Letting go without "closure"...how do you do it?

[mariposa81]

Hey everyone,

 

For those of you not familiar with my story, my ex and I reconciled after 3 months apart (he left a letter at my door which lead to us deciding to give it another shot). He had made lots of promises that he was going to change and start being more considerate of my feelings, that he would start making me a priority, making me feel like I'm important to him etc.

 

To make a long story short, we started having problems and now I don't believe that he really loves me anymore and no longer wants to try.

 

He left to go home to California this past Friday for the holidays (I live in North Carolina). We talked that morning when after telling him I didn't think he was in love with me anymore, he told me he did love me etc, he called when he landed, and he called again that night. I haven't heard from him since. No texts, no calls...nothing.

 

I feel as if what we have is hanging by a thread, that he doesn't really want to be with me because he feels he can't give me what I need, but he hasn't told me he doesn't want to be with me yet. It's like he says one thing but does another and even though he says he loves me, his actions don't support that.

 

It's so painful and I've been so miserable over being in limbo with him. I don't know what he truly wants to do with us...with ME. So I've decided to try to focus on myself. To stop looking at my phone to see if he's called, to stop hoping that there's still a chance he wants to try because his actions tell me he doesn't..not matter what he may say. I've felt so weak and vulnerable and I want to focus on myself.

 

Has anyone here had to let someone go without having "the talk" when you feel like they don't care anymore (we've tried to talk about what we're going to do about us and we stay stuck in the middle not knowing what we're gonna do because of all the problems we've been having)? To just stop taking their calls and just let it go?

 

How do you do it? Is it even possible?

[waveseer]

Yeah, I did that. Basically I just crawled away silently heartbroken. It sucked big time but I had to do it because I was a mess.

[SapphireNoir10]

I thinkt he best thing to do in your situation IS to try and talk to him one last time. State your feelings and your intentions.

 

If you tell him, 'You dont make the effort i am, its over' and he still doesnt respond, then you've told him and been fair about it.

 

EDIT: If you cant get through to him for a long tiem. I'd consider that all the closure I needed. Then you have the right to walk away because you've tried.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Closure is sort of unattainable.

 

No matter what your ex says, they are still your ex. Will you ever be happy with their reasons/words?

[PixelPusher]

Closure doesn't always come like that. I've always felt that closure has to come from within you and has very little to do with what is going on around you. You're allowing the situation to control you so first you just need to make up your mind on what you want, and start living your life that way. THAT is closure (to me).

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would not suggest ignoring phone calls from him. I would say that you should not contact him right now..the ball is in his court...but should he call you then definitely respond. He may indeed want to be with you but just needs time to sort out his feelings. Don't jump the gun yet. Wait and see what happens over the holidays and when he comes back..but let HIM contact you.

[coldplay.]

I posted a few days ago about dreams... I think i know what they are about now, every time i dream its of the same thing, just another reconciliation with in other context, so i was thinking today, is my mind giving me what i have thus far desired but have been unable to receive, in order to help me heal and/or move on?

[auburnslp]

Oh gosh...the whole "closure" issue is so complicated...

 

For some-it is a simple-"it's over, and here's why"...and it is a mutually accepted thing.

 

For others-me included at least a couple times, it is a more desparate attempt to maintain some sort of contact, even after they have let us go, as in-"I just have one more thing to say", or "I still don't understand, can you explain how you could fall out of love with me so soon?", or even-"I left a few newsclippings over at your place that are VERY important to me-can I come over to pick them up?"...well, ok I never went that far

 

But really, as far as closure is concerned-I have experienced both of the above, and also, once or twice, with nothing, hardly a goodbye.

 

It all sucks.

 

And basically, unless you are completely sick and tired of the significant other and can't wait to be away from him or her, the whole "closure" thing does little to ease the pain of the split...

 

At least, that's been my personal experience...

[crab62]

Has anyone here had to let someone go without having "the talk" when you feel like they don't care anymore (we've tried to talk about what we're going to do about us and we stay stuck in the middle not knowing what we're gonna do because of all the problems we've been having)? To just stop taking their calls and just let it go?

 

How do you do it? Is it even possible?

 

raising hand here!

 

my exbf did this to me two times in the year I dated him. The first time in June after my being disappointed about a birthday gift he bought me.. it all blew up and he suddenly needed a break. I gave him his week break and took him back](*,)

 

We continued to date through the rest of summer and through the first part of fall. We always had a spectacular time of doing things together... how my exbf was not good with talking about things. He often wanted thing to be happy happy happy and that isn't real life, and it's not my real life. He is the kind of person who can push down a day's disappointments, I am not. I needed to talk about them, something he could not do. He was obvious there was tension going on that we should have talked about as a couple... but neither of us brought it up. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he came over on 11/7/08... and instead of bringing sushi, he brought my things.

 

I never saw it coming. He came into my home and ended it. I begged him not to do this to me again... to leave my hanging with nothing, that we could work out our issues, and he said "no"... he's done. He gave me no warning, nothing. I loved him alot.... I miss him a ton... but dangit, it's been almost 6 weeks since he walked out... and you know what, I know think he's a monster.

 

The only way you can heal is to move on and forget them. The fact that they don't call or care about how you feel.. is because they have NO REGARD for your feelings, and that's f'd up.

 

Your ex and my ex may have played the part, but honestly... their true love is in their actions, not their words and emotions. There is no way in he$$ that a man who loves a woman can walk away and know she is in pain and "choose" not to contact her.

 

I have not heard from my exbf since he left that night. No correction, I did hear from him. I called him on Thanksgiving crying so hard and asked him to call me back that I really needed to talk to him. He's such a sensitive guy... he sent an email and said "PLEASE STOP CALLING!"

 

The way you get passed is look at the evil they are doing... dont fool yourself into thinking they're a great guy... they're not. Great guys don't walk out on their girls and leave them hurting...it just doesn't happen.

 

Hugs to you... it's a long road. I'm at 6 weeks post break-up... and I wouldn't take him back for nothing. I would not want to EVER be with someone who has such little regard for my feelings...

 

and it's probably an attitude you should strive for as well.

[catfeeder]

It might help your pain a bit to view him less as someone who's withholding something from you and more as someone who simply doesn't own the capacity to express love the way you want to have it expressed.

 

This can give you clearer vision and take the edge off your beliefs of impending doom.

 

From there, you can relax because you don't need to make any declarations or deal with any finalities right now. You can simply disengage from him and allow him to show you more of himself without your expectations getting in the way.

 

If you'll see him over the holidays, you might be surprised how well your time is spent with him minus the pressure of decision-making. Use the time to explore any chemistry that remains of the first reasons you were attracted to him in the first place.

 

If those are dead, you'll know it. You can simply let the rest go from there. Otherwise, you might rekindle something that was being squelched by the intensity of taking the temperature of the relationship all the time.

 

Point is, you're not up against a calendar. If you take the demand for an answer off your own back, you can discover some real answers that may be too subtle for a deadline.

 

In your corner.

[mariposa81]

Wow. Thanks everyone for the responses. I've been reading them over and over again!

 

It definitely is a tough spot to be in and my heart goes out to everyone who has and IS experiencing something like this. I'm right there with you.

 

Like Catfeeder said, I think his not being capable instead of witholding is the perfect way to describe him with regard to us. Some people I guess are just LIMITED in their ability to give what's needed to a relationship.

 

In my situation, time is not on our side. He's in a graduate program and only has until June when he graduates. He's originally from the other side of the country and had plans to move back there...that is, until he met me about 2 1/2 years ago. He says that if things are going great with us, he would stay for a while and we would eventually move back to where he's from (upon getting engaged) because I was thinking of moving that that area anyway at some point with or without him.

 

I won't be seeing him over the holidays because he's so far away. So basically if we don't talk via phone or text, we won't have any contact.

 

My way of ending it under our circumstances would be to just sort of phase out; sort of disappear so to speak. I've been feeling sort of strung along... that ending it is what he really wants to do, but he just hasn't came out and told me. It's like his actions, or rather, NON-actions are speaking louder than his words.

 

Being in limbo with someone is a hard place to be if you know you still love them and would want to try if they still did. Do you take control of the situation and end things because simply being in limbo in the first place speaks volumes? Or do you wait and give that person time, stay optimistic and wait to see how they feel?