the same kind of thing over and over....I agree with auburn that letting go of the relationship could be freeing. However, if you're committed, wait until she comes home and remind her how good life is at your side!

[Wickedhurt]

Auburnslp-Thanks for you reply The anger-management classes were her idea because she thinks I'm a "violent person" I have never hit her or the kids, broke anything in the house...nothing. Who doesnt throw a tool when you bust your knuckles, or freak out when you get lost. That is what she refers to and I can never live it down. I've even taken Mens Group to try to better understand women. The last time she did this I mentioned maybe it's medical and she would have nothing to do with that idea. Even when she cant explain why she feels this way. She has told me she doesnt want to feel this way she just does. I wouldnt hurt to mention it again. The hardest part about this deal is we only get 15 min to talk if she calls.

 

Boonpop-The last thing I want is get the "D" but I can only take so much and if this is her breaking point I pretty much dont have a say. I have done everything and willl do everything to keep us together, but it works both ways. Thanks for your reply

[auburnslp]

Wickedhurt-You have done nothing wrong then...if you have cussed or thrown something in anger, well, dang! Who hasn't???You are in a tough spot, with the lack of ability/time for meaningful conversation. My heart goes out for you both on that count.But I have to share another story. I had a 4 year relationship with a woman who I loved more deeply than any other, at the time. She thought I needed anger-management as well...our stories are similar. I would get angry and raise my voice a bit and get heated, never cussed or called names, just was extremely frustrated, because she was newly divorced and it was clear that she had been with me for a year but was beginning to really enjoy the attention of other guys. Jealousy, insecurity on my part? Sure. But it was obvious, to the point of disrespect-her hanging on other guys at parties we would go to, saw a couple emails that she had "accidentally" left on the computer screen while at her place, etc. Even had told me that she thought she had made a mistake and was considering getting back with her ex-husband. But then when I would question it, and not be happy with it, all of a sudden I had anger management issues.So I loved this girl enough, for the first time in my life, I went to a therapist to fix it.By the end of the 45 minute session, after I had described her actions and my reactions, completely and soul-searchingly honestly and objectively, the therapist looked at me and said "you must really love this woman very much, because the things you have described to me, I would be angry as well."...So there ya go. It's not always us, or our fault brother. Just because they say it is, doesn't make it so...

[scornandtorn]

Wicked,

 

First of all, thank you for serving our country. Secondly, please do yourself a favor and research the "walkaway spouse". I think you will find it to be what you are up against.

 

Here is a hint. Look beyond the surface of her explanation. There are probably feelings deep inside her, that you are unaware of, which are causing her to react in this manner. Even my X went to the councilor and never told the correct story. I know now that my X has alot of internal pain (from her childhood) that was projected onto me as the source.

 

I am a very calm person and never raised my voice in front of my X, but at the end I was the most threatening person in her life. All I am saying is to find something rational you need to look deeper. Good luck and I hope you have better results than I did.

[george237]

Well it's tough since you both are apart for so long. My only advice to you is this. Worry about what you are doing or what changed that is making her want to leave and fix it. You could spend the next 3 months promising her things and begging her not to leave and it will all lead you at the same ending, she's gone. Ask her what changed and what she is unhappy with and go from there. btw We all appreciate what you guys are doing over there you made a lot of progress.

[Wickedhurt]

Thanks for everyones advice. I got a virus on my CPU while finishing up my last minute Christmas shopping.Perfect timing!! I'm trying to get myself better and find out who I am and maybe that will help the marriage. I just dont know if it's too late. I had a meeting with my counsler and he basiclly told me I put too much pressure on her by not taking a more active role in the finances and other things in our marraige. By showing her I can be more independent hopefully she will see things differently. I dont know. I guess the question is....Is it too late! I guess I have a couple of months to find out. I'm so stuck. Do I prepare myself for a divorce or do I try to fix things in our marraige in hopes for a better future together. I feel so lost!

[scornandtorn]

Maybe it won't be too late, but then also if it were me I would definitely keep my eyes wide open and be prepared.

 

She may have already shut down emotionally in regards to your marriage or she may be receptive to your efforts at counseling. I hope it is the later rather than facing a divorce.

 

I have been in your shoes and even know my ex wife was not willing to look at my efforts, I sure was. Just the fact that I made an effort to reconcile, alone, is the single most valuable asset I was left with in the end.

 

Good luck to you.

[Wickedhurt]

I guess the best thing to do is fix me and whatever happens, happens. Man that sounds good but right now I cant picture what life would be like without her. I think what hurts the most is I finally "get it" I know what I need to do but I fear it's too late, and I will have to live with that. Thanks for your words of wisdom, talk to you later!

[Wickedhurt]

We hardly "talk" anymore. At this point I dont even want to know what's going to happen. I keep having these dreams that she comes back and she doesnt want anything to do with me and she wont even listen to me. I get so frustrated it wakes me up. Cant sleep anymore and I have 2 months of this. From her e-mails it seems like she is noticing I'm taking charge of my own life, but she will never tell me. I went out with some friends last Sat. to "cheer" me up. 2 things happened. I saw an old couple dancing together and I remembered that we always said "that would be us" and that hurts. I also saw single men and women out looking and it seemed like that was a peek into my future and I dont want to be there. She knows how I am and how I'm hurting and she acts like none of this bothers her and that hurts me. When we talk I "act" like I'm doing ok. I dont even know what to do anymore. I dont even know how to feel anymore.

[John Bendix]

Wicked,

 

I did experience those same feeling of apprehension of what it would be like without my wife in my life. I dreaded what the future would bring. My life, my boys life, the legal aspects, strained relationships all over the place, etc.

 

It really did not do me any good to concentrate on the possible futures since they are are images. Images that I was reacting to and the unplesant emotions that ensued. I did not eat or sleep for months.

 

The advice given to you here was to look to creating a better you, which is good advice at any time. To me, it is concentrating on what you can do right now since that is the only time that you can effectively make change anyway. Putting your attention in the past and future is effectively doing nothing to change your situation.

 

You may have to remember, appearances to the contrary not withstanding, that your wife is emotionally hurting also. As Scorn has said, she has probably shut down, emotionally, in self protection of her already vulnerable state. I would not read anymore into her actions and reaction than. If you do, you can cause yourself more uneeded pain.

 

A wall has been set in place to (selective exposure) what she might find threatening to her ego. Ths includes feelings and thoughts you throw at her and the ones that she has already. Emotions run high in these circumstances and tend to dominate everyone's decision making, actions and reactions. The long distance factor adds to this greatly.

 

Do what you can do right now, what makes sense to you, and let the outcome come as it may. It will anyway. If you would like, go to link removed to gain some insight and see what you should not do.

[Wickedhurt]

John

 

Thanks for those words. They really changed the way I'm going to look at this. I guess I never thought about maybe she's hurting as well. I'm going to try not to think about the past or future for a while and see how that goes. I'm trying to live minute by minute. The only thing I fear is the longer we dont talk or e-mail the further she will distance herslf from me. But like you said "let the outcome come as it may. It will anyway." I guess I'll focus on me and the boys. But it hurts so bad not to hear from her. (but trying not to dwell)](*,)

[Wickedhurt]

I forgot to add one thing. When I think of her hurting as well, my first reaction and what I always do is try to make her hurt go away. Knowing that I do that, when we do talk I (e-mail or phone) I distance myself and act very business like so not to "give more of myself" than I want to at this time. But deep down inside I want to tell her I love her and I want her not to hurt. Dont know if this is a good thing but it's working for me at the moment.

[John Bendix]

Wicked,

 

I did nothing for months but try and take care of my wife (at the time). I did not care about me. It did not matter that we might not make it as a couple. I wanted her to be well.

 

What I got for that was, "I am a big girl. I can take care of myself. There nothing wrong with me, I'm fine. You're the one that's ****ed up." It was tormenting me to life threatening proportions.

 

Now, looking back, would I do it again? YES, and let the outcome come as it may. I can get up each morning and look myself in the face and sya that I did all I could to try and help her. Not the marriage so much but her.

[auburnslp]

Yeah I've been there and done that myself-twice now. "Fixing/helping" a girl who has issues...can't do it. I have officially given up on all that, thank God. I really thought I could do it-I guess I have an over-inflated sense of what my love can do-it wasn't enough, not even close. End of story. And the hunt goes on for a nice, "normal" girl who needs no help or fixing...can't wait.

 

But to the OP-again, I say sit back and lay back. There is nothing you can do at this point to change her mind. Wait for her to come to you. And if she does, well great, and if not, life truly does go on.

[Wickedhurt]

Thanks John your words always ring true and help very much.

 

I spoke to my wife on New Years day and I could sense the hurt in her voice and I wanted to comfort her so badly. I stuck to my guns and didnt. I think she was surprised, totally out of character for me. I have been doing some deep soul searching and trying to find out who I am and today was the first day I felt good. I felt as if I got a bit of my "power" back. Here's where it goes downhill. I checked the mail and theres was a Christmas card in there (sometimes the mail takes a long time to get here from Iraq, it was mailed on the 9th of Dec) and it was just for the boys. Man that hurt! I cant believe my wife of 10 1/2 years cant even get me a card. Why does she hate me so much? Meanwhile I have been debating on whether or not to get her a Birthday card (her b-day is very soon) and I decided to get her one. Not a mega-lovie dovie just a nice card. I just think it's the bigger thing to do. Any thoughts?

[Wickedhurt]

How do I read this?

 

It's been pretty hard the past couple of weeks but I have been focusing on myself and my boys. Getting myself together mentally, spiritually, and physiclly. So we have been e-mailing some and I would keep the conversation on a level playing field (not giving too much of myself) but lately she has been asking more, and more questions. Nothing too intimate but information gathering, I guess. Again I give her a short answer and press.

 

Here's were it gets weired. Yesterday I checked "our" e-mail account and she had forwarded an e-mail from Disney World advertising special "Military Familiy Discounts" running from Feb-Dec.(she gets back Mar) Now how do I take that? Is she suggesting we go when she gets back? I dont really know how to take it. I guess I can only take it as a good sign. Why else would she send it (and she knows I already seen the e-mail because every military member gets that e-mail) I dont want to get my hopes up either because I am still working on myself.

 

What do you guy's think?